Posts Tagged ‘Match.com’

It’s Not The App

March 7, 2016

It’s you.

That is a direct quote.

I was sharing something with my person about the frustrations of online dating and then I said something, for the life of me (unconsciously don’t want to embarrass myself?) I cannot remember exactly what I said, but I basically blamed Tinder for my inability to score a date.

“It’s not the app, it’s you,” she said again.

I know, I know.

Cue a lot of school reading today, a lot of introspection, and a lot of writing.

The normal writing I do, every morning, although I did have a different tack today than typical.

I found myself waking up with my alarm and feeling that instead of taking the time to make breakfast and do my morning pages, the thing to do would be to get up and go right to the yoga class at 9 a.m. instead of the one I had signed up for at 10:30 a.m.

I wasn’t hungry, I had a late snack last night with my tea and I knew that if I did eat breakfast and go to the class I might feel a little bogged down with the oatmeal in my body.

So.

I hopped up, striped my bed–Sunday is bed sheet day, fresh sheets are a must to start off the we–drank some water, brushed my teeth, threw my hair up into a messy bun, re-made my bed with clean sheets, read some stuff, said some stuff, drank a quick shot of iced coffee with unsweetened vanilla almond milk and strolled the 1/2 block to Yoga Beach for the Vinyasa Flow class.

Today was my 9th day of yoga.

I have been going for fifteen days.

Not bad.

And I recognized the yoga instructor!

An acquaintance from the hood who I had no idea worked at the studio.

“I was wondering when I would see you here!” He said with a big smile.

I told him that it was class number 9 and I was pretty into it, although very humbled by the experience.

I have also been enjoying the feeling in my body though, of length, of my core getting stronger, of not losing the bicycle muscle I have in my legs, my hips have been feeling looser, not so tight, and my knees have also felt better.

And yes.

Thank you ego for the reminder.

I’ve lost a little weight.

Not the goal, but a nice side benefit.

Mostly from the exercise I presume, but also I have noticed a distinct tendency to eat even cleaner than I typically do.

Yes, that is kale in my fridge.

The class was good and I actually was able to do one of the poses that the first time I saw it demonstrated I was like, um, no.

Except.

Today.

Well.

I just did it.

It wasn’t a big deal move, I’m not standing on my head or anything, but it was fun to see myself stretch and try for something that just a week ago seemed intimidating and impossible.

Sometimes great change can happen quickly.

I just have to be flexible to the situation when things happen.

I left the studio with an open heart and a great deal of gratitude.

I walked past a huddle of neighbors on a stoop outside smoking cigarettes and lounging in the only real sun the day was to have, with some humor in my heart.

I used to be that girl on the front porch steps smoking cigarettes and hanging with the boys.

Not anymore.

Nope.

Today I was the girl all blissed out with the yoga mat in her bag strolling home to eat a bowl of organic oatmeal and apples with blueberries.

Heh.

“Just getting out of yoga?” One of the guys asked and drew on his cigarette, “down the block, Yoga Beach, right, they just opened, yeah.”

“Yeah, I just started a couple of weeks ago,” I said and smiled, we all silently acknowledged the humor of the moment, two bros and a gal smoking in the sun, obviously all a touch hung over.

“Gotta check that out, you know, soon, ease it in the schedule,” he smiled.

I patted the dog lolling in front of the stoop, “you should, it’s great,” and I walked home happy and a tiny bit incredulous to be this woman who gets up and goes to yoga before eating a healthy breakfast and doing fabulous self-care.

Said self-care meant also not re-employing the dating app on my phone.

This is not to say that I might not or that I may not go back to OkCupid.

I had a really enlightening day about it yesterday from not just my person’s viewpoint, but also from another woman.

Ironically, the woman who saw me walk down to cafe.

They both intimated that it was a job, it would take work, that it would not be without effort and I realized how much I had expected, in some odd ball kind of way, without really realizing it, that I wanted fairy tale pixie dust magic with the damn thing.

Instantaneous gratification.

Which on one hand there is the illusion there to it.

