Posts Tagged ‘play date’

One Week From Today

June 19, 2018

I fly to New York on a redeye.

I am so very ready.

I was writing about that this morning, how ready I am for some vacation time, a break from clients, a get out of dodge, celebrate my Master’s degree, be away from the landlady scene and situation and just have some fucking fun.

I am very, very, very excited.

I just have four more days of work and one more day of supervision before the fun begins.

Work was pretty mellow and I had a late start, which was nice.

So, yes, I did sleep in.

However, today was it for sleeping in.

The rest of the week I’ll be up early doing therapy tomorrow before work.

An early music class for the baby on Wednesday and who knows what Thursday and Friday look like but I’ve already gotten the heads up that my help will be appreciated.

There’s a lot to do for a family of five traveling to Europe for five weeks.

So I’ll probably go in early on Thursday and Friday.

But really.

I am just fine with it.

It’s the final push before the down time starts for me.

I have a fairly light schedule this week too with clients, so it’s not too bad, going in early a few days, not bad at all.

Considering, as well, that I’m paid for the full five weeks that they are gone I have no qualms with the extra helping.

Besides, it will make the week go by faster.

I figure I will also sneak in a little extra doing the deal, tomorrow I have a client cancellation so I’ll hit something up at 8 o’clock near my hood.

It’s always a good thing for me to do, get in a little more recovery before I travel and also when I am busy, keeps me in balance.


I will be getting some personal things together, planning my outfits for the trip and my accessories and toiletries, et al.

I almost bought a new suitcase last weekend but did not as they didn’t quite have what I wanted at Nordstrom Rack.

I don’t really, really, really need a new suitcase, but I’m a touch concerned, and have been for the last two trips, that one of the wheels on the suitcase will soon be meeting its end.

It might be a good idea to look into it.

I’ll be downtown on Saturday getting a hair cut, so maybe I’ll poke around.

I’ve got my shoes, dresses and accessories pretty much sussed out in my brain.

I’ve been watching the weather and it look like low to mid 80s.

Which is perfect for me.


But not too warm.

Just about perfect.

I’m envisioning lots of walking around in sandals and sundresses.

Not something I would have done here today, super foggy this morning and cold and windy now.

Hello summer in San Francisco.

The warmer weather is definitely a draw for New York.

And the art, and the fine company I will have, and the culture, friends, recovery, warm air at night.


And the big ass bathtub at the Air BnB.

I am taking myself some bubble baths, let me tell you.

Depending on when I check in I figure I will be making a trip to Whole Foods, stocking up the place and then going out and exploring a little, maybe do the deal if I can connect with a friend of mine early enough.

I need to hear back from the Air BnB host as to when I can get in.

The check in on the site is listed at 5p.m.

I get into JFK at 10:30 a.m.

I reached out and asked and the host had said it was not a problem to do an earlier check in and we’d connect closer to the date.

I figure I’ll reach out in the next few days and see what the deal is.

If I can’t get in as early as I would like, which is basically when I get there, I figure I’ll be there by noon at the latest, I want to be able to at least drop my luggage off.

I think the late check in has to do with making sure the unit is cleaned for the next guests, my suitcase should not get in the way of the place getting cleaned if that’s what needs to happen.


I am quite sure I will be fine whatever happens.

I feel really quite happy, I have to say.

Good dreams last night.

Feeling settled about what next actions I have to take regarding my living situation.

Four days away from a five-week vacation from work.

And though I will have clients during that five weeks, only for the two weeks in between New York and Paris.

The down time will also be good for me getting prepared for the private practice internship.

I have my next meeting with my new supervisor July 11th.

Very exciting.

Life is exciting.

Wonderful things feel like they are happening and I am no longer in dread about going on vacation knowing what I know from all the foot work I got to do regarding my living situation.




Four days from my real summer vacation.

The count down has begun!

Hot Bowl of Soup

November 8, 2017

Cookies baking in the oven.

I needed some comfort time when I got home.

Cookies are not for me to eat, but I had some left over dough from making cookies last week and I figured I might know a person who would like them.

I think I just wanted my oven on.

It’s cold outside kids.

I was going to call this blog, Baby, It’s Cold Outside, but I think I already have a blog, maybe even two with that exact title.

So, Hot Bowl of Soup it is.


I needed some.

I just got exhausted today.

I don’t know why exactly, I felt pretty damn good most of the day.

I did a lot of work in therapy, so there’s that, sometimes the sessions can be big or cover big stuff and I will have well, not exactly an emotional hang over, but a touch of tenderness about me the rest of the day.

I also, I swear it’s true, think that my boss was exhausted and it sort of rubbed off on me at the end of the day.

Plus the kids had really big energy and it felt like it took a lot for me to be present and accountable.

