Three Quarters

And then some.

Through my second weekend of the school semester.

Third year of my program.

One day of classes tomorrow.

And it’s a short day, I’ll be out by noon.

Very happy for that.

I almost forgot that I won’t really have a day off until next Sunday since I’m in school all weekend, I saw a client yesterday, in addition to being in class, and today was a great big full day, 9a.m.-8p.m.

Sometimes I come out of it in a bit of a daze.

I didn’t so much tonight.

The fresh air helped.

The beautiful crescent moon in the sky lured me home and I had many thoughts and much dreaminess over take me.

And then I was home.

It was as though today was a dream.

Albeit a full one of learning.

The school weekends are not as difficult as they have been over the last two years, partially because I am in internship, I am seeing clients, I’m doing the therapy, I am a therapist.

So the school stuff seems almost, but not quite, irrelevant.

I am constantly learning more and I feel a softening in myself around a lot of it and a trusting, a much greater trusting, of my intuition than I have ever had.

This is a nice space to be in.

I remember how exhausted I was after my first weekend of school my first semester, first year, I was obliterated, I would get home in a daze and slowly shed the day and pack my lunch for the next day and fall the fuck out exhausted.

I remember how much my brain hurt.

I feel like I am still learning and the learning is richer, fuller, deeper, but it doesn’t quite wear me out as much as it did before.

I think my capacity for taking in new information as grown.

Or perhaps I have just assimilated it all in my brain.

Either way, yes, I am tired, but not blasted to smithereens.

I can see being up for a little while, I can see having a snack, I can see writing my blog and not feeling as though my brains are leaking out my ears.

And yes.

I am a little bummed that I don’t have tomorrow off, I mean, who really wants to be in school on a Sunday?

Especially with it being glorious Indian Summer in San Francisco.

But.

I am hopeful that I will get to have some enjoyment.

I’ll be done by noon and I was thinking I might hit up some fellows in the Mission around 12:15p.m., hang out, get right with God, and then have the rest of the day to I don’t know, do my nails, eat a nice lunch, and then all the maintenance stuff that needs to be done–grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, at home.

I don’t plan on making it a big crazy day, just some mellow self-care.

Which is always needed during school weekends.

I went out to lunch today with a couple of my friends in the cohort and got caught up.

I have invites to Miami and Nevada, to Paris.

I like these things.

My friend joked she knew how busy I am, but one day she was going to get me to come to her home in Nevada.

Maybe if I get that car I’ve been contemplating.

That could be a possibility.

And.

One of my other friend’s lives in Miami and she’s always telling me I have a spot to stay.

I haven’t been to Miami since I was 19.

And I was homeless.

Not really a trip that I want to replicate.

Or experience.

I would like to have a new relationship with Miami, see it through my friend’s eyes, check out the food, the art, the beaches.

And of course, Paris is often on my mind since my darling friend moved back.

I miss her so much at school sometimes, it’s hard.

I am thinking since I withdrew from doing the ALC ride that I might want to do a trip to celebrate my graduation from the Masters program in late May, Barcelona for a few days and Paris for a little bit.

Not sure yet what that might look like, but it’s definitely up there in my head.

Fuck.

God damn it.

That reminds me.

I have to call Sun Country and find out if I need to use that ticket that I have from my cancelled Christmas trip to Minneapolis last winter.

I vaguely remember that I either have to book travel by the time I bought it, I had a year to use it, and of course, I haven’t used it.

I just don’t recall if I have to use it, ie travel, by the time I bought the ticket, which I think was mid-October of last year, or if I just have to book the ticket to travel by that time.

I need to call and find out ASAP.

I mean.

It’s coming up on the last week of September.

I may only have three weeks to use that thing or be out the money.

I suspect I may be out the money.

Which I will live with.

