Posts Tagged ‘resolutions’

Happy New Year!

January 1, 2018

I really haven’t any resolutions to share with you.

I prefer to just treat each day like it’s a new day instead of having expectations that I need to change or get better or perfect something.

I need to grow a little everyday and not try to cram a bunch of resolutions into my day and think that I’m going to change over night.

Little bits by little bits.

Baby steps, baby.

And I took some nice ones today.

I got out of bed.

I know.


I really wanted to stay in bed and in fact, did sleep past the point I would normally get up.

My brain was trying to hijack my body though and convince me that I didn’t need to go to yoga.

I needed to go to yoga.

It, my brain, almost won out, but I have smart feet and I also have inborn knowledge from having done enough yoga that I always feel better after a class, even if it’s with not my favorite instructor at the studio.

Which is the excuse that I used the day before to not go, but really, I assure you I had gotten plenty of exercise the previous twelve hours to not feel upset about missing a class and I think that I needed the extra sleep yesterday.

Today, not so much, and I knew that I would not be happy with myself if I skipped yoga two days in a row during a time that I could be going to yoga.

I can’t typically make it to classes during the week, work and my internship conflict, so I’m a weekend warrior.

To not go on both Saturday and Sunday would have been sacrilege.

So I got my happy ass out of bed and into my yoga clothes and I stayed in them for a long time.

It was a great class, I was really surprised, maybe not having any expectations that I would enjoy the class I actually did.

I came home thinking that I wanted to go on a bike ride too, the bike ride had been running around in my head for a few days now that I think on it, and I figured I could actually make it a nice physical day for myself, maybe even go back to the late yoga class.

It’s a restorative yoga class, so it wouldn’t have been like a big effort, although I didn’t end up going, something else came up.


I did go on the bike ride!

It was great and in fact, I might let myself go on another tomorrow.

I was supposed to meet with a ladybug today, but she had to cancel, so after a good check in via phone, I pulled my bike out and pumped air into the tires, grabbed my messenger bag, a water bottle and my bike locks, in case I wanted to stop anywhere I could lock up my bike.

I rode out from the house down 46th to Sloat, then up to Great Highway, up past the zoo a bit, and then stopped right before the hill to gaze at the ocean for a while and snap a quick photo of my bicycle, she is a pretty, pretty thing, before I headed back down Great Highway, riding past my turn off to Fulton Ave, the up to 47th and around the park for awhile, around the soccer fields and the back side of the Beach Chalet, I went past the archery fields and eventually popped back out onto Lincoln Ave at Chain of Lakes, back down to 46th, then two blocks back to the house.


It was smashing.

I am so glad I did it.

Aside from the exercise it also felt really meditative and I reflected over and over again how amazing it is that I live somewhere so beautiful, that I literally am blocks away from Ocean Beach, that I get to ride my bicycle around a world-renowned park, that I get to live here in San Francisco.

It is a huge gift.

After the bike ride I had a late lunch and then made some chicken soup.

I’ll be visiting my person tomorrow, he just had a hip replacement surgery, and I wanted to bring him some more chicken soup, he’s gone through the two big Mason jars I gave him right before the surgery.

I’ll be heading is way by 1 p.m. and we’ll go for an easy walk around the block.

Like literally.

Just around the block.

And maybe a few minutes of hang out time.

I don’t think he’s got the energy for big visits, but he wants to see my face and I, his.

It will be good to see him.

I’m also going to hit up another yoga class tomorrow.

It’s nice to have a Monday off and the studio is open.

That will make three yoga classes over the weekend and a bike ride.

Not bad.

Especially for someone who is  loath to exercise.

I generally like it once I’m doing it and I know how important it is to move my body, but my brain is a sabotaging machine.


I signed up for the 10 a.m. yoga class and I’ll see my person at 1p.m.

Other than that I have no New Year’s Day plans.

Doing the deal somewhere and chilling out with my new book.


That’s not a psychology book.

I know.


I went up to Blackbird Books, the new book store in my hood next to Trouble Coffee, and splurged on the new Jennifer Eagen book, Manhattan Beach, I’m going to indulge my literary self and not read any psychology for at least a week.

So freaking sexy.

I may just spend most of tomorrow lazing on the chaise lounge after I get back from helping out my person and just read.

Such luxury.

And that’s it, that’s my New Year’s Day plans.

To chill the fuck out.

The year is going to be full and amazing, hello, I’ll be graduating, going to Paris, and starting  PhD program, traveling to D.C., and who knows what else will happen, seeing many clients and nanny’ing up a storm.

