Posts Tagged ‘possibility’

Looking Forward To Seeing

July 12, 2016

You in Black Rock City!

Welcome home!

But first I need to fleece your wallet.

Fuck me.

$541.10.

Yikes.

But.

Fuck it.

What’s a few bucks?

I would regret it so much if I didn’t go, I’m supposed to be there and there is the off chance I may be given a ticket anyway.

I won’t count on it, that’s a great way to cop a big fat resentment.

But should it happen.

I will sell the one I just bought and use that money to buy myself a nice tent.

That was my compromise to myself when I was looking at the money.

And I have it in savings.

I would have to dip into my prudent reserve, but fuck it.

I am only living once, I want to live it fully.

Besides.

When I think off all the fun that I am going to have.

I mean.

It’s going to be a very different experience for me not working the event.

I mean, what the fuck am I going to do without having something or some kind of job out there define me and my experience?

I might just go to Burning Man for reals.

And although I am not able to go for the full event, I will still be getting four possibly five days of the event to experience.

Which is also more than I have had to experience in years.

Granted I have been up on very long runs, 21, 22, 23 days in a row.

Working always and having very little time off.

Coming back destroyed from the event, exhausted, sick, crazed a little, wondering why I did it again this way.

I’m quite curious to see what it will feel like to be completely autonomous at Burning Man.

To not be on a schedule or tied to camp, to come and go as I please could be really fucking fun.

That’s not to say that I haven’t had fun my other events, I have, I have had a lot of fun, I have also worked my fucking ass off and broken down a few times.

Emotional catharsis is a good thing but it does’t have to be a big burden of the event for me.

I want to go and be free and easy and breezy and light and bright and all things wonderful.

Oh I know.

There’s going to be dust and tiredness and crazy emotional swings, that happens but there is possibility here that I haven’t had before and a kind of joy, such joy, that I get to go.

There a plenty of folks who don’t like the way the event has changed or won’t go anymore or feel like something has been lost, or God, it was better last year, but I don’t feel that way.

I still feel like a kid in a candy shop with a handful of coins ready to buy my hearts desire for a few pennies.

Plus.

So excited to see friends that I really only see when I am out there.

The great big dusty family reunion.

I’ve started taking some actions toward finding a ride.

I did explore the ride board on the event site a little, but I’m hoping to catch a ride within the community of my fellows who are going.

I got one offer, but he was going up days earlier than I and staying all the way through the event.

I suspect I am going to have to get a ride up with one person and get a ride back with another.

Not that many people will be leaving the event Wednesday, and though I don’t want to leave that early, I do have school to be going to and the Mike Doughty concert with my friends Thursday night, and at least the drive out won’t be a grid lock of cars.

I will hopefully get all the dust off me so the audience doesn’t spend it’s time sneezing during the show.

I posted to a couple of camps that I used to camp with and have friends at, but aside from the one offer, nothing more yet.

It will fall into place.

I know it.

And for tonight.

I don’t have to figure it out.

I did the big action, even though I balked for a moment, I took the action, and I bought the ticket and vehicle pass–the taxes and the vehicle pass bumped up the price, the ticket is $390–I’m hoping that I can offer the vehicle pass as incentive to get a ride.

Anyway.

It’s done.

I’m going.

And for the rest of tonight I’ll just be thinking about my outfit for tomorrow night.

I’m going to see Diana Ross!

I got a message asking me if I wanted to go and got me and a plus one and got free tickets and I asked a friend from school and he said yes, so I’ll be heading to the Orpheum Theater tomorrow night after work to see the lovely and supreme Ms. Ross.

I joked with my friend about how big I was going to try and get my hair.

Unfortunately, though, I’ll be arriving via scooter and will have helmet head.

But that won’t stop me from throwing it up in a big messy bun and sticking a bunch of flowers and shiny things in it.

Plus.

Ahem.

My disco platform shoes that I bought in New Orleans?

Oh yes.

Those will be coming out of the closet.

I have to be fabulous.

It’s Diana  Ross for fuck’s sake.

There is not excuse to not be.

In the name of love.

So apt.

So true.

So excited to see my life unfold, big and bright, wild and huge.

A little like Diana’s hair.

Heh.

Luckiest girl in the world.

I’m Done With This Week

April 15, 2016

I know.

I know.

I still have tomorrow to deal with, but it’s just been so off kilter this whole week.

Finding out I basically can’t do Burning Man, that still is surreal.

The losing the keys.

The weird hours and days when I have been at work, but the family hasn’t been there.

The play date I didn’t know about that was an all day play date.

Ugh.

I am done with this week.

Seriously.

One more day and then back to “normal.”

I know, there really is no normal in my life, heh, but, there are schedules and times and routines that I have a longing for.

I’m flexible, but I feel like I have been ultra flexible this week and that it has sort of bit me in the ass.

That being said it was nice to get out of work early tonight and hit up a spot I haven’t been in months and see some familiar faces and get the message I needed to hear and be accountable to my recovery.

Good stuff.

And tomorrow is Friday and Friday does go by quick.

