Posts Tagged ‘school work’

Serenity Now!

February 16, 2017

I couldn’t figure out why I was in such a mood this morning.

Not a horrible mood.

But just a bit flat.

I’ve been doing a lot of Trauma reading for class and I wondered, am I getting into it, the reading, too deeply, am I dissociating?

Then.

Ha.

I realized.

Oh.

Hello.

You haven’t had a day off in ten days.

You’re not dissociating.

You’re just fucking tired.

Heh.

And the tired went its way once I got moving.

I am grateful that I let myself take it real slow though, on my way to work I saw a motorcycle accident.

The rider was being attended to on the ground and his cycle was broken, I mean broken and in bits all over Lincoln Avenue.

There was a cop taking a statement from the person I am assuming was the person driving the car, he looked shaken up and it was pretty obvious what had happened.

He didn’t see the motorcycle and he accelerated into the turn and hit him.

Lincoln is a two lane road in both directions, but heading in from the outer avenues always feels a little tense, as there are a lot of cars that are pulling into the right hand lane and there are also cars parked on the right hand side of the road, the visibility is low and I learned very fast to stay in the left hand lane on my scooter as much as possible.

It was a bit spooky and I rode the rest of the way into work at a slow, measured, calm pace, no lane splitting, just cool and relaxed.

Having done the commute enough times now on my scooter I have a better idea of how to gauge the timing on it and I knew that I was fine to take it at a more mellow clip.

Grateful for that.

I would rather be a little late than dead.

And I wasn’t late either.

Work was busy.

One of my charges was home sick from school.

That always makes for a little extra work.

But.

I felt very of service and I was able to rally her spirits enough with a promise of using the stroller to get her out for a little while when it seemed she had high energy.

We made it to the Upper Noe Valley Recreational Center and on the way I ran into a classmate from my cohort!

It was super nice to see her and give her a great big hug and then off to the swings and some hanging out in the sand box.

We didn’t stay long, my little charge ran out of juice pretty quick, but timing wise it was perfect.

By the time we got back I was able to have a quick bite, then turn around and hop on the train to pick up the other sibling from school.

He and I went to Dolores Park after pick up and ran around and played hide and seek and tag.

We were at the park for about an hour, then headed back to the house, grandma was on her way.

Yes.

Grandma visit for the next week or so.

The timing is nice for the family, next week is “ski week” at the school and all the kids are off, it’s sort of like an early Spring Break.

The family I work for will be staying in town.

I am not sure if my hours will be less or more than what they are now, I worked a little late for them today, but I’m pretty much guaranteed off by 6:30 p.m.

I also talked to the mom about Burning Man today.

She didn’t give the complete all the thumbs up in the air, she has to check out her calendar, but she said they would try to make it work!

She asked me to send her the specific dates and she would look into it.

So when I came home tonight.

Yes.

Yes I did.

I updated my Burner Profile on the Burning Man site and applied for the low-income ticket.

I had to write a little essay about what the event means to me, how I have experienced it, what I will bring to the event.

As well as show economic need.

The graduate school tuition bill will help establish that.

Heh.

I also sent them my W-2 and a copy of my paycheck stub.

All electronically.

It took me a minute to figure all that out, but I am amazed, I got it done.

I got a confirmation e-mail back and now I just wait and see.

The organization promises to respond within ten weeks of the application.

The Burning Man organization is allotting 4,000 low-income tickets this year.

They’re still expensive, $190.

But considering the current ticket cost is $425, it’s a bargain.

Of course, as always, I don’t want to pay anything.

However.

This year, for the first time ever, I am planning on going to Burning Man.

Not.

“Working Man.”

I have worked every single event I have gone to.

Ten of them.

And considering that I am in school and working full-time I just decided that it was about time for me to just go.

I can afford to camp and provide for my own needs.

I don’t have to work to get my costs covered.

I got a tax return.

There are funds that I can earmark towards infrastructure needs and getting to and from the event and you know, maybe some hair flowers and glitter.

Heh.

So.

Fingers crossed I get the time off and the low-income ticket.

If I don’t get either.

Than so be it.

I am happy to have just taken the actions.

I can let go of the results.

The results are not mine anyhow.

They never have been.

That’s up to God.

And.

Well.

God seems to like me out at Burning Man.

We have a good time hanging out together on playa.

So.

I don’t expect to get dropped this year.

Burning Man 2017.

Let’s do it!

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Slip Into Something More Comfortable

February 13, 2017

Like my bunny slippers.

Yes.

Baby.

Ooh.

That feels so good.

I wore my new Fluevogs today, my interview shoes, all day at school.