Wishing you and yours the Happiest of New Years!

Big love from the city by the Bay.

May the year bring you so much love and joy.

So much.

Not A God Damn

January 2, 2015



I’m not even in pants.

Haven’t gotten dressed.

Haven’t gone outside.

I looked.

It looked nice.


Spent most of today in bed, in boyfriendlandia, doing a whole lot of nothing but snuggling, sleeping, and watching East Bound and Down.

Happy New Year.

I slept in until past one p.m.

I am not prone to that much sleep, but a comfortable crook of arm, and a cold nip to the air outside the warmth of the comforter, a day off from work and a late’ish night last night, and I was not inclined to get up and get out.


I had my moments.

I always do.

When I think I should be going, doing, being, faster, quicker, go, go.

But really, there is nowhere to go, not today, not much to do, just be mellow, drink some tea, roll around in bed.

I did accomplish a shower.

So, there’s that.

I could review the year, but WordPress already did that for me and in such a way that I felt a smidgen guilty for not being as on point with my blogging as I have been prior to the whole I got a boyfriend thing happened.

Although I have been told by one friend, at least, that my writing has not suffered, that the blog post I have been putting out are decent, if not good, I can go for that.

I do want and need, pretty much to be writing every day, and that has not stopped, I’m still writing all the time, it just doesn’t always show up as a blog.

But believe you me, it’s still going on.

I felt compelled to blog tonight, partially because it’s fun to do it with no pants on, and because I did not do my morning long hand–I was in bed doing the snuggle and sleep thing.

Then there was that other thing.

Then there was making breakfast at 2 p.m.

And then back to bed and like that.

The day is gone.

But it’s not gone and I still have a few things that got to fly out of my fingers and into the ether and I don’t think a moment of reflection on the past year is so out of the question that I couldn’t write about it.


I don’t want to focus on the past, even the near past, I have today and that’s what’s important.

As I look into 2015 there are a few things that I want to accomplish and perhaps that’s what I can look at.

I have a date to keep on the 13th of this month I might be rolling a special day of commemoration.

I also will be getting a new tattoo that same week.

But not until after the 17th, I don’t like jumping the gun.

No fronts man.

I am certain to have some more contact with my family.

Despite the pain and the mingled horror of seeing my father the way he was when I went up to Anchorage, there was also the resolution of an old idea of a relationship that never was and some grief that came out of it was really cathartic.

I grieved a relationship that I never had.

Not just with my father.

But with my reality and with my previous relationships.

I vowed to be more available and open and stand up for intimacy and be needy in ways that make me want to slap that word out of the dictionary.

I have asked for help in places I have balked at for so long that now seeing the things that have come out of them, renewed relationships with my father’s side of the family, a new ability to show up for a romantic relationship (and no it’s not all snuggles and butterflies and rainbows falling out of unicorn butts, but it is real and wonderful for all its humanity), for a new job, and for what I hope will be eventually a new career.

I have graduate school to be applying myself towards and furthering my commitment to myself by continuing to write.

I have places I want to travel too, some near, some far, most in the states, I don’t currently see any out of the states travel, not for another year, I think.

But Yosemite.

Half Dome.

The Grand Canyon.

Big Sur.

I want to see more.

I want to open myself up more to what is in my area and really explore it.

I wouldn’t mind seeing the redwoods again, it’s been a hot second, like over ten years, since I drove up north and saw the big old trees.

I want to see a friend get married.

I want to see a friend have a baby.

Both are in the works.

I want to continue to grow and maybe ride my scooter a little more and my bike and do a good job and be of service to my fellowship and community.

Standard stuff.

My New Year’s Resolutions are not really resolutions.

I already live a day-to-day existence.

That’s not to say that I am living hand to mouth, but rather that each day is a new day, full of possibility, each day is day to give and to give some more and to be of service.

It doesn’t have to be the holiday season, which, really, I am fine with it being over with, it was lovely, now let’s move the fuck on, to do estimable acts.

I have so much to be grateful for.

It doesn’t have to Thanksgiving for me to express gratitude.

It doesn’t have to be Christmas for me to give something to someone.

It doesn’t have to be New Years for me to make the decision to live a better day, a better moment, a better way of life.

I have to constantly enlarge my spiritual life.

And I am ok with that.


I am crazy.

And I know it.

And the things that I do don’t negate the crazy, but they offset it and normalize me and make me useful and that is fabulous.

It’s not to say that the crazy doesn’t surface, it certainly does, but for the most part I feel pretty serene and loved and taken care of and I want to continue to live that kind of life.