I was sad that I had to cancel those travel plans last year add in a Thanksgiving with head lice–cancelled travel plans for that too, a birthday party where the venue failed to alert me they were going to be renting space out to a private corporate party (Free Gold Watch), so there was not a party, although there was a nice brunch with folks in Cole Valley, and a Christmas that I spent pretty much alone and sitting in a movie theater watching a movie on my own, well it was not the holidays I thought I was going to have.

Truth be told.

The holidays have been wonky for me for a while.

And I’m smart enough to know to not hang any kind of expectations on them.

I do want to find out about the ticket.

I mean.

I may just figure out a way to fly somewhere for a few days.

It’s not like I have vacation time to take at work.

I don’t know.

It’s probably a lost cause, but at least I need to look into it.

Anyway.

This rambling blog is showing me that perhaps I am a tiny bit tired after all.

One more day to go.

Almost there.

So close.

Good night.

Sweet dreams.

Don’t let the bed bugs bite!

You Are Really

In demand.

My boss told me this afternoon when she arrived to the house.

I was busy cooking broccoli soup when she came in.

“How did it go?” She asked, in reference, I’m assuming to the gig yesterday, which she had alluded to when asking me to make a batch of the soup via text when I got into work.

“Good,” I replied and smiled.

As though the two families weren’t in communication, they would have seen each other at school today.

And it did go well.

“Well, you are really in demand,” she continued.  “They loved you and wanted to know if they could get another day with you?”

Oh really?

Nice to hear, but I do wish I was being involved with the conversations.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

“Would that work for you?” I asked, calculating that it could work for me, depending on what day of the week they wanted me.

“Oh, absolutely, in fact, I was asked by another parent if you’re available in January,” she finished.

Oh really?

I mean, how very interesting, timely, and rather amazing.

I was asked for my resume yesterday for a friend who has a friend who just had a new baby.

I worked on it today before work, updated it, added my graduate school program (what person wouldn’t want someone who is getting a master’s degree?  Especially in psychology, didn’t I tell ya, I’m in Child Therapy class right now?) to my education and updated my current job position.

It looks pretty damn good.

So it was sort of funny, is it odd or is it God?  When I had the conversation with the mom.

It went really well.

We talked about references and referrals and she told me point-blank that she wanted what was best for me, that yes, they would love to have me two days a week, but that was their needs and not mine.

Um.

Yup.

I explained that I was concerned about continuity and with benefits and that it’s a challenge to try to get health insurance and days off for holidays and vacation when I’m piece meal with my jobs.

I don’t want three gigs.

I want one.

To that end we also talked about a soft end date for me, being most likely the end of December, possibly before.

The second family that I started working for this week want me until December 12th.

It might be good timing for me to finish up with both families around the same time.

I’ll also be in my last weekend of school that weekend–the 9, 10th, and 11th.

I was a bit bummed today to realize that was the last weekend of school, having just received a wedding invitation for a dear friend for Saturday December 10th.

I thought for a moment about not going, then I was like, fuck that, I’m going.

I’ll do my morning class and leave at the break for my second class.  I’ll miss the evening class, but whatever, I can’t not go to my friend’s wedding.

I sent in my RSVP yes earlier.

I also talked with my French friend about Paris in May.

Oh, the sound of that.

I do so adore it.

I’ll probably buy a ticket here pretty soon.

Although I may wait until I suss out employment.

But.

Fuck.

The tickets are a good price right now.

I found one for $741 round trip direct.

That’s sort of insane for Paris.

I wanted to buy the ticket right now.

I’m just going to pause one more night and wait on my friend’s confirmation of the times that she will be in Paris.

She’ll be studying for her exams and I’ll be mostly on my own to do my own thing.

No problems with that.

The only thing I will want to do prior is get a new camera.

Mine did hit the dust, literally and figuratively after Burning Man.

I was able to retrieve the photographs off of it that I had taken, but there was no getting the camera to work anymore.

I had to say good-bye and trashed it.

I will definitely get another one before I travel.

Heck.

I may want one for November travel as well.

