Holding Out

But not being stupid about it.

I have been looking for a ride share to Burning Man.

Everyone I know is going early, either in really early like they’re there now, or pretty much leaving prior to the start of the event since they will be helping build the city.

I love that I know so many folks who are such integral parts to the event.

I feel pretty lucky to know them.

And I am also damn lucky to be in my last year of my Masters of Counseling Psychology program, but it does throw a monkey wrench in my getting to the playa.

As it has done every year that I have been in school.

Last year I had to go up early and leave early.

But.

I got to go.

The previous year it was a similar situation, except that I was going to be coming back and rolling straight into school.

I went up with the family I was working for and came back with a playa boyfriend, the first time that every happened, who lasted all of two dates off playa, but hey, we had fun.

I remember looking at him and knowing, shit, I’m going to be “that girl he met at Burning Man.”

He’s never gone back to the event and he found a “real girlfriend” in the real world.

I don’t expect to find the love of my life out at the event, there was a time, and too fucking many of them, when I had this stupid idea that the one was out there.

The one is here.

I don’t need to go traipsing out in the desert to find the one, I am the one.

Fuck.

I remember when I realized that too, and yes, I was out in deep playa having a spiritual moment with the sky.

My favorite color.

The playa at sunset, the deepest midnight blue that fades into indigo violet and then a push of pink right at the edge of it all.

I have taken so many photographs of the playa at sunset, I can never quite do justice to the beauty of the sky with my words, but once in a while I do catch a glimmer of that bliss in the photos I have taken.

So.

Yeah.

This year my first weekend of classes is the 25th, 26th, and 27th.

The event opens at 12a.m. on the 27th.

Which means that everybody who isn’t already there, most of the people I know will already be there, will be queued up to get in as they open the gates Sunday “morning” at 12:01 a.m.

Me.

Nope.

I’ll still be in the city.

I have my last class on Sunday and it ends at noon.

I already have contemplated skipping it and maybe that happens.

But I can’t skip the whole weekend and I certainly can’t skip supervision for my internship that week either.

I can the week following and I will, by that time I will definitely be on playa.

So.

I won’t be able to leave San Francisco until 1p.m. on Sunday.

If I can get a ride.

If I can wrangle that up.

If not I’ll be leaving a little later than 1 p.m.

If I don’t find a ride, and believe you me, I am fucking trying I have been asking around since I found out I had been awarded the low-income ticket, so for months, I will be renting a car.

I have reserved a car at SFO.

I really don’t want to have to rent a car, first I’ll have to leave a gigantic deposit since I don’t have a credit card and then, well, there is the whole deal of driving it to Burning Man.

I’ll have to get it washed and very likely detailed.

I will probably lose all or most of my deposit.

Making it an $800 expenditure instead of a $384 expenditure.

That’s what I got the rental reserved for.

I have been hedging my bets that I would have to rent, and I have been putting aside little bits and pieces of money into my savings account so if I do have to rent the car I will transfer $1500 out of my savings three days before the rental happens, so basically the Thursday night before I start classes.

I have an online savings account, it takes three days to land in my regular bank account.

I will probably also have to move a bit more out than that as I won’t be getting a paycheck for my time off to go to Burning Man.

Which is fine, and that’s why I have a second savings account, also through the same online bank, which is my prudent reserve.

It’s rent and utilities and food for a month.

Eventually, one day I hope to have rent and food and utilities for at least three months, but you know, I start small and work my way there.

Ultimately I want a year’s prudent reserve.

But.

I tend not to go to that heavy into that particular savings account because all my other savings are earmarked for travel.

I would rather have travel than not have travel.

For instance I got paid today, yay, Friday!

And I put $68.24 into my savings.

$60 for travel and $8.24 for prudent reserve.

I know, its a silly system, but it’s my system and it works for me.

That being said, I can afford to eat up a lot of that travel money in savings for the event should I need to.

God.

I don’t want to.

