Posts Tagged ‘present minded’

No, Not Yet

May 25, 2017

I’m not ready.

And.

It doesn’t matter.

Because.

Tomorrow I start my internship.

Fuck me.

I am still jet lagged, I still keep waking up too early and then rolling around in bed in a half dream state, fantasies and revery keeping me company, but not compelling rest.

So, I got up, sprung up, got ready to go, cleaned my house, striped the bed, washed everything, sheets, pillowcases, duvet cover, swept the floors, swiffered the fuck out of everything, dusted, tidied, wrote, had coffee and still had time before heading to work.

When I got to work I had a full tilt boogie sort of day and I utterly forgot that I had agreed to stay an hour later.

Ugh.

Four o’clock the jet lag hit, would be 1 a.m. in Paris, makes total sense, and I have another coffee and rally and do the nanny dance and I am helpful, but my God, tired.

I had so hoped to be out of it at this point.

I am making myself stay up a little later tonight, even though I am tired, to balance myself back out.

I wasn’t incompacitated, I was just softly out of it.

I got home later than I wanted threw a half assed dinner together as I didn’t have enough time to really heat up the dinner I had planned, and ran back out the door to my Wednesday night commitment.

In between all the coming and going and work and doing the deal I checked my e-mail, maybe mid to late afternoon, I had my phone all day, but not much access to it, I had the baby a lot today at work and the mom worked from home today, then the 7-year-old and the four-year old and the cooking dinner (brown butter poached chicken breasts with tarragon and herbe de Provence, pan sauteed asparagus and zucchini with roasted garlic, quinoa fusili with parmesan and olive oil, baby spinach and strawberry salad with red wine balsamic and crushed almonds) and helping put the kids to bed and nighttime routine and story time and toothbrushing and snuggles and hugs and wait, didn’t I have a big important e-mail to look at?

I did.

And I just can’t even process the e-mail.

I have to be at work early tomorrow.

ARGH.

I can’t hate on it though, the mom gave me Monday off to recuperate and I just get to suck it up and show up and it will be ok.

I just start my internship tomorrow and that was what the e-mail was about.

My key codes, my telephone extension, my keys, my e-mail address.

Holy shit.

People.

I have an office, a key card, key codes, keys, e-mail address.

I am going to be seeing clients.

In my own office.

Starting tomorrow.

Ok.

That’s not true, tomorrow I start, but I won’t have a client, I will have a training and a sit down and a schedule that will be mapped out.

I glanced at the e-mail, I couldn’t give it my full attention at work, there was too much to do, and I didn’t have time to look at it in between getting home from work, throwing some food in my mouth and hustling back out the door.

I just know the gist of it, a new e-mail for clients to get a hold of me, a phone number and extension to my office, that I will get a set of keys and a key card to get into the building.

I will sit down with my supervisor a half hour after I get done with work and hash out my training schedule and when I will start seeing clients.

I know that next Saturday, not this Saturday, I have it off, thank God, I will start my group supervision training although I don’t know exactly what it will entail.

Originally my supervisor broke it down like this: M, TU, 6:30-9p.m. Thurs, Frid, 6:30-9pm. Saturday 2pm-7pm.  I am hoping, however, to get out of Saturdays a little earlier than 7p.m.  Either that or start a little earlier.

I will be switching up my work hours soon too, the kids will be finishing up school in two weeks.

I will start going in earlier and I will work an extra hour, so I will be fully 40 hours instead of the 35 I am now.

And.

Breathe.

And focus on this moment.

I am listening to The Orb.

I am drinking hot Bengal Spice tea.

My house is clean and I get to crawl into fresh sheets.

There is nothing like getting completely naked and slipping into clean, soft, cotton sheets.

Exquisite.

Fresh sheets always make my gratitude list.

I have my candles lit.

There is just this moment, this now, there is nothing wrong, nowhere to go.

Well.

In the next hour I will be going to bed.

But.

I have done all that I possibly could today and I won’t beat myself up for not being able to look at all the details in the three big welcome abroad e-mails I got from my internship.

I will review them in the morning when I have my breakfast and coffee.

After I good full night sleep.

I feel easier for just having written all this out and for knowing that I made it through today and that as long as I take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time, doing the best I can in each moment, then I am taken care of.

I always have been.

God has not brought me this far to be dropped on my ass now.

Suit up.

Show up.

And it will all be fine.

And I have a nice weekend planned.

I’ll do the deal, meet with my people, hang with friends, go to yoga, go to the DeYoung on Sunday and catch the Summer of Love exhibit.

And now.

A spot more tea.

A bit more music.

A winding down.