I made a nice dinner for the family, spaghetti carbonara, roasted chicken legs, spinach salad with roasted pears, bacon, Toma cheese, roasted almonds, and roasted garlic sweet potato coins.

The cooking helps me to connect with my charges and also, puts a sort of ending on the day before I head off to see my clients at my internship.

I suspect that the barrage of client e-mails at the end of my day did not help either.

I got a lot of incoming e-mails right at the end of the day and juggling making dinner, wrangling the baby and coordinating with the mom for a big play date tomorrow and an early start to my day on Thursday and I just got smacked with overwhelm.

I had a hard time shaking it off.

But I managed to scrape myself up and get to my internship and I felt much better after my first session.

Which was a phone session.

My first one.

Not my first choice, but rather that than nothing and I can count a phone session towards my hours, although only to a certain degree, it’s called Telemedicine and you can only accrue about 375 hours of it.

I don’t dislike it.

But I don’t like it as much as face to face therapy.

So much is missed over the phone, I can’t see my clients expression or body language, a lot gets lost.

Then again, I think that the phone allowed my client to open up about a few things that it might have taken a few more face to face sessions to get to.

Never the less.

I felt better after getting off the phone session.

I feel better after doing therapy sessions, I can tell I have been of service and spending an hour focused on someone other than myself is really helpful.

Then I got the sweetest damn message in a text and my whole night got turned around.

It’s pretty amazing and it was unexpected and I felt light and buoyant and loved and I knew I would make it through my last session and get home and have a hot meal and I would be ok.

And voila!

I am.

I even rallied some energy up to do a load of laundry and suss out a few more things for school.


Oh yeah.

I have school this weekend.

So there’s that too.

Trying to get all my reading done before classes.

I did manage to finish my Jungian Dream Work reading assignment, and I turned in the paper on Sunday, plus I got into my Transpersonal reading and I finished my Drug and Alcohol reading.  I’m a bit behind on my Psychopharmacology and Human Sexuality reading, but have at least dipped into so that I’m not completely at a loss when class rolls around on Friday.

I also had a client cancel on Friday so I can take that time and do a little bit of catch up there.

I will have the next couple of days and get done what I get done and not fret too hard about what I can’t finish.

I typically do manage to get it in or damn close to it.

I have been a lot less on my phone during the day, taking Facebook off it was one of the best decisions ever, and I’ve been assiduously reading when ever I can.

I got nearly an hour in at work today.

A half hour at lunch then another stretch on the train and in the school yard waiting for my charges to finish up with school.

If I keep that up I’ll be sitting pretty damn good come Friday.

And tomorrow will not be as draining, I’ll get some sleep, I’ll have a good day at work, the play date I’m managing happens to be with one of my previous charges and I just adore him to bits, it will be special to have some time with him.

And I’ll get out a little early to hit up group supervision and then go to the deal with my people.

See and be seen by those I need and love.

Grateful to have hot food in my tummy, warm bunny slippers on my feet, and the cookies, although not for me, smell delicious and it’s nice to be cozy in my home.

I am really grateful for what I have.

My life is good.

I love.


I am loved.

Turn On The Heat

November 3, 2017

It’s cold out there.

The rains are coming.

It’s November.


The chill in the air, with the almost full moon rising, was spooky and intense, bright and crisp, fall is here, winter is coming.

I hopefully will be getting a car soon, as I noted that there is rain in the near forecast.

I don’t have the time to do it before the rains start and I have some homework yet to do, but I’m pretty decided and as soon as I have the down time I will be getting my butt to a dealership in the East Bay.


Not soon enough to save me from some more cold scooter rides home, or wet rides home.

I am still debating riding in to work tomorrow on my scooter, even though there is some rain in the forecast–it’s off and on and not 100% rain all day.

There are windows of time when it’s not raining and they both fall around when I would be going into work and when I’d be coming home.

I get to come home early tomorrow, both of my clients cancelled and instead of trying to squeeze in a consult, like I did tonight when my client cancelled, I decided to take the night off and just come home.

Take a hot shower.

Wash the week off of me.

Cook myself a nice dinner.

Be cozy.

Reflect on my life and the last six months.

My God.

The last six months.

So much love.

So much change.

Some quiet and private.

Some big and public.

Lots of internal change.


And just extraordinary amounts of gratitude for where I am in my life and the people I get to spend time with.

I am so lucky.

If the rain stays away and the cloud cover is not to bad, it might be a great night to go down to the beach for the full moon.

It will be full at midnight tomorrow, but I suspect that it will look full when it rises, I thought it was full tonight as it was coming up.

I had to check online to see when it was complete.



The witching hour.



The ocean.

Dancing on the beach.

Wrapping myself up in love.

The full moon reminding me of you.

Of promise.

Of joy.

Of laughter that falls from my mouth.

How sustained I am and how loved.