But.

On the other.

It’s not the app, it’s me.

Cue all the reading for school and the paper I wrote, second one in the weekend!

I realized some things, other than some discomfort to see that I was great at dating narcissists, border line personalities, and where I had negative counter transference in a variety of work and personal relationships.

Yeesh.

It was intense to read it and also to know that knowledge of self does not always avail me.

But taking different actions certainly does.

So when I wanted to use the app I did not re-install it, because it would have been avoidance of doing the school work that I needed to do–checking out through fantasy.

However.

I also see the benefits of trying again.

Pick myself up and try again.

The change is not the app, the change is me.

How I see the world, how I operate, how I move in it.

And learn, accept, forgive, and grow.

I don’t know that I’m going to find true love on Tinder or Match.com or OKCupid or Bumble or Hinge or Facebook or Myspace.

Ok.

That last one might have been reaching, but I think you understand the gist.

That being said.

I won’t also find it if I don’t try.

Those things worth having are worth working for.

I am not afraid of the work.

And I’m not too busy to do it.

When I say I’m too busy, that’s me pushing you out of my life.

I can, however, know what my needs are and if I need to study I can refrain from engaging with the dating, but if I need to have some fun and try getting out of my comfort zone.

Well.

I’m going to damn it.

Because I’m worth it and I deserve to be happy.

No man will ever complete me, but I do believe that some one may well be my companion and my compliment.

That is something to strive for.

And to continue to lighten up.

Take it easy.

And laugh at myself.

There’s a good few chuckles in there to be had.

Seriously.

More than a few.

Heh.

Advertisements

School’s Out For Summer!

June 9, 2015

Today was my first day, of the rest of my life, for the next three months, of having both the boys full-time.

I guess this is the Universe keeping me busy with regards to not having anytime to worry about school, financial aid, whether I will have enough, what’s going to happen next, why haven’t I heard back yet from financial aid, how come the IRS hasn’t gotten my federal refund back to me (I’m getting audited! No I’m not! Yes I am!) Ugh.

And so on.

I suppose that’s great too, I’m not obsessing about ex boyfriend, dating, or anything else either.

Note to Match.com.

The profile name of “BoozeyMike” is not a match for me, the non-boozy don’t drink anymore kind of gal, I don’t care if we have things in common (works out three to four times a week my ass, maybe lifting a pint to and from his mouth), I’m not interested.

So in a fit of pique I also re-opened the OkStupid profile.

Under a different name with updated photos, since the hair is now pink.

I decided I’d rather have options than not have options and I’m giving it the summer.

Hear that guys, especially guy who asked me out via Facebook, followed up the next day, but then never got back to me to close the deal–which I suspected after a quick Facebook snoop on said guys page–probably not my guy anyhow.

Not anyone who is checking into to Molotov’s and smokes cigarettes.

Pass.

But yeah.

Work is going to be busy.

All the way through the summer.

I’m ok with it though, having defined a time that works best for the family and myself so that I get a break that is restful and the boys have quiet time, though napping now appears out, the youngest is transitioning out of napping.

But I get an hour when the boys are on their own, in their rooms, either playing quietly or reading.

And the rest of the time, well, they are being boys, busy, loud, honking, whirring, siren imitating boys.

Also sweet, huggable, kissable, ran to meet me at the door and threw themselves at me this morning, boys.

The youngest one grabbed my hand and pulled me into the house, “do you like the Beegees?” He hollered at me.

FYI, a three-year old boy asking you if you like the Beegees may be one of the cutest things ever.

We danced around the dining room to Staying Alive, which then segued into a Paul Simon song, and after that, the Muppets, “The Rainbow Connection.”

Having a three-year old dancing on your toes first thing Monday morning may be the happiest way to start my week.

Closely followed by walking with the five-year old to BiRite and buying super yummy fruit for the house and holding his hand and talking about art and airplanes and rescue helicopters and firetrucks.

Work is good.

I am good.

Life is good.