But.

At this point I am pretty damn invested in going.

Plus.

It’s year 11.

Plus.

It’s Shadrach’s ten-year anniversary and I really need to be out there and have my own quiet time with him in the deep playa unload my heart, tell him how things have been, let him know I’ve been practicing being the ball.

It’s nice to be the ball.

And.

Well.

Fuck.

I have a ticket and I want to go.

I want to see friends I only see there, friends from Canada, London, Paris, friends from New York, Los Angeles, Seattle, friends from Toronto and Australia, shit friends from Alameda who you think I would see more often, but I end up almost only seeing out there.

So.

I am going.

And yes, I don’t want to rent the car but it’s a fall back, a net, if I have to, I will.

I haven’t paid anything for it, it’s reserved under my name, but I have the option to cancel at any time should I find a ride elsewhere.

Know anyone?

SERIOUSLY.

Let me know.

I’ll just be hanging out over here haunting the ride share board.

Ha.

Opt Out

I was going to go out tonight, not like crazy out, just out to dinner with the folks after doing the deal.

But.

I decided to come home, cook dinner here, and get the rest of my things organized.

I have a load of school work to handle in the next few weeks.

I was able to organize some friends of mine to help me re-do the Couples Therapy dyad that I did at school last weekend but somehow failed to get a proper recording.

I will be taking care of that tomorrow, making sure that the recording is doing just that, recording, and then I have a paper to write.

I will most likely do the Couples Therapy paper first.

It is the first that is due.

And, of course, rain is in the forecast for tomorrow, so no scooter.

I will need to MUNI or take a car to meet my people up at Firewood Cafe tomorrow, I don’t really care though, I am just so happy that I was able to get a couple of people to help me.

It has been a little stress that I can now put behind me, get the session recorded and then get on with the paper.

I did realize the day before yesterday too, that my Trauma class still has some reading due for the next weekend of classes.

So.

I may just use the MUNI train rides as an opportunity to be sitting still in one place and doing the reading.

I did manage to get a chapter read of the material in between my job and doing the deal on Friday, but I have some more to do.

I think I may actually be able to knock it out by the time I do all the MUNI train rides.

I may also say fuck that and just take a car share.

I’m not too anxious, but I have to focus on getting the work done, I have to.

I only have a few weeks to do it and I want to be staying on top of it.

I basically have to write a paper each weekend, starting tomorrow, one per weekend up until the last weekend of classes.

I was joking with a friend today that it makes absolutely no sense to me to go to the last weekend of classes, since all my papers will be due the first day of classes, what’s the point of doing the full three days?

I mean.

Seriously.

I already know I will go and participate, mostly because I just really love my cohort and I have gotten really close to a few of my friends there.

I get to have a slumber party with one of my girl friends who’s going to stay over night at my place the Thursday night before classes so we can spend time together.

It’s super nice to have that.

And.

Sometimes I also have to take me time.

I had a few other things I opted out of doing today and though I miss the people and the friends, I really needed to do some self-care.

I went to yoga this morning.

I met with a ladybug and did the deal.

I went grocery shopping and made plans for what I will cook tomorrow.

I mean, a paper calls for me to make soup.

I am going to try something new tomorrow–hot and sour soup with shrimp, bok choy, carrots, hen of the wood mushrooms, crimini mushrooms, and tofu.

I had a bowl of really good hot and sour soup last weekend at an anniversary dinner for a friend and I realized, I can make this!

And so, I’m going to try.

I am actually pretty damn pleased with the stuff in my pantry right now.

Healthy, clean, lots of veggies and fruit, top grade high-end espresso, unsweetened coconut milk, organic tea.

Yeah.

It’s looking good.

Once I busted out the shopping I also busted out the laundry and cleaned up my closet.

I got a bag of stuff to sell, which became a bag of stuff to donate.

I only sold two of the articles of clothing, which happens sometimes, but I ran the rest of the stuff over to Good Will and happily made a donation.