Brush my teeth, wash my face, tell myself a sweet bedtime story about love and wrap my arms above my head, close my eyes, face in the soft pillow, head turned towards where the moon will set in the morning.

Good night.

Sweetest dreams my friends.

Sweetest dreams.

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It’s The Weekend!

April 1, 2017

No it’s not.

I mean.

Technically, yes, it’s Friday and tomorrow I will get up and go to yoga as I have been doing on the weekends, but instead of having the day to do with what I would, I will be working.

I’m ok with it.

Not thrilled.

But.

Ok.

First.

Let’s be frank.

The extra money is nice.

I just paid rent and I’m not skint, not be a long shot, but I am short and since the whole out-of-pocket dentist deal, I’ve been a little more paycheck to paycheck then I would like to be.

Overall.

There’s nothing to worry about.

And hey.

I just applied for some more student loans!

Yay.

Gah.

So, there’s that.

I decided that I will not sabotage my holiday plans to Paris, I have been saving up for this and I have been holding onto my tax return specifically to go to Paris, to have my ten days and eat them too, drink the cafes, eat the art, walk the streets, wander through the arrondissements, walk the parks, sit and watch the Parisians go by, I deserve this vacation.

I have been working my ass off.

I decided to apply for the summer financial aid that is being offered for my program instead of dipping into my travel fund.

It’s school.

It’s not cocaine.

So.

I don’t want to hear it.

Plus.

My student loans are the only debt I have, I don’t have credit cards or anything outstanding on my scooter–bought that in cash–I have no debt of any kind nor have I in some time, I’m ok with taking out a little more.

I’m paying for it either way and I also realized that though I am ok with paying the therapy once a week out-of-pocket, it would be nice to throw some of my financial aid at that as well, since technically I do have to do it for my degree.

Anyway.

The long and short of it is that I’m not going to live in financial fear, I am going to take care of myself, and the money that I will get for working over the weekend for the family will be nice.

And

Yes.

In cash.

No taxes taken out, thank you very much.

I’m also happy to do it to help out the family, the mom has been so appreciative of my help and flexibility with them, especially with dad traveling for work, that it doesn’t seem that much of an imposition.

Plus.

I have done my school work and I’m pretty much prepped for next weekends classes.

Unusual to have it all done, except for a bit of reading I’ll address next week, and not to have any papers I have to write the weekend before, for which I’m really grateful.

I also know that I will be having fun adventures with my charges, I’m going to get them out of the house and either off to the Academy of Sciences, the Zoo, or the Exploratorium.

We will not be going to the Upper Noe Valley Rec center, as lovely as that can be, we will be having a field trip.

And it’s going to be good weather.

And I will get to yoga before work and go do the deal afterward.

The time will pass and I won’t be doing super long days, just six hours.

I am a little tired, I won’t lie, but I have also paced myself well this week, gotten out to do the deal every night, seen folks, spoken, shared, did service, took care of what needed to be taken care of, shared experience, strength, hope, and got decent sleep all week.

Not bad.

I even got flowers from the mom today at work for doing such a nice job for them this week.

I was totally not expecting that and it was so sweet and touching, I teared up a little.

This job is such a gift.

I am a very lucky girl.

I got smiles from the baby today.

Snuggles from both the older kids.

I got to see my former charges at school pickup.

And.

Ice cream cones with rainbow sprinkles (not for me, but for the kids) from Bi-Rite Ice Creamery.

Vicarious joy.

I had an amazing afternoon start with the mom and solo time with the baby I wasn’t expecting, it was the first time I was left completely on my own with the baby and it felt like a really nice thing, an affirmation of my abilities, but also a trusting and that was nice.

Things are good.

Life is full.

The days are longer, full of sunshine and I feel brighter too.

Certainly more accepting of myself and my process with my job, where I am at with the internship, the fact, god damn, the fucking fact, that I have all the paperwork signed and turned in, that I navigated this deal since December and have it ready to go and that I’ll be starting in summer, a full semester before I need to, that I get to start accruing my hours really soon.

Like.

In two months.

I start my internship May 22nd.

The day after I get back from Paris.

That date is actually for the paperwork, my supervisor looked up at me, pushed his glasses up his nose and said, “well, let’s just put the 22nd down for your start, but I think we’ll start you on the 23rd, give you a day to get over your jet lag.”

Much appreciated.

Damn.

I’m 3/4s of the way through the semester, two weekends of work left, three papers, a bunch of reading, but really, I’m getting there.

Then.

Paris.

So happy I bought the ticket.

My life is a dream.

Especially when I see it through the perspective of the service I get to do, just by showing up and letting others bear witness to my process and journey.