I’m going to be ok with the two boys, in fact, I believe I will be more then ok.  Having two of them all the time can be a handful and it’s a lot of juggling, but they also entertain each other and play well together and the time passes really quickly.

My day flew by.

I barely had time to make a few check in phone calls and organize my schedule for the week.

I also had a slight change-up in my schedule, where I will be going in a half hour early to help out more in the morning and getting done a half hour earlier in the evening.

I will be at work 9a.m. to 6p.m on Mondays, my one long day, and then 10a.m. to 6p.m. Tuesday through Friday.

Not bad.

I will have a little more time, that half hour really can make quite the difference in my week, to run errands after work and before I do the deal, to sneak in a little grocery shopping so I don’t have to do it all on the weekends.

So that I can go out on dates and have fun.

I really want to emphasize that for myself, I’m having fun this summer, I’m going to dance and be silly with the boys and wear my hair full of flowers (four today) and put on sparkly makeup and go out on the weekends.

Even if I don’t have a date, I’m going to make plans to see friends and do things at least once a weekend.

I can have down days, like yesterday where I didn’t go much (laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, doing the deal with two ladies back to back, cooking, yeah I didn’t do much) and took a nap during the latter part of the afternoon (no hell did not freeze over, but I thought it might) and read a book.

But Saturday’s I’m going to give it my best to be done with the chores and the deal and let myself do something fun.

A date with a guy.

An outing with a friend.

A trip to the Scooter Centre to get a new ride.

I thought about that a bit too this evening, as I rode home out towards the sunset, the smell of the sea washing over my face and the kiss of the sun leaving this part of the hemisphere, what it would be like to save a little time in my commute with a scooter and maybe for exercise I check out the new yoga studio down the street.

I don’t know if I’m going to buy a new scooter outright when I go to the Scooter Centre on Saturday, but I realized, I really am in the market.

I really do want to do it better this time.

I”m ready to have some real fun with a reliable ride.

Get out to more points and places and see more stuff.

And yes.

Have more fun.

That’s what you do when school’s out for summer.

You have more fun.

Bring it on!

Damn Fine Day

June 7, 2015

It was.

My tummy is still full from a damn fine dinner.

Liholiho Yaht Club.

Go now.

Despite having dietary restrictions I ate like a queen and enjoyed being out with my friend and reconnecting.

The food was divine, but the company did my heart immense good.

There are times when I think that I am lonely or that there are not enough people for me to connect with and then I get to sit and talk and connect and be around someone who gets me, and maybe, just a little I get him and it’s all good.

Especially since my first Match.com date was no great shakes.

I mean, it wasn’t bad, but no chemistry at all.

None.

Had me watching my watch, surreptitiously after a few minutes and I think we both knew it, we were friendly and chatted and the date lasted for exactly one hour and fifteen and it could have been done at fifteen.

Grateful I went and showed up for it and let myself be seen.

But sometimes to let myself be fully seen, its with a friend who has gotten to witness the good, the bad, the stupid, and vice versus.

Plus the food, like I indicated, was hella tight.

I had Hawaiian poke, beef tongue (best beef tongue I have ever had, though granted, I’ve only had it twice, this was superlative), two different kinds of salad–a beautiful beet salad and a gorgeous rendition of a caesar with Hass avocado, a lovely tuna belly, and the piece de resistance, a pork belly with pineapple and shaved fennel perfuming the dish–we ate family style, I did not eat all this on my own.

I enjoyed some jasmine green tea with the dinner and for dessert a Blue Bottle latte while my friend devoured the baked Hawaii–pineapple ice cream and caramelized chiffon.

Watching his face crumple with joy as he took the first bite of the dessert was one of the highlights of my day.

So often I see people buried in the screens of their phones to actually bear witness to such simple and pure joy right in front of me was a gift.

But I will say, I did enjoy some screen time today too.

In fact, I started my day with some screen time, and I learned how to use FaceTime on my Macbook.

I got to do a check in with my OG Burning Man family and the Junebug, who has been a serious hair farmer unbeknownst to me, I can’t wait to braid it up, and stick flowers in it and do matching outfits and uh.

