Posts Tagged ‘new work’

Just When I Thought I Had It All

July 31, 2014

Figured out.

SURPRISE.

Guess who gets to look for a new job?

Ugh.

That was not the conversation I thought we were going to have when the mom said, “we need to talk.”

Ulp.

“I’m fired.”

My first thought, followed quickly, by, “for what?”

Third thought was, “they are moving.”

Not one of those thoughts were true, which is a good thing to remember, my thoughts are often not true, so often are they not true I wonder why I even bother listening to them at all.

Note to self.

Stop listening to  your head.

The mom sat down and I sat down and we got down to the business of taking care of the sweet, sweet monkey, who got into pre-school.

And not just any school, but Katherine Michiel‘s, a fantastic pre-school that always, always, always has a waiting list.

The mom explained that they had put themselves on the list and had completely forgot about it, they weren’t expecting the phone call they got three days ago saying, come in for an interview.

It happened that fast.

They interviewed and of course my boy got the spot.

Of course they took it and of course they should have.

I so understood, in fact I was a proud, albeit sad, nanny, I know that I may have had a hand in some of that sweet, smart, out going personality.

Who knows how much, but perhaps just that bit that got him over the hump.

He’s an outgoing little boy and handsome and intuitive and smart and has great parents whose philosophy is very aligned with the school, plus it’s pretty much in their neighborhood, on the way to work for mom, and you know, if they hadn’t taken it, there were only 50 other children on the wait list happy to usurp his spot.

50.

Then the bomb really dropped.

He starts on September 2nd.

The day I leave Burning Man.

Which means that I only, as of tomorrow, have two more weeks with him.

I didn’t burst into tears, I withheld that until the mom left and my charge had been fed lunch and I had put him down for a nap, then I called a friend and burst into tears, but I did get leaky.

Two weeks to say good-bye.

“This is not goodbye,” his mama insisted, “you are a part of our family.”

I know this, but it is still nice to hear and I know that the 14th of August is not going to be the last time I see him, or probably take care of him, I am sure there will be other days.

I am also saying good-bye to my little girl Thursday two weeks from tomorrow.

It felt like a double blow, losing them both.

Ah.

My heart breaking.

I know that this is only God making it bigger so that I can hold more love.

I am not being abandoned.

The mom said the family wanted to cover my costs the week after I get back from the event, so the week of September 8th I will have financial coverage, and the mom of my little girl Thursday saw a social media message regarding my status and immediately sent me a message.

From Germany.

Where she is at a teaching conference.

She could use a little coverage for her daughter who will be transitioning half days into pre-school for that week, and perhaps some things here and there.

So.

I have the next six weeks taken care of.

I have paid my rent for August.

I have food in my fridge.

I have clothes on my back.

I have socks in my drawer.

Go read last night’s blog if that made no sense.

I am done with my Burning Man prep.

I am alright.

Yeah, I suppose I could freak out, when is there going to be time to look for a job when I have a full-time job right now with extra hours every week until I leave for Burning Man, besides taking care of and covering all my other commitments, which are just as important as the work, as they enable me to do the work, and oh, yeah, get my stuff organized, and over to the house to take to the event.

Yeah.

Not so certain that right now is the best time to be looking for work.

But I opened up Craigslist to scroll for a few minutes and when I got nauseous looking at job listings, I just got off.

I have had so little success with Craigslist, I do better word of mouth and I have a huge network, and a lot of great references, I will be fine.

I did ask for a letter and she said, you write it and I will add in more superlative adjectives than you can shake a stick at.

I have great references, I have great skills, I have deep, abiding faith.

I have not been dropped on my ass.

I am not going to be now.

In fact, fuck this, I am excited.

Yes.

God cleared the slate, there is something amazing coming down the pipeline.

I can’t see it, I am in the dark hallway again, but I don’t feel like I am stumbling around hitting my head on walls, I am just taking sure, quiet steps forward, toward the open door.

I don’t even know if it’s going to be a nanny job.

I got peeped about a teaching assistant position that a friend knew of, but the pay was too low.

I know what I am worth and I am not going to go backwards.

It could be anything.

“You’re going to be taken care of,” my friend said tonight as she drove me home into the fog and the chilly late July air, “it’s going to come to you at Burning Man, just wait and see, you’re going to be just fine.”

“And you can always sleep on my couch if you need it,” she smiled.

I thanked her.

“I mean it.”

Good to know.

But I don’t believe I will have to.

My future is unfolding and though it is totally unexpected, I am sure, certain, complete in my faith that I will be held and the next thing is better, brighter, and more me than this is.

And that must mean it is spectacular.

I am ready.

Please, remove the fear.

Direct my attention to what you would have me to be.

Now more than ever.

I await my directions.

With a full and thankful heart.

This is going to be amazing.

Just wait and see.

Don’t Argue For Your Limitations

May 28, 2013

Because no one else is.

Everyone believes you can do this.

What ever this is.

It may take some time to learn a new system, or a new way of thinking, or a new way of doing, of getting organized and I just need to let myself be teachable and learn.