My life is extraordinary, even when I am tired, like I was today and a little bit in H.A.L.T.





I was hungry since I didn’t have the best lunch, not a bad lunch, no not at all, just not the lunch I’d planned, as the container that my chicken soup was in broke in my scooter basket and I had chicken soup all over my school books, shoes, and paperwork.



As I went to bed late.

Not horribly late, just later than normal and up a little earlier to help the mom out at work by coming in a half hour early.



Sometimes a girl gets lonely.

I was listening to Coleman Hawkins today, late afternoon, at work, the mom had all the kids and I was at the house waiting for an important delivery and doing food prep and cleaning and household stuff.

The music moved me.

The view moved me.

I danced by myself.

Dreamy and slow, folding the laundry, looking out the window towards downtown San Francisco, dreaming of being in another’s arms.



It passed.

But it was there for a little bit.

I got boonswoggled into a playdate/babysitting gig, without compensation.

I felt manipulated, annoyed, angry, pissed off, victimized and aware that, in the passive aggressive text, I had been played.

Or so it felt.

And I knew that I was tired and I knew that I was lonely and I knew that I was hungry, so I prayed and asked for it to be removed and I asked myself what my fear was, and I asked if I needed to manipulate through withholding my honest response, and I asked myself to see the situation with perspective and wait for clarification before getting more pissed off.

Which I’m very happy for.

I also had a snack.

Which fucking helped.

And I took some ibuprofen, too much carrying the baby this week in the carrier, which is how I started out my day, so I was a bit sore and tender all day too, which helped.

Then I had a talk with the mom and we divided and conquered and, yes, I will, in a way be baby sitting–I’m just going to call it an extended play date, but it is for a charge I have already had, who I love so dearly that I am more than happy to help and that the mom is taking two of her three kids, so that I will just have two to take care of, instead of the four I thought I was going to be saddled with, and it doesn’t happen til next Wednesday and fuck if I’m going to be upset about it and carry it forward.

Thank God for spot check inventory.


Thank God for getting home and making myself a nice hot meal, pan-fried Japanese sweet potato with garlic and pulled meat from a roasted chicken with melted butter.

That along with turning up the heat in my studio and realizing it’s Friday tomorrow and I have wonderful plans for it and I’ll get a paycheck and my health insurance stipend and really, there are no problems.


Just love.




And the nearly, almost, not quite, but soon to be.

Full moon.

Good Day

April 2, 2017

Long day.

Glad it’s done day.

Wish I didn’t have to work tomorrow day.


Oh well.

That being said at least I had some time before and after work for myself.

I got up and went to yoga and had a really good class.

I cried.

It was good and sometimes when it’s really good, something lifts and moves and I get emotional relief not just a nice quiet relief from my thoughts but a shifting inside and something gets worked out.

I had some stuff get worked out that I wasn’t expecting and I floated back to the house after.

A hot shower and a text from the mom saying I wasn’t needed until 1p.m.

I had been scheduled to come in at noon.

So I had some extra time to do some writing, check in with a friend and do some homework as well as get my spending plan done for the month of April.

I was right, not that I’m keeping track, but by eliminating my clothing allowance and my savings allowance I’ll be able to afford doing the weekly therapy.

I may change that at some point and as I applied to get financial aid for my summer session of practicum, which is considered a class, I will probably use some of that money towards tuition, of course, and also towards the therapy.

It’s required by the school for my degree, might as well use student loan money to pay for it.

When that happens, depending on how much I get over the tuition bill, sometimes it’s only been a few hundred dollars, I’ll use that towards my therapy and allow myself money back into my clothes or savings allowance.

Suffice to say.

I have enough for April to get by without freaking out, taking money from my travel savings account, or having to sell my plasma.

I jest.

I haven’t sold my plasma in years.

Not that I could anyhow, I’ve had a recent tattoo and you cannot donate blood or plasma for a year after you’ve gotten a tattoo.



I’ve not donated blood in the past decade pretty much.


Money enough is coming in, is what I’m saying and I was able to figure that all out before I went into work.

It was a chill day and I had a nice time with the kids.

I was a little tired, not physically so much, but mentally.

It’s a long stretch to be with the kids that many days in a row.

I made it through though, and got off early enough to run and get a few groceries from the store and then over to 1100 Divisadero to do the deal and meet up with friends.

After which, dinner at Souvla, a Greek restaurant in the NOPA.

I had an amazing dinner and mostly on account of the company, but the food is really good too.

I am really grateful for this group of fellows and so happy that have committed to continue seeing them every week, it’s really been helping me stay balanced with my school and work stuff.

And although I am working tomorrow, it will be an interesting adventure.

The family is actually coming out to me.

The weather tomorrow is looking warm and sunny and the mom wants to bring all the kids to the beach.