Yes.

I miss nannying a little girl.

And Junior was my first real little girl, therefor, always, forever, no matter what, no matter who, will be number one in my heart.

To see those big eyes and that face and all that hair, I feel so lucky to have family, friends, Burning Man, San Francisco, love, all of the good gooey smooshy smash my heart stuff, it just overwhelms me.

Then I think, it’s just the divine pork belly I ate today.

But.

No.

There is more, the happiness of community and fellowship and all the richness and variety of my life.

Ah.

So good.

And the details for Burning Man are all coming together.

I am going, I have requested the time off from work, I get to go without it conflicting with school, I get to go.

We hashed out the details over FaceTime and I will work four shifts in return for transport there and back, a ticket and a place to camp.

Four shifts.

That’s it folks.

I mean, I know myself and I will probably help out more and I am thrilled beyond words at the idea of having playa adventures with my girl, so I can see spending more than a little more time with her than that, but I will also get to go and have some Burning Man time for me too.

I won’t be camped where I thought I was going to be, but when I realized that being further out and closer to the mountains and perhaps a bit outside of the hustle and bustle would do me good, I got into the idea and really, with my bike, it doesn’t matter.

And since I won’t need to be riding my bicycle to the Commissary every day, three times a day, I don’t have to even hit that part of town unless I have friends I want to see and hang out with.

Plus.

When I got the run down on all the lovely people who will be camping with my family, well, suffice to say, I was really excited and happy to hear it.

I get to camp with my favorite Burning Man people, I get to hang out with my favorite little girl in the whole world and I get to actually experience Burning Man.

Even if I were to work a little more, I would still be working half of what I worked the last two years.

Probably less.

And we talked about how I am not responsible for anyone else’s children–there will be other families there–I’m just responsible for my little lady.

I’m sure I’ll interact with and probably offer the families some sort of mama and papa night out on the playa, but I’m not going to worry about watching other kids.

I’m not going to worry about anything.

I’m going to go and I am going to have the time of my life.

I know it.

I’m going to have the summer of my life, in San Francisco.

When I think of the opening salvo to my summer, going to Chula Vista and seeing my grandmother, getting connected and reconnected to family, the love that I have discovered there, well, it’s only going to get bigger and better.

There will be more hanging with friends.

There will be more traveling.

There will be dating and fun and coffee and walks on the beach and love, love of my home, of myself, of my experiences, of San Francisco, Burning Man, art, music.

It’s all happening.

One day at a time.

One damn fine day at a time.

Everything.

And.

All the things.

Falling just so.

Like his face.

Rapt with happiness.

Girl Got Busy

June 6, 2015

Hella busy.

Like.

Busier than I so expected, but all good things.

Coffee dates.

Skype dates.

Doing the deal.

Hanging with a friend.

Eating some fancy food.

Shaking and going and doing and whoa.

Wasn’t I just wondering what I was going to be doing this weekend?

Yeah.

Now I’m wondering when I’m going to go grocery shopping and make food for next week.

I don’t have one date this weekend.

I have two.

One off of Facebook and one from Match.com.

Match is, so far, slightly better than OkStupid, I’m seeing some guys that I didn’t see on OkStupid and also that there seems to be an easier way of interacting with the site, but I have to say, it needs an overhaul, a big facelift for sure.

I know it’s been around for something like 20 years, but it’s time for it to get a better interactive feel.

Of course, I am only going to be on it for three months–I got the basic plan and that’s the shortest time you can commit to.

I give it 90 days.

And I have a date.

A good date, well, he looks good on paper (internet) and we have a lot in common, one big important thing that I was happy to confirm today, and we’re going to meet up tomorrow after I see my person in the Inner Sunset and get right with God.

Being girly I am a bit bummed that I won’t have time to do my nails before seeing him, but I just don’t have the time to squeeze that in too.

At least I don’t think so, I could manipulate my schedule a tiny bit in the morning, we shall see.

I have to get up and shower and I have a FaceTime date with the folks I’m heading out to Burning Man with to nanny for before I head out into the world.

