Posts Tagged ‘New Year’s resolutions’

It’s A Good Thing

January 18, 2021

To write.

I am making an effort to get my blogging back on.

This is not a New Year’s resolution, seems late in the month for that shit anyway.

I can’t remember the last time I made a resolution.

I like my life.

I don’t feel compelled to do some big self-improvement.

Granted.

There are some things I would like to do a bit more.

Definitely a little more exercise.

Being housebound with the pandemic and also not nannying and sitting my office chair for eight or nine hours a day has left me feeling a smidge out of shape.

So.

More outside time, more walks and more bicycle rides.

Especially since I took my trusty whip into Valencia Cyclery yesterday and got her nice and tuned up–adjusted the headset and got a new silver Izumi chain.

She rides like a dream.

I’m committing to at least two bicycle rides a week, maybe three, and more walks.

I have been walking, though I feel like I could just keep that up as much as possible.

My whip all dolled up with a new silver Izumi chain.

I’m alone a lot, who the fuck isn’t, with the pandemic and shelter in place.

At least getting outside I see people in real time, rather than Zoom time.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the fuck out of Zoom, I get to meetings, I work with clients via video, I am grateful.

But it is not the same as seeing people in the flesh.

Even if they’re masked.

I recently had a friend move to the neighborhood–literally two blocks away! And I’m excited to connect and get some face to face, six feet away, and do some walk abouts in the hood.

I’ve recently ended the relationship, again, god, I am done with it.

Really.

Done with it.

No more.

Move on.

Move the fuck on.

Be available for something true and sustainable and transparent.

The holidays were tough and I realized I’d compartmentalized a lot of my feelings since reconnecting with my ex, mostly because I so desperately needed human connection, but after opening up Christmas gifts alone I really broke down.

Plus.

That night, Christmas night, an old friend reached out to me from L.A. and asked how crazy would it be if we went on a date.

Holy crap.

That was from left field.

He’s also had some experiences dating women coming out of bad marriages and/or divorces and he pretty much shared that he’d recently turned someone down due to that and how really unavailable they were and it resonated a bit too much.

I teared up.

I divulged some of the ups and downs of the past few years and we commiserated.

He also made a play for me and made it pretty clear he’d like to connect.

Granted we’ve not talked more than ten minutes on the phone since that time and scattered texts, AND, he’s in LA, so long distance and on fire with COVID right now, so not really anything coming of it.

Except.

How much my heart longs for an honest, out in the open, committed monogamous relationship.

It led me to have no contact with my ex for a week–also because I had to study, had to, for my LMFT exam.

That was some crazy.

I grinded for a good week on the studying.

I already had been studying for weeks, six at that time, put in a total of seven, but that last week prior to the test I probably put in about 40 hours of study.

On top of seeing my full client load.

I was bonked.

I turned off my phone.

I deleted Instagram off my phone.

I saw no news.

I had already deactivated Facebook.

It was just me and the study guide from The Therapist Development Center.

And.

It worked!

I passed!

I passed!

I passed!

So freaking grateful.

I took the exam on Wednesday, January 6th, the same time as the idiocy that was breaking out in D.C.

Not that I knew anything.

I was in a box on the fourteenth floor of 201 California Street downtown and had nary a clue what was going on.

Thank goodness.

I mean.

I found out soon thereafter, but I was so foggy brained after taking the four hour exam that not much registered until the next day.

I texted a bunch of folks my news, including my guy, and I thought, after a week of no contact I would get back more than, “Congratulations beautiful.”

But that’s what I got.

And I knew that we were going to end.

And that it was over, yet again.

And that’s ok.

I mean.

I have to forgive myself and accept my messiness and let go of the sadness.

I believe that some part of me thrives on that sadness, or is comforted by it, and all the old story lines of unrequited love and yada, yada, yada.

No more.

Free.

Out to the world.

Masked.

But out.

And writing again.

Not just because of the ending of the relationship, partly yes, but because God’s given me this time that I needed, desperately needed, to work on my PhD study.

I put it way on the back burner to teach Psychodynamic’s at CIIS this fall and then I had myself immersed in my studying for the LMFT exam.

Now that I have finished teaching and am “just” working as a psychotherapist, I am dropping deeply into doing the work necessary to catch up on the time I lost for my study.

Every day I have been doing a little bit.

I just keep telling myself that I have to do a little every day.

And today, I also recognized, as I was combing through some old blogs for data, that I also have to get my writing chops back on.

It’s been a while since I sustained a daily blog practice.

I don’t think that I can do that right now, but I can at least get back into it on a weekly basis.

So.

Pledging to at least sit here and write on Sundays, and any other day that feels sutainable.

Continue working on gathering the study data and keep doing the work to transition from my agency to my own private practice.

I still am 100% on board for defending my dissertation this year.

So.

I have to get the work done.

Have do.

And.

EEK.

I got asked to work at Burning Man.

Holy moly.

I mean, I don’t know if it will actually be able to happen with the pandemic, but that I was asked, also lit a fire under my ass.