She said that they will be coming out to Ocean Beach and will send me a little text when they get close and we’ll all go have a beach day.

I can handle that!

I’m going to get up and do a yoga class again and be ready by noon, although it may be more like 1 p.m. by the time they get out here.

I’m happy to be staying in my neighborhood and I won’t have to do any cooking or cleaning or laundry, I’m grateful for that and for not having to do a commute in either.

The traffic today was crazy.

Everybody was out and headed to the park or the beach and that’s basically where I live and it was a longer commute time that it is during the week.

I am very happy to stay put in the hood tomorrow and just hang out with the kiddos at the beach and build sand castles and walk the tide line and look for shells and be out in the sunshine all day.

I am down with that.

And get paid.


Thank you.

I haven’t yet been down to the beach on the nice weather day in a while.

I’m looking forward to it.

I also did not get the sense that I would be working all the way until 6 p.m.

The mom assured me though, that I would be compensated for the hours we had discussed.

I find that really fair and reasonable, and I’m grateful that I didn’t have to say anything about it, she just said, you’ll be paid the full amount we discussed.

Thank you!

Not much else to report this news cycle.

At least not anything that I’m willing to write about.

I fear that my blogs have not been so scintillating that they will start losing readership, then I remember, I don’t write for an audience, I write for myself and I would be writing even if only ten people were reading.

Or if no one were reading.

It is my space.

I claim it.

I own it.

It helps me and the really juicy stuff, well, involves other people and their stories are theirs, not mine, to tell.

So I bid you adieu.

A good night.






Some Times It’s The Little Things

January 15, 2015

Like getting done with work an hour early.

Oh, my gosh, that was nice.

Partially because it was a ruckus at work, four boy play date and pizza making party.

Can you say melee?

I spent most of my lunch break making pizzas, that was a new one on me, I have not made a pizza from scratch since I don’t know when, high school?

I actually did not make them completely from scratch, I bought the dough pre-made from Lucca Ravioli on Valencia Street.  Plus, the pepperoni, and pizza sauce.

Really what I did was assemblage, but it did take a while to do, just preparation wise and I did have to roll out the dough and pre-bake and then build them up.

It was a little strange having my hands in flour, I don’t bake anymore, but I soon found myself wielding a rolling-pin and even flipping the pizza dough up in the air a few times.

I made two mushroom and spinach pizzas, one pepperoni and cheese, and one four cheese, for the parents, then for the boys I made tiny little pizzas using cookie cutters, and then plated all the things that they would need to build up their own little pizzas–marinara, “leaves” (spinach which the youngest likes to call leaves, make a face at me, blow a raspberry and drop on the floor for the dog, who also flaps her lips in disgust and waits for the boy to displace some sausage), sliced mushrooms, and four cheese mix.

I also roasted a head of cauliflower in the oven and made an extra trip to the corner market for staples.

It was quite the morning and afternoon and I found myself grateful that the little guy got in a few extra minutes on his nap and the mom was a tiny bit late from pick up with the four-year old from pre-school.

I found myself eating my lunch in shifts, standing up, walking around with a bowl of food in my hand or jumping up to swap out a pizza from the pizza oven to the pizza board.

I hate eating my lunch like that, but prepping food for three adults and four children and doing snacks and milk and general nanny issue things, I just got grateful that I had food and that a lot of my food has been happening at work.

Ie, the family provides about half of my meals for me.

Plus almost every day buys me a coffee or a latte.

I don’t mind running around a little if I get a nice coffee from Ritual or I get to augment my own food with fresh fruit from BiRite, it saves me quite a bit over the long run and it’s so nice to not have to haul my food around from home to work like I have with quite a few of my other nanny jobs.

However, as much as I appreciate the little perks, a sit down does me good and I found myself a tiny bit more flustered with the boys and finding that I had to tell myself to cool off and breathe and settle down.

Especially if I was going to run my two charges around for a bit before the play date landed on the doorstep.

I also am like a solar battery.

It’s sunny out, get me outside.

I think that has to be one of the most important perks of my job, I get to go outside.

It’s a little thing, but it means a lot to me to be able to charge my own batteries, especially since I do have seasonal depression.  It’s not so bad being here in California, although, July, ironically, can be challenging with the fog out here.

The boys are not always super eager to get out when mom and dad are home and there are working guys doing construction on the house, but it saves my bacon to get outside and be in the sun and the air, even when it is laced with pot smoke.

I know it’s pretty much legal, but keep it out of the park yo.

I have called the cops a few times on really obvious usage, most of the time the boys don’t pay it any attention, I’m the one that it annoys, I’m allergic to it.

We only spent an hour at the park, but I let myself sit down and “relax” for a little while.

Just sitting down is a big deal.