Loads of compliments, but they are not quite broke in yet and I realized when I got home, yeah, time to take them off, and slide into my slippers.

Happy feet.

Happy heart.

I got to see my cohort out in style today.

I gave everyone a Valentines Day card.

Felt really good and sweet and I love to spread the love.

I do.

It’s just who I am and I am glad to know it, to have it in my heart, to show it, to accept it when it comes back too.

I also got to have lunch with my friends in cohort, catch up, share stories, be together, be seen and after I got out I ran a quick errand then caught a late afternoon coffee, decaf thank you, with a lady and do some work showing up for each other in honesty and good faith.

Then.

Go speak.

And.

Do the deal.

Then have dinner with another friend who unexpectedly came to the spot and that was a gift, I am so grateful for my friends.

So grateful.

It was really good to catch up with my friend at dinner and we could have hung out for hours more, but ah yes, the work week calls, it’s not quite so siren song.

I mean, I suppose it is a siren song, I can’t ignore it, but I can lament, a tiny bit the end of the weekend the coming of the work.

Though.

I am grateful too for that.

I am.

I really like my new job and it feels good to look forward to work and to look forward to seeing the family, to look forward to helping them and seeing how big the baby has gotten over the weekend and to cook for them.

Such gifts.

So much life.

I am just in a super happy, serene place.

I am also well fed, hydrated, showered and have had sweet, smart company today.

Life.

You could say.

Is good.

Very good.

All life is good I am grateful to be alive.

Period.

If life were fair.

I have said many, many times.

I would be dead.

But.

I am still here, still making a go at it, still learning, and loving and changing.

I have plenty to get ready for this next week, school stuff mostly, I have to get my paper work in order for the next steps in my practicum process, but I talked to my advisor today and was very excited by his excitement for me and for getting placed.

I’m a little a head of the curve in regards to the rest of the cohort, and there is no judgment there, I just knew I needed to be in position to get what I needed to take care of myself.

But I must continue to be proactive and take the next small steps.

I will give myself a day or two to breathe and come down from the weekend of classes before I leap back into the work, at least tomorrow, at least one day of down time, not taking my books to work, just easing into the work week.

Which may not feel easy in my brain since I am going to ask off for Burning Man dates, but that too is just asking a question, I just have expectations.

When I can let go of the expectation though, and just know that I am going to be wherever God wants me to be, usually in a pace of maximum service then I know I am going to be ok.

I ask.

I let go of the results.

Of course.

I want to go so it feels loaded, when ever my wants are on the table it can bring up fear.

I’m not going to get what I want or I’m going to lose something I already have.

I’d rather ask in faith, knowing that whatever the outcome, I’m taken care of.

I’m going to Paris in May for fucks sake, I get to go on vacation, I’ll be starting my internship, I have a job, I have a home to live in, I have nice shoes and clothes, I have my scooter.

I am taken care of.

Heck.

I have a tax return returning.

It’s pretty good, this life of mine, really, superb.

I feel that my little blog is a bit rambling tonight, but I have to give myself some credit, I have gotten up early every day for the last three days, shown up prepared and did the work in my classes.

I did a lot of work.

Lots of emotional work.

Lots of staying in the moment work.

Lots of dyad work.

I may allow myself to be a little all over the place, I just feel so content and blissed out on having gotten to see my friends, both in school and out of school, to have had some social engagement, to feel like life is not just all work and recovery and school, there are these wonderful beings called friends that want to see me and spend time with me and how lucky am I?

Hella lucky.

Hella grateful.

And yes.

Hella tired.

My bed beckons.

I bid you adieu.

Bon nuit.

Bon soir.

Trop gros bisous pour toi.

A demain mes amies!

J’aime toi beaucoup.

xo

On Top Of It

February 10, 2017

I mean.

Almost two years into the program, I might have a system in place.

I realized today that not only was I caught up with all my reading and all my papers, there was just one due for this upcoming weekend, but also having my practicum placement procured, I’m ahead of the game.

It feels really good.

In fact.

This morning I thought, hmm, maybe I should start reading for the next weekend of classes.

Then.

I was like.

Stop.

Just enjoy the moment.

Enjoy the fact that lunch is packed and coffee is ready and clothes are clean, laundry all done, food in the freezer for the rest of the weekend and going into next week for work so I don’t have to cook at all or think about grocery shopping.

Enjoy the fact that your books are all in your book bag and that you are ready.

I might even get to bed at a decent time.

Might.

I make no promises, its always hard to fall asleep before the first day of a new weekend of classes.

I am excited to see my cohort, I’m excited to get in there in do the work.

Of course.

My first class of the day is trauma, so I may change my mind by mid-morning.

