In the last two days I have asked two guys out and let another know I was single.
One guy gave me no response, which is a response, which means no.
The other guy said seeing somebody.
The last guy?
Well.
I don’t know.
He asked me out two years ago.
Right after I had gotten involved with my ex.
God damn.
Two years.
It’s been a minute since I’ve been on the dating scene and I feel like I have no idea how to do it.
A friend asked me about a month ago if I had gone out since my ex and nope.
Actually, he said, “have you got your pussy wet since __________?”
HOLY CRAP.
I yelped and smacked his arm.
Then he said, “give me your phone, there’s got to be someone on here who wants to have sex with you.”
OMG.
I just about died.
Then he did something rather cute, he sent a picture of me to a guy who I acqueised would yes, likely have sex with me, since, well, we’d had a sexual relationship. It had never developed into a dating relationship, but we’d had fun and hooked up a couple times.
My fried sent the photo and a very cute little message and bingo!
Immediate response.
And then he said, “now do it again, next guy.”
It was not a come on message, it was cute, a picture, a how are you, a flirtatiousness.
I wasn’t asking for sex from the second gentleman, but let me tell you, I was thinking about it, since I have had a crush on him forever.
Literally.
Ever since I met him over twelve years ago.
The second gentlemen surprised me with his response, which was that I looked radiant.
Oh.
The first guy?
Meh.
He told me “I’m in an ethical, non-monogamous, kinky, open relationship.”
I told him I was in the Outer Richmond.
Heh.
I knew he wasn’t a dating me kind of man, but perhaps what my friend was saying was hey, get out there, get laid, get over your ex, move on.
So.
I made date with first guy.
Who, in his fashion, ghosted me, and then I remembered, oh, motherfucker, he’d done this once before which was the reason I hadn’t really pursued dating him.
So back to the second guy.
I liked “radiant” as a response.
That felt really good.
So we made a date.
Or so I thought.
It was the date, not date.
Ugh.
He turns out to be in a relationship and us connecting was just old friends getting together to catch up.
Fuck.
I mean.
It was great to see him, but I had aspirations damn it.
I can feel it like the urgency of electricity needing to be grounded.
I need to be kissed.
I need to hold a man’s hand in public.
I need to really be out there dating in the light of day.
I have been in a cave of sorts and I need out.
So.
Yesterday I sent a message via Instagram to a man I have known casually for years, obviously not close enough that we have each other’s phone numbers, but I see him now and again and there’s always a touch of a spark.
But nada.
And then this morning I was like, fuck it, reach out to ______________.
Who was excited to hear from me and then I made it quite explicit, I’m asking you out on a date.
And.
Nada.
He’s in a relationship, but said let’s still go dancing.
Maybe.
But want to dance with a man who wants to be with me.
Romantically.
And I think I just upped my game a tiny bit more.
I FB messaged a guy who asked me out two years ago and since I don’t want to play games on FB I just popped his number into my phone and sent a text message.
I want to argue my limitations without having the experience of connecting with him and I sense that gets me into trouble.
He’s an East Bay boy and I have argued my way from reaching out since, like, um the bridge is a major obstacle.
But you know what else is a major fucking obstacle?
Dating unavailable men!
So no more of that shit.
And fuck timing.
And fuck not being good enough.
Have you seen me recently?
I am kicking major fucking ass, I look good, I’m working on a PhD, I’ve got a burgeoning private practice therapy business, I live by myself (that’s a big deal in San Francisco since the rents are ridiculous everyone has room mates), I have a car.
I am the bomb.
Fuck.
And I’m busy.
I won’t lie, it’s not like I get to socialize a whole lot, but I have to be putting it out there, I have to take some actions.
I don’t know what will stick.
But I sense something will.
And I will allow myself to be vulnerable enough to date a man who is actually available to be dating.
Because I am so worth it.
I really am.
And now.
It’s time to let myself let go of what happens next.
I put it out there and what ever comes back is not up to me.
But.
I will keep putting it out there.
It’s time.
It really is my time.
I can feel it.
He’s just over there, all I have to do is shift my perspective.
He’s is there.
And I’m available.
Auntiebubba 