Posts Tagged ‘nope’

Wanted Woman

April 5, 2017

I got a text today after coming out of my second therapy session, went great, thanks, in regards to some services that someone wanted.

Specifically.

My former employer wanted to know if I could be available to cook for them every few Sundays.

Um.

Uh.

No.

Then my head was like, but it would be great to see the boys and I could make some extra money, and…

Fuck off head.

You are not working on your day off.

NO.

NOPE.

Not going to do it, there really is nothing that I could ask for that would compensate me enough to go into work on a Sunday.

I work 35 hours a week.

Go to graduate school full-time.

Meet with three people on a weekly basis for doing the deal.

Go to do the deal 6-7 times a week.

Plus.

In May I’ll star an internship that will be an additional 15 hours.

May is next month.

The last thing I want to do is spoil the few remaining Sundays I do have off.

And when my internship starts, I will only have Sundays off.

For a year.

One day off a week.

That’s it.

I’m not going to go to my former bosses house and make food.

Not going to do it.

Just saying.

Although, truth be told, I was hella flattered.

It’s nice to know that you are wanted.

I have actually said no a lot lately.

No to some baby sitting gigs.

Two specifically that come to mind, no to this idea of working on my day off and cooking.

No, thank you for thinking of me, but no.

Funny thing too, is how often I get this, “I know you’re busy, I know this is a long shot, but….”

Yup.

I am busy.

And yes, it is a long shot, and nope, still can’t do it.

I have also been asked by three different people to read their writing.

I know I write a blog every day and I write morning pages and I want to be able to read every thing that is sent to me, because that’s what good writers do, they also read, but I’ve got so much reading for school I haven’t even touched the two pieces that were sent to me an there’s a third heading towards my mailbox.

Maybe I’ll read them next year.

Bwahahahaha.

What I am recognizing though, is that I am sought after for my skills and as such, I’m really flattered, it’s nice to be thought of, it’s nice that people want me to weigh in on their writing.

I believe it means that folks think I might have some skills and something to offer.

I was asked last week about writing a blog and what tips I had.

I gave loads of tips.

But basically it comes down to, just write it.

Sit down.

Do the work.

There is, however, only so much work I can do, and as I am on day 9 in a row of working with out a day off, I might have an idea of how precious my time off is.

I have two days coming up, April 10th and 11th, next Monday and Tuesday.

I have to get through two more days of work and three days of school.

Then.

Freedom.

I couldn’t fathom picking up more work right now.

There was a time when I would have, the allure of the extra money is big, but really, I want to have a full rounded life.

I want to have some fun and I want to have a tiny little bit of social life.

I also want to have rest and I want to be able to do yoga.

I have to keep tabs on myself and my self-care, I can’t show up to work or school or my soon to be happening internship if I’m not taking care of myself.

It’s an ethical issue.

It really is.

So I was proud of myself for saying I was unavailable.

I responded with kindness and acumen.

I was nice, I’m saying.

And that felt good too.

People will ask for what they want, and they’re allowed to ask, but I don’t have to people please and say yes to everything that is offered.

I believe that something better than money will happen for me on my Sunday if I’m not busy literally slaving over a hot stove.

God wants more for me than that.

Dating.

Friends.

Life.

Adventures.

Rest.

Recuperation.

All the things.

Not cooking all the things.

Anyway.

I am looking forward to school this weekend, even though my school days are long days, longer than my work days, they are days filled with thinking and showing up and learning and friends.

I am really excited to see my friends.

I have missed them.

I have some catching up to do.

Yes, I do.

The only thing I get bummed about, who would have thought it, is missing yoga on Saturday and Sunday.

Although I may try to sneak in a restorative yoga class Sunday after I get out of classes.

That is a good possibility.

I’m sad to miss my favorite teachers class on Saturday, but so be it.

As long as I can try to get into a Monday class in the morning, I will be making up for the loss of class on Saturday.

I get a head of myself

Let me stay in this week, where, yes, it is full, but there’s wiggle room here and there.

A coffee with a friend.

Catching up with my fellows tomorrow night.

Wrapping up the last bits and pieces of my school preparations.

Doing a little laundry.

And yes.

Chilling out a bit.

Like right now.

A cup of tea.

A video.

A snack.

And bed.

Sounds just about perfect.

No more cooking today.

No soup for you!

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Monday, We Meet Again

April 26, 2016

I was supposed to have a date tonight, but he cancelled.

Which is fine.

I have another date this weekend and I feel like it’s a good match, helps that he does not drink or smoke, helps a hell of a lot.

Plus we’ve had a few conversations and we facetimed today.

I look better on Face Time than I thought.

“Did you wear that lipgloss for the call?” He asked eyes all a sparkle.

Um, ha.

No.

I am just that kind of gal, I have at least six or seven lip glosses in my bag, if not one or two more, I like my lips you know, um, shiny.

