Feel The Burn!

Although.

Honestly.

I’d rather not.

I’m rather over feeling the fucking burn.

It fucking hurts.

I’ve been having some horrendous silent reflux.

Silent, as in I don’t burp with it, there’s not a discernible regurgitation happening, but, oh man, it’s there, and the pain, well, it’s not silent at all.

I, on the other hand, have been pretty silent about it.

I’ve been rather, grin and bear it.

But about four, five months ago I just could not do it anymore and I went and saw a doctor, with whom I had a follow-up appointment with today.

As my symptoms have not gone away despite being on a three-month dosage of medication to ease the acid in my tummy.

After going over all my food stuff again–no citrus, no peppers, easy on the tomatoes, nothing sour, no alcohol, nothing too fatty–I pretty much cleared everything but coffee.

I have definitely lessened my intake of the beverage, but I’m still drinking it.

I sort of feel like you can pry coffee from my cold dead hands.

Because frankly that’s what it’s going to feel like to not be able to drink it.

I have noticed that the reflux is worse if I drink any in the afternoons, it got bad Saturday when I was in school and had a coffee on a break with one of my friends in cohort.

And today, although it was decaf, I did notice an upsurge of the acid this afternoon and despite taking a second dose of the medication, it’s been pretty horrendous all day.

Then again, it could also be stress.

And let me not belabor the point.

I have stress in my life.

I work full-time in a caring profession, my doctor warned against ‘care taker burnout’ which is feasible, I work a lot for my family and it was a stressful past three weeks with a lot of sick kiddos to contend with.

(Then again, I’ve been a caretaker all my life.  I’m not sure I know how not to be).

And.

I also am a psychotherapist in training, so holding space for 7-8 clients a week, after care taking the family I nanny with, could, yes, contribute to burn out.

Oh.

And let me not forget I’m in grad school full-time.

Plus.

Well.

Personal work and relational grief have been at the top of my charts now for months, god, of course I have an upset stomach.

But.

I think it’s not just the stress, although it is very likely to be a contributor.

I think there is something else wrong and so does my doctor.

So I have to rule out a bunch of stuff.

Number one.

H. Pylori.

Which is a stomach infection that causes ulcers.

If it’s this, which in some way I sure hope it is, the lab test will let me know.

I have to, ugh, do a stool sample.

Never fucking though I would be writing that in a blog post.

If I have the infection it is easily treatable with a heavy dose of antibiotics.

The doc said I’d have to do two weeks of antibiotics four times a day.

Not the most fun, but doable.

The other thing that it could be is that the sphincter muscle in the esophagus is not working right, thereby not closing and allowing stomach acid up into my esophagus and throat, my nose and mouth.

I have acid in my mouth all the time.

I hate it.

I can’t taste it.

But I can feel it.

Hurts my teeth.

I also have a pretty constant sore throat and a tickle that leads to a cough.

I am not sick like a traditional cold, but it sounds like I have a cold.

I also have a great deal of nausea.

I haven’t thrown up, but I have had dry heaves a few times and once or twice did think I was going to vomit during some super stressful emotional moments.

What ever the cause.

I’m over it.

It’s been a pretty consistent life thing to deal with and I am tired of it.

The doctor referred me to a specialist, who can’t see me for a month, so I’m going to try to book another appointment with another on the list of doctor referrals given to me.

Hopefully I can be seen sooner than a month.

I was also warned that should I vomit blood or pass blood I have to go to the ER immediately, that such a symptom is indicative of a bleeding ulcer and I’d need to be seen right away.

Great.

Just what I wanted to hear.

Or that it, the acid, could cause me to have esophageal cancer.

Nobody wants the cancer word thrown about.

Nobody.

So yeah, it could have been th decaf coffee I had with my charge at Maxfield’s today as he enjoyed an afterschool treat with me and wrangled the promise of me teaching him how to play Monopoly, the kid’s going to be great at it fyi, or it could have been the stress of being told I could have bleeding ulcers and cancer.

Happy Thursday!

Ugh.

I was pretty shook up after leaving the office and I had to go to a lab cross town to get the stuff for the stool sample, ugh, ugh, ugh, and then over to Walgreens to pick up more prescriptions for it, and I ended up being pretty teary at work when I showed up.

The mom just gave me the biggest hugs.

It was very sweet, she is so sweet to me.

Hell, I’m tearing up writing about.

And I realized.

I could use a lot of hugs.

So if you see me out and about, stop and say hello and give me a squeeze.

The hugs they do help.

