Posts Tagged ‘persimmon’

Brain Break

December 4, 2018

My head just needs a serious break.

Today at work I was cussing out my classes, my computer, my head, the stack of books next to me and my notebook.

Fuck it all.

I was tired.

I am tired.

And it’s Monday.

It’s the god damn beginning of the week.

And I’m already tired.

oh well.

At least I got some discussion posts up, after much profanity, and I did some follow-up work on a discussion post I’d put up the day before yesterday and I checked in on the responses to my work and responded to a few people in my cohort.

But my brain just hurts.

My tooth is also a little tender tonight, not sure why, so I had oatmeal for dinner and I’m just taking it easy.

I’m not really behind on any of the work for school and my head really does feel like it’s been blown open.

Of course it doesn’t help that a TA and a professor from my most demanding class are demanding some more work in the discussion thread I have done the most work in.

I’m like motherfuckers, I have posted over 5,000 words in the damn thread in the past five or six days, I’m tired of the topics and the demands of the class and where the hell is everybody anyway?  I’m seeing a fuck load of people not even posting or discussing, so why ask me to do more?

Of course.

I will do some more, I just need to grouse a little bit about it.

And that is why I love my little blog and being back here again, I can’t exactly say “go fuck yourself” to my professor on my discussion threads.

I mean.

I did send him an e-mail near the beginning of the semester saying he was asking for an unreasonable amount of work and I still think he is.

And I also see that I am one of the few people keeping up with what he’s throwing at us.

I have to also see it from the standpoint, this is his program, he’s the person who started this PhD program at my school, he created it, he loves it, I know, I’ve read one of his books and enough of his articles to choke a horse.

Sigh.

But when I give it some space I also see that I am learning and learning at sometimes a terrifying pace.

Is there enough room up there in my head?

I don’t know if there is, maybe I’ll forget the things that aren’t so important like math.

Bwhahahaahha.

Anyway.

I’m also roasting a chicken, in hopes that tomorrow I will be able to eat some pretty close to solid food.  I mean, I love some good oatmeal, I know, crazy right, (with juicy, tart, sweet apples, persimmon, sea salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, and pumpkin pie space, plus vanilla almond milk, come on, that’s some good shit), but a nice bit of roast chicken will be good for me.

I also know that though I am not burnt out, I am juggling a lot of stuff right now.

I almost screeched in joy when I found out that the trauma training I was mandated to go to this Sunday for my internship was cancelled as the trainer had a family emergency and won’t be available.

Holy fuck.

Thank God.

Not going to that training will save me five hours of time this weekend.

I can do a lot with five hours.

I am glad I didn’t know this information yesterday as I pushed myself to write my book review for my Creative Inquiry: Scholarship for the 21st Century paper.  I still have some editing to do for it, but I wanted to get it out-of-the-way because it’s due this upcoming Sunday and what with the trauma training it was going to be a tight push to do it.

Now I have a nice big chunk of time on Sunday to go get my Christmas tree!

I was planning on doing it on Sunday anyway, after the training and whatever work that there was to do for the book review.  But with the training cancelled and the book review pretty much done I can, oh my God.

I can sleep in!

I wasn’t able to yesterday, I had to get up early and run a bunch of errands that were on time constraints.

Sunday is my only day to sleep in and next Sunday if I was going to the trauma training I would be getting up really early to drive over to Berkeley for the three-hour training.

I get to sleep in!

My God that makes me happy.

Sleep.

It is such a nice thing.

I’m going to tell you a little secret.

That’s how I’m doing this PhD.

As much work as I can do during the day, thank God the baby took a big nap and the mom was out of the house at a meeting all day, then I come home and do a bit more and then.

Well.

I fucking stop.

I make sure that I am getting as close to eight hours of sleep as I can.

I don’t always succeed, Wednesday nights are notoriously hard for me to get more than five or six–I have group supervision for my private practice therapy internship in the morning before work and I have to be up by six am on Thursdays and since I have clients until 8:30p.m. I’m not home Wednesday night until a little after 9p.m.  By the time I get things sorted and have a bite of dinner it’s already time for bed and I find it pretty hard to wind it down fast enough to actually get the solid sleep I could use.

But that’s it, once a week I’m shy on sleep, the rest of the time I let myself rest.

My brain can’t hold all the information otherwise, there is just too much, I have to sleep.

Speaking of.

Time to wrap this up, make some tea and get ready for bed.

I have a lot to do tomorrow, therapy before work, work, and then seeing two clients in the evening after work.

Tuesday is a twelve-hour day for me.

So, yeah.

I’m going to let myself off the hook for the rest of tonight, call it a day.

And.

Sleep.

All the good, dreamy, yummy, sleep I can get.

 

Hey, God, It’s Me

November 20, 2016

Carmen.

And hey, I’m listening.

I heard you and well, yes, let’s do it.

Yes please.

Yes, oh my God.

Yes, I’d like to.

Yes, yes, yes.