Heh.

Or sparkly, depends on the outfit.

My hair was pretty on point too, which has been fun, rocking the blonde curly like nobody’s business.

I only had so much time this morning to chat before getting my Monday the hell on.

I got up did my morning routine, breakfast, writing, a few pages of reading for school, and then off to yoga, back to the house, laundry, shower, dress, make up, Face Time, and then off to work.

Monday, Monday, Monday.

And that much closer to the next big move that I need to do for the school work thing.

I got another bit of homework done yesterday, actually, getting my Applied Spirituality posting up and doing the two responses needed for the class.

Now it’s a big push of reading of the week.

I plan on getting up early tomorrow and getting in an extra hour of reading.

I had some thoughts about getting to yoga, but I just did three days in a row, and I think a break for a day is not a bad idea.

Although.

I am very happy to report that I can feel myself getting better at things, and stronger, and feeling more and more in my body, which I am really enjoying.

My arms are getting cut, not that you can tell, but, man,  I can.

My core is also getting a lot tighter and leaner and though I am uncertain if I have lost any weight, which was not the goal of taking the classes, but I feel lighter, and that’s just nice.

Yeah.

So this week will be work, work out, work it, homework.

Then I can have some fun on Saturday.

“Work on your paper tonight!” My suitor for Saturday quipped, “so you don’t have to be worried about it on the weekend.”

I laughed.

Um.

No.

I have already done so much work today that once I am done with this blog I am going to watch the final episode of this season’s House of Cards and chill the fuck out.

“Nope,” I replied, “I’ve already done a lot of work today and I’ve got a plan, don’t worry, I’ll be present and accountable for the date.”

Which is true.

It’s one that I am looking forward to.

Unlike yesterday’s meet up, this feels pretty right on.

It’s looking like a hike around Sutro Baths and then maybe a little picnic action down at the beach.

“I want to see your freckles in the sunshine,” he said to me.

Blushing.

I forget I have freckles, but one of my photos on the dating app is of me either at Burning Man and when I get sun on my face, I get freckles.

I have a few now, but not that many.

However.

I don’t believe he’ll be disappointed.

And if he is.

Well.

Next.

I’m actually getting into this dating thing.

It seems to be gathering it’s own steam, I’ve been pretty solidly going on dates, some bad, oh so bad, some good, one great, for the last month and a half.

I mean I’ve had a date once, if not twice a week for the last six weeks or so.

Not bad.

I’m also seeing that it is really a huge numbers game.

As a friend texted me, “you’ve inspired me to go back to Tinder, but my God, all the ‘nopes’ so many.”

Seriously.

I almost never hit a match.

I’ve nixed hundreds of guys.

If I see you like small batch whiskey, nope.

Pictures of you and kids, nope.

Although I have a date with a divorced dad for this Saturday, his kid wasn’t in the profile, which I find reassuring, I don’t want to see kids on a dating sex aimed at hooking up, it’s just, I don’t know, unseemly.

Cigarette in your mouth.

Nope.

You and another woman?

Nope.

Likes red wine? Nope.  Likes going to wineries? Nope.  Attending school of hard knocks, no and no thank you.  Photo of your cute dog instead of yourself?  NOPE.

Blurry photo, no photo, old photo, no, not going there, nope.

Fish lips?

REALLY?

I thought only girls made the pouty lip thing in photos, but I have seen more than a few profiles with the big pouty mouth thing happening and it’s a bit unattractive.

No face shot, just a body photo?

Nope.

There sure are a lot of them.

The “nopes.”

However, just from using it enough, not obsessively, thanks, but enough, I have managed to match with about 50 guys.

Some of them became “nopes” after a few messages.

A couple of them I unmatched after some thought and realizing that I probably don’t want to go down that road.

And of the fifty of them, or so, I have had six dates.

One that was scary and creepy and ended with me blocking him on all social media and my phone.

Two that were just sort of not a match in real life and no chemistry.

One that was uncomfortable.

One that was good and we had some fun.

And one that was fucking amazing and we had a great time.

The last one we’ve texted a few times since and were supposed to hang out this past weekend but he got really sick, who knows, maybe something will happen further but I’m not too concerned, if it does, awesome.

The chemistry was great fun.

I’m hoping that Saturday’s date will be lucky number 7.

I have a good feeling about it and I think I’ll be trusting my gut on this one.

Until then.

The work, the working out, the homework, the doing the deal work.

You know.

Life.

Living.

Grateful for my full, abundant, happy, exuberant life.

It’s pretty damn good.

Seriously.

I am wanting for nothing.

I have so very much.

Luckiest girl in the world.

 

Open Mouth

April 16, 2016

Insert foot.

Oh goodness.

Sometimes I just open my mouth and the stuff that falls out.

Heh.

Oh well.