And fingers crossed, this will all get figured out and it will be a very simple solution.

I’ve got faith.

I am being taken care of.

I always am.

 

Wildly Annoyed

They fucking misspelled my motherfucking name.

Ugh.

I mean.

I was nice, really, really, really nice about asking them to change it to the correct spelling when I noticed it was misspelled on the sheet before the performance.

I just posted the YouTube video of the lecture that I gave back in December for People Who Usually Don’t Lecture.

I didn’t even realize my name was misspelled.

I probably would have not posted.

I’m tempted to pull the post now.

I get really ruffled when my last name is misspelled, especially when I make the effort to tell people the correct spelling.

I’ll get over it, I will, it doesn’t fucking matter in the grand scheme of things.

Just something to distract me from life at the moment.

A little distraction is not a bad thing.

Here.

In fact, just to show I don’t really give a fuck, here’s the link.

I also hate the fact that they filmed the damn thing from underneath the stage, hello there’s a nice double chin.

Ugh.

Anyway.

Vanity.

It will get me every time.

I haven’t watched more than a few seconds of it, I actually don’t want to watch it, I don’t need to be critical of myself.

Because you can be damn sure I went there.

Why did I wear that dress?

Holy shit I look fat.

What’s going on with my hair?

I should have worn this, that or the other.

NOBODY cares.

So in lieu of torturing myself I’ll just leave it here and should you like to look, feel free.

In the end, I’m grateful that I got to have the experience and I really had such lovely and amazingly positive feedback from the people in the audience that came I don’t really care how the video looks.

In fact.

I would have been fine not seeing it at all, but I did have a lot of requests via social media to post the video up when it was ready, so I honored that request and put it up.

Anyway.

Like I said.

A small distraction from my current state of affairs.

I had a long day, another early day into work, another day with one of my charges home sick, another day of being sad.

But not as sad.

It’s shifted a little.

It comes and goes.

It screams in and out and then meanders off into the other room for a minute and then comes back and surprises me.

I have changed up my listening habits regarding my music for the moment still and I have made myself listen to upbeat dance music in the car.

Driving and crying while listening to certain music is just a fucking danger to myself and society.

I’ve not cried as much today, although cry I did.

I had a phone call with my person this morning and laid out all the ugly emotions the hurting and the sadness and the not wanting to do this any more and how to keep marshaling on and doing the next thing in front of me.

I talked with a girlfriend in the afternoon and sobbed for a while, but I gave myself a very short leash, I had to do school pick up for my oldest charge, he’d requested a date with me to Maxfield’s and so I had to buck up for him and it was good, he’s such a sweet, tender boy, he’s got a birthday coming up and he’s made some dinner requests for his birthday dinner which is adorable.

I love that he loves my cooking.

He’ll be eight in a few weeks.

He’s having a weekend birthday party with his friends but asked his parents that I get to be a part of his special day too so there’s a small family dinner that I will be making for them and it tickles me that he really wanted me there for his birthday dinner.

I love the family I work for, they keep me busy, but that’s helpful too.

I’m very grateful for the joy of working for them.

Although, truth be told, I haven’t been my best at work this week, sometimes it just feels like I’m marking time until the end of day, until I can get back in my car and not have to pretend to feel sunny and upbeat.

I got teary at work, but didn’t actually cry in the house, which was the first time that happened this week.

I also made damn sure that I was in control of the music today that was playing.

The music yesterday just killed me.

Too many sad love songs.

Just too fucking many.

Of course.

Everything reminds me of what I am going through, the sky, the clouds, the avocado tree in the back yard.

Fucking wrote poetry about that avocado tree.

I’ve been super vague about all this heart ache and heart-break and loss and sadness and I apologize.

To a point.

Somethings are just so precious to me that I have not wanted to share them with you, I know, I know, you think I am a tell all, and I have told some super juicy things here in this blog space, but I just haven’t shared about this.

It’s too private.

Too tender

Too much.

Aw.

Fuck.

God damn it.

Hello tears.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I thought I had this.

I mean.

I thought, start the blog with something that piques your ire, misspelling my last name will do that, and you’ll be fine.

You won’t talk about wanting to cut your hair off or how you feel ripped apart inside.

“Don’t cut your hair off!” He said to me tonight, “I’m a hairdresser, you have such beautiful hair, don’t do it!”

He wasn’t the only person to approach me tonight and say that.

I won’t, it’s just a manner of expressing how much grief I am in.

How much loss I am feeling.

