And I wish I had not seen the video of my dress rehearsal, but there it is.
I don’t like how I look and it is uncomfortable to watch.
My shit.
I know that.
I have a different sense of how I look and I felt, ugh, just not pretty or attractive or engaging.
Oh.
I know that isn’t true, it’s just a feeling, a way to not acknowledge the work I have done to be where I am, but it’s there.
So, hey, negative self-esteem, nice to see you too.
Although, let’s be fucking honest here, no one should shoot video from below a woman’s face, fuck people, who doesn’t know this in the age of selfies?
I was like, oh look, double chin.
And I’m wearing a fucking flannel and messy pigtails.
I could cry.
I’m vain and I feel like I look heavy and it just wasn’t what I wanted to see on my phone before heading in to see my clients.
That is a request from the producers of the show to share my video montage that they made on social media.
But.
Hey.
Anything for a good cause.
And it is.
I don’t have to be the most attractive thing on the fucking planet, or in town, and there’s no way I’m going to be any of those things anyway.
But.
I can be myself, messy, flawed, thick.
It’s who I am.
I am no svelte lady, I get to walk around in this body and keep getting to be grateful for it.
Sigh.
I’m going to get up early.
I’m going to shower.
I’ll do some nice make up and put on a pretty dress and I will not give a fuck what the negative talk is in my head about how I look on video.
It’s just how I look and the damn thing will be done and I will move on with the rest of my life.
Really.
I loved the experience of hearing my friend’s talk and how beautifully he talked about our experience and the hug we exchanged and I’ll remember that, not how I looked fat in my pink flannel Gap shirt that I now want to burn and never wear again.
Gah.
I guess I have some more body image work to do.
Sigh.
I know I’m being a baby, I know I am.
There’s nothing wrong with me.
I just don’t like how I look on video.
I would hazard that there aren’t a lot of folks outside of movie stars that do like how they look on video, it’s weird to see oneself in a different light.
And I am grateful I get to do this and I’ve practiced a lot and I think I have a good talk.
It certainly elicits emotions.
I think that’s the most important thing, that I share my soul a little bit, that I’m vulnerable that I am honest.
That is my beauty.
That is where I shine.
And frankly I wasn’t shining on the video.
Oh.
It’s not bad, it’s just not what I want to portray.
I don’t like it when I know I’m being video taped either, I feel awkward.
It’s the same when I’m having a photo taken.
I can take a great fucking selfie, I know my angles, but fuck someone else taking my photo and the results make me want to gag.
I felt the same way when I did the photo shoot to get the head shot for the event, fat and unattractive.
Old news, old story, just another old way to beat myself up for not being what everyone else in this society wants to be.
I am heavier than I want to be, thanks grad school and practicum, I don’t get to work out as much as I used to and I haven’t bicycle commuted in a couple of years, sitting on my ass reading and writing papers has put a few pounds on me.
But not that much!
So.
I know it’s my head and it’s a way to try to self-sabotage something that will bring me joy to do.
I don’t want to ruin the damn thing before I even get on stage.
Fuck the cameras.
Fuck the image bullshit.
Show up.
Put on my best dress.
Put on some lipstick.
And shine.
I know I can shine.
I know it when it comes over me and suddenly words are just falling out of my mouth and I am moving in this marvelous sea of love and it feels extraordinary.
That’s what I want.
That’s how I am.
And I need to shake this shit off now.
I do not want to be in fucking tears the day of the show.
I look like shit when I cry, thanks getting old, my eyes can’t hide tears very well.
Plus.
I have fucking therapy in the morning.
I warned my therapist that I did not want to be crying in my next session when I left her office last week, I don’t want to have cry face.
I’ll bring my make up bag just in case.
Ugh.
I am being a baby.
I knew I wasn’t going to like the video before I even saw it.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I will not compare and despair.
I will fucking not.
I am just fucking fine the way I am and I will change again next week.
Change is always happening.
Few more grey hairs on my head.
More laugh wrinkles around my eyes.
I don’t know that people are going to remember how I looked, what I hope is that they remember how they feel after I have shared.
That is what is important.
The message.
Not the medium.
The medium is vain.
I wish to carry the message and that’s all.
That’s it.
Just be my authentic self and let that bring happiness.
That’s all that matters.
In the end, really, that’s the most important thing.
Share my joy.
Not my vanity.
And.
Just.
Be.
My beautiful self.
Auntiebubba 