I had an in person session today at my office.
It was good.
It was also good to actually meet this client in person as we have never met in person before.
They started with me during the first shelter in place lock down.
I am coming up on the anniversary of that event.
And having some anniversary feelings.
I remember well the week prior, two years ago, things were playing out in the on again off again relationship I had been desperately trying to figure out for years.
Not playing out well, in the end, that relationship ended.
I still have pangs over that.
Why didn’t he figure it out?
Why couldn’t we make it work?
Why?
Why, I am always reminded is not a spiritual question.
It doesn’t help and knowing why is some sort of balm my brain wants to have to explain away the inexplicable.
It just was.
It just couldn’t work.
I just didn’t work.
And no matter how hard I tried I only got hurt.
I have been thinking a lot about relationships, dating, who I am, what I want.
In some persistent way I have always stowed away this thought of marriage, commitment, partnership.
Yet.
I have never really gotten close.
Despite a former “semi” proposal when I was in my mid-twenties from my one and only really “long term” relationship.
Is five years a long term relationship?
Anyway.
Why marriage?
Why partnership?
Wearing a dress, having a ceremony?
Societal expectations?
Family expectations?
My expectations?
Expectations typically lead to resentments.
I do crave company and touch and physical connection, I’m not going to deny that; but historically marriage is actually not great for women.
In a heteronormative marriage that is.
They work more, care take more, do more of the household labor.
Men actually statistically reap huge benefits being married.
Women not so much.
So why do I want it?
When I think about what I want I think about the physical connection of being with a man, I like closeness and, I hate the fucking wording of this, one of my “love languages” is non-sexual physical touch.
I’m cuddly.
Which the last guy I dated did not provide.
I love sex.
Don’t get me wrong, sex is definitely still a need, that drive is still there at 49, and may it be for some time thank you very much, although a touch softer of a demand then it used to be.
But affection.
I crave affection.
Hand holding, massage, leaning into someone, having my head rubbed.
Sigh.
But does that have to preclude being married?
I mean.
I might be putting the cart before the horse.
Am I shutting myself down from potential connection thinking better do it for the long haul?
Also.
What do I need from a partnership that I’m not already giving myself?
I love to travel, I love my home, I have a great space (when it’s not being invaded by the sonic intrusion of DJ Douche Bag upstairs), I don’t share it with anyone.
Well.
My cats.
They do think they own everything.
I keep my space the way I like it.
I have my schedule the way I like it.
I do my own thing.
What do I think I am missing out on?
What if I wasn’t missing out on anything?
I think some of this is just being really comfortable with my life and starting to find a nicer balance now that I’m not in the PhD mode all the time and have gotten a modicum of space from the last surgery I had and some decent recovery in my body.
Also.
Thank God.
My back is feeling much better.
A very easy weekend, lots of rest, lots of heating pad.
I’m actually using the heating pad right now too.
It is just nice after my day at the office.
I still need to dial a few things in there.
I’m going to pop over to Black & Gold on Valencia and pick up a vintage coat rack I’ve been eye-balling for months.
I could use an alternative set up chargers for my MacBook and a small extension cord by my desk for all the things I need plugged in–not all of my sessions are in person, I still am doing plenty, the majority of my session via video.
And one more hanging plant for my office.
But other than that, it’s such a sweet, welcoming space and I was happy to be there in my sessions today.
I ran five, only one was in person, from my office and one from home this morning.
Tomorrow I will be at home fully, all my sessions are remote.
I will be going in again on Thursday as I have a client that wants to be coming back in person.
This client was one of the last, although not the last, clients I saw in person prior to lock down.
It will have been two years.
I’m so grateful for this small baby step into a different experience with therapy and seeing my clients.
It’s not “back to normal”.
I don’t know if it’s the new normal.
It’s just nice to be getting a little more engagement with the world.
And maybe that’s how I look at dating, partnership, relationships.
Just with some curiosity and lightness and that I don’t have to figure it out.
Figure it out is a shit slogan.
For now.
Everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be.
It always is, truthfully.
I just sometimes get stuck in thinking it would be better if….
If what?
And why wait to be happy, when…
I am happy now.
And that is good enough.
It really is.
Auntiebubba 