I’ll be headed to Nevada for Thanksgiving.

I was invited to a friend’s house and she’s willing to make the trip to pick me up and to bring me back.

Road trip!

I’m excited for a little side trip to Nevada.

I’m sure it will be pretty, it will be great to have some time with my friend, and it’s nice to be wanted.

That’s what today felt like.

Lots of being wanted.

I felt really good today.

Very alive.

Of course, it may just be that I got caught up on all the sleep I missed over the weekend with classes and the new gig yesterday.

I decided to skip yoga and sleep in.

I am so glad I did.

I needed to work on the resume and I paid rent and put some money in my savings account and did some writing.

I felt all adult and accomplished and proud of myself for taking the time to deal with the stuff that’s been nagging at me to do since the whole work thing sort of dropped on me last Monday.

Grateful beyond words that I have a job while I look for my next one, that I have great references, that my family is willing to refer me out and that they already have people asking for me.

Again.

It’s really nice to be wanted.

It’s something that I need to know.

I haven’t always wanted to see it or acknowledge it, but it’s important to see it.

I sent a thank you text to a friend of mine today for giving me some really insightful words regarding my job and moving forward and she replied, “just reminding you of your superhero powers.”

God, it’s good to be seen.

And.

Loved.

That’s what I feel like today.

Thanks friends.

Y’all rock.

Seriously.

Fluffy, Fluffier, Fluffiest!

Fluffer!

I sent out an e-mail to a friend who works at Burning Man.

I asked for some help in regards to my situation and I offered to be of service in return, which is really the only way to go, I don’t expect special treatment, but if I could get what I was asking for it was going to make my Burning Man experience.

In a big fucking way.

And.

I got a positive response.

They needed help and absolutely happy to help with an early arrival pass.

EARLY ARRIVAl.

The only way to arrive.

I may have to wait in a tad of a line at the Gate, that happens, since I’m not arriving super early, but early enough that I am going to be able to enjoy my burn in a way that I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to do.

I asked to get a pass in for the 27th.

One day before the event opens, basically, but it’s going to give me a full day and a half to my time at the burn.

I am so happy.

And so happy to help out.

I am going to be a fluffer again for Media Mecca.

It is not what you think, get your mind out of the gutter.

A fluffer is a person who helps get ice and water for the specific team that is busy working their asses off being of service to a specific part of the community.

I have always had special ties to Media Mecca as that is where I was camped my second year on playa, nannying my first playa nanny gig.

Mom ran Media Mecca and I got to see these little bits and pieces of the back end of the event and frankly, it’s fascinating, but then, I was also very new in my experience with Burning Man and really focused on my charge.

I missed so much too.

I was busy working.

And I will work this event too.

But not like I was doing when I was a nanny.

I got asked to do a shift Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of the event.

Which means grabbing up water coolers and hopping in a golf cart and running over to the Commissary and flashing the ice and water pass to the monitor, you bet your ass you got to be credentialed to get ice, it’s gold out in the desert, hello, please.

Then washing out the coolers and getting the requested amount of ice for the area you are fluffing and hauling it back to camp and distributing it where it needs to go.

Done and fucking done.

I love doing it.

It’s pretty simple, it’s an easy way to be of service and it’s a nice little work out too.

Plus, I’m happy to be doing anything at Media Mecca, they are my people.

I’ll get to see people that I only see at Burning Man, from all corners of the world.

I was thinking about next year, actually, yeah I know, I haven’t left for this event yet, but, I won’t have a retreat for school and I will be able to take a full week of vacation time to go to Burning Man and fingers crossed, the start of third year will not be over the Labor Day weekend.

I’d be able to go for a longer stint.

I’d like to do a bigger volunteer effort and work with Media Mecca again.

It feels like home and I know a lot of the team members and the alumni.

Plus.

Well.

Anything to secure me going another year.

