Posts Tagged ‘moon set’

No, Not Yet

May 25, 2017

I’m not ready.

And.

It doesn’t matter.

Because.

Tomorrow I start my internship.

Fuck me.

I am still jet lagged, I still keep waking up too early and then rolling around in bed in a half dream state, fantasies and revery keeping me company, but not compelling rest.

So, I got up, sprung up, got ready to go, cleaned my house, striped the bed, washed everything, sheets, pillowcases, duvet cover, swept the floors, swiffered the fuck out of everything, dusted, tidied, wrote, had coffee and still had time before heading to work.

When I got to work I had a full tilt boogie sort of day and I utterly forgot that I had agreed to stay an hour later.

Ugh.

Four o’clock the jet lag hit, would be 1 a.m. in Paris, makes total sense, and I have another coffee and rally and do the nanny dance and I am helpful, but my God, tired.

I had so hoped to be out of it at this point.

I am making myself stay up a little later tonight, even though I am tired, to balance myself back out.

I wasn’t incompacitated, I was just softly out of it.

I got home later than I wanted threw a half assed dinner together as I didn’t have enough time to really heat up the dinner I had planned, and ran back out the door to my Wednesday night commitment.

In between all the coming and going and work and doing the deal I checked my e-mail, maybe mid to late afternoon, I had my phone all day, but not much access to it, I had the baby a lot today at work and the mom worked from home today, then the 7-year-old and the four-year old and the cooking dinner (brown butter poached chicken breasts with tarragon and herbe de Provence, pan sauteed asparagus and zucchini with roasted garlic, quinoa fusili with parmesan and olive oil, baby spinach and strawberry salad with red wine balsamic and crushed almonds) and helping put the kids to bed and nighttime routine and story time and toothbrushing and snuggles and hugs and wait, didn’t I have a big important e-mail to look at?

I did.

And I just can’t even process the e-mail.

I have to be at work early tomorrow.

ARGH.

I can’t hate on it though, the mom gave me Monday off to recuperate and I just get to suck it up and show up and it will be ok.

I just start my internship tomorrow and that was what the e-mail was about.

My key codes, my telephone extension, my keys, my e-mail address.

Holy shit.

People.

I have an office, a key card, key codes, keys, e-mail address.

I am going to be seeing clients.

In my own office.

Starting tomorrow.

Ok.

That’s not true, tomorrow I start, but I won’t have a client, I will have a training and a sit down and a schedule that will be mapped out.

I glanced at the e-mail, I couldn’t give it my full attention at work, there was too much to do, and I didn’t have time to look at it in between getting home from work, throwing some food in my mouth and hustling back out the door.

I just know the gist of it, a new e-mail for clients to get a hold of me, a phone number and extension to my office, that I will get a set of keys and a key card to get into the building.

I will sit down with my supervisor a half hour after I get done with work and hash out my training schedule and when I will start seeing clients.

I know that next Saturday, not this Saturday, I have it off, thank God, I will start my group supervision training although I don’t know exactly what it will entail.

Originally my supervisor broke it down like this: M, TU, 6:30-9p.m. Thurs, Frid, 6:30-9pm. Saturday 2pm-7pm.  I am hoping, however, to get out of Saturdays a little earlier than 7p.m.  Either that or start a little earlier.

I will be switching up my work hours soon too, the kids will be finishing up school in two weeks.

I will start going in earlier and I will work an extra hour, so I will be fully 40 hours instead of the 35 I am now.

And.

Breathe.

And focus on this moment.

I am listening to The Orb.

I am drinking hot Bengal Spice tea.

My house is clean and I get to crawl into fresh sheets.

There is nothing like getting completely naked and slipping into clean, soft, cotton sheets.

Exquisite.

Fresh sheets always make my gratitude list.

I have my candles lit.

There is just this moment, this now, there is nothing wrong, nowhere to go.

Well.

In the next hour I will be going to bed.

But.

I have done all that I possibly could today and I won’t beat myself up for not being able to look at all the details in the three big welcome abroad e-mails I got from my internship.

I will review them in the morning when I have my breakfast and coffee.

After I good full night sleep.

I feel easier for just having written all this out and for knowing that I made it through today and that as long as I take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time, doing the best I can in each moment, then I am taken care of.

I always have been.

God has not brought me this far to be dropped on my ass now.

Suit up.

Show up.

And it will all be fine.

And I have a nice weekend planned.