But I am looking forward to seeing my classmates and cohort and getting caught up.

I have missed them.

I am also happy that the weather seems to be lifting and that I should be able to take my scooter to class in the morning.

I have not been able to ride it for at least a week.

Oh.

I suppose I could have, but the rains have been pretty heavy and I have to say it’s really damn nice to be dry when I get to work.

Work was good, has been good, I really do so like the new family and I have been enjoying the fuck out of the cooking.

My last family I cooked for too, but it was different.

My current family is really food forward, organic meats and veggies and fruits, high-end butters, full fat milk, whipping cream, heavy cream, butter, butter, butter, and of course they’re all quite thin.

Ha.

But my god, it’s glorious using their kitchen.

Tonight I made spaghetti carbonara for the parents with Neiman Ranch thick cut bacon, organic chicken thighs, onions, garlic, shallots, tarragon, white pepper, snow pea pods, and the sauce was made from three eggs, 3/4 c heavy whipping cream and 1/2 c finely shredded parmesan cheese, mixed that all up with the gluten-free pasta for the dad and then a durum wheat pasta shell for the kids (whose portions didn’t have peas as they, as all children their age seem to, have an abhorrence of anything green).  I served it with green olives and sliced baguette with butter from Tartine.

Wow did it smell good and it was fun to make.

Last night I made ginger shrimp fried rice for the kids with scrambled eggs and for the parents I made ramen–organic Japanese ramen noodles from BiRite–in a beef bone broth with ginger, thinly sliced watermelon radish, snow pea pods, crimini mushrooms, a slice of thick cut bacon, 2 wild hen soft-boiled eggs and sliced green scallions.

Who’s your nanny?

Fuck.

I love to cook.

“You have no idea how happy __________ is (the dad).  You’re really our first nanny that knows how to cook and you are really an amazing cook, we are all so lucky to have you.”

Aw.

That feels so good to hear.

I feel lucky to have them too.

I mean.

I cannot even believe this happened but I got an off premise break as I had finished everything up at the house and was able to not only go drop off some personal mail at the post office, but I had time to get a freaking manicure on my break before I went to pick up my charge at school.

Is that for real?

I mean.

An actual god damn break away from work, outside of work.

I won’t always have that, but once in a while it seems that I will.

And.

I have sat down to eat my meals, I’m not standing up trying to cram food in my mouth and also get everything else done.

I seem able to get more work done and yet the work is not as hard, the ease with which I have been welcomed in and embraced and also that they are so vocally appreciative of me, it’s nice.

I am loving it.

I know there will be challenges, every job has them, but I feel very good with them and it I feel like though I’m going above and beyond, because I am treated so well and my schedule for school has been so easily met, it doesn’t feel like a challenge, it feels really happy and joyful to be at work.

When I was sitting by myself at the house this afternoon having lunch and listening to music on my phone I got to contemplate the rain falling through the grey skies, the outline of the San Francisco skyline, the lights of the cars on the Bay Bridge, the soft, smudge purple/pink of the flowering plum trees in the back yard and just eat my meal.

No interruptions.

No having to do a bunch of other things while I was eating.

Just me and the view and my homemade food.

So happy and content.

Plus, break time away.

Good gravy.

I feel blessed.

And ready for the school weekend, ready to get my paperwork out-of-the-way for my practicum site and also to begin the hunt for my supervisor and my own therapist.

I have to be in therapy while I am in practicum, I will need the supervision and I will also need to work out my own stuff.

Yes.

I have been working on my own stuff for a long while now, but there is still room for growth, change, and learning.

It’s all so exciting.

Happiness makes for usefulness.

I am beyond grateful for all the gifts in my life.

I am.

I am.

All the gifts.

All the things.

So lucky I am.

Luckiest girl in the world.

 

Space Cadet

January 27, 2017

I’m a little zoned out.

It was suggested to me that I stop beating myself up for not doing enough, let me see, yoga, homework, work, doing the deal, dating, not dating, cooking, cleaning, laundry, blogging, writing, photography, dancing, hanging out with girlfriends, looking for a boyfriend, getting interview clothes for practicum, figuring out where to apply to practicum, writing my resume, re-writing my resume, re-writing my re-write of my resume, updating my LinkedIn profile (which haven’t used in literally years and may still have my old yahoo e-mail address linked to it), doing my taxes, figuring it out.

Yeah.

I sort of fell into that hole again.

But it was a shallow hole and I climbed out pretty fast.

It was suggested that I take it easy this weekend and go to a movie theater, like the Balboa and maybe hang out at the coffee-house across the way and have Chinese food for dinner at that one place that has the best fucking Miso Shrimp ever.

I could stand that.