So many gifts.

Life.

Lived.

Moment to moment.

In.

This.

The.

Present.

Is It Bed Time Yet?

May 2, 2016

Good grief.

I am tuckered out.

But in a really good way.

I have officially finished all the reading I have to do for my second semester, first year, of graduate school.

Whoopee!

Now.

Can I please take a nap?

Oh my God.

My brain feels like it might be leaking out of my ears.

I was also going to write my paper for my Multi-Cultural Counseling and the Family, but nope, I ain’t got it in me.

In fact.

I knew I did not have it in me to do anything but read today.

I was um.

Up late.

Heh.

Yeah, the date, well it went smashingly.

I really don’t want to dish here, this is not the place for it, you a girlfriend, you got my digits?

Girl.

I will give you the details.

In not too delicate a manner.

Delicious.

It was a pretty fucking awesome date and I’ll just leave it at that.

And.

Yeah.

I am tired, I didn’t get much sleep, but that silly grin I have had on my face periodically throughout the day has been quite the help.

The sunshine didn’t hurt either.

I got a lot of other things done too.

Since next weekend is my last weekend of classes–it does not mean school’s out for summer, I will still have a couple of papers to write–I wanted to make sure that my ducks were in a row and my space clean and tidy.

I did lots of laundry, went grocery shopping, made food for the week and for the weekend of classes, put fresh sheets on the bed, ahem, and as I said, the aforementioned hours and hours of reading.

I thought briefly about going to yoga, but honestly, I was too beat and I had a plenty of physical exertion yesterday anyway.

Ahem.

I did yoga, people, hello.

And other things.

Giggle.

So instead of getting up to go to yoga I got up and did the deal and met with a ladybug and then all the other things that I needed to do so that I will be able to smoothly transition through the week of work into the weekend of school work.

I also did my background check for school, made a doctors appointment for the week after classes lets out, and called my mom.

Hey.

I try.

I may be tired.

I may not have written the paper I had planned on writing today, but at least I wrote my morning pages.

Wouldn’t you just like to read that?

That’s where all the juicy stuff is.

Heh.

I am so tempted to write about it, but despite my nudge, nudge, wink, wink, intimations of events, I sort of want to keep this one private, to myself, enjoy it all for me.

That thought, that one thought that pops up and traipses through while I am working on something or doing a chore or I don’t know, brushing my teeth and I get a little giggly and silly, that, that’s all mine.

I am only sharing that with a select few.

Suffice to say.

I am a wee bit smitten.

Tinder.

Who the fuck knew?

Anywho.

Yeah.

Tired.

A little discombobulated with the day, the sunshine, the left over effects of the date, the amount of reading I did for school, and the thoughts for the paper I have to write and present for class this upcoming weekend.

I’m pretty ok with the presentation part.

I’m good at public speaking.

I certainly have done it enough.

Although I do find school speaking a touch different than my experiences with speaking in front of other groups over the last eleven years, and let me also not forget or downplay all the debate, forensics, and academic work I did in middle school, high school, and undergrad.

I could get up in front of my class right now and present my paper.

Even though I haven’t written it.

I do have all the readings and relevant research done.

I know what I am going to write on.

I just don’t have enough cohesion in my brain pan to give it the proper due it’s, well, due.

I did contemplate writing it when I finished with the reading and had a bite of dinner.

I could get it done, still write my blog, and…

Really?

Why?

Why push myself that hard?

If my date yesterday showed me anything, it was how important it was to stay in the moment, to be present, it was one of those days that went by with such ease and effortlessness, it felt like it was sort of in a time space continuum, the time got melty and malleable and so much happened it seemed to encompass more time than it actually did.

Though.

Let me be honest.

It was a long date.

One that I gave myself complete and total permission to enjoy.

It was enjoyed.

Let me assure you.

And when I did have thoughts try to sneak in, “hey, remember, you have that paper to write and all that reading to do?”

I turned down the volume and brought my attention to what was right in front of me.

Being in the present is such a gift.

Duh.

That’s why it’s called the “present.”

Heh.

Seriously though.

I feel like I have accorded myself with much aplomb and though I did not get to all the work, I got to so much of it that I feel completely fine saying I can take off the rest of the night.

Drink some tea.

Get my Game of Thrones on.

Sleep.

I’ll be yoga’ing it up in the morning, already signed up for the 10 a.m. class and working at 1p.m. to 8p.m. then covering a commitment at 8:30 p.m.

I’ll write the paper Tuesday before work.

Get up early, rehash the readings I did, and write it out.

I’m quick with the keyboard and I know what I have to say about the topic, it’s just a matter of letting it out of my head.