I don’t have to resolve to do anything.

I get to do something every day.

Well, except for maybe today, since I really just lounged around all day.

But even that is a kind a growth.

I can hurry up and not do anything.

That can be just as rewarding as all the busy work I do.

And with that.

I’m out and officially into the new year.



May this be your best year yet.

I’m certain it will be mine.

A Quiet Night

January 1, 2014

And the largest cat on the planet just crawled into my lap.

It was like my laptop was a cat magnet.

Either that, or smart cat, it knew that the babies were in bed and it was safe to come out from where ever it was hiding.

It may also, smart cat, known that I have a thing for kitties.

And puppies.

And babies.

And there it is, my New Years Eve, strangely like last year, but wildly different.

Better pay, that’s for sure.

Though the overnight is not a thrilling thing for me to be doing, it is of a kind of service that I am glad to know I can do and also realizing that I won’t do again.

Not really worth it.

Sort of like house sitting.

Except, fingers crossed, I won’t be repeating the overnight again to learn the lesson like I did with the housesitting.

This cat is huge.

I think it could be found quite easily on Google maps.

This cat is so big I wonder if it’s going to sleep on my face and suffocate me while I sleep.

Hopefully not.

That would suck.

Sorry, you’re kids are not up and happy and fed, bathed, washed, cleaned, diapered, powdered, and entertained.

Your cat killed me last night when it sat on me.

I actually did get a little nervous when he/she/it crawled up on me, I don’t know that I have ever seen a feline this large (it’s also not large in the sense of a really big fluffy Maine Coon, it’s large, like, holy shit what the fuck do they feed it, Buddha cat large) and I was a little perturbed by how bossy it was.


Ok, cat, just don’t smother me in my sleep.

Or make biscuits on my cheeks.

It doesn’t even seem like it’s New Year’s, but I was just sent a photograph of a friends baby on the East Coast up for a late night feed with the cutest little pucker on his face.

I got my New Years Eve smooch.


Strange to think that a year has passed.

Last year I was in Paris.

This year I am in the Mission.

Life is funny that way.

Who knows where I will be next year.

Not making any plans.

Although, I did call my best friend in Wisconsin and say basically, pick a weekend, I am coming out to see you.  I figure it is far easier for me to visit then it would be for her, I count as one, she has three boys and a husband.

Far less to move across country.

And ticket prices don’t look too bad.

Ok, the cat is growing on me, a gigantic growth, but, it is warm and makes a nice soothing white noise purring sound, a small helicopter motor of noise on my lap.

I figure I can go out to her for a weekend, three, four days, as long as it’s not too close to Burning Man I will be fine.

The shifts seem like they will be continuing a pace and I will have January with close to if not completely full time work.  This Friday off, but tonight makes up for it, and I won’t be working the 12th and the 13th, but I will be taking PTO days for the time, so no loss of income.

And life, for me, really is just lived a day at a time.

I could worry about what comes next or just embrace that the right now is pretty damn good.

Which it is.

I am leery of the lack of sleep I will probably have, it seems inevitable that one or both the babies will awaken before I want them too, that is the nature of babies, but other than that, I am pretty much socked in for the night.

At least I won’t be navigating the Paris Metro system on New Years Eve in the rain.

That was a shit show last year.

Scary too.

Nothing says good times like a train car so packed with people that you can’t get off at your stop because too many people are trying to get on the same car you are trying to get off of.

Fortunate to not be claustrophobic, but that was intense.

And then being lost outside the train station, turned around, walking the wrong way in the Pigalle neighborhood, while it’s pelting down freezing rain.

Happy New Year!

This one promises, already, to be far mellower than that.

I may not even stay up until midnight.

Although, I find that unlikely.

I will, oh sweet Jesus, cat, don’t crawl up on my laptop!

It won’t make it.

Dear God.

I know cats prefer to be the center of attention, especially if one has a book or a computer in their lap, but that was a near catastrophe.


Yeah, I am not even hating that I am spending my New Years blogging about an overweight cat and doing a nanny share overnight.


I know that the less I fight what is happening, the happier I will be and there’s nothing wrong with the situation.

New Years can be a time of greatly overblown expectations.

I don’t have any this year.

I got paid for my time already.

I will be done at 10 a.m.

I will meet a lady at Philz in the Mission at 11a.m. on the way swinging by the bank to deposit my paychecks, then a pit stop for an hour or so at 23rd and Capp after which I shall ride my bicycle merrily back to the Outer Sunset and call it a day.

I may take a nap.

I may go walk on the beach.

