Posts Tagged ‘radical self-reliance’

Fully Self-Supporting

July 25, 2016


Motherfucking adulting.

I did it.

I just bit the bullet, had some faith, looked over the facts and decided it was time to put on my big girl pants and grow the fuck up.

I bought my shit for Burning Man.

Enough with the asking all my friends who aren’t going or who might not go if they have spare gear.

It’s about time I had the essentials.

I know I will be going to Burning Man again after this year, sort of in my blood you know, and I might as well have my own solar shower and blow up mattress.


A tent.

Camp pillows, since I’m not sacrificing the ones on my bed.

No way, no how.

An extra storage bin since I think I had one go kaput last burn.

A small cutting board.

A folding camp chair.

Tennis balls (Hello Kitty pink tennis balls!) for capping rebar stakes on my tent–a four man tipi canvas tent.  Rebar I didn’t order online, I’ll go to a hard ware store or Home Depot and get six maybe eight lengths of 12″ rebar to stake my tent to.  Then I’ll slice open the tennis balls and cap the ends of the rebar, one walking into rebar in the middle of the night on the way to the potty scar on my leg is enough.

Some more bike lights.

Because one really can’t have enough of the blinky blink on your bike, it’s nice to be seen and they’re also handy for when you’ve parked the bike and wandered off to explore and holy shit there’s a hundred bikes here, where’s mine?

Which is also why I have a pennant flag on the back of my bike as well.

A head lamp.


I finally have succumbed.  I have never had a head lamp and inevitably at some point I think to myself, why didn’t I get a head lamp, it would so come in handy at this moment while I’m looking for something in the dark and second guessing what bin I put what in.

A flash light.

A Hello Kitty flashlight.


Hello Kitty.


And last but not least.

A pair of bunny slippers.


Bunny slippers.


There was this moment today when I was doing my morning writing, after having done my morning yoga and hot shower, and now here’s breakfast and coffee.

When I realized.

You know, Martines, you could do this thing without having to beg, borrow, or steal your friends stuff.

You could oh, say, have faith that you have enough.

I have begun having nightmares about my financial aid package from school and not being able to afford my next year of grad school.

Which is just baloney.

And the $500 I dropped on supplies will be only a teeny tiny drop in the bucket should  I not get the aid package I’m counting on.


It’s all fucking fear and fear ends up driving too many of my decisions and I realized that I had to let go to get moving on and allow myself to take care of myself.

I can do this.

I know what to get, I know what to bring, I know what I need to have and what is nice to have.

I also sat down and actually read the survival guide.

I haven’t done that in years.

In fact, I have not been given a survival guide in years, as I have worked and usually what I get is the ticket handed to me, which is a gift, but I have’t had a survival guide in the last five years or a What, Where, When.

I’m getting all the goodies this year.

I’m a tourist yo.

That’s not to say I won’t be of service.

I will.

I will do all the things and bring my best self and not have expectations about what I can get from the event, but what can I bring, what can I contribute?

If I go into it with that mental attitude I know I will have a great experience.

And being beholden to no one for their gear, not responsible for making sure I don’t wreck it or break it or give it back so dusty they sneeze for the next year.


All my own stuff.

All my own responsibility.


That’s not to say I don’t still need help.

I do.

I do.

I need to find out if the possible ride offer up is an actual thing that could happen.

I need to find a ride back as well.

To that end I posted on the Burning Man ride board this evening after dinner before I went out to do the deal.

Taking action.

Letting go of the results.

I mean.

I’m going.

Even if I don’t have a secured ride back.

I’m going.

I’ll get back.

Just like I will get there.

I also figured out my food plan for the event and actually prepped and froze half of my meals.

I am going pretty basic and simple and I can eat it cold or heat it up if I want to.

I’m having the same thing all four days, makes it simple for me, I don’t bore easily and I make tasty food, I’m also a creature of habit with my food and that helps to no end.

Breakfast will be a serving of Uncle Sam Flax cereal–which is basically just toasted unground golden flax–as well as some raw almonds, and a cut up apple with sea salt, nutmeg, and cinnamon, as well as some unsweetened vanilla almond milk.

Lunch and dinner will be the same thing: Italian vegetable and ground chicken stew with turmeric and Italian herbed brown rice.  The stew is made from sauteed onions, garlic, ground chicken meat, sliced black olives, mushrooms, zucchini, roasted white corn with sun dried tomatoes, and a large can of crushed organic tomatoes, sea salt, pepper, oregano, basil.  I mixed in the herbed brown rice with the stew and put it up in single serving containers in my freezer.

I’ll pull one out of the cooler in the morning to thaw and that will be lunch, and then leave one out for dinner.  They’ll also act as ice for any bevvies I want to keep cool.

This meal will be accompanied by raw carrots and sea salt and an apple for dessert.

My evening snack: raw almonds, 1/2 an oz, and 1 apple.

Done, done, done, and super freaking easy.

I also ordered some cold brewed organic coffee concentrate.

Iced coffees with unsweetened vanilla almond milk.

All day long bitches.

Aside from that.

I need a pair of aviator sunglasses.

I’m not taking my retarded expensive prescription sunglasses to Burning Man.

No fucking way.

A $20 pair or two of aviator’s and the rebar and maybe some work gloves.


Definitely some work gloves.