I want to help though and doing a service out there really is the way to go and so, I’m so grateful to get to go and help out, I’ll tote some water and haul some ice.

No fucking problem.

Besides, it’s amusing to no end to tell people I’m a fluffer.

The response is hilarious.

And.

And.

And.

This: Dear CARMEN MARTINES,

Thank you for booking your trip with Rentalcars.com!

Yup.

I did it.

I rented a car.

Not a big one, just a little one, I don’t need a truck or van to haul my shit and I realized that instead of trying to figure it out, to put on my big girl pants and just rent a car and drive myself.

In fact.

I’m hella excited to do the drive on my own for the first time ever.

Guess who gets to choose the music.

Me!

Guess who gets to stop where she wants for bevvies and snacks?

Me.

Not that I will be stopping much, aside from gas, for snacks and meals.

I’ll be bringing my own food with me and I may also stock up on the water too before I go.

My plan is a crazy one, but it will be the one to get me the most amount of time at the burn.

I’ll be coming from two weeks of work with my family in Glen Ellen.

They are going to rent me a car for the two weeks I’m with them, so I can come and go and as well as come back to San Francisco the weekend in between.

I’ll be returning the car the evening of the 26th, that is my last Friday with the family.

I’ll get done with work at 6p.m. and drive straight to SFO.

I will drop off that car and go pick up my car.

I will come back here to the house and pack all my things into the car and I will drive through the night to Burning Man.

Hopefully getting there early morning before the heat starts up.

I’ll be tired, but excited, I have already done the trip in one shot three times before, driving straight from San Francisco through the night to the event in Nevada.

It can be done and I will be happy to do it.

As it gives me one full extra day.

I’ll have the early arrival pass, I have a vehicle pass, I have a car (yes, I’ll be getting it cleaned and detailed before I return it, I know what vehicles coming off playa look like and I budgeted that into my travel costs), I have my own tent, a camp chair, a blow up mattress, a cooler, blankets and bedding and pillows, solar lights, and all the costumes and hair flowers a girl could possibly want and a couple of crinolines, goggles, utility belt, tools, harness, and boots.

And heart shaped sunglasses.

Oh.

Ha!

And my bunny slippers.

Adulting.

It’s fucking fun.

Who knew?

I’ll be able to leave the event on my own steam, knowing that I can get back in one straight shot.  I plan on leaving the event on Wednesday, the traffic out will be very, very, very light, which will be super helpful, and I’m hoping to get home late Wednesday night.

Sleep.

Shower.

Clean out the car.

Car wash it.

Return it.

And then go to Mike Doughty that night.

You know what’s funny?

The show is in Burlingame.

Which is, ahem, pretty much right by the airport.

Funny how it all works out when I act in faith.

And the next day?

My first official day of my second year of graduate school.

It’s pretty fucking awesome.

Here’s to be fully self-supporting.

With a little, oh, really, a lot, let’s be honest, help from my friends.

My dear.

Dear.

Dear.

Friends.

See you in the dust!

The Last Big Push

And it’s almost time.

Go time, that is.

I made it through a double shift today, and truth be told, it was not so bad, although I had to apparently have some spice and drama to make it fun in between.

I thought I was going to have a nice mellow dinner somewhere in Cole Valley, a nice little sit down and gather myself for the oncoming onslaught of all things Burning Man.

But no, that was not to be the case.

I discovered, oh woe is me, that I had forgotten my charging brick for my laptop at my nanny gig in the NOPA.

How I managed to do that I cannot even tell you, it was right there with the apple and the fresh bag of Stumptown Holler Mountain I had gotten at BiRite this afternoon.

Right there with my notebook, my phone charger, my phone, my bag of pens and my messenger bag.  I had put it all on the corner of the dining room table so that I did not have to carry extra weight in my messenger bag when I took out the monkeys to the park.

I thought I had put it all back in.

But no.

I left the charger on the corner of the table and went on my merry way when my shift ended at 5 p.m.