I will say thank you for another year on the planet and I will be grateful that it is in San Francisco.


Excited for what the next year brings with nary a regret for what has been.

Happy 2014!

Small Reprieve

December 31, 2013

Before the big push.

I just got a message that I don’t have to start work until 10:30a.m. tomorrow, a touch over two hours of extra time in my morning.


I will need it as I pack my overnight bag and prepare to spend New Years Eve kissing not one, but two sweet faces.

I will be doing a nanny share in the Mission while two sets of parents are out having two sets of fun.

I will get picked up with one of my charges from my nanny share in Cole Valley around 5:30p.m. then chauffeured over to the other families home in the Mission.

No break for me.

But then there’s the day after when I am finished with the gig at 10 a.m. and have the entire Wednesday free to recuperate and relax.

Perhaps to reflect on where I have been over the last year and where I will be going in the year to come.

That’s me, you know, Auntie Bubba, Girl on the Go.

Maybe I should rephrase that to, Weary Ass Woman who wants to sit still for a moment, but my brain won’t let me.

Not quite as catchy.

And there are lots of places I want to go to and two places this coming year I know I will be going.

The first is Florida and the second is Burning Man.

The ticket is bought for Florida, my family is awaiting, and I already committed to working Burning Man while I was working Burning Man this past year.

Other trips, journeys, whether interior or exterior, I don’t have much of a clue about.

I have some thoughts.

I would love to do a camping trip.

I have never seen the Grand Canyon, or Yosemite.

Could be time to do either or both, neither one are too far away.

Heck, I think I could even take the Amtrack to one or the other.

I wouldn’t even have to do a camping trip like I have it in my mind with all the tents and tricks and pots and pans and sleeping bags and canteens and stuff.

I could take a train, stay in a cabin and go for a walk.

All pure speculation and fantasy at this moment in time.

I don’t have any goals or resolutions for this New Year.

Keep practicing the principles in all my affairs and surrender to what is happening.  Get the fuck out of my own way, stop stepping on my neck, as John Ater has told me countless times. Be kind. Show up. Suit up. Be on time. Forgive.

Myself most of all and everybody thereafter.

Stop trying to control outcomes and just let them come out.

These are not really resolutions, they are just the current lesson plan on my desk in front of me, in this life, in this moment.

Nothing more.

I live a pretty damn good life.

A life of travel and words and photographs and experiences.

I got to add some experiences to my resume of life this year and I intend to do that as much as possible for as long as I can.

This year and next and the one after that as well.

Maybe I will even get that book over there published.

I have given up on my ideas of writing, what it should look like, and just settled into the groove of being content with the act of putting finger to keyboard, to strike the key, to send the message out via the medium, to etch into my brain, more so than the ether, that I am doing just alright.

“There is nothing wrong with waking up single on Christmas morning,” she said and I sat up a little straighter.


My story for sure.

Nothing wrong with not having a date on New Years Eve.


I mean I dated some one for five years and we planned on getting married and white picket fence and babies and all that fantasy stuff that though I can want or desire is not the same as wanting and desiring serenity and love of self, which may or may not include picket fence, et al; and we NEVER had the midnight kiss.

So, why should I be aggrieved to not have one this year.

Unless you, handsome, sober, sexy, slightly kinky, my age, non-smoking man, should read these words and find me on midnight tomorrow to slap a kiss on my mouth, you naughty man you.


I think that’s fantasy again.

Steer clear.

Grateful to have a few extra hours tomorrow to rest to reflect perhaps, but not to wallow in my life.

No I choose to celebrate my life.

I have it pretty damn good.

I just had a resolution, though, pop into my head.

I resolve to spend more time with my friends.

I got a super sweet message from my best friend in Wisconsin about how this time last year I was calling her from the 7th Arrondissement in Paris, watching as the Eiffel Tower lit up with sparkle lights at midnight where I was babysitting for a bunch of folks out having a their version of making merry.

And how despite me not being overseas, we still have not had a chance to see each other face to face since I have returned.

Granted, it’s been seven months since my return, not a full year, but she’s right, it’s too long to have not seen her pretty face.

I was just about to write screw the camping trip.

But, I think I can do both.

Go camping and see my friend.

I don’t have to have it so black and white.

It’s not as though I don’t have options, I do and I can use them, and choices.  It’s not one thing or the other, it’s all things and then some more things that I probably have no idea are coming down the pipe.

The not knowing will not kill me.

Despite myself I am happy.

No need to question it.

Just accept.

Move on.

And enjoy sleeping in an extra two hours tomorrow.

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