I’ll do the deal, meet with my people, hang with friends, go to yoga, go to the DeYoung on Sunday and catch the Summer of Love exhibit.

And now.

A spot more tea.

A bit more music.

A winding down.

Brush my teeth, wash my face, tell myself a sweet bedtime story about love and wrap my arms above my head, close my eyes, face in the soft pillow, head turned towards where the moon will set in the morning.

Good night.

Sweetest dreams my friends.

Sweetest dreams.

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Super Sonic Blog Post

September 21, 2015

I have no idea what I am going to say except that I am going to say it as fast as I can.

And.

I hope to be done within a certain time frame because I am up past my bedtime on a school night and really, I should just be getting under the covers.

But.

It seems wrong to not write a little.

To not wear my heart a tiny bit on my sleeve.

Did you see the moon set?

It was a glorious firebrand smoldering over the inky black sea.

Did you smell the bonfires on the beach?

I did.

It was a glorious day in San Francisco.

I spent a lot of it reading.

But I tried to get out a little and I gave myself breaks and no, I did not get as much done as I had thought or hoped.

I’m alright with this.

I’m ok to keep doing a little in the morning before work and a little more at night before I go to bed or before I blog.

I am ok to let myself have a little life experience.

Go for a ride in a car.

See a room.

Hang out with my fellows.

Get my God on.

And.

Commune with the beach and the waves and the stars.

I saw two shooting stars tonight.

I wished for the same thing on each one.

“I wish to stay sober.”

I say it soft, under my breath, in the dark shadow of my heart, the dreamsicle orange of the moon descending with love below the horizon of my tender sweet soul self.

The first one I saw I almost wasn’t sure was a shooting star, but it had the trace of tail and was bright enough that I was certain.

The second one made me gasp out loud, it was long and low and the tail was bright orange.

It was an emissary.

Promise of bright things to come.

Love.

Taking care of myself.

Doing my reading.

Graduate school.

Dreams of travel and shoes and ships and sealing wax.

Cabbages and kings.

Poetry and nursery rhymes and the sound of the ocean crashing just beneath the beach line of dunes.

No.

I did not do what I set out to do this weekend and yet I had a fabulous weekend.

A weekend that went by so fast that I cannot believe it is Sunday night and time for me to wrap it all up tidy in a neat bow of words and images and thoughts and soul strivings and stirrings.

I was flexible this weekend.

I gave myself allowance to do and be and see and be seen and that has to happen in my life just as much as the work or the work won’t be worthwhile and all I am doing is living to work.

Rather.

I want to work to live and give myself a little allowance sometimes to play.

It is almost as though I am convincing myself that I have this leeway, this lassitude, this wayward time with time.

And.

I do.

I am efficient.

I am quick.

I will have to work a lot next weekend.

I have a project with another classmate that I have to prepare for and I don’t want to leave her in the lurch with the work.

But.

I also realized today when I looked over the syllabus for the one class I dread the work the most, my Human Development class, that I don’t have to have the paper done for that class until October 13th rather than the 2nd.

I have a little tiny bit more time.

I do have to be honorable and not screw my partner and get to the reading so I can properly outline the chapter that we are presenting to the class, but I can see that it will happen.

Little bits and pieces at a time.

My first appointment on the day was late, and so I read a few pages there.

I got up about 15 minutes before my alarm went off, so that added another quarter of an hour this morning.

I read for an hour after my lady bug left my house.

I made lunch at home and read.

I read after lunch.

I checked in with my person and told him what was happening in my heart.

No expectations.

Going slow.

Staying in the present moment.

I read some more.

I went up to the corner store and bought a few household things I needed to get.

I came home and read more.

I got a ping and headed out the door to do the deal in Mill Valley.

Did you see the bridge today?

Did you see the clear skies?

Did you stop at Fort Point because it was too irresistible to not stop?

I did.

How grateful am I to live in such tremendous beauty.

The sumptuous bay sparkling and spun with boats and cargo ships, yachts, sail boats, windsurfers, seals, seagulls, waves, sunshine.

Rolling into Marin.

The hills sweeping, swept with Eucalyptus and the warmth of a day that spells all that is summer and sexy and San Francisco and if it were like this all year round it would be even more expensive to live in.

And when the sun shines.

I have to make hay, I have to let my skin soak it in.

I ate my lunch outside today in the back yard, blissed out with the warmth and the happy sounds of the neighborhood.