I don’t spend as much time sitting as some of the other nannies I see do, that’s partially just how I nanny, and it’s also because so many of the parents in the neighborhood are out with their kids and a lot of them go to the same school and know the parents.

Sometimes I think I am being a little paranoid, that parents are reporting back to my boss, but you never know and I have had moments when I even think I am being tracked about with the stroller.

I work for tech people and I know there are drop cameras all over the house.

The monitor in the boys perspective rooms is pretty open and out there, but there are more and I don’t know where they are located.

I just know I am on the camera.

I don’t pick my nose or anything.

I also don’t make personal calls, for the most part, from the house.

I am pretty much consistently moving and shaking and doing.

I forget most of the time that they are there, but once in a while the mom wills say or do something and I will be reminded, oh yeah, you’re on camera lady.

Not that I feel that there’s anything that I am doing wrong, I am doing a great job, but it was obvious that I got watched today.

“You worked your entire lunch, why don’t you take off an hour early, we’re just going to watch videos,” the mom said.


And that’s how I wrote my blog before I even am normally home on a Wednesday night.

I got to get out and ride in the rush hour bicycle commuters lane and get to the Inner Sunset and meet with some folks that I haven’t seen in a while and get home over an hour and a half before I ever do the mid week.

What a treat.

It’s the little things that make the difference.

Being upbeat and doing a good job.

Happy, happy.



I shall be well rested for the morrow.


That Took The Startch

October 1, 2014

Out of my shirt.


What a way to end the day.

A play date at dinner time with two boys from the neighborhood and their mom and the dad and the mom and the other nanny, who came over to help the mom with some projects, and the dog.





Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick.

That was hard-core.

And to think that I was patting myself on the back for how good I was doing today.

I got in, took the littlest guy over, played chalk drawings on the front sidewalk, got him lunch, and got him down for his nap with nary a problem.


Run to the market, pick up dinner stuff for tonight’s meal with friends and prep said dinner while the monkey napped–whole wheat spaghetti with turkey meatballs, steamed cauliflower with olive oil and garlic, large tossed salad.  I also made sure there were apples sliced up with cinnamon for snacks and did the dishes, the composting, and some light cleaning.

Then I had my lunch and sat for a hot second before the nap time was over.

Then it was go, go, go.

Go to the library, return books, check out more books.

Go to the park.

Play like maniacs.



The smallest one takes a header playing “sea monster with his older brother.  I could not tell if there was a push involved with the older boy, I suspect that there was, but since I didn’t see it, I did not report it as such.

I think there’s a bit of sibling rivalry that happens and the younger is often shoved out-of-the-way or has his toys taken or gets pushed around a little.


The little guy is a tough cookie.

But he got a bang on the head and the skin was cut and there’s a bruise and I immediately thought, shit, not even week two and I’ll be fired.

I wasn’t fired.

Mom was great.

“Accidents happen, he seems fine,” she said and let it go.

Then the melee.

Two four-year old boys and two two year old boys and a dog and two moms and a dad and two nanny’s and dinner time and whoa Nelly.

The mom did step in at one point when I was corralling four boys to eat their dinner, and let me know that if it was all too much to tell her, but what could I say.

It wasn’t all too much.

It was just a lot.

And I knew it was going to be done soon.

But it did feel like a mad scramble to keep it all together.

Fortunately play dates like this probably don’t happen all the time.

I would be a dead nanny in the water if they did.

As it stands, I am just a tired nanny who left more than a touch frazzled.

I had a few minutes between work and my evening commitment and I sailed along Valencia Street on my bicycle stopping by Therapy to do a little window shopping.

“Carmen!” A co-worker of mine from the bicycle shop rode by on his bicycle and waved to me.

“Carmen!” A young woman who I taught swimming lessons to when she was ten, she’s no longer ten, and I had to bite my tongue to not say, “oh my god, how tall you’ve gotten.”

I got a hug and we caught up and then I ran into another friend a block up.

“You going to this thing,” I nodded to him out side the gate.

“Yup,” he said and gave me a huge hug.

“I see you riding up Lincoln Avenue all the time, do you live out there?”


Yes, I do.

I live, all the way out there.

Though once I had a chance to sit and let my body and my mind rest for an hour, the fifteen minute meditation I did was spectacular, I felt rested enough to do it without complaint.

The ride through the park was superb and I felt rejuvenated from the brisk air and the delicious smell of night-blooming jasmine co-mingled with the ever-present sea salt smell and grateful, once again, to be living and working and commuting in San Francisco.

It is a pretty grand life.

Even when it is a pretty damn busy life.

Sometimes, like this morning, the thought of sustaining this pace feels a bit much, but I know that the routine is getting the kinks worked out and before too long it will just feel like what I do and it will just be what I do.

I have about a year of this.

Then the graduate school.