It felt good to clear some space and tidy up my stuff.

I also took a dress to get altered that I ordered a while back, but the bodice is wonky on it, everything else fits perfect, but the bodice was actually too big.

Which is hella unusual.

I wear a 38 D.

Anyway, super happy I took care of that errand.

And.

Yes.

Finally.

I got a god damn mani/pedi and my eyebrows waxed.

I can always tell how busy I am by the state of my nails.

I was just too busy the last three weeks to attend to them, I didn’t have a speck of time to deal with them, two year previous, when I wasn’t in school, I was pretty on point, every week a manicure, every three weeks a mani/pedi/eye brow wax.

Now.

I’m like, oh my god, what just happened to my eyebrows and what the fuck are my nails doing.

If I get in once a month it’s a big fucking deal.

Plus it’s a time suck.

I mean.

I love my girl time.

But to take two hours, sometimes two and a half, depending on how busy the salon is, is a huge amount of luxury time.

I missed seeing a friend who came into the city, but I really needed my self-care, I needed to do my things and I’m ok with it.

It’s finding a balance.

I don’t always do it well, but I try, I give it a persistent, concerted effort.

I talked to another friend on the phone and we’re going to try to get together sometime soon as well.

Ugh.

It’s hard.

Another reason for opting out tonight was the person I was supposed to meet up with at the 7p.m. deal, called and cancelled last-minute, a close friend had to go and put down her dog.

So.

I had not much pull to go to dinner, then I thought, well, this might be good, get home, get your alarm set for an early start, get your stuff organized, and go to bed early.

I mean.

Not super early.

But earlier than I would have had I gone out to dinner, fact is, I’d still be out right now, I’m grateful that I chose this, I will choose socializing again, I promise.

I will catch up with friends.

I will.

I won’t always opt out.

I opted out of a date for tomorrow night.

Oh.

Did you catch that.

Yes.

I opted out of a date because I have to write this paper.

But.

There is a date still happening.

Another night this week when I have a tiny bit of breathing space after doing work and speaking at the spot, so we’re going to go grab a bite Thursday.

Yeah.

Heh.

I got the phone call back.

And I was right.

There is a connection.

And there was a good reason why the return call took the time it did.

Not to get into details, but it made sense and I’m intrigued to see what happens.

But that’s neither here nor there, focusing on right now.

A brief respite and a cup of tea.

The final push for the semester starts very.

Very.

Very.

Soon.

Like in less than twelve hours.

Here we go.

See you on the other side.

Night y’all.

Sweet dreams and all that.

Sugar cube.

Jazz.

You Got Options Kid

I told him today as I discouraged him from trying to do another act of willful self-immolation.

I am sure he has absolutely no idea that all I want to do is keep him safe, but he is sure about this much, he has to go, try, find, do, and fall over, and then get up and try it again.

It was really awesome to have a rain day.

Though, that was not my first thought when heading out for work.

Work for me is so much easier when I can be outside.

The walking, the exercise of being out and about pushing the stroller, pushing the swings, lifting a toddler up to a slide, exploring, breathing the fresh air, it’s a balm to me.

However, once in a while the fates intervene and I am granted a day inside where the most amazing things happen.

First, my one year old signed “please” today when I was holding him.

His first please!

He has used other signs with me, pointing out what he wants, and the sign for “more” but this was the first time he used please to ask for something and that just made my morning.

That and he gave me my first mouth kiss.

That sounds weird, but the first baby kisses aren’t done with a closed mouth, they sort of form a little “o” with their mouths and lean in on your face or mouth.

I knew what he was doing and was so thrilled.

It is easy to misconstrue it with getting bitten, but it was a kiss.

He can blow kisses too, and wave hello and bye-bye.

He was just a peach today.

Even when he was trying to climb up everything he could get his hands on.

And my other charge was so sweet as well, I didn’t even have a thought in my head about the rain, other than it was nice to listen to some jazz with the boys while the rain pelted down.