I will be going into work early again and then I’m helping out with a commitment at my normal Friday night spot, I’ll have a little time in between, perhaps a little sit down somewhere, maybe dinner out on my own, or a little snuggle down in a big leather chair in a cafe I like with my not school book book.

I’ve started my reading for the next round of classes but I haven’t really got too far into it since things have been so up and down all this week.

All in my head, mostly, in my heart.

It still seems crazy that I can’t do Burning Man.

Although I did offer the family that I was going to nanny with an option to have me for half the time, but I haven’t heard back and I don’t suspect that it will work for them.

I think I just have to surrender to the idea that this is really not happening for me this year.

I haven’t told the family I work with full time that I won’t be going yet, I guess that’s the next step, but I found myself way too busy and yet with scads of down time–a play date can be a lot of extra work and it can also be an awesome distraction that keeps my charges engaged and busy–to take up the discussion.

I’ll let it play out when it’s appropriate.

Today was not appropriate.

It was really good to see the boys though.

Really good.

“Carmen, Carmen, Carmen, I missed you!” This littlest guy flung himself at me and hugged me fierce and long.

“I missed you too bug, a lot,” I squished him and squeezed him and ruffled his hair and kissed him.

“I missed you too,” I told the older boy who was deep into the Magna tiles when I came in this morning.

He sort of grunted at me and continued playing.

Yet, just a few minutes later when I had hung up my jacket and put my lunch in the fridge and taken care of sorting myself out, he crawled right into my lap and happily let me hug him and catch up and listen to tales of travel and adventures.

It was a very sweet reunion.

I could tell they were actually a little upset that tomorrow is Friday and the last day that they will get to see me before it’s the weekend again.

“But you’ll be back here Monday, won’t you,” the oldest ask with much seriousness.

“Yes, all back to normal,” I said and kissed his face.

Even though change is coming.

Change is always coming.

I keep wondering what I will be doing instead of going to Burning Man.

Will I be sitting in the playground with the boys?

Will I be sitting next to another, friend or lover?

I haven’t spent that time of the year in San Francisco for ten years.

It is a ways off, I don’t have to focus on it, in fact, I don’t want to focus on it.

I have school to do, life to do, recovery to take care of, dating to get on.

Not that I have any other dates lined up.

But I am open to the experience.

I haven’t had any success with Tinder since last week, which was a great success, so I ain’t hating, I’m just interested in having another date.

Doesn’t necessarily have to culminate in what I got to experience last time, but I would like to continue trying and experiencing.

Plus.

It’s nice to be kissed.

Really nice.

My successful assignation hasn’t text me since he’s gotten back in town.  I know he’s back not because I’m stalking the man, thanks, but because the app tells you how near or far a person is.

He’s about seven miles out.

Makes sense.

I’m in the Outer Sunset and he’s, er, heh, seven miles in another direction.

But I’m not interested in pursuing.

He knows my number.

It’s not rejection, not being called, it just means that there’s another door to knock on, or another person to answer to who may be knocking at my door.

I can’t know if I’m turned around and facing the corner focusing on getting what I want.

So often what I want doesn’t serve.

Hey God who do you want me to date next?

Make it obvious ok?

Thanks!

No, really, thanks.

I don’t always pay attention to the obvious clues.

Unless they are married, then oh, I can totally tell.

Ha.

That happened the other night, I was being shined at and it was super flattering until I shined back a little and then realized, oh wait, god damn it, that’s a wedding band.

I usually look for that first.

I mean right away.

I don’t like to flirt with married guys.

It does NOT go well for me.

That’s another blog another time.

I don’t also do well with recently separated or divorced guys, too hot too fast, I tend to be some sort of rebound girl.

“I’m going to be that girl at Burning Man you talk about in stories later,” I laughed and stroked his cheek bones.  He fluttered his eyes open, emerald green and sincere, so, so sincere, and we all believe that sometimes, or I do, don’t I, that sincerest, deep stare straight inside your heart.

“Nope, you are not, you are so much more that that girl at Burning Man,” he said and then tucked curls behind my head, dusty curls, but curls none the less.

“I won’t ever forget this, you, the sacred and the profane, Jesus, you are beautiful,” he turned to face me and I could see the mountains out the camper window dusty, impervious, majestic in the distance, the smudge of playa dust at the bottom a haze of golden shimmer.

I stopped protesting my role in his life, accepted the love being offered and lapped it from his hand like a thirsty woman parched for love in the desert of her high noon soul.

Maybe it’s better I’m not going to Burning Man this year.

But I sure am going to miss it.

Something awful.

Something fierce.

Even though I do believe that Nature, who abhors a vacuum will but something more spectacular in its place, it’s just hard to see it from the welling of tears in my eyes.

This too shall pass.

It always does.

And in it’s place what is always left.

Will remain.

Love.

It is the only thing that fills the vacuum.

It always has.

It always will.

I just don’t know what it looks like.

And that is alright too.

Probably better that I don’t know, I’d try and fuck it up.

Here’s to new possibility.

Dreams.

Adventures.

And always.

Here’s to.

Love.

 

 

 


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