Which is its own kind of arduous journey, a journey my brain has been loathe to comprehend, and when it does it sees all the hours and the work and the money and whoa.

That too knocks me down and tuckers me out.

Then I thought, while I was writing this morning, that I don’t have to do it all by, say, this weekend.  I have time to go on the journey and I have time to prepare for it.

The admissions for next fall open in November.

Tomorrow is the first day of October and there are five weeks in October, 31 days.

All I have to do is one action every week.

Some will take a series of smaller actions to make them go, others just teeny tiny endeavors will bear great results.

One goal to set for this week is to order my transcripts from undergraduate program degree from the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

I have done it before when I applied to the MFA program in Creative Writing at USF.

A program I obviously did not get into, despite being so cock sure that not only was I getting in, I was going to get a scholarship too and loads of financial aid.

I don’t feel that way about this program.

I do feel that I will get in, but I am uncertain how the funding is going to go.

That, however, is not a concern for me this week.

This week, the only action I take, aside from not letting the boys take me down, is to order my transcripts.

I will put off the worry for another week.

Perhaps indefinitely.

I have more important things to attend to.

Like sleep.

I Get To Sleep in Tomorrow

August 8, 2014

Which would mean it’s the perfect night for an assignation.



No trysting if there’s no callback, text back, or smoke signal back.

“Did you try getting a hold of him?”

She asked, direct, to the point, no messing around.

Yes, but not until this afternoon when I discovered that I was to have a late start at work tomorrow.

I had also sort of hoped that he would reach out, makes a girl feel wanted you know, but that had not happened.

And no response hours later to said text sent out this afternoon.

Seems like it has come to a pass, which I suspected was going to happen when I went back to my regular work a week schedule.

Of course I was hoping the sex was that good that he would just be always coming back for more, or at least willing to bend on the timing a little.  But we may just be from two very different time zones right now.

And that’s ok.

I’m an adult and it was not a dating situation in that sense of the word.

I think I was willing to consider it in that direction if we kept on keeping on, but since that has not happened, I am going to let myself be open to whatever else the Universe has in store for me.

Hey God, who do you want me to hang out with next?

Just peep me ok?

Not like I have a great deal of time, but I seem to find these pockets of uninterrupted space where the unlikely suddenly becomes a reality and I am spending time with someone.

Then too there is the great thing out in the desert where the possibilities are both endless and extraordinarily limited.

I will be working.

I am not out there to make play time a priority.

I always want it to happen.

And with little exception some sort of engagement does indeed happen.

I waffle, vacillate, waver, fluctuate, in my stance about my sexuality, my desires, my wants, my needs.

There are times when I am absolutely convinced that I need a boyfriend, a partner, a “soul mate.”

Whatever the hell that is.

Then there are times when I want a paramour, a lover, a partner just in the bedroom.

Now I believe, I want them both.

I want the lover who is the partner inside and outside the bed, I want the whole damn deal.

So, perhaps a good thing the boy did not get back to me, I don’t believe he’s the partnering type, or rather I should say, I don’t believe we were meant to sojourn down that road.

That’s ok.

It was a lovely little tryst in time and I am glad for it.

It certainly helped pass the time when I was down for the count with my ankle.

Said ankle still hurting, still needing ice, thanks cold pack peas, but not as bad, the days getting easier, or perhaps I am easier on myself, letting myself go slower, not trying to push as far.

Perhaps a combination of the two, slowing down and healing.

I rather believe that is probably the case.

I am feeling a lot more confident about my capabilities as I head into the Burning Man thing, t-minus seven days and counting.


I leave a week from tomorrow.

But it will feel like a week from today as next Thursday when I get off work I will head to the family in Cole Valley from my family in the NOPA and grab the car and head to my house and pack it up and head back to Cole Valley.

I’ll spend the night there and be ready to hit that old dusty trail back home.

It feels unreal and surreal and so soon and why aren’t I there yet.

Sort of like sex.


I get a taste for it and I want more and so.

I guess what this blog is saying, is let’s get it on.

Let me go out and have some fun and see where it takes me.

There’s too much of my goodness to not share it.

I wasn’t meant to be a solo flyer and I have been one for so long that I think I am just used to it, I can get unused to it too.

In fact, I think I need to get unused to it.

I need to have my world turned upside down, topsy-turvy, not just with work stuff, but with my love life, my dating life, my relationship life.

I pray to be granted the action to move toward the man God wants me to be with.

I don’t make judgements about what that is or how it goes or whom it’s with, just to take action.

Action could look like sex, I mean they say it’s all about getting into action right?

Or did they mean, getting action?


I believe that this last guy was actually a way of moving toward the man I supposed to be with.

Just like this past wonky week was meant for me to take the action to get to the job I am supposed to have next.

All small foot steps on the way toward where I am supposed to be and whom I am supposed to be with.