I gave myself plenty of time to get to work, charged up my rechargeable bike lights, put my rain fender over my rear wheel, and wore layers and stowed my glasses in their case.

I find nothing more frustrating riding then foggy, wet, blurry glasses.

I went slow and am grateful for it.

Drivers be crazy when it’s wet.

I pulled in fairly soaked, but the nice thing about riding to a nanny gig verses an office gig, is that there’s a dryer where I work.

In fact, I washed all my outer layers and my messenger bag, it had gotten some road grime on it, before sending them off to dry.

I had enough layers on that I was quite content in the house without the ones that I had tossed to the laundry.

I made a cup of Earl Grey tea and got ready for the day.

There was lots of story time.

I think I must have read ten or eleven books to my eldest charge while the little one was busy pulling apart legos.

There is something so cheering about sitting in a rocking chair with a small, warm body in your lap, reading Tara Gomi and Little Hoot and Little Pea and the Sandra Boynton board books, while the rain falls outside the window and the sound of the cars driving through the rain sluices against my eardrums.

My main concern was how to navigate nap time, since the routine of late has been a walk to the park where the youngest sacks out for about 45 minutes and my older boy plays in the sand box or on the equipment.

Going for a walk was not an option today.

I had other options though, which were sweet and full of kind grace and a sort of magic that makes my job so amazing and fulfilling that I feel gifted to be able to do the work.

The little one went down with nary a peep and I put him into the crib in the older boys bedroom and went downstairs with my big boy and we had a little snack and talked about he cats and watched the buses and garbage trucks go by.

Wednesday’s in the neighborhood are great for the watching of garbage trucks.

I haven’t met a little boy yet that doesn’t adore the garbage truck and all the machinations thereof.

He wanted to sit in my lap and I just naturally sank into an arm-chair next to the window and snuggled him right up.  There was a throw blanket over the chair and I wrapped that over both our laps and though there were no children’s books to be had, there were catalogues.

He’s a big fan of William’s Sonoma.

We talked teapots and cups and spatulas, cake plates, and Easter bunny baskets, and throw pillows, we had a conversation about the Vitamix and his mama’s homemade smoothies, I pointed out to him the things that were a match for his own little tiny kitchen play area.

I was slowly flipping to the last page of the catalogue when I heard a little snort.

His eyelids were slowly closing and the long lashes drifted down the plump apples of his cheeks and he had started snoring softly.

Oh goodness.

I just sat for  a moment with that weight of toddler in my arms, in my lap, pressed against the panes of my heart and felt glad with all my being to be trusted to do something of this nature for my work.

I get to do this.

To have the complete trust of a child is an awesome and powerful thing.

Nothing says I trust you so much as falling asleep in another’s arms.

Or I love you.

I got a few of those today too.

And.

Oh.

Yes.

I got the other baby to go down for a second nap (which he normally does, but had not at all this week prior for me) when the eldest boys mama returned home to work out of the office and took over her son for the rest of the day I was there.

I swaddled him up in a Snugli (it’s like a Baby Bjorn, basically a carrier) and sang songs to him and then just rocked and hummed along my own little nanny tune.

Sometimes I hum this same little snatch of rhythm to myself if I am in need of a brief moment of comfort.

Hell, if it works to soothe a baby, it’s going to work for me.

He struggled for a minute or two, so much to see and do and go and climb, but I as I sang him another little snatch of melody, I reminded him that he had options.

Me or the crib.

Or no nap at all.

I forget that.

I have options too.

I may struggle and be distracted by the things in my periphery and I may not want to do that contrary action that is requested.

But oh, when I do.

The simple bliss of surrender.

He snuffled a sigh at me, settled his head on my shoulder, batted his eyelashes over the coco brown of his eyes and fell asleep.

I sat for a little while in the rocking chair.

Having nothing to say.

Nowhere to go.