My way which was graciously paved by the mom of my littlest guy, she offered to drop me off at the home in Cole Valley, but upon finding out that my stuff was still out at my place by the beach, that I was going to go get it after I finished my night gig in Cole Valley, she said she would just run me back to the house herself, save me a trip later.

Thank you!

Such an unexpected and nice gift.

It was when we were heading back that the discovery was made.

She asked me, “do you have everything?”

Then she ran down a quick, down and dirty list of the most important stuff that tends to go overlooked, power cords, phone charger, etc.

I opened my messenger bag and saw immediately that my phone charger was right where it was supposed to be, but not the laptop charger.

And there was only one place it could be.

Back in the NOPA.

FROGS!

She was unable to drive me all the way back, and we both sort of figured that my family in Cole Valley would have chargers galore.

True.

There would be a spare I could use that was attached to the trailer I am staying in.

However, it dawned on me, I am still going to need it when I go to New York, and I am going to need it tonight when I am writing and I will want it when I am in Reno tomorrow night.

And well, dang it man.

I had an hour before I was due in.

The family offered me a vehicle, but upon inspection, it was too much, I just was not prepared to get into the car and drive over in rush hour traffic, I also could not find the key and was beginning to feel a tad panicked.

Not the time to be in an expensive car driving in San Francisco rush hour traffic–my gut said don’t do it and I had the oddest flash of having a stupid accident in their car.

Not what I wanted to do.

So I decided to walk there and back.

I made it just about on time.

I was five minutes late coming back, but pretty much did the deal.

I caught a bus for a part of it, but actually beat the MUNI coming back because of traffic.

I got my charger, made it back to the gig, finished the dinner with the monkey, got him a nice bath and snuggled into some moose footie pajamas, and that’s all she wrote.

I did some sorting of my stuffs, taking a few things that I really didn’t need to have with me in the car for the first leg of the journey, and then ate a late dinner.

Whew.

I am done.

And yet, it’s only just begun.

The plan is to be on the road by 11 a.m.

I will have phone all day tomorrow as we will only be going as far as Reno.

We may even get in there early enough that I can hang out on the strip, or something.

I actually have an idea of what I want to do, if there’s time, there’s a little club that I want to pay a visit to for an hour in the evening.

Otherwise, it will be chilling at the Grand Sierra and taking advantage for one more night of running water and hot showers with strong water pressure.

Tomorrow I will get up here in Cole Valley and take care of the pumpkin, make sure he gets out and we run around the park and expend lots of toddler energy, then away we go.

It’s hard to believe the day is finally here.

I felt a bit like a hermit crab today as I trundled up the stairs to the first gig of the day, my messenger bag already full of gear and bits and overnight stuffs.

But there were pockets of time when time seemed to stand completely still and I had contemplation and serenity, and a deep silence filled with gratitude that once again, I get to go out to the desert and have an intense human experience that just cannot be had anywhere else in the world.

Supreme gratefulness.

There’s little for me to do tonight, except change into my pajamas, not moose footies, that would be something now wouldn’t it?

And have a cup of tea and a light snack.

I am a little too wound up to drop off to sleep right away, so I will watch a show and chill for an hour or so, but not too late, the day will be on me before I am ready for it I am sure.

Time to make the tea and get my butt into some pajamas.

I got places to be in the morning.

Tomorrow, bye bye San Francisco.

Hello Reno.

In just.

T-minus 13 hours.

Counting My Eggs

And no.

That is not a metaphor.

I am not referencing anything.

I am not putting a cart before a horse, eggs in a basket, two in the bush, one in the hand, sort of deal.

I was literally counting my eggs.

I wanted to figure out what my grocery needs are as I head into the home stretch before traveling out to that big dust bowl in the mountains.

I have a hard-boiled egg with my breakfast and I have been counting them down as I have breakfast, which sort of makes me laugh when I am prepping myself in the morning, but it really got ramped up today when I arrived at work and we started the counting down of the days.