Plus.

I’m not going to ride my bike.

Which means navigating MUNI and all that stuff.

Anyway.

I’ve got stuff happening and that is fun.

And I am grateful for it.

I like to be busy, I’m not so good at the down time.

I know there are times when I can get too busy and I know how to balance that.

This weekend is full, but not too busy.

I will have pockets of down time to take care of the things that need to be taken care of and I will have fun gallivanting about the city.

Inner Sunset.

Tendernob.

Possibly Noe Valley.

I may rearrange my morning a teeny tiny bit and have to cover ground in the evening and head up to Noe Valley.

It’s been a hot second since I have been there, so that could be fun.

Fun being the operative word.

I am going to have a fun weekend, I’m going to celebrate my life, I’m also going to celebrate that my FAFSA is now finally complete.

Apparently when I was in Chula Vista and trying to figure it out at my grandma’s place I did not save it properly and I received a notification this afternoon that I had to resign the damn thing and submit the correction correctly or my school wasn’t going to be able to access the information.

Oh.

For Pete’s sake.

Again?

I tried to do it at work on my break, but the screen on my phone is not the screen on my laptop and it was too much magnifying and searching and scrolling and my fingers were too big and fuck this man.

It can wait.

I forget that sometimes.

There are no emergencies.

Well.

Almost none.

There are infrequent times when I have to make a decision quickly and usually I regret how fast I move, if I pause and respond rather than react, it is usually a better outcome for me.

I realized as I was trying again, this time from the side lines at UCSC Mission Bay pool (where, ahem, I felt like a total ass, I had my swim suit, top, but not my swim suit bottom.  I couldn’t get in the pool with the mom and the boys this afternoon.  I was half annoyed with myself, I got up early to shower and shave and wore my hair pulled back just so I could get in the pool and now my hair is fucked up and I’m not getting in and grr, I got to rewash and do my hair tomorrow, but yay, I don’t have to get in the pool and be wet the rest of my Friday), that there really was no emergency.

It’s Friday.

No financial aid decisions were going to be made at 4p.m. on a Friday.

I can get home, calmly open up my FAFSA and submit, correctly, the correction.

Which I did and now it’s done and hopefully I will hear back next week in regards to what my financial aid package will be for school.

And yes.

i admit it.

I have thought about spending the money on not so school type things.

Burning Man supplies.

A new scooter.

A trip to Hawaii, I really want to go knowing a little more about my background and family I am quite eager to visit the islands.

A new mattress for my bed.

What I’ll end up doing is the same thing that I did when I was in school before.

I will pay my tuition, buy my books and any school supplies I need (oh my god!  I have to do back to school shopping!), and then pre-pay my rent.

That’s typically what I did when I was in undergrad.

Then the money that I made from working could be earmarked toward daily living expenses, groceries, transportation, etc.

I think I may have done a little traveling with some of the student loan money I received, I did go to Puerto Rico for a friend’s wedding in Old San Juan, and I went to Boston to see a girlfriend graduate from law school (I don’t remember much of Boston, I drank enough for all the celebrants) and I sunk some money into maintaining my car I had at the time.

I get ahead of myself.

The only thing that is important is done for the day.

And now it’s time to wrap this up.

I still have laundry to do and a few things to attend to this evening before getting up and getting going.

I got dates to go on people!

The weird is about to get real.

I shall keep you posted on all the fun.

Promise.

I won’t get too busy that I don’t blog.

Well, unless I get to busy getting busy.

Ahem.

You Need To Celebrate!

June 5, 2015

She told me tonight.

She hugged me hard.

“You show up, I just want to let you know how grateful I am that you do the work!” She shined up at me, she’s shorter than me.

I wiped away some tears, I was sharing about the past weekend and what it felt like to make amends and how sometimes I just feel like I’m not doing enough, and how I have worked really hard to sustain the abstinence I have and the 90 lb plus weight loss and how, nothing tastes as good as abstinence.

Also that it’s challenging repeating, again and again that I don’t eat sugar and flour and that it makes me sick.