It is just like working at the bike shop.

Except that it is above the bike shop.

It was interesting to see how I felt saying hi to the guys in the shop, then heading off with my friend and new employer to her office to sit down and start in on what she needs me to do.

We were joined by another friend and her adorable dog.

Oh my god, wearing a brown color with pink polka dots, excuse me while I talk baby talk to the pup, too much cuteness going on here.

I am replacing said friend.

I do not know that I am a great replacement for said friend.

She blew my socks off when I saw how she was thinking and what she has done for the business and the skill set she has.

I was quite impressed.

“You’re not enough,” my brain started in.

Shut it.

I just need to sit, ask questions, and absorb information.

I know this process, it sucks, I want to be good right away, I want to know how it’s done right away, I want to be able to do it better than anyone else, right away, and here’s how I’ll do just that.

Except this is work beyond my learnings.

Oh, I can feel that I have a tiny finger hold onto it, I can see from past experience, actually working at the bike shop was a perfect comparison, that my skills are much deeper and greater than I give myself credit for, I just have not organized them yet to this job.

Makes sense, it’s the first time working for a firm like this.

I love it.

When I could let myself love it, I was loving it.

They spoke to me in English, this is already a plus, and I did understand some of the structure behind what needed to be done, I could see the basic needs.  I just don’t see the overall scope of it yet.

Despite it being right in front of me.

It is like a wall of colors and words and fonts and images that have yet to organize themselves in a clean utilized fashion for me.

It is a challenge and I am going to have fun.

Thank God for experience.

Thank God for knowing that negative Nancy-ass voice in my head is not a truth generating voice, it is a fear generating voice, and it lies.

Lies.

I can do this.

If I can learn how to ride clipless and complete a journey of 569 miles (I don’t care what the route map says, I rode 569 miles) on a bicycle, I can learn how to juggle calendars and use new software that I have not used before.

I can learn how to interface.

I watched my friend multi-task e-mails and two huge computer screens and a mouse pad that’s not a mousepad, but is, and an Iphone and then just lean back and tuck her Mary Jane clad foot underneath her sweater dress and chat about the dog and the weekend and how things are going with this project, I was in awe.

I want to do that.

And I can.

Granted, I have some learning to do.

“Lucy”  I can hear Desi’s voice in the back of my head while she pretends to know how to dance, having snuck onstage in a red and white pleated skirt and samba top with a basket of fruit balanced just this side of precarious on top of her scarf wrapped head.

I can’t fake this.

However, I can fake a kind of confidence in myself that I do not have, but I do, if you catch my drift, until I get the basics under my belt.

I remember when I was working for this small law firm about five years ago and I did not know a thing about being a legal secretary or filing appeals at the clerk of courts office at 850 Bryant, or how to ask for the information the attorneys needed.

I did find out though.

And fast.

One of the partners was blown away that I had the tenacity to ask a set of questions of a potential client, questions that they were going to need to ask, and I just saw what needed to be done and did it.

Same with learning their accounting needs.

Same with learning how a to put my bike together, I have done it twice now.  I can break it down and set it up.  Granted last time I put the front wheel in backwards, but that got fixed.

Ok, sure only after riding it for three days, but it got fixed.

“Yeah, I took it in to the shop this weekend and ended up behind the counter at one point helping a customer and I felt good, but I knew it wasn’t the right spot,” I said.

“I like being of service but I don’t like being passively aggressively manipulated with flattery into doing something,” I continued.  “I found myself uncomfortable with how I was approached and how dismissive it was to be asked to work for them again via text, but then never have a sit down face to face offer made to me.”

We really want you to work for us but cannot summon the courtesy to have a cup of coffee with you to discuss our needs and your needs.

Really?

“So you’re learning what flattery is and you were able to see passive aggression in someone else, that is progress,” he said to me outside of Cafe Flore on Market street.

“Yup, and I suppose I could have said hey, yeah, I’ll work for you, this is how much I want, even though I know they would never pay it, I decided I did not like being treated the way I was being treated and did not even ask what the pay rate was, I just passed and said no thank you.”

“You are growing up,” he said, “how’s it feel making adult decisions?”

Weird.

But kind of weird in a good way.

I bet lots of people don’t know what they are doing when they start out, I’m starting out at something and I would not have been asked if they did not believe I was good, that I have potential, that I can be of service.

I have all those things.

I have been asked to do lots of things that I thought I would never be able to do because some one else said, “I think you would be good at this.”

My potential is always recognized by someone else.

Not me.

But at least I have stopped saying it out loud.  I paused and sat and listened and took notes and I am going in on Friday and look at that, I am suddenly working every day this week.

I took myself to Herbivore for a little dinner celebration of one.

I looked out the window onto the Valencia Street corridor and thought of how far I have come and all the things I have gotten to do and now am getting to do more and I felt overwhelmed and awed and scared, but scared in a good way, an exciting way.

A life changing way.

Just keep saying yes and move out the way.

This is my mantra.

I can do this.

 


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