Heh.

I had a little serendipity come and find me this evening when I was in the student kitchen at school having my dinner break before my last class of the day.

One of the women who is in the program, but a year a head of me, came into the kitchen to get her dinner and I thought as she was putting together her dinner, I should talk to her.

I had seen her yesterday at the practicum workshop and hadn’t the time prior to class to speak with her, I had, very in passing, talked to one of the team and made a tentative appointment to see him today at lunch, but decided to have lunch with one of my friends in the cohort.

We had such a nice lunch and a good catch up.

And.

HA.

I got another invite to travel.

Not sure when I’m going to do it, but I am.

She lives in Miami.

I have always wanted to go down for Art Basel and maybe this upcoming year.

Not this year, it’s like in two weeks and I have already made all my travel plans for the year.

But it’s nice to know there’s another place for me to go and I have a living amends to make to Miami.

The last time I was there, well, I was smoking crack and wasn’t perhaps the best citizen in Dade county.

I wasn’t the worst either, let me be clear, my ex might have had that title wrapped up.

But that’s another story.

A book actually, but yes, for another day.

My friend had extended the invitation before and I just said yes this time.

When?

I don’t know, but yes, I’ll be going.

So.

Yes.

I missed the 12:30p.m. lunch appointment, but I had bumped into the person at school and I think he’d forgotten about me anyhow, he’d mistaken me for another student.

I just smiled and walked on.

Then dinner tonight.

I sat and eat my dinner, coconut curry chicken with brown rice, carrots, and cauliflower.

And a persimmon.

Have I ever told you how much I love persimmons?

So much.

To the moon and back.

A thousand times.

Just saying.

LOVE them.

And I had the little voice inside my head, say, you really should talk to her.

But I kept my silence.

Then.

She paused at the door to the kitchen.

I sat and watched her.

She was having some internal dialogue.

She turned and chuckled, acknowledged what she was saying  to herself and grabbed a cup of water from the tea kettle.

“Actually,” I smiled, “I’m glad you turned around, I saw you yesterday at the practicum workshop and I was going to see Jeff today and it didn’t happen, and well, I have a couple of questions for you.”

We talked.

She gave me all sorts of fantastic suggestions.

I asked questions.

She clarified.

It came out what my interests where, where I had thought of applying, what I needed for the site approval, when it made the best sense to apply to a site and where I should look.

She made a suggestion.

I just about died with disbelief.

What?

What?

You don’t say?

No fucking way.

Ok.

I’m so checking that out.

In our conversation I had said that I was overwhelmed a little bit, that I was a full-time nanny and that it was hard sometimes to just get my papers and reading all done on time, let alone do all the extra work that I was feeling I had to do for practicum applications.

She broke it down in nice little chunks for me.

Then I asked about references and letters of recommendation and then I had a thought.

And it was like she read my mind.

Spooky.

“Wait, you’re a nanny?” She asked.

“Yes, I’ve been doing it professionally for the last ten years,” I replied.

“And you’re interested in psychodynamics and psychoanalysis, and Gestalt?” She cocked her head, “well, of course Church Street (where I was planning on applying, which is the Gestalt orientation school site), since you’re interested in Gestalt, but have you looked at the UCSF program for infants and mothers?”

What?

No fucking way.

Yup.

UCSF Infant Parent Program.

Well, hello.

I found it on the placement site and I’ll probably be applying there, along with the CIIS sites, Church Street, Golden Gate, and Pierce Street.

They, the administrative team for the program I’m in, recommends that you apply to 6-8 sites.

I have four in mind.

And.

I realized, um, heh, I know one of the people who I will be asking for a letter of recommendation.

One of the parents I work with as a nanny is a psychiatrist at UCSF.

Heh.

And the verbal recommendations she has given me to my face have been pretty amazing, the information she’s shared with my main employer, and the fact that she has been super kind and nice and appreciative of my efforts as her nanny, well, heck, I think I will need to ask her post-haste.

It’s nice to be making some head way around this.

It’s nice to say, I’m three-quarters of the way through the weekend of classes.

It’s really nice to say, I have two more classes then I’m free.

I’ll have to do one big presentation in Child Therapy, a big paper for Psychopathology, a 15 page assessment, and a 5-7 page paper for Family Therapy.

Two papers and one presentation to go.

Then the semester break and holidays.

Yes.

But for right now.

Well.

Fuck.

It feels good.

I have some direction.

I have some ideas.

I have a course of actions that I can begin to take and that feels really good.

So.

Excuse me while I get my snack on, some more persimmons please, and a cup of tea and a bit of a video.

Then bed.

And back to school in the morning.

One more day of classes.

Almost there.

 

Pete The Cat

November 17, 2016

Is a co-dependent.

Seriously.

Have you read the one about him and the goldfish?

I couldn’t help my commentary as I was reading the story to my charges today.

It cracked me up.

Takes one to know on.

I’ve gotten a lot better though, more advocating for myself and more letting myself have the things that I need to have to take care of myself.