I am on a collision course with the man.

I am on a collision course with the job.

I am on a collision course with my art and writing and creative expression.

I just have to take the action and not get caught up in the time line.

Even though I wanted, at times over the years past, to date very much, to be partnered, coupled, in a romantic relationship, looking back, I wouldn’t have wanted to be with me.

Not now looking back to then.

I am at a much better place.




Even with the hobbled ankle.

I am today the person I want to be.

I still have improvements to make and things to change and places to work on and grow on and all that good stuff, but I am so much more my authentic self.

That’s the self I want to partner up with another now.

Not the self I was before.

The woman I am now.


I didn’t get a response from the booty call.

I got a response that was better.

I got a better picture of who I am today and what I really want.

And what I really want is coming to a town near me real soon.

I know it.

Good Bye Mister Pink

February 6, 2012

I surrendered Frankie to Animal Care and Control today.

I was fine, really, just fine, I don’t need no stinking cats.

I was fine until they asked why I was surrendering him.  Mild outburst of tears.  How humbling to be at a place in my life where I am incapable of taking care of anything else besides myself.

I have no pets.  I have no charges.  I have no plants.

I am left with me.

I just got off Google trying to locate a place to go get a massage.  I have been dreaming of this massage now for days.  And with the newly discovered extra day off I have tomorrow, I want to do that.

I was going to go to Kabuki after I dropped off Frankie.  But once the paper work was done and I said my goodbyes, all I really wanted to do was go shopping.

And how handy.  I am right by the Valencia corridor.  Lots of shopping there.  Let’s do it.

I crossed the street on 15th and Harrison and walked one block toward Valencia, which brought my to Folsom.  I crossed Folsom.  Then I realized, oh, I want to retail therapy shop.  There is nothing I need.  I have food in the fridge.  I have lovely clean clothes.  I do not need to feather the nest any more and the only thing I really want to buy, is better left until tomorrow.

I am going to give myself a little art project to do tomorrow.  I am going to make home-made Valentines Day cards.  I have been thinking about doing that all weekend.  I am just going to have a little play date with myself.  I will go to the store, which ever one makes most sense, and buy some stickers and some construction paper, and some glitter glue and go to town.

I will go to the post office and buy “love” stamps.  I will be silly.

Because today I am sad.  And sad is alright.  Once I realized that I was headed toward retail therapy land I turned back around and headed home.  I enjoyed the walk.  I let myself feel sad.  I looked at the sky.  I felt the quiet of the city, all eyes turned toward Footballlandia, and breathed, in, out, full breaths, quiet.

I got home.  Made myself a cup of tea and did some reading in the late afternoon sunlight.  I finished the first 164 as it was suggested to me and then I made dinner.

I am responsible to nothing but myself.  No man, no family, no pets, hell, not even any plants.

Although I did get myself a gorgeous bouquet of flowers yesterday–my space is cozy and sweetly scented and pretty.

Muy bonita.

Aurora just stopped by to make sure that I had a shower curtain up and that I was not throwing toilet paper down the toilet.

Ahem.  Cultural differences aside.  She quite likes what I did with the space.  Muy, muy bonita.  Thank you.  I like it too.  And it’s all I am responsible to.

So strange.  What is left when I strip away the ideas of who I am and what I do.  The spinster with cats is no longer on my story board.  Neither is caring for everyone and everything to the determinant of my own care.

Learning again and again and again to keep the focus on me.  How do I love on myself today?  Find a massage for tomorrow.  Call Carolyn.  Let my feelings happen.

Take comfort in the compassionate woman at ACC who intook Frankie and was sweet as pie and said what  a handsome boy he was and that they would have no problem placing him.

Thank you.

It is humbling to have these things taken.  My identity.  My thoughts about what I need to be and for whom and what.  I am uncomfortable putting the focus on myself.  But that’s where it must be.

Last night Thea asked me who got me flowers.  I said me.  The she asked, what’s the special occasion?  And I said, without thinking, I love myself.

And what do you know, I found in that moment that I do indeed.  That the constant habit of giving myself nice small things, actually has helped me cultivate an atmosphere of love.  Letting myself have warm blankets, more than one.  A bed that is not a mattress on the floor.  Organic fruits and vegetables.  Clean socks.  Nice lotion.

Small kindness that I always believed you deserved, but me, not so much.  Or if I had something I liked, and you liked it, of course, it’s yours.

I have felt at times, a lot recently, that I also buy my way into relationships.  I want to buy you things when I feel the need to be connected.  To be loved.  Love cannot be bought that way.  I adore doing small gestures for people, but what I find is that often I  feel an obligation to purchase some thing for some one.

And this need pulls the attention off me.  Boy, on some hands, I love, adore, give it to me, drama, adulation, attention.  More, MORE, MORE.


