The sound of your laugh.
I cried on the way home from my meeting.
Listening to French House Music that is not supposed to make me sad.
“Boy turns to girl and says, I love you so.”
“Boy turns to girl and says, I love you so.”
“Boy turns to girl and says, I love you so.”
You could see how that did not actually work out so well for me.
A crow landed on the porch at work today.
It sat bobbing on the thin railing staring into the patio glass doors.
Looking at me.
I was bent over picking up toys from the floor.
Matchbox cars.
Legos.
A stray ribbon from a dolls tousled red hair.
The crow looked at me.
I told him to tell you to come for me.
I know.
Fairytale stuff.
But I did it anyway.
I have forgotten the sound of your laugh.
Do you know how destroyed that makes me feel?
I have been in pain.
I am in pain.
It is all just pain.
The sunset.
You.
The moonrise.
You.
The sea swell and waves rolling into the beach.
All you.
I wrote you a letter yesterday.
I forgot to write you poetry since we have gone our ways.
Separate and apart.
But not really parted.
I realized that I had not as it was so hard, so painful.
I have ghost images of words and fragments of feelings that tell me what the poems might have been about.
You may hazard a guess.
They were sad poems.
My imaginary epistles to you.
I can’t remember how you laugh.
I can see it, I can see your smile, but I can’t hear you.
All I hear is the sound of my own sobbing in the crook of my elbow.
Head bent over the table I am writing at.
I had not thought about losing your voice.
I have pictures of you.
I look once in a while.
Until I start to cry.
Then I stop.
The picture of us in front of the fire in D.C.
Still it haunts my computer.
Still.
Pops up whenever I connect my phone to my computer.
Your face.
Mine in silhouette.
Your arm around me.
Why did I have to lose your laugh today?
Why?
I have lost so much already.
This is not a poem.
This is not a cry for help.
This is just me sad and alone crying into my hands.
While fire races up my side and burns me from the inside out.
I lost your laugh today.
I will never be the same again.
Never.
Again.