Nothing to fix.

And fully aware that today I have options.

Surrendering has never looked so good.

 

 

Do I Stay?

Or do I go?

I just got back from the burn, where I was live, front and center, nothing between me and the man except a fire fighter in silver suit.

I was gifted an inner circle pass today.

Mom and I bundled up the baby in a little fur bear suit and walked out the 9 o’clock keyhole to the event.  She ended up leaving early, the baby was not taking well to being out late and with the noise and the constant attention being paid him was getting frustrated.

I however, was allowed to stay out.

And stay I did.

I did have a moment when I ducked behind my friend when a gas bomb went off within the base, but I held it out to the end and for the second year in a row, I actually ran around the fire with the crowd.

I also watched three fire fighter body check a runner to the ground and the entire group standing by applauded.

This was probably my favorite burn of the seven burns I have attended.

I loved the base, despite never actually getting a chance to go explore it before they closed it off. And it went up so beautifully.  I will be hoarse tomorrow from hollering my lungs out with glee.

And the fire works were fan-fucking-tastic.

I have not ever been down to the Aquatic Park in San Francisco for Fourth of July.

I don’t need to.

I get my dose of fireworks and heat tornadoes out here.

Fourth of July, even a good one like San Fran’s, pales in comparison.

The question is now this–do I go back out there?

There are still some art pieces I have not seen.

And I have a golf cart.

That in and of itself any other year would have had me flying out the door in a hot second, there would have been no question.

However, I have another week out here to nanny.

Do I break myself tonight?

I lost my shit yesterday from lack of sleep and hungry and lonely, do I get to that point again?

Then again, how many times is the man going to burn and how many times will I have a radio, a set of keys to a cart, and a safe place to crash-land when I get back?

I am tempted to just go out for an hour, take some photos and end up at the Flaming Lotus Girls piece, Xylophage, I have been out to it three times and each time it has been magical.

And there’s nothing like getting back to camp being blissed out from the heat and the relaxation of sitting in one place.

Plus, it is really good people watching and there will be some great people watching tonight.

I did get a good nap in today and I did meet up with some fellows, so I feel pretty grounded, but I did not have the best dinner.

The commissary closed early so that folks could go out to the burn, and I did not make it on time.

Dinner tonight was a 1/2 plate of raw broccoli with sunflower seeds (only thing left on the salad bar), a handful of peanuts and two apples.

And there will be no breakfast tomorrow–brunch, yes–but no food served until 10 a.m.

Dad has off tomorrow and mom is home now with the baby asleep and from what I can recall of our conversations, she is also off.

The pros feel like they are out weighing the cons.

I am drawn to the spectacle.

I don’t want to get crazy.

I don’t really feel like dancing.

I did get my groove on earlier when the mom came back and did some work from the trailer, I got an unexpected hour and a half to myself while the baby took his first nap of the day.

I wandered out and went to an ecstatic dance scene and shook my hips for a hot half hour.

That was just about perfect.

So, this would be to go out, because I can, and see a little more art before the event closes and the playa packs up its bags and goes back to the world, leaving a lot more moop then I have ever seen before out here, and an empty space to ride my bicycle around.

I have actually never stayed as long as we are going to.

Last year I left before Temple Burn.

Same with the year before.

I am usually in San Francisco Labor Day.

Hot, tired, dusty, a bit bent back and broken, but serviceable after a few days of bathing and multiple loads of laundry.

This year?

Well, mama’s still got six days to go, and a full week before I get back to S.F.

And who knows what will happen then.

That’s actually more of a mind fuck then anything else.

I can’t focus on doing any sort of planning for the move, I can barely see into what tomorrow will be like, let alone next week, or scheduling a move.

My friend tonight said, you’ve got peeps, it will all work out.

True that.

So, there’s nothing to be concerned about.

All I need to do, is take a moment to drink this cup of tea and ask the gods that be, what do you want me to do?

Give me a sign yo.