I would love to go and be completely free to enjoy it.

So.

Again.

Show up.

Suit up.

And do the next action in front of me.

This is the final push.

I finish this and no more school.

I am so ready for that.

So ready.

Seriously.

Not A God Damn

January 2, 2015

Thing.

Fuck.

I’m not even in pants.

Haven’t gotten dressed.

Haven’t gone outside.

I looked.

It looked nice.

Nope.

Spent most of today in bed, in boyfriendlandia, doing a whole lot of nothing but snuggling, sleeping, and watching East Bound and Down.

Happy New Year.

I slept in until past one p.m.

I am not prone to that much sleep, but a comfortable crook of arm, and a cold nip to the air outside the warmth of the comforter, a day off from work and a late’ish night last night, and I was not inclined to get up and get out.

Oh.

I had my moments.

I always do.

When I think I should be going, doing, being, faster, quicker, go, go.

But really, there is nowhere to go, not today, not much to do, just be mellow, drink some tea, roll around in bed.

I did accomplish a shower.

So, there’s that.

I could review the year, but WordPress already did that for me and in such a way that I felt a smidgen guilty for not being as on point with my blogging as I have been prior to the whole I got a boyfriend thing happened.

Although I have been told by one friend, at least, that my writing has not suffered, that the blog post I have been putting out are decent, if not good, I can go for that.

I do want and need, pretty much to be writing every day, and that has not stopped, I’m still writing all the time, it just doesn’t always show up as a blog.

But believe you me, it’s still going on.

I felt compelled to blog tonight, partially because it’s fun to do it with no pants on, and because I did not do my morning long hand–I was in bed doing the snuggle and sleep thing.

Then there was that other thing.

Then there was making breakfast at 2 p.m.

And then back to bed and like that.

The day is gone.

But it’s not gone and I still have a few things that got to fly out of my fingers and into the ether and I don’t think a moment of reflection on the past year is so out of the question that I couldn’t write about it.

However.

I don’t want to focus on the past, even the near past, I have today and that’s what’s important.

As I look into 2015 there are a few things that I want to accomplish and perhaps that’s what I can look at.

I have a date to keep on the 13th of this month I might be rolling a special day of commemoration.

I also will be getting a new tattoo that same week.

But not until¬†after the 17th, I don’t like jumping the gun.

No fronts man.

I am certain to have some more contact with my family.

Despite the pain and the mingled horror of seeing my father the way he was when I went up to Anchorage, there was also the resolution of an old idea of a relationship that never was and some grief that came out of it was really cathartic.

I grieved a relationship that I never had.

Not just with my father.

But with my reality and with my previous relationships.

I vowed to be more available and open and stand up for intimacy and be needy in ways that make me want to slap that word out of the dictionary.

I have asked for help in places I have balked at for so long that now seeing the things that have come out of them, renewed relationships with my father’s side of the family, a new ability to show up for a romantic relationship (and no it’s not all snuggles and butterflies and rainbows falling out of unicorn butts, but it is real and wonderful for all its humanity), for a new job, and for what I hope will be eventually a new career.

I have graduate school to be applying myself towards and furthering my commitment to myself by continuing to write.

I have places I want to travel too, some near, some far, most in the states, I don’t currently see any out of the states travel, not for another year, I think.

But Yosemite.

Half Dome.

The Grand Canyon.

Big Sur.

I want to see more.

I want to open myself up more to what is in my area and really explore it.

I wouldn’t mind seeing the redwoods again, it’s been a hot second, like over ten years, since I drove up north and saw the big old trees.

I want to see a friend get married.

I want to see a friend have a baby.

Both are in the works.

I want to continue to grow and maybe ride my scooter a little more and my bike and do a good job and be of service to my fellowship and community.

Standard stuff.

My New Year’s Resolutions are not really resolutions.

I already live a day-to-day existence.

That’s not to say that I am living hand to mouth, but rather that each day is a new day, full of possibility, each day is day to give and to give some more and to be of service.

It doesn’t have to be the holiday season, which, really, I am fine with it being over with, it was lovely, now let’s move the fuck on, to do estimable acts.

I have so much to be grateful for.

It doesn’t have to Thanksgiving for me to express gratitude.

It doesn’t have to be Christmas for me to give something to someone.

It doesn’t have to be New Years for me to make the decision to live a better day, a better moment, a better way of life.

I have to constantly enlarge my spiritual life.

And I am ok with that.

See.

I am crazy.

And I know it.

And the things that I do don’t negate the crazy, but they offset it and normalize me and make me useful and that is fabulous.

It’s not to say that the crazy doesn’t surface, it certainly does, but for the most part I feel pretty serene and loved and taken care of and I want to continue to live that kind of life.

I don’t have to resolve to do anything.

I get to do something every day.

Well, except for maybe today, since I really just lounged around all day.

But even that is a kind a growth.

I can hurry up and not do anything.

That can be just as rewarding as all the busy work I do.

And with that.

I’m out and officially into the new year.

Happy.

Happy.

May this be your best year yet.

I’m certain it will be mine.


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