I can’t just have one cookie.

If I could have just one fucking cookie I’d have one fucking cookie.

Or beer.

Or line of blow.

Or cigarette.

I can’t have just one.

That is not in my make up.

So to go and reconnect and make amends and walk into a new situation that I had heretofore ever had with my father’s side of the family and NOT eat the “better than sex cake” (which, I’m sorry, but after not having sex for the last six months, there is no cake that is fucking better than sex, bring on the sex! Damn it) is a big deal.

“It’s not about the food, though,” she said, quietly, sweetly.

“You show up, lady, you are amazing, you do a good job,” she hugged me again.

Oh yeah.

I do a good job.

I did good today at my job job.

And I do damn good at my other job, the more important one, the keeping it sober and together and real one.

Which allows for all the other work to happen.

So.

Yeah.

I need to celebrate.

Yes, yes I do.

So.

Um.

Yeah.

I signed up for Match.com.

Bahahahahaha.

Oh.

I kill myself.

But serious.

I did.

I am taking suggestions and as I have posited before I don’t have to know which ones are going to work, I really don’t, but I do have to take actions.

I can’t bemoan not going out on dates and being single if I’m not willing to take any actions.

Thus I took some actions.

I finished the profile last night and hooked up some photos and decided I would sit on it over night.  I’m still not a huge fan of the having to pay for the website.

When I was on my bike riding home, thinking about what I had shared and the feedback, and there was more, a bit more really, but nothing that is appropriate to put on the blog, some things I will share only face to face and what I talked about tonight in the back room of Our Lady of Safeway was really only for the ears within that space.

That being said, it made an impression on me how much grief I can still carry in my body over something that happened so long ago and despite having done a lot of work.

A LOT.

I still have grief there and there are still things to work out and let go of.

One of them is that I do not and will not ever have the body that I wish I had.

It does not matter that I have sustained the weight loss, although it really does, to my mind, when I have excess loose skin and like Caitlyn Jenner hiding her hands in that Vanity Fair cover, there is no amount of work that is going to cover it up when I am not wearing long sleeves and a sweatshirt.

I can’t just photo shop my sagging arm skin off my body.

It’s there.

“What’s that?” The eldest boy said to me tonight, feeling the soft folds of skin hanging loosely from my under arm, “it’s squishy.”

“That is what happens,” I said, after taking a deep breath (nobody wants their fat poked, or in my case, my sagging arm skin prodded) and knowing that he wasn’t being hurtful, he was just curios, “is what happens to your body when you lose a lot of weight.”  I continued, “my skin is not as supple and elastic as yours is and when I lost a bunch of weight, that’s what happened.”

“Oh,” he said and went back to eating his apple sauce.

Like it’s no big deal lady.

“I love you, Carmen,” he said, out of no where.

See.

It doesn’t matter how much excess skin you got, you’re loved.

This is the body God has given to me and when I criticize it I am criticizing the greatest artist ever.

I mean really.

Who am I to tell God how to make me look?

Not I.

And when my friend shared with me, when she thanked me for doing the work, taking the steps to do the amends, to go and show  up and be my authentic self (who happened to look very cute today in spite of upper arm skin sag, thank you very much), that she was so grateful for my example.

Well.

I am celebrating.

I paid for three months on Match.com.

And.

I bought two orchestra seats for “In Our Own Words” in Atlanta for myself and my darling friend who is coming with me to Atlanta in July.

Because sometimes I have to celebrate.

I’m also being treated to a dinner on Saturday by my friend, who confirmed with me that we were going early (to accommodate my dietary stuff) and bring on the raw fish!

We’re going to Liholiho Yaht Club on Sutter Street.

Hawaiian, how apropos, and contemporary Indian/Asian fare.

Bring me some Poke please.

And tomorrow is Friday.

Another reason to celebrate.

Besides the fact that I am seeing the promises in my life-like nobody’s business.

All that hard work praying off.

I mean.

Paying off.

Yeah.

That’s worth celebrating.

Indeed.


%d bloggers like this: