The Disruption of Love

Astonishing this renaming of myself.

As the magic man comes to me.

Leading me.

Leaning into me.

Learning me this new language of passion.

Fledgling on this path of unknown sometimes I startle.

A deer in the woods.

A flock of starlings rise in my heart.

Murmurations of love painted across the sunset sky.

Your face in the light.

Center of my attention.

The planes of your cheekbones.

The shape of your eyes.

Curvature of your lips, the smiles dancing there

A minuet of Mozart.

Slain back, surrendered to you, all distance

Drops, shatters, soft, like petals falling from the shaking boughs

Of apple trees.

Caught and cradled.

Through sunrise.

Moonset.

Feathering kisses across my face

Summoning me into velvet darkness where

Stars splatter with spangles of bright desire.

Astonished by you.

Conjured,

I lay myself before you.

Heart splayed and open

Beating like the wings of the birds flashing against

That burgeoning dusk.

Creating patterns of mystery I never

Knew

Abided within me.

I rise then.

Kissed alive.

Anew.

Graced.

 

By you.

Let Go

Move the fuck on.

“Block his number,” my person said succinctly and to the point.

HOLY FUCK.

I had not thought of that.

Then I thought.

Shit.

That’s the right thing to do.

I just unfriended as well off social media and each small step was a little moving in the right direction.

There’s nothing wrong with the guy, fyi, in case you’re wondering.

What’s wrong or perhaps not quite right, or perhaps better yet, what wasn’t working for me, is that I was falling into the same stupid trap again.

Better to let go the person and move the fuck on.

I don’t do myself or anyone else a service when I’m up in fantasy land.

And it wasn’t that good, I remind myself.

No.

It wasn’t bad either, it just didn’t serve, it wasn’t good for me, it didn’t fulfill my heart, I was left wanting a lot more and wanting more from a person who is not capable of offering more is something that I do and I have often crumpled in the face of change, when oh, that rut is so comfy and I know it so well.

And.

Didn’t you see?

I just redecorated and got a new couch for the space.

Fuck me.

I expressed to my person today that I was actually relieved that the guy I was supposed to spend time with last night cancelled.

But in a twist I wasn’t expecting my person added, you deserve to be respected, block his number.

What?

You mean I deserve the time of day, the respect of my schedule, that my needs are important.

Stop the fucking presses.

Yes.

Of course.

And if I don’t step up to that it’s my own damn fault.

So rather than fall down that hole again, Alice decided to take the elevator up to the top of the hill and look around.

See what she can see.

I see yoga in my future.

Signed up for a class tomorrow.

Went today.

Hella stiff and sore and snaggle toothed and old, man I just felt stupid and old.

Then, as I relaxed a little, I did think to myself, lady pants you sat in a desk chair at school for 29 hours, of course your body is out of whack, and you didn’t get more than five or six, max, and I do mean max, hours of sleep for the last four nights.

Give yourself a break and be happy you showed up to the mat.

Expectations always do take me down.

They just lead to resentment.

And a life lived on resentment is not one I wish to have.

Nope.

This lady is all about happy and fun.

Let me repeat that.

Happy.

And.

Fun.

Fun does not need to be roller coasters.

Fun can be writing Christmas cards or sending packages in the mail.

I got my oldest niece her gift today, I saw it last week at Rainbow and was quite taken with it, granted it was more expensive than I had planned on spending, art supplies, but, fuck, I just knew it when I saw it, had her name written all over it.

So.

I got it.

And then I mailed her card and my mom’s Christmas package and my sister’s too, which included a few things for my youngest niece.

It really felt so sweet and good to put their packages in the mail.

I feel blessed that I can send them gifts.

It wasn’t always that way and there were years and lapses in time that I didn’t send my family gifts.

It feels right to make up for that now and to continue fostering connections.

Even if it’s just a card in the mail.

It means I love you.

I do you know.

So much.

Breaks my heart.

I’m ok with that, heart break, I’ve had my share, I’ll probably have more before my days here on this plane are done.

And that’s ok too.

It means I’m alive.

What a fucking gift, this, to be alive, to be in this skin.

It’s not perfect, but it’s mine and I’m ever so grateful for it.

Yup.

A beautiful gift that I get to treat well and respect and care for and love.

I’m getting better at that all the time.

And I do deserve respect.

It felt good to remind myself of that this afternoon.

I had made the phone call check in to my person this afternoon while I was at the beginning of my work shift, although certainly not the beginning of my day–that had started hours and hours before I even got to work.

But I did not block the phone number until late in the afternoon.

When.

Ha.

I was wondering vaguely in the back of my head if he was going to text me today and what would I say and.

What the fuck, Martines?!

Ugh.

Block the number now.

It’s like a dangerous default, I don’t even know my brain is going there.

This is why I work with people, this is why I make myself accountable to others, their perspectives are so fucking important.

I walk around with god damn blinders on.

“He’s totally interested in you,” my girlfriend said to me years and years ago.

“No he’s not, he’s gay,” I told my friend.

“Gay?  Are you out of your mind, he’s literally beating your face with his penis, Carmen, he’s so not gay,” my friend said with incredulity, then dipped her french fry into the pool of ranch dressing on her plate.  “Seriously, he has a great big boner for you and it’s a not a gay boner.”

Turns out.

He wasn’t gay.

Once in a while.

I think.

Oh, look, a new perspective, I’ve taken off  the blinders.

But.

You know.

I’m always in my way.

I’m the one thing in my way.

So, pray to God, I’m serious, get the fuck out of your own way.

Go have fun.

Go play pinball.

Go to yoga.

Let go.

Move on.

And don’t worry.

You’re on a collision course with what is supposed to happen.

You just can’t see around the corner.

You’re not blind.

But you’re not a mind reader either.

Just saying.

Above And Beyond

That was the message, or part of, the message that I received earlier this evening.

Once again, doing my best to leave it better than I found it.

The house sitting gig done I plane on staying home for a while.

Yeah, I got an overnight gig to do for New Years Eve, but tell you what, as my stalwart little computer could tell you, I am going to make some money this month so I can get a new laptop.

This little guy has not got much left.

I am going to make an appointment at the Genius Bar, but as the Apple guy that I met at Burning Man said to me, the guy that works for Apple, not some dude handing out fruit, “time to throw it out and buy a new one.”

And my little gal has lasted four months longer then he was predicting, but she seems to be fading fast, and so, though I am not particularly looking forward to working an over night, I am looking forward to the extra cash.

I just wrote the last of my bills for the month, rent for January, and walked it upstairs to my landlord, so nice to be home, let me just say that one more time, and paid January rent a few days early.

Everything I make from here on out, with the exception of grocery money, is cake.

Not cake to eat, but perhaps cake to blog about.

Because, God forbid, I don’t blog.

I think I have a habit, but not one I am interested in kicking anytime soon.

I am busy though, doing some extra service this month, which is always good for me at this time of year, and being asked to go a few places I haven’t been to or parts of town I haven’t been around in a while.

I ate dinner after work on Clement Street.

Cannot remember the last time I did that, of course I cannot remember the last time I was on Clement street on my bicycle.

I’ll be in the Mission tomorrow night after work and then in the Inner Sunset on Sunday, I am definitely on the circuit.

But it keeps the mind off what the mind likes to masticate on.

“You haven’t been in a relationship in how long?” She asked me startled last night as we were getting ready to sit down to Christmas dinner and she was telling me of her and her husbands plans on having another child.

Well, yeah, I guess it has been awhile, but I am not on a schedule, a timeline, and I certainly don’t have an expiration date, so what ever.

I was also told by a friend who I happened to ride my bicycle past yesterday afternoon on my way to do the deal, that I looked 25.

I smiled and said thank you.

I didn’t argue.

I don’t believe that I look 25, but I know I don’t look my age and I am not worried about it, I don’t know what exactly has shifted over the last week or so, perhaps that constant writing about forgiveness.

Perhaps that inventory I finished writing today.

Yes, got some writing cranked out during my charges three-hour nap.

Oh, thank heaven for little girls that nap three hours, because despite my only having one charge I was a bit worn out from making sure the house was ship-shape before I left and I wasn’t feeling at the top of my game.

Santa brought me my period, thanks big guy.

Nothing says funny like a frantic women scurrying around a gay male couple’s pristine home trying to find sanitary products.

Maybe they had a female Air B-N-B guests, maybe one of the guys has a sister, there’s got to be something, I kept thinking as I opened every cupboard, closet, and drawer.

Jesus.

All I could think about was not ruining their eggshell sheets.

God damn.

There’s a premise for a comedy sitcom in that somewhere, I am sure.

I took care of things, but yeah, so tired a bit today, and though I pondered just taking a nap on the couch I knew I had some writing that needed to be finished by Saturday 12:15p.m.

I cranked it out.

How refreshing.

Used to be a time that this kind of work took a lot longer, but the more you do the easier it gets and the fewer things I have to write about.

I had one really big aha revelation and I am so grateful for that.

Really grateful.

Anyway, life feels a bit above and beyond for me, not sure what’s going to happen next, what new thing I am going to get myself into, I know I have a trip to make to Florida soon, but that feels very far away right now, even though I bet it’s just three weeks.

Now I have to look at the calendar.

Just over three weeks.

So much can happen in three weeks.

So much can happen in three days.

Sometimes in three hours.

Tomorrow I just have a four-hour day, and I am sure things will happen in that time.  One of which is to get some more massage work scheduled, I am ready for it after hauling a weeks worth of stuff in my messenger bag back to the house.

Glad to unpack that bag.

Knowing that I can go one week with what I have in that bag is pretty awesome, but since I don’t have to live that way, I prefer not to.

“I house sat once,” the husband of a friend of a friend said to me at dinner last night, “I hated it, never did it again.”

Haha.

That is such a normal person’s reaction.

I did not like it, so I did not do it again.

Well, the first time I tried crack it didn’t work, so I tried again.

Funny, how I have to repeatedly do things that I don’t like, as though I am trying to prove something.

Not sure exactly what that is, but I am done proving it with the house sitting, which is awesome, as I am home, and the only place I want to be is here.

In my little blue room by the sea.

I’m leaving up my Christmas tree a few more days just to get the full feel of it.

Now to stop repeating other things that don’t work for me.

Chronically single.

Diagnosed.

Now, excuse me while I go take my forgiveness pill.

And make a cup of tea to relax in my own sweet space.