Posts Tagged ‘rehearsal’

Jam Packed

December 1, 2017

And now.

Just chilling in my bunny slippers.

It’s been a busy week and I can’t believe tomorrow is Friday.

I mean.

I’m hella happy it’s Friday, it just seems incredulous to me that the end of the week is almost here.

Of course that speaks to the amount of things that I have been juggling.

Just a few things.

Practicing my lecture for the People Who Usually Don’t Lecture series.

They posted my headshot today and the nicest write-up.

I was really quite taken with what they wrote about me.

It was really flattering.

They took the bio I sent them yesterday and extrapolated it and made it more personal somehow and also a bit more polished.

It was nice to see it and I shared it to my social media.

It’s going to be interesting whatever happens as I will be getting quite a bit of exposure from it, I’ve been dark on my blog for months now, since May, nearly seven months, for the sake of working with my therapy client, so this will be a kind of exposure I haven’t had in months.

I’m reconciled with it.

I doubt, highly doubt that any of my clients will stumble on this, despite social media and it’s far reach, but the video will be posted to YouTube and I do wonder about that.

Then again.

I’m not that fucking special.

Although my supervisor forewarned me that there will come a time that as a therapist I will have a client stalk me.


Thanks for the cheery news.

I didn’t share with him that I have been stalked before.

I’m not sure how I would take it a second time.

I’m sure, though, that I will respond to it far differently.


I’ll be out in the public eye for a moment and then something else shiny will be in the eye of the public and my ten minutes of fame will dissolve into the ether.

I’m excited to do it and have the experience.

I think that’s the biggest thing, it’s a cool experience to get to have and I’m excited for that.

I like experiences.

I’ve had an idea vaguely growing in the back of my mind that I may have to take a little mini road trip in my new car once I clear the hurdle of the semester.

Maybe go see some lighthouses.

Drive down the coast.

Just a little jaunt.

I think that could be a lot of fun.

I don’t however, have much room in my head for figuring that out.

I’m just trying to make it through the next seven days until I hit my last weekend of classes.

I have plenty to do in that seven days.

I’m going to knock out the rest of the online stuff and get at least one of my papers written this weekend as well as crafting the worksheet I’m going to hand out to my classmates in my Transpersonal Psychology class as part of my final group projects.


I hate group projects.

I got a bit overwhelmed with one of the people in my group over the last couple of days and I realized this morning after reading another text that I was just being anxious and that I could respond with kindness and just let her know I was doing my best to manage my overwhelm, that I would contact her regarding the project, but she was going to have to wait until Sunday.

And it all worked out and after some more messaging later today, it feels like it’s coming together and I’m going to be ok.

What with the rehearsal I have resigned myself to not getting all the paper writing done that I was hoping to get done, but I will finish at least one of my papers and hopefully get a good start on the second.

I also, note to self, still have to write-up a dream for Jungian Dreamwork, not a hard thing, but a two pager that still has to be done.

And that needs to be done before class as well.

The final paper for that class is due the 15th of the month.




It’s December.

How the hell did that come up so fast?

I have decided one thing though.

I will let myself get my Christmas tree when I finish and turn in my Jungian Dream Work final paper.

That will be incentive.

And it will be a fun thing to reward myself with when I am all done with the semester.

I had briefly entertained the idea of getting the tree this upcoming weekend, but no way, too fucking busy.

Then I thought.

Maybe when I wrap up classes for the semester, next Sunday.

But then.

I realized that it would be the best feeling if I did it when I had absolutely nothing hanging over my head and that won’t be until I hand in every last piece of work that the semester is demanding.


The tree.

It makes it more special.

It will be a way to mark the end of classes and a sweet way for me to celebrate.

I can almost smell the evergreen now.


Three final papers.

One dream reaction paper.

Finish my online portion for Psychopharmacology.


Do the final project presentation work.

Just a few things standing in between me and that Christmas tree.

But no worries.

I will get it done.

I always do.


Hot Mess

June 26, 2011

Today’s performance, my performance, was just that, a hot, greasy, mess.  I felt like left over sloppy joe with american cheese melted off the side.

I kid you not.

I can pin a number of things on it, or place the blame directly where it belongs, on my shoulders.  I did not sleep as long as I needed and I got up way too early.  I wanted a hot shower.  I got one, but at what cost?

I can function on five hours of sleep, I did today, I have done so in the past, but what I cannot do is function on not enough food and hydration.  I did not keep pace with my water today, but I certainly did with my coffee.  I think I totally depleted my reserves.

I drew a complete and under blank during the run through this afternoon.  It was hideous.  It is not a feeling I ever want to experience again.  I got a hefty dose of humility today.  I had to lean heavily on my cast members.  Fortunately they were there for me.  I don’t know how we all came together, but we did.

It felt like we were plodding through the production.

I take that back.  I cannot speak for anyone else’s feelings, only my own.  I felt like I was plodding through the production.  However, we still got a standing ovation.

