And in some tears.
Sigh.
I had another post op appointment with my surgeon this morning.
He checked out my belt lipectomy, “it looks beautiful,” he said, very pleased.
I told him that I have been doing the scar massage twice a day and he applauded that and told me to continue, pointing out that the scarring on my back would fade with time.
The scar there is a bit wider from bending over, stretching, etc.
Basically I was told, keep up the good work and I’ll see you in six months.
“Any questions,” he asked?
“Actually, yes, what is this?” I asked, pointing to a bump I’ve noticed for a few weeks and that frankly spooked me a tiny bit, what is that thing?
My surgeon felt it and said, “nothing to worry about,” he could tell I’d been worrying.
(It’s some surgical instrument he left in there and he’ll need to go back in and retrieve it! Thanks brain, thanks for sharing.)
“It’s a surgical knot, it’s a stitch, it will dissolve with time, it’s fine,” he said, then, “anything else?”
“Yes, actually,” I said. “When can I stop wearing the binder?”
My surgeon smiled at me, “now, you don’t have to wear it anymore.”
Holy shit.
I was over the moon.
Really?
Yes, really.
“I’ll see you in six months,” and off he went on his busy surgeon way.
I looked at my binder, I folded it up and almost left it in the trash in the examine room, but part of me was like, slow your roll, you might want that later.
So I put it in my purse and put on my leggings and dress and cardigan and left the examination room to make an appointment with the receptionist.
“What days are good for you,” she asked.
“Fridays,” I said.
“Ok, that puts us into September, how about the 16th?”
I asked for an earlier spot and she got me in the week prior on the 9th.
I walked out the door, got gingerly in my car and drove home to get ready for my clients.
I shared excitedly with a few friends about not having to wear the binder.
I mean.
It’s been on 24 hours a day for just under five months.
I was so fucking excited to not wear it.
The only times I take it off are when I’m taking a shower.
Otherwise, all day long, all night long.
I ate breakfast without it, went into sessions without it on, checked in a lot with my body, it certainly feels much more vulnerable without the binder on, I can start with that.
Then.
I began to notice swelling happening.
Ugh.
I sort of sensed that would happen, I mean, even with the binder on I swell during the day, by the end of the day the binder is quite tight.
My belly is always the least swollen in the morning after I have slept.
So I didn’t fret too much.
But, boy oh boy, has my attention been there all day, especially as the swelling continued, to well, swell.
By 5:30p.m. I was like, great, this sucks.
Same at 6:30p.m.
My belly felt and looked to me like how it looked pre surgery. I felt scared and tender and I thought, fuck, I haven’t had dinner yet. And some wonderful part of my brain shared, “what the fuck was the point of getting the surgery if it looks the same as before?”
Fuck you brain.
Also.
It does not look the same, the surgeon always shows me the before photos, even swollen it looks different so stop being so damn mean to me.
Then I thought.
Ugh.
I can’t imagine eating like this.
What if it swells up even more?!
I can’t do it.
But.
I also know better than to not eat dinner.
I have an eating disorder, being mindful about eating my dinner and all my meals is really important to me.
So, with some chagrin, I went and put the binder back on.
Sigh.
Fuck.
Tears.
Resignation.
And.
Relief.
Ugh.
It feels better.
And yeah, maybe it is purely psychological, but after being a therapist holding my clients trauma all day, I’m ok with being gentle with myself and being ok with sure, maybe it’s a placebo, but whatever it feels better.
So just do it.
Listen to what your body is saying.
My body is also saying, get a god damn shoulder massage.
But I can’t get a back rub yet, well, I suppose I could have someone work on my shoulders in a chair, but I don’t think lying down on a massage table is quite an option for me yet.
Gotta wait, back.
Anyway.
I have it, the binder on now, and I reached out to a friend for support and it’s ok that I’m a little sad about it and I can realistically understand that it’s just been under 5 months, the full healing arc of the surgery is 9 months to a year.
And fuck.
My arms that I had done in July, still hurt at the end of the day.
They hurt now.
Not so much that I am overly distracted by it, but they hurt and that surgery was done 8 months ago.
So patience brain.
The body is in charge, not you.
Feel your feelings and be ok with process.
Soon you won’t be in a binder.
My friend suggested I take it in small steps, work up to wearing it less and less.
And really, I got to give myself props, I went from 10a.m. to 7:45p.m. not wearing it.
That’s pretty fucking good.
So, gently, slowly transitioning.
Without too many damn expectations.
And being ok with the process.
Listening to my body without judgment.
Poor thing has been judged too much as it is.
Auntiebubba 