As for now.

The gift is being present to go to bed early tonight.

I have some beauty rest to catch up on.

Wink.

Luckiest girl in the world.

Just saying.

 

 

On The Path

December 2, 2015

And I keep on keeping on.

I just registered for my second semester of graduate school.

Hard to believe that I am rounding the bend into the home stretch of the first semester.

It felt odd to be registering for the next semester when it feels like there is still so much of this one left.

That being said.

There’s not really that much more.

I have one more weekend of classes and a final project presentation.

The presentation is the thing I need to focus on next, but I’m still finishing up some of the reading.

I am not going to fret about it.

It will get done.

It always does.

One moment at a time and the work will get done.

I was thinking about that as I deposited a check to my account and immediately pulled a bunch of money out to put into a Christmas card for my Parisian friend who bought my tickets to the ballet at the Garnier Palace Opera House in Paris for the show on the 23rd of this month.

Imagine.

In 22 days I will be in a box seat with people I love watching the ballet in Paris.

In 19 days I fly out of SFO to Paris.

In 17 days it’s my birthday.

December is a big month.

And of course, that final school weekend, that I mentioned already, is December 10th-12th.

I am almost there.

Yet it all seems so far away.

I suppose once the last paper is turned in and I have done the final project presentation I will feel it.

Until then.

It all feels rather surreal.

Like I’m treading water and swimming a million miles a minute all at the same time.

It reminds me of something I read this morning before work, in my Human Development reader about death and how having some knowledge of it makes life that much more rewarding and richer.

That awareness of the present moment being the moment to most focus on.

I can’t see much past what is happening, Paris, et al, as I am so focused on living right here, right now.

It is also an assurance to my mental sanity when I stay in the present.

So many things can go wrong in the future.

Or.

There’s just the fantasy of the future, if this than that, if I wear this will he like it more than that, if I do this will she like me, if I work harder I can do this….

Blah, blah, blah.

It’s just a way to be out of the magic of what is happening right now.

For instance.

Despite being alone tonight.

I am not lonely.

I have some Chet Baker on the stereo.

I have some tea in a mug.

It’s delicious tea.

I have tickets to Paris–my friend got hard paper tickets and they came in the mail today!

I’m going to Paris!

Ahem.

The candles are lit and the air is perfumed.

There are snow flakes hanging from the antlers in the corner and the heater is blowing warm air into the studio–it’s been cold!

There are pretty pictures on my walls, my bed is made, my house is clean, I am registered for classes, friends reached out today and texted me sweet messages.

I enrolled with a friend in my cohort and we managed to get three out of five classes together.

Excellent.

There are many more things that I can reflect on right in front of me.

The photo of my sister and I when we were five and three.

In fact, that’s a thought I keep having, blow it up and frame it and send to my mom for Christmas.

I don’t think she has any other copies of the photo.

I have Christmas cards ready to be written.

Oh!

And if you want a post card from Paris, do let me know, I’ll send one.

Sending postcards has to be one of my favorite things to do, the perfect souvenir, I have postcards that I have sent myself from all over the world.

Rome.

London.

Paris.

Burning Man.

New York.

San Francisco (yes, I do send myself postcards from San Francisco–if it’s somewhere I have never been and I am having an experience I like to document it–heck I send cards to folks that live just down the street).

It’s the thing to do.

Staying here.

Staying in the moment and being kind to myself.

As I was reading school work a bit before I started writing the blog and I realized that I wasn’t really retaining the information.

Sometimes that happens.

So.

I stop.

And refocused and got into the present.

Which is where all the gifts are.

That’s why it’s called the “present.”

Mwhahahaha.

Anyway.

The point being that it’s a night for a little extra self-care, a shower, a snuggle with a cozy blanket, the rest of a French movie my dear Parisian friend suggested–Blue Is The Warmest Color.

I like to watch French movies before I travel to Paris.

It helps with getting the language back into my ear.

French music too.

All the things French.

All the things.

I’m pretty happy right now.

Yes.

I am a touched stressed, there is work to do, but I see it all happening and I know how lucky I am to be doing what I am doing, where I am doing it, and getting to do all the things.

Because.

Ultimately.

I do all the really important things.

If you haven’t figured out what that is yet.

We can have a little talk one on one.

Heh.

Otherwise.

It is safe to say that my life is a miracle.

And I don’t have to be on my deathbed to see it.

I just have to stay.

Present.

 

Off Kilter

May 3, 2014

Not a lot.

Just a little.

But sometimes it is that little bump under the carpet, the molehill, not the mountain, that makes me worse in my membrane than the big stuff.

I can handle the big stuff.