I did not read my stuff outdoors, it’s too distracting and too easy to just lift my face skyward then down into the pages of the text and yes, I could have read more, but I let my heart be my guide and look.

Look at that.

I am happy.

Joyous.

Free.

And just made it in under the wire to get enough sleep to get up and do it all over again tomorrow.

And.

Go to my job too.

Life.

It is good.

Full as fuck.

But so good.

SERIOUSLY.

So Much To Do

September 20, 2015

And it will all get done.

I have not exactly procrastinated.

But.

I did take some time to do some things today that are indicative to me of living a full, rounded, lucky California girl kind of day.

I got some outside time.

I watched the moon set.

It was gorgeous and dreamy and deep thick cream color that darkened and brightened until it was a fiery coal ember settling into the sea.

I had long conversations.

I met with ladies and did the deal at Tart to Tart.

Yes.

I got the nails done.

I am not even sure how the hell I snuck that in.

I did some grocery shopping.

I did some cooking and prep work for the week of work.

And.

I stared at my stacks and piles of books and readers.

I did read some.

I had a four o’clock appointment that got pushed back until 4:30, which allowed a half hour phone check in with my person and also a scoop of reading time to flip through another few pages.

I know that if I continue to show up to the page and live through the page, the reading will get done.

I did not do quite as much as I had originally thought I would do, but I outlined some time in my schedule and made a concerted effort to acknowledge the amount of work and also that I am not going to get to all of it.

I am just not.

And that’s ok.

It has to be ok.

I am not willing to sacrifice certain things in my life to the altar of graduate school.

I can’t.

I have obligations and people and stuff and things.

Perhaps that is vague, but I have responsibilities to be working with my fellows too.

I can’t do one without the other.

And as I got plugged back into the matrix of my community I felt more settled and whole than I have in a while what with the traveling and schooling and Burning Man’ing.  I got my reconnection back.

I got my ladies back and that just felt so good.

I am still up in the air with my work schedule and how that is all going to suss out, but primarily, I feel like I am slowly establishing a routine that is working for me.

And.

Yes.

I am tired.

But my day was fabulous.

Even if I did not get all the reading done that I wanted to do.

I ate divine sushi.

I saw a movie.

I know!

I went to a theater.

Who is this woman of leisure?

Not I.

My person gave me crap today and took out an imaginary date book and pen and jotted down all the things that I was going to do today and made a list and checked it twice and I giggled in horror at how accurate she was in her ribbing of me.

I mean.

Spot fucking on.

Then I gleefully informed her that I was also going to have fun today and outlined the plans and she was happy to hear it.

“You have to have fun too, otherwise, what’s the point?” She asked me and smiled.

What’s the point indeed.

I am proud of myself and the work I do.

But, yes, I do need to have fun once in a while and I took my friend’s suggestion from school and went and saw M. Night Shamalyan’s movie, The Visit.

Holy shit.

It was scary.

And.

It was hella funny.

I mean I laughed almost as much as I screamed, out loud with fright, a couple of times.

Yes.

I am that girl in the theater.

So glad I took my classmates suggestion.

“Yeah, your grad school people are an important part of your life for the next three years, they are going to know you and see you and be there for you,” she said to me on the phone as I checked in from the back porch.

The sun came out today.

The fog ran away with the spoon.

The little dog laughed to see such a sight.

And the moon ran away with the night.

It tasted like coconut lip gloss and looked like love.

I wore a sundress and my crinoline.

I felt sassy.

Just for today, just for a little while I took some time away from the so much to do and let myself have a little play time.

A little space to hollow out a softness in my heart to be myself to grow further and find that gentle sweet balance that I know I can achieve.

All the adventures.

All the ways and days.

I am so excited.

I can barely see the outline of the days to come, I just know they will be full.

That I will be alive.

That I have so much to do and give and grow and become.

It is awesome.

Exciting.

Intense.

Growth.

Love.

All the things.

And the cusp of buttery moon swimming down into the inky black of the sea, the bright flames of a bonfire on the beach, the rumble of the surf on the sand, the catch of smoke my nose, and the living of life all about me.

So much gratitude.

My tiredness slips from my shoulders and I make plans on the morrow knowing the softness, the tenderness in my being will remain nestled in my heart, secure and strong in joyful living.

I am woman.

Hear me roar.

Soft.

But strong.

Here and present.

Clear with love.

Always.

This.

Love.

Always.

Love is everywhere

Love is everywhere

Love is everywhere

Love is everywhere

People can you feel it

Love is everywhere


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