I was told by a gentleman tonight that he would be traveling in Europe for the next three months, in case I missed seeing him around, not to worry.

I replied, “I find you so disarmingly attractive that I am almost grateful for the reprieve.”

Jesus, Carmen.

He’s like um, a child.

I think.

I am going to guess he’s about 15 years my junior, but my, so very pretty.

Oh, all the pretty boys, they do, well, do me in.

I also explained to a girlfriend who had asked after me when noticing I was a bit in a fluster that I was also ovulating.

Happened this morning.

Should have known when I woke late in the night to use the bathroom and I saw the moon setting blood red over the sea.

Just a little reminder that I am human, and a woman at that.

I am grateful for this body, even when it doesn’t act like I want or look like I think it should.

Which reminds me.

Go sign up for the 9 a.m. yoga class at Yoga Beach.

That’s the only time I have to do yoga tomorrow.

I have to meet my person in the Inner Sunset, do the deal, then hop over the Bay to a friend’s house in North Berkeley for her baby’s first year birthday.

Hard to believe it’s been a year since I went and visited her and the proud papa at the hospital with their gorgeous new born.

So grateful to get to take the time out of my schedule to see some friends and snuggle some babies.

I got some damn good snuggles from the boys I work with today, which sort of saved me.

I have had a few moments this past week wondering if it just might not be easier for me to work for a family that doesn’t work from home.

Sometimes I miss my days of autonomy and going to the park on my schedule and not being monitored.

But then I get the best love from the boys and it fades, the desire to look elsewhere for work (although damn, I do miss working with babies) with kids that still take naps and parents that don’t work from home, and I get the biggest hugs and melt.

I mean, I just melted a couple of times today with these boys.

First, at the park, the eldest laid down on the bench next to me and pillowed his head on my lap, and proceeded to tell me that he wasn’t hungry.

In fact.

His exact words were, “Carmen, you’re the best.”

Pause.

“I don’t need snacks, I just need snuggles.”

And then he just cuddled against me and we sat and watched the pigeons try to sneak up on the graham cracker crumbs from his brother’s snack.

And.

Tonight, as I was going to leave, the youngest, galloping out of the kitchen, arms wide open, “Carmen, I love you, I will miss you, I love you, pick me.”

“Of course I will pick you,” and I scooped him up and pressed him tight to my heart.

He laid his head in the nook of my neck and just stayed there.

We had the longest hug, he just didn’t want to let me go.

I left with my heart so full of love.

It was a good day.

Still a little challenging.

There was another play date and it too ran over, but there was more direction in the day and I was able to get a decent break and sit down and chill out for a few minutes before the onslaught began again.

I was done by six and scootered over to Church and Market.

I had plans.

All of them waylaid.

I was going to go grocery shopping.

But sometimes, I swear, Whole Foods, it was too much, too much money, too much attitude, too many people sampling things and frankly, the produce actually looked bad.

I said, screw this.

I left.

I went to get a manicure.

The salon was packed and couldn’t take me.

Ugh.

I wandered around Aardvark Books then went over to the Church Street Cafe and had a tea.

I sat in the big leather chair in the window and daydreamed.

It was good to just sit for an hour and tool around on my phone, no good Tinder updates, sorry, although I have to say sometimes I do wonder about the profiles, dude you are not 35, and if you are, you need to see a doctor because you are aging really poorly.

It’s mostly, nope, nope, nope, oh hell no.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Maybe.

Um nope, good first photo, second one pretty scary.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Oh, you’re cute.

Oh, wait, too many photos of you drinking, or smoking or 420’ing.

And I will ultimately “nope” you if I see the following: women in the photo–either you want to get down with me and your girlfriend or you’re too lazy to post a photo without your ex-girlfriend in it; kids, unless specified that I am cool Uncle “Jake” or some such thing, I don’t feel good about guys putting photos of the kids on a dating website that’s geared toward pretty fast hooking up, I mean, ok, use your cute dog–god damn that is a cute dog! But don’t use your kid to troll, um, gross.

Obvious lying about age, smoking cigarettes, posting in your profile that you really like to drink, yeah, it’s obvious, most guys under a certain age (although that didn’t stop me tonight, blush, blush, blushing), and every once in a while there will be a guy I know that I go, hey, yeah, I have always liked you.

But.

Inevitably I get either a. no response b. a jackass’ery response and a bad joke (are you serious?) c. an “I’m just on here for fun.”

What the fuck does that mean?

Whatever.

Next.

So this is all to say I don’t have any dates lined up for the weekend.

I do have friend time, yoga time, recovery time, and me time.

I’ll take it with much gratitude.

And fingers crossed, I’ll sneak in a manicure too.

Whatever happens, homework anyone, I will have fun.

Be light.

Be flexible.

Be loving.

Be.

Well.

Beloved.

 

 


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