I can’t really put a finger on it, aside that there’s some change coming down the turnpike, when isn’t it, and I am uncomfortable with it.

I have been sitting on some stuff and need a little action and got as irritated as I could stand today.

I jumped out of my skin when I got a text from a friend about brunch tomorrow.

I can’t make it, I hollered in my head.

It’s a ladies brunch and clothing swap that I said yes to weeks ago.

I want to see the ladies going, doubt I will find any clothes that work for me, but you never know, but at the same time, I cringe at being social.

I like the women who are there, I just don’t know them all that well, and I am so prone to isolating and not getting myself out there, that when I got a text from the host lovingly inquiring if I was coming, I stalled and said, maybe.

But it felt wrong to not go and I knew it and when I spoke of it to another friend, she said, “these are your people!  Go have fun!”

And she’s right.

I am just feeling tender and vulnerable and when that happens, when my routine is a little off, it was today, I rode my scooter to work, then the change is uncomfortable, even if it’s good and I get the creepy crawlies and have a hard time staying in the moment.

However, nannying a frisky 15 month old boy who has just gotten the hang of walking, flying is next, there is nowhere to be but in the present.

I wanted to be all over the place, all over the map, at least in my head.

I was in Wisconsin.

I was at Burning Man.

I was applying for a new job.

I was staying in the current job.

I was in a relationship.

I was single.

I could have thrown my head off my shoulders and happily accepted a cantaloupe from the IGA in exchange for some quiet.

I did enjoy my day with my charge, we walked all over the Mission and went to three different parks–Kid Power Park, Mission Pool and Play Ground, and the Eureka Valley Rec Center.

I made up for not exercising on my bicycle by walking a lot today.

The fog came in, as it does, when it’s hot, and this morning I poked my head out and decided that I was still going to ride the scooter in to work.

It turned out to be just fine, although, my front tire, again, felt low on air.

I am wondering if I have a slow leak.

I will be inflating it before heading off to Tart to Tart tomorrow and then onto the ladies clothing swap and brunch.

The ride into work took about 30 minutes.

15 less than on my bicycle and much less sweaty.

I am usually drenched on my bike rides up to Noe and 19th from out here at Ocean Beach, the commute distance is a little over six miles.

Next week I am working almost exclusively in the Castro, I plan on riding in on the scooter all week.  The only day I am not working in the Castro is on Thursday when I will be in the NOPA and I will ride my bicycle in as then I won’t have to worry about parking.

The family in Cole Valley is out-of-town and I won’t be in Cole Valley at all.

That could be part of the discomfort, the change of venue for work, it does make things different.

I would like to recognize that I am trying to figure it out here and I know that’s not the solution, figuring it out, got to let that go and just have the fucking feelings.

What ever they are, hey you, feelings, you are allowed to happen, I promise, no one’s looking.

I got a phone call at work today from someone who was having a hard day and grieving a loss and I was so thankful she called I almost felt gleeful, not at her news, but just that I had some experience to share and for a hot minute could stop thinking about myself.

It’s the thinking that gets me down.

It’s a doom machine up between my ears.

I remember the first time I read Tolkien and he wrote about the sound of the Orcs marching and doom, doom, doom, the beat of the drum; it was like someone plucked the fear right out of my head and put it on paper, I was startled to see it there in the book, the sound of my own terror.

I was ten when I read that and recognized it, the sound of fear come marching.

I have lived with fear all my life and at least I can see it when it’s happening.

I don’t have to pay it attention.

I do, in certain cases, it’s really important to have a healthy fear of riding my Vespa, I have to be much more alert to the traffic then automobile drivers, and the fear makes me sharp.

But I don’t need to listen to the doom in my head.

That dulls me down and it’s just repetitious noise that can usually be drowned out when I am helping someone else.

Thus the relief when I got a call from another person needing help.

Yes, please, let me lend you an ear, and yes, please, let’s meet up.

I need that too.

I will be meeting some folks tomorrow.

I will walk through the silly fear, whatever it is, and let it happen and not be consumed by it and let myself have whatever uncomfortable feelings that are beckoning to me.

If I have them, they tend to ease up and go away.

If I stifle them, or ignore them, it gets worse.

Too much time, too much work to give up that easily.

At least not today.

Not when I finally feel better.

Because, this works too, my little evening inventory of my day.

One thousand words or so and I feel better.

Not a bad way to end my day.

Finally out of the fear soup.

Just nestled into the fog, not struggling with it.

Ah, yes, that.

Ha.

Surrender.

Yup.

That’s what I was looking for.

Thanks for putting up with me while I figured that out.

Heh.

 

 


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