The audience was kind.  The cast was a bit more judgemental, but gently so.  I think we all were feeling tired from the journey.  I did have some lovely moments of bonding with the cast and I am supremely grateful for that.

I am my own harshest critic.  I know that, so I will take my performance with a grain of salt.  I know that last week was better.  I know that I can actually do better than this week and last week.  I am actually looking forward to doing it again.  And I would like to have a good nights sleep when I do it.  I would like to be in my normal eating routine and not piecing together weird hodge podge food.

I will say this, no offense folks, but I saw some way creepy body shit in this town today.  Women that were so tiny and sucked in and skeletal that I actually gasped audibly a few times.  Fake boobs I was ready for and saw, plastic surgery, botox, enhanced this and that.  But the teeny tiny skinny women and young girls I saw freaked me out, I was actually shocked.  And I suppose I knew, but I did not know.

I am so glad to be a different place.  I am so grateful for the beautiful body I have been given.  Even with its “flaws” I have accepted myself and I do not think I could actually do what women do to compete in this town.  I just wanted to hug a few of the girls and let them know they really did not have to go to such lengths.  It was really disturbing to be honest.

L.A. is not my town.  And that is kind of a relief to know.  I got to trash the few fantasies I had about being “discovered” and realize that I have absolutely no desire to live here.  I was even told by a professional SAG actor that I am a natural, but I don’t think I could pursue a career here in L. A. I love me some San Francisco.

And, maybe that’s all that I needed to see about this trip and this experience, once again it has been affirmed the San Francisco is my home.  It is the place I will keep returning to.  It is the place that I belong.  It is the place I want to come home to.

San Francisco, I hella heart you big big.  Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.



June 4, 2011

Once again, I have bitten off more than I can proverbially chew.  I was absolutely in over my head today at rehearsal.  I actually cried after reading my lines.  Billy so sweetly offered to run lines with me any time and I had no response to that other than to cry.  I have no time. I have once again packed my days so full of stuff that I can barely breathe.

I don’t intentionally set out to do this, it just seems to happen.  I guess I’m so afraid of unscheduled time that I fill my days up as full as I can.  Then again, I had not planned on orchestrating a move at the same time as memorizing my lines for the play.  And of course, I’ve been trying to memorize the lines on my own, and humbling enough, I got to have it pointed out, once again, that I cannot do it on my own.

I still forget this very vital lesson.  I cannot do it on my own.  Nor should I be allowed to do it on my own.  I get myself into some precarious situations and the whole world seems to fall apart and I’m left literally banging my head.


When I get stressed I get this weird tension head ache and the only relief for it seems to be knocking my head with the knuckles of my fist to loosen up the muscle.  One of the women at the rehearsal saw me doing this and was like, hey honey, don’t beat yourself up.  Uh, yeah, when do I learn that lesson?  Because this is not exactly the way I want to live.  And I know that some times I feel as if I frittered away so much precious time that I need to make up for it and go, go, go.  But the truth is, I need to actually do the opposite.

I need to stop and relax and get myself centered.  I have given myself extra meditation time the last two days, pause to pat self on shoulder.  Because even after doing my writing at work, I found myself a little unsettled.  So both today and yesterday I took an extra ten minutes to sit and just let myself be still.  Yesterday I actually nodded off for a second at work sitting straight up in a chair in front of my pile of journals and books and scripts.  It also didn’t help matters that I went into work a half hour early today–mom had an interview to go to.

And then the mom says, oh you can go early, but she does not actually corroborate this with the dad, who, horror of horrors, doesn’t want to feed his daughter because she is so difficult to feed.  So pops gets home early today, plays with K. for a few minutes, passes her back off to me and then goes and holes up in his room.  I actually am not resentful about this as he’s been away for the week on some crazy work project, but it does throw a loop in my routine and I end up not sitting down to eat my dinner and feeling rushed trying to get things done so that all is ready to go when I need to be out the door and I’m trying to run my lines and, and, and, oh good lord.

My “solution” to the madness is to try to cram more crap into my day.  For example, leaving work, depositing my check to my bank, and going to TJ Maxx to look for a duvet cover in the scant fifteen minute window of time I have before I need to be at rehearsal.  This is insanity.  At least I could recognize it as I was trying to pick out something I could buy to provide me with a little retail therapy.  Thing is, I know it doesn’t work.  I forced my self to put down the throw pillow I did not need and to let go of the idea of doing anything but getting on my bike and getting to rehearsal.

Part of all of this is my desperate need for perfection.  I don’t often let myself show up not knowing how to do something.  I feel at a distinct disadvantage as I have no acting experience and I’m walking in late to a production that has been going on for a few years now.  I can’t be perfect.  I did the best I could and tried to let go.  Tried.  Oh, wait, cried.