A hair geographic would just distract me from feeling the pain.

So no.

I won’t be cutting the hair off.

Although.

Yes.

I will be getting a tattoo.

So that will help mitigate the pain, just like the pain in my tooth, a distraction from the emotional pain.

My tummy hurts so bad, my body aches, but hey, at least I’m not dehydrated anymore.

I’ve really made sure to drink a lot of water the last few days.

Anyway.

I’m not dead yet.

And what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger.

Right?

Jesus fuck.

I thought I was strong before.

I’m going to be indestructable at this rate.

Sigh.

You Are Built For This Work

He told me.

I was so amazed to hear him say that.

Also, “you are deeply intuitive.”

And.

And.

And.

Wait for it.

“You are going to be a kick-ass therapist.”

Followed quickly by, “actually, you are a kick ass therapist.”

And then a smile.

And his brown eyes got warm and melty and in that moment, holy shit, I saw it, my supervisor likes me!

I was blown away.

I mean, I still am now, it seems surreal.

The man is intimidating.

Which he acknowledged today is not an unheard of thing between a trainee and a supervisor, he said, “I’m a white, older man, in a position of authority.”

Um.

Yup.

But.

He is also fucking brilliant.

I am often astonished by his intelligence and I am grateful that I can swim in the waters of his sagacity.

It’s intense.

He told me today that I am far beyond what a second semester trainee needs to be doing.

That I know what counter transference is, transference, that I know how to make an intervention, that I am warm and comfortable in my sessions with clients, that I have clients that want to stay and work with me, that I have built a roster of clients, that I am deeply intuitive.

He told me that he has other trainees that it takes fifteen minutes to pull the counter transference out of them.

“What’s your counter transference?”

“I don’t know.”

I don’t have that problem.

I may have others, but that is not one of them.

I see it, I have it, I am beginning to know how to use it and it’s a powerful tool.

Aside from being just flattered as fuck, it was such a nice way to begin my birthday.

Especially since I was dreading the review a little bit.

The last review was not so hot, not bad, and he really made a point of telling me more than once that I was doing all the right work and I was on the right track, that I was learning and implementing what needed to be learned and implemented.

But it was not effusive.

Not like today.

I was really just bowled over.

It was to not be my last bowled over of the day.

I have had just the loveliest birthday.

Sure.

I had to work.

But.

I opened birthday cards, from my mom, from my grandmother, from my best friend, from my family I nanny from.

I got myself my favorite chocolate drink from Rainbow.

I had a very sweet morning with the mom at work and collaborated on the work that needs to happen this week for them, school lets out tomorrow at noon for the holidays.

I had a great time with my school pick up and my oldest charge and I had a super sweet coffee and bagel date at Maxfields, I had the coffee, he had the bagel.

Then.

Holy shit.

My family gave me a new Iphone for my birthday!

I just about fell off the couch.

And flowers and the fore mentioned birthday card.

I mean.

Wow.

I got a new Iphone 8.

I am still a little in shock.

And so grateful.

Unbelievably grateful.

It is so lovely to be appreciated.

They are grateful for me and I am for them and it just was such a resoundingly nice thing for them to do.

I still have to set it up.

The internet, shocker, in my studio sucks, and I couldn’t get my phones to sync up.

I’ll bring it in to work tomorrow and do it there.

I promised my oldest charge he could help me take photos with it.

We chatted a lot today at the cafe about what we want to do over the holiday vacation.

Ferry ride to Sausalito.

Children’s Creativity Museum.

Exploratorium.

Drawing comic books.

Reading about space.

House of Air.

Movie date to the Metreon and Super Duper Burger.

So much fun.

And I got out a little early.

Not a ton early, the kids were so excited to give me my present and the entire family sang me happy birthday, it was just so, so, so sweet.

Then home and putting away goodies and groceries from my earlier trip to Rainbow in between supervision and work.

And then dinner at the new’ish restaurant around the corner from my house, Hook Fish Co.

It was delightful.

My best friend took me out.

Oh.

And gave me the most beautiful pair of earrings.

So special.

So sweet, my god, I just feel like I got all sorts of unexpected love today.

I just had the nicest time.

That my friend took time out of a way super busy schedule to take me out to dinner, that my relatives sent me cards and sweet little gifts, that my family gave me an Iphone.

An IPHONE.

Then I got the prettiest pair of earrings EVER.

I love them so.

How lucky am I?

The luckiest girl in the world.

And.

Heh.

A kick ass therapist.

Just ask my supervisor.

Seriously.