Yes and no.
It was with some relief that I sent off my last two papers.
Thus the culmination of having arrived at the point where I could say, yes! Bring on the Burning Man.
Except.
Well.
There’s more to do.
Argh.
I realized that I will have to stay up to par with my reading, all the reading that needs to be done for the first weekend of school–really, my first week at school on campus–which is the weekend after I get back from Burning Man.
It already feels like I have been doing school work for a month.
Which I have.
The reading, the papers that were due before the retreat, the retreat, the catching up on reading, the getting here, to Glen Ellen for work, working, back to SF, then back to Glen Ellen, more working, then more reading, the writing of all the papers.
In toto: 5 papers.
A ten page paper.
A seven page paper.
An eight page paper.
A short one page creative brief.
And another two page reflection paper.
The last two papers I did this evening and it was in the process of looking over the syllabus that I discovered, god damn it Professor Kich! That I had another paper due that was a reflection paper (similar to the one he had my class do previous to arriving at the retreat) in regards to the reading that needs to be done for the class that opening weekend on campus.
And if he’s got reading, you can be sure that there is other reading that I have to do.
I felt instantly deflated.
As though none of the work I had done was worth it, that I was constantly going to be doing work, the work, it never stops.
Then, I reflected, of course I’m going to feel this way, I’m in graduate school and the work is not going to stop.
At least not for the next three years.
That’s the deal.
That’s the reality.
So.
Don’t bemoan what there is left to do.
Just get to it.
I did what I could.
I felt a little blown out from the big paper writing last night and it took me a moment to get into the papers tonight.
But I did.
And I had done some reading, just a half hour, while on my break while the family went for a hike in the Jack London National Woods, this afternoon as well as another hour and some change this evening after finishing the two small papers.
I had seen the Kich assignment when I was reviewing my reading this afternoon, but it didn’t really sink in until I sat down later in the evening to do the last of the papers.
Despite feeling like I was getting off the work in a reasonable time, way ahead of schedule I felt almost immediate panic at the thought of having to stay on top of the reading for the upcoming session.
The thing is, I remind myself, I have done a hell of a lot of work since the end of the retreat and I have caught up on the reading and surpassed what I need to read for one of my classes.
Granted, one of my classes the god damn reader is not available for it.
Damn it Dubitzky!
Get it together.
I’m sure it’s not the professor’s fault, the reader can’t be printed yet because there are some sort of copy write issues happening with it, royalties haven’t been paid or something of the like.
I haven’t even looked at the syllabus for the class.
I know there are other readings for it and I will explore those when I can.
I can also take care of doing some reading tomorrow as well as when I get back.
I’m not taking my books with me.
Although it is a definite consideration.
But I have been to Burning Man enough times to know that I won’t read there.
Not the way I am going this year.
I am not going to be stuck, isolated from the rest of the event, with the exception of going to the commissary three times a day.
I knew there was something wrong with my last couple of burns when the highlight of my day was going to the commissary so that I could interact with people.
I will not be that isolated this year and I am allowing myself the freedom to play and play as much as I can.
Which does not mean in the conventional sense of the word, I’m not going to be imbibing in extracurricular substances or drinking or partying in the common parlance of the saying, “work hard, play hard.”
NOPE.
Rather, my play hard will be dressing up, drinking loads of coffee, wearing fun makeup, sticking too many flowers in my hot pink hair, dancing without a care in the world like no one is watching, even if they are, bicycling across the playa, hanging out with friends at camp, going to do the deal in my favorite village, visiting Camp Stella and Run Free, having reunions, making new friends, making out, there has to be making out, I deserve (and need, frankly, need it at this point) to be kissed, and kissed well, more dancing, late night walks under the stars in deep playa, looking at art, playing with art, singing, giving hand massages, connecting with people, those I love and those I haven’t yet met but know I will love, connecting with my favorite little person who is not so little anymore, rides on art cars, snuggling in furry blankets, seeing fire art, FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
Oh there will be playing.
And there will not be blogging.
Yup.
You heard it here first.
I have decided, officially, to not take my laptop.
I cannot afford to damage it and I want to have an unplugged experience.
My phone will go with me and I will use it for photos and I will also have my Fuji camera on hand, there will be much photography.
But I won’t be blogging or logging on to the internet out there.
I won’t be reading or writing papers.
I will be having fun.
I will allow myself this.
I will not take on extra.
I will be of service to my community.
But I will not sacrifice myself and my experience any longer.
It’s time for me to go to Burning Man.
Really go.
So whatever reading doesn’t get done.
So be it.
I’m doing good.
I’m ahead of the curve, I’m not going to sabotage myself or my experience.
I am going to have fun.
If it fucking kills me.
I jest.
A little.
Auntiebubba 