But it is a certain kind of attention.  One that is flamboyant and noisy and rah-rah rah.  Look at me, see the smile pasted on my face, see how wonderful and awesome and cool I am.

Really, I’m not.  I just want you to think that.  So the kind of attention that I am talking about is letting myself discover what it is that I like to do.  And what I can do for myself.  I feel that I have gone over too far to the side where I do nothing for people, to compensate for all that I have done before.

I am striving to find the balance.  To replenish my well.  To better be of usefulness.

For that makes for happiness.

So for the moment, I am shed of yet another thing, my cats, that I believed defined me and who I am.

I am just a girl, in a room, in the Mission.

I Am NOT Setting My Alarm

April 14, 2011

I am sleeping in tomorrow!  I was going to set it, I was going to be all proactive and shit, then I drank a cup of coffee at 7 p.m. tonight and threw all caution to the wind.  Ha!  I have a five-day weekend ahead of me.  I get to sleep in at least one of those days, and perhaps take a nap on another of those days.

Friday, won’t be sleeping in, plane leaves at 10 a.m. for Austin.  Arriving at 4:11 p.m. I will be picked up at the airport by the lovely Lizz and she and her girl friend are hosting me, in the back yard!  She was such a cutie when she called and told me I had a place to stay, albeit loud, albeit in a trailer in the back yard of her girlfriends place.  Are you ok with noise?  Ha!  I’ve been to Burning Man four years in a row, and yes, I’m ok with noise.  I can sleep through most anything.

I stayed in a vintage, and I mean old and slightly decrepit, Airstream last year at Burning Man.  And I tell you what, it rocked.  It was my first year not being in a tent.  Solid.  It looks like I’ll get to stay in it again with Mrs. Fishkin.  Rock on.  So, yes, I have no problem whatsoever staying in a trailer in some body’s back yard in Austin.

Especially, as it occurred to me that although I have insurance, there will still be costs to pay for my upcoming procedures.  I’m probably looking at $500-$600 out of pocket.  I tallied up my money today and it’s doable, the cost of not knowing is worse as far as I’m concerned.  So, it does put a little crimp on my weekend plans, but I still have a little breathing room to have some fun.

Not like the fun I’m going to have is anything like the fun I used to have, nor as expensive!


So, Friday, no sleeping.  And I may be too excited to sleep in on Saturday, and since I have limited time in Austin, I will probably make the most of it I can.  Sunday, absolutely no sleeping in, as my flight out from Austin leaves at 6 a.m.  This is the cost one pays to get a cheap ticket.  I’m not grumbling, I just know that I will need to be up and out of bed way, way, way early.  Or way late, depending on how one looks at it.  I have been just debating staying up all night Saturday.  Liz and her girlfriend are attending some fancy pants wedding, so I may go with them to that.

Or I may find some late night meetings and go out to see some music.  I do feel a little pressed to spend time with Lizz, but a wedding where I don’t know a lot of people, aka any but Lizz, that has an open bar, sounds a little dangerous for me.  So I will probably pass on it.  I’ll be playing the Saturday night thing by ear.

I do know that Saturday day I hope to do a little Farmer’s Market action and a lot of vintage shopping and thrift store delving and, keep those fingers crossed, some boot finding.  I would love to replace my current Burning Man boots with a new pair.  And the money I’m saving on not staying at a hotel could come very in handy for that.  Or I could be a smart monkey and not buy anything in Austin but postcards.  Hmmmm, act like a grown up?

That could be an option.

Sunday, may be the day for nap.  I’ll get into San Francisco, with the time change back, at 7:30 a.m.  Haul my stuff back to my studio, snuggle with cats, siesta.  But that may not happen, as I have a commitment at 12:15 p.m. in the Mission and then meet ups with two people at Four Barrel for coffee and doing the deal thereafter.  And once I’m finished with that I have a play date with the lovely Joan.  Perhaps a rendezvous at the MOMA.

And then we’re at Monday.  So, tomorrow may be it for sleeping in.  Tonight may be it for staying up late and being naughty.

Ie–watching pirated down loads of Glee and Grey’s Anatomy, although is Grey’s does another rip off of Glee I may refuse to watch the episode.  I do not turn into Grey’s for watching them sing.  Please don’t do that to me again.

I had batted about the idea of going out to dance tonight, there’s a really hot show going on in the Mission, but again, once ensconced in my little abode, I am loath to leave.  Calvin and his lady are also headed to a movie at the AMC Van Ness that I could join in for.

Nah.  Just had me a little snack and a cuppa tea.  Grey’s and Glee it is.

And sleeping in!!!!!!!

Postscript–I just realized that I am turning down crazy pants dancing to lie in my bed and watch tv.

Postscript # 2–I just realized I don’t fucking care what you think about that.

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