After all.

It’s hella hard to take care of others if I haven’t taken care of myself.

I’ve been doing pretty good at that of late.

I got up early and made coffee and got my breakfast started, but did not eat it, I don’t like how I feel if I eat breakfast before yoga, it’s not a good feeling.

But I knew it was going to be a little tight this morning to do all the things I wanted to do before I had to leave for work.

So.

Yeah.

I made breakfast and set it aside before I went to the studio.

I really wanted to get in one more day at the studio before the school week begins.

Tomorrow I can’t, I’ll be heading down town to the Healthy San Francisco offices.

I don’t qualify for Healthy SF anymore, I’m just covered until January, so I need to get all my stuff together and apply for Covered California.

Which is actually real health insurance.

Healthy SF is not, but I’ve used it and every year at tax time I get dinged for it not being “real” insurance and I have to pay a fine.

I love how this country likes to punish those who don’t have enough by taking away their resources.

I always have a bit of snit when I have to pay the fine for not having health insurance, it just seems a bit unfair.

I can’t afford health insurance, so let me pay a fine for not having health insurance.

Fuck you.

Anyway.

I’m ready to have the real thing and I’m hoping it won’t be too expensive.

I know it will be more than I have been paying and I’m just going to be fine with it.

Paying for my glasses this past year out-of-pocket, since Healthy SF doesn’t cover eye care or dental, was really expensive.  I’d like to not do that again.

I figure between the fine and what the costs of my two sets of glasses were I can afford to do the Covered California.

I believe I will be taken care of.

So I took care of all the minutiae that they require and printed off my bank statement and my payroll stubs.

I’m set.

I just have to go in, hand them my paper work, fill out the application and decide what plan to choose.

Preferably one with dental and eye care.

Then I work and get my shit together for the school weekend.

I got no reading done today.

I was hoping to get a nap, but the baby was teething.

Argh.

And the boys, her brothers were both home early from school.

There was really no break and there was certainly no down time to do any of my school reading.

But.

Ultimately.

I am ok with that as my papers are written and I did reading for all my classes.

I’m not that far behind, just not completely caught up and frankly, I’m so happy I cranked out my paper this past weekend I don’t really care.

I looked at myself today and smiled.

“You’re doing a good job kid,” I said.

I believed it, it’s nice to look around and have my stuff taken care of, food is prepped up, my papers are in their school folder, stacks of books on my desk, laundry done, I just need to show up and participate.

And.

Well.

I’m pretty good at that.

And stay awake.

I always have a challenge getting enough sleep the weekends I’m in school.

I get somewhere between five and six hours when I normally get 8.

By the end of the weekend I’m a little bonkers.

But.

I keep looking towards next week with a sweet longing, I will have days and days and days off.

I will sleep in.

I may not even do homework.

Ok.

That’s probably not true.

But.

Oh.

What would it be like to do some pleasure reading?

Actually read something that is fiction.

God damn that sounds so fucking sexy.

Maybe I will bring one book to enjoy.

I’ll probably wait until Christmas though, when I travel back to Wisconsin, and let myself have a few good thick books for the winter break.

I’ll get about two weeks of not having to read for school.

Although the break is longer than that, it’s almost a month if I recall from last year, but the syllabi usually get released and I’ll need to be doing reading for the start of the second semester fairly quick.

I remember how fast it snuck up on me last year and I was like.

Shit.

I have to start reading now!

I don’t need to feel that kind of panic going into the second semester.

And I will need to start preparing for my practicum and where I’m going to intern.

Fuck.

That’s going to be more work too.

Always the work.

But.

I suppose I’m used to it by now and I’m getting better and time management and I have to say, I’ve been good about not engaging with my social media right away in the morning.

I give myself my morning.

Nice breakfast.

Time to do my morning routine, drink some coffee, do some writing.

Read when I can.

So the first few hours of the day are mine alone and I’ve become a little greedy with those hours, ignoring messages or calls or texts until I have done all the writing and coffee and reading and getting ready for my day.

I’m being selfish.

Or.

As I prefer.

I’m taking care of myself.

Poor Pete the Cat by the end of the story has painted everyone in his family a goldfish painting, everyone in his class, his school bus driver, his grandma, even the mayor at Cat City Hall wants a painting from Pete the Cat.

Pete’s got homework.

Pete’s got to feed Goldie his goldfish.

Pete looks exhausted.

Pete gets a great idea and paints one huge painting for the whole city and puts it up in the middle of downtown.

I’d rather just learn from Pete’s lesson, although I don’t think the author was going for a co-dependent kitten, I got the message loud and clear.

Taking care of myself is the best way to help those around me.

And I do want to help.

So.

With that.

I’m out.

I need to eat a persimmon and have some tea before bed.

And.

Maybe a video.

Even Pete would approve of that.

Good night.

Cats and kittens.

It’s been a good day.

And.

It’s all groovy.

Pete would approve of that too.


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