We leave in ten days.

Which seems like forever and yet, not enough time.

The mom and I discussing what needs to go where in our schedules.

I have been covering some extra Fridays for her as she winds her way into the homestretch of craziness and the dad does the same, both parents have big, big, big jobs out there.

Not that any job out there isn’t a big job, it’s a big job just getting out there.

I chatted with a friend today trying to negotiate the way in and out.

So many options.

Early arrival.

Early leaving.

That’s the consensus of most of my friends that go, get there early and leave there early, avoid the traffic and lines both ways if at all possible.

Or get there early and leave late.

Which is what I will be doing.

I will be on playa 9 days before the event even starts.

My time on playa looks to be 19 days this year.

Not my longest stint, that was last year at 22 days, but damn skippy close.

It’s a lot of time to be gone, a lot of time to be in those kind of conditions and a lot of planning and organizing that needs addressing.

Sometimes it can feel like too much.

Like, Jesus, it’s always Burning Man, I am always getting my stuff together or out of storage or back into storage or can you bring that bin over to my friend’s house so they can load it into a container that may or may not be where I hope it will be when I arrive.

Thankfully, I don’t have to negotiate that sort of thing.

But I do timing.

I have my schedule pretty set for the rest of the countdown.

I will finish out this week of work and do my standard commitments and meet ups and get to here at this time for coffee/tea/check in with this that and the other person.

In addition to, I have an appointment to see the ophthalmologist on Saturday after I do my normal Tart to Tart session at 12:15p.m.  The last time I will see that lady until well after September is in session, then off to the eye doc to get fitted with contacts.

I have worn them before and decided it will really be a nicer experience for me on playa to not have to worry about glasses.

I will bring them, but I am going to get two weeks worth of disposable contacts to have out there which will just be so much nicer than always having to wipe off the dust from my frames and also I can wear sunglasses and my goggles without having to worry about not being able to see.

It was tricky negotiating my glasses last year and I prefer to go back to my eyeglass free state that I have had for all my other Burning Man adventures.

Hard to believe that this is number 8 for me.

Eight!

I do have the packing down to a science though, and my footprint is small, so it won’t take long to get it all together.

The trick is to get it all to my employers house while working the full week next week and doing the overnight on Thursday.

The mom and I hashed it out this morning and it looks like what I will do is scoot from my NOPA gig back to Cole Valley next Thursday, pick up mom’s car, drive it out to my place, load my stuff up, then drive back to Cole Valley and nanny for the mom and dad starting at 7p.m. until probably midnight.

Spend the night, load up my stuff in the morning into the camper, I will be in the Bambi Airstream again, and head out late morning, early afternoon.

The hope is, for me, and I think for the mom too, that we can get on the road around the time he goes down for his nap.

The nap has varied from 11 a.m. to noon to 12:30p.m. over the last few weeks, so sometime around then, get on the road and let him sack it out for the first two to three hours of the road trip.

It will be perfect to be able to do everything Thursday instead of Wednesday as we had previously discussed, then I won’t have to live out of my messenger bag for a day and a half, I’ll just be able to pack an overnight bag, which also translate to my overnight in Reno with the family.

We’ll stay in Reno the night of the fifteenth, get up, do a last-minute run on Whole Foods in Reno, then hit the road and be into the event just as the afternoon heat is breaking.

That’s the plan anyhow.

Whew.

It’s a lot of detailed stuff, but it’s also a joy, a deep abiding love for this strange event with its incomprehensible depths of art, culture, music, principles, and community, a love of family, this strange, wild, wonderful group of people who have embraced me, the playa nanny, and continue to support and help me as I them.

I have a community and a fellowship that I will never be without, can’t ever be without.

But I also have Burning Man.

And that just puts the cherry on my sundae.

A very dusty sundae.

But one I enjoy with immense gratitude.

Here we go folks.

T-minus ten days and counting.