So what I have left is a run to Cole Valley Hardware for rebar and work gloves.

Sunglasses I can get anywhere.

Message my friend who has my old quilt, that’s my bedding, plus the set of cheap sheets I got for the air mattress and a couple of fuzzy throws I have.

And maybe my hot pink bunny pillow.


Pink bunny.

Ah, Burning Man.

Where I can be tough and capable and fully self-supporting.


Also wear hot pink glitter lipgloss and have bunny slippers.

Something for all the parts of me that need to be expressed.



Sparkle pony.

The man burns in 40 days!

Not that I’ll be there for the burn.

But whatever.

I’m set.


Luckiest girl in the world.


Crunch Time

August 9, 2014

This is it folks.

My last weekend before I head out.

Which means that I get it all done this weekend or it won’t get done.

Not that I have a whole lot of things left to do, a few errands, the optometrist tomorrow for contacts being the biggest one, but the niggling little things that need to be taken care of that I can’t really do other than this weekend.

Plus there’s the getting in to see everyone that I need to see before I leave.

I met with one of my lovies tonight, who came into the city from Moss Beach and brought her amazing little dog, a red Boston Terrier, with her and picked me up from my gig in the Castro and drove us over to Waller and Masonic to get right with the Universe.

Then out to the beach.

Literally, we had to park way out, there’s Outside Lands happening in Golden Gate Park and my little neighborhood was overrun with cars.

We found a spot after much circling and adjourned to the Thai Cottage and caught up over Tom Kha coconut soup with lemon grass and prawn;  chicken satay and pumpkin curry with chicken and brown rice.  So good.

It was such a lovely way to end my week.

A week of much ups and downs and some second guessing on my part.

Days of wondering what is the right thing to do and how do I move forward with work.

Today, this morning, specifically, I just felt horrible, like I had messed things up, made things complicated, trying to appease everyone and make the situation work for the entire world and I realized that I don’t need to figure out anyone else’s needs.

Just my own.

41 fucking years old and I still am trying to figure out what other people need so that I can respond accordingly and appease all outside sources.


But I recognized it and for that I was grateful and though I spent more time than I would like ruminating on the situation, I finally left it alone and focused more and more on what was happening in my day and I reached out to a lot of people, made phone calls and asked others how they were doing.

Man, does that help.

Not focusing on me.

Because there is nothing to worry about and when I am anxious over things I can’t control I just ruin my day right away.

I practiced by being as happy in the moment as I could be.

I wore my headphones into work and listened to upbeat music and even sketched a little dance move on the last block to work.

I danced in my studio last night.

Not very hard.

Not with complete abandon.

But as if no one was watching and I was happy.

It felt so good to move a little, to sing, to listen to music and feel buoyed up by it.

I tried to keep that a recurring theme in my day.

Just move a little, laugh a little, love a little.

Or a lot.

It was my last Friday with my little guy who is heading off to pre-school.

We will have more days together, next week for sure, but this was our last solo day and I was so happy to have a day with just him and be sweet and snuggly and laugh with him.

His sense of humor just makes me roar out loud laughing.

One might think I am a little insane with it, but it does my heart good to laugh like that.

And I ran a few errands with him since I was in the Castro and picked up a couple of toiletries that I still needed to round out my supplies for the playa.

I went over my accounts, my check book, my inventory of what few things there are left to procure and made sure that the rent and the phone would be covered and I would still have something left for groceries through the week before I leave.

I need to pay the rent before I go and I also need to ask my landlord to water my plants.

I still wish I had been able to Air BnB my studio and offset my rent for the month, but oh well, I am just glad I have a place to come home to and a place to live in San Francisco.

And grateful I get to go out to Burning Man again.

It really is a great gift and I hope that I will bring my services to bear well there.

I also found out that my first playa bunny will be there pre-event for a few days with her folks and I get to have a Junebug reunion!  I am over the moon to hear that the family will be there and I can’t wait to see her, it’s been almost a year–last year’s Decompression Party in the Dogpatch, I believe.

Crazy that this will be my 6th year on playa as a nanny.

Six years.

And my 8th Burning Man.

I am a lucky girl.

I really am.

So, I don’t mind the crunch time coming, it’s all falling into place and my ducks are in a row.  The logistics of getting here to there and all the little self-care things I need to do for myself as I wind down to the final countdown of days, are in place.

The event focuses on radical self-reliance, which for me means focusing on radical self-care.

Many of my friends are going this year, but I won’t be having the same experience, nor will I have the ability to wander off into the playa and be a goofball with no conception of responsibility.

I have to be on my game to nanny.

That self-care that I do is brought into high focus out there.

I don’t stay out late.

I get up early.

I write.

I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at pretty regular hours.

I shower as often as I can.

I nap as often as I can.

I eschew a lot of the experiences that folks go to the event to be a part of.

But that’s ok.

I am a quiet, small piece of how the event gets to be what the event gets to be for so many folks.

I am part of the support staff to the people who need to manage the people who put together the event.  It’s a really lovely thing for me to know, that I get to help, in my own quiet small way, by doing what I do as a nanny to that the organization can put on one of the most amazing events in the history of the United States and of my time.

It’s an honor.

One I prepare for with diligence.

One I am just about ready to go get it on.

It’s crunch time folks.

T-minus six days.


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