Thank god, I had the where withal to not wear eye liner today.  It would have been all over my face.  It was a bit of a relief though, when I let myself admit it.  Sort of like letting go a little pressure valve.  And it gave me the humility, which once again I find that I had foolishly asked for early this week, what was I thinking, to ask for help.  And to accept help.

Nikki is going to run lines with me for an hour at Four Barrel on Sunday amidst all the comings and goings of folks that I will be seeing.  And Billy gave me her number and demanded that I help her practise.  She has so many lines, I could not even fathom having her part.  I don’t know how actors do it.

I once thought that acting was some glamorous cool thing.  No more.  It’s hard fucking work.  Frankly I prefer to just be a nanny at this juncture.  I will however, keep showing up and just do this thing moment by moment.  The move will get done and the studio will get cleaned and everyone I need to meet will be met with and I will eat and sleep and take care of myself.

And get tattooed!  I keep forgetting about that.  I almost cancelled it a few times today.  But the act of sitting still for a few hours, albeit painful ones, will probably be the best thing for me.

There, and now my blog is done.  And I have some tea and some cats to snuggle with.  And it’s not yet midnight.  There’s actually an hour left in my day.  Perhaps a little music and a little futzing about in my new apartment.  Nothing serious though, I had delusions of grandeur earlier this week about taking apart and assembling my bed when I got home tonight.  Bah ha.  That’s funny, Martines, go smoke another one.

Easy does it, there, young one.  It’ll all get done on in the time it’s suppose to.  No sooner, no later.  Just have to let go of the reins and breathe.


May 3, 2011

Whew.  I just took my wall calendar down and started marking up the month of May and some days in June.  It looks like I will be a very busy monkey for the next two months.

I let my ego get in the way of my keyboard.

I recently received an e-mail asking me if I would consider taking a small part in a play that is being performed locally for a few runs and in LA, for one night.  My first response was, about time I got asked!  Then my next thought was, no, nope, no, thanks, but no thanks.  The next thought, a quiet, sneaky one that just crept in through a side door–who left that door open?  Said, “hmmm, well, maybe.  Depends on what the schedule looks like”.

And as it turns out, the rehearsals and the performances, two, possibly three, all happen to coincide with times I actually have available.  So, without much more thought, I shot back an e-mail and said yes.

What the fuck was I thinking?  Yes, the dates are free, but now I have a walloping amount of my Fridays and Saturdays spoken for in the months of May and June.  And, duh, I have to memorize lines.  In what time?

Fuck my mother.

Not literally, please.

Ugh.  The first rehearsal is this upcoming Friday and I have not memorized the lines.  I have printed off the script and I have high lighted my lines.  And like a dumb ass, I also said recently,  “sure, I can help out with that part too”.  At the time I was asked, last Sunday, I thought, what ever, I’m already committed, I can play another small part.  No biggie.

Duh, jack ass, more lines to memorize.


I have taken the time to read through the part a few times and I have seen the play performed twice, no, I think three times, so I’m familiar with how it runs, but I’ve never been in it.  And I certainly have not acted.  I am not an actor, although I have played one on tv.

Lying is different from acting, although I used to think the two were quite the same thing.  I have lied a lot.  Which I thought made me a great actor, but there is truly a difference.

I did take an acting class in college, one semester, and I performed a monologue by Sam Shepard and I was the wife in Death of a Sales Man.  I don’t remember anything about the Shepard piece except that one night, a bit drunk, I recited to a man for whom I had a wicked crush on, Nick with the dreamy brown eyes and the old Chevy truck his grandpa left to him when he passed.  It got the boy into my bed.  I don’t think this is going to be that kind of experience.

And I remember the way the lines looked in the Death of a Salesman piece.  Not, mind you, what the lines were, but how they were spaced.  I can actually see the photo copy of the script in my mind’s eye.  That and how cold my partner’s hands were when we were clasping hands in a pivotal scene.  I was so surprised I almost bungled my next line.  How could Alex be nervous?  He was awesome and I was nervous, damn it.

I have other memories of that class, but nothing that speaks to being an actor.  Mainly that a group of us would hang out at the Angelic and have beers.  I also recall that I hired one of my classmates, Tom, to be a bouncer at the bar later that semester.  I think I had a crush on him, tiny one, never went anywhere.  We did play strip poker one night after hours at the Angelic, my a lot of stuff happened off the clock, and he lost.

He was, ah, very tall.

Ahem, I digress.

I haven’t memorized anything for a while.  I believe my powers of memory are pretty good.  But I tell you it is damn hard to run lines with 18 month olds.  I figure work is the place I’m going to be memorizing lines.  During nap time, preferably. I tried earlier w/K. while she was awake, before S. got there.  But she was just pissed that I wasn’t giving her full on attention.  I got through one run through of my lines.  And only for the first character.  I haven’t even said out loud the second characters lines.  I did not get time during the girls nap time as I was busy doing chores.

Repeat, I am a dumb ass.

A dumb ass who’s not going to have any social life for the next two months.

See you in July.

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