I don’t know that I’m going to.

I really do like taking suggestions and I find that they are super important to me.

They are given to me with kindness and perspective and to save my ass, because I get so spun trying to get it all in that I forget to slow down and enjoy my life.

But.

I have homework I said and I have to do my taxes.

Girl.

He was not having it.

I got my marching orders.

I’ll see if I can squeeze it in.

No guarantees.

It was a conversation that was set off when I teared up explaining that I have only been able to manage getting to yoga on the weekends since starting the new job and trying to navigate the school and work balance.

It was pointed out that I wasn’t doing anything wrong and that I certainly was doing more than enough.

I was basically told to knock it off.

I knocked it off.

I am slowly letting myself do and be as much as I can and trying to spend time outside of my regular routine any time that I can so that I am getting some socializing in and also not just doing school and work and recovery.

Which is all good but I need fun in my life too.

I do.

I have a date for diner and dessert on Saturday.

That will be nice.

I shared that with my person and that was met with approval,  a little fun and canoodle is much-needed.

We were going to try to meet tonight but his coming into the city plans changed up.

Which, in hindsight, brief hindsight, is probably good.

I want to end out the week with the family and not be sleep deprived.

Work has been busier this week than I have experienced, the little lady was home sick again today and I suspect that tomorrow will be much like today.

But in between the bouts of dealing with a fussy, sick, temper tantrums, I did get some sweet snuggle and stories in.

The parents were both around much of the day and when you are four you want mom and dad, not the new nanny.

So there was much telling me I was “stupid” and “go away.”

I’m used to it and wasn’t much fazed.

“You are not my friend and I don’t love you and you don’t have any friends,” she told me a couple of times today.

“No friends?” I asked, “none at all?”

“No. No friends, not, ___________ or _____________ or___________.”

“Ok,” I said, “I feel sad, but maybe one day we will be friends.”

“NEVER.”

And five minutes later she was playing peek-a-boo with me and then curling up in my arms, “will you rub my back again,” she whispered into my shoulder.

Sweet little pumpkin.

Probably a good thing I didn’t have my date tonight, although I was much looking forward to it.

I loved his message, “want to stay up past your bedtime?”

Heh.

Always.

It’s nice to have a lover peep you out of the blue.

I could stand for more of that.

I’m not actively doing any dating at the moment though.

It feels hard enough to commit to making it to friend events.

I have a birthday dinner invite tomorrow that I am trying to figure out how to work so I can do the deal and do the dinner.

Next weekend I have a double anniversary dinner to go to.

And I’m speaking in Oakland again.

It’s a busy couple of weeks.

Fuck.

When isn’t it busy?

So, to be pursuing dating seems frivolous and distracting and not where I need to be putting my energy.

Although I did have a gentleman ask for my number last night.

I wonder if he will call.

I have no expectations around it at all, but it would be nice.

I’m going to continue to let the pursuing happen rather than try to do any pursuing.

I don’t have time to chase.

There is enough time though, to do all the things, and as long as I do a little every day, all the things will get done.

I did a little homework today before work.

I did a little reading at lunch today.

I’m doing my own personal writing every day in the morning, my morning pages, four today.

I am keeping up with my blog and managing to get to all the places I need to go.

So grateful that I have had my scooter for the last couple of days and not been reliant on the trains or cars.

Super huge time save.

And tomorrow is Friday.

It feels like a long week.

And that’s ok.

I haven’t been sick, I have gotten more and more comfortable with my new job and I really am happy with how school is going even when it feels overwhelming, it is such a great thing for me to be doing and I’m find myself extraordinarily pleased by it.

I have done a lot of work and grown a tremendous amount.

I guess what I’m saying is life is good.

I’m taken care of.

And I will try to take my person’s suggestion.

They always serve.

I wonder what’s playing at the Balboa Theater.

Anyone want to go see a movie?

Seriously.

It’s Been A Day

January 9, 2017

And I haven’t left the house.

Well.

I tried.

I thought about it.

I was going to.

Then.

I didn’t.

I took care of all things domestic and necessary–laundry, cooking, food prep, cleaning.

I took care of all things personal and grooming.

Even knowing that I might end up spending the entire day indoors I still got up, took a shower, did my hair, my it looks fine, and even put on make up and a cute outfit, because, well, I like to dress for myself.

And I was to have a visitor and I like to be nicely put together when I have people over.

I am so glad she and I met.

It’s been about a month since we sat down and did the deal, it was so good to get caught up and hear about her life and listen and be present.

Such a gift, that, being present for another, no expectations, just me here at the table reading a few words from a blue bound book and listening to fears and love and faith and joy and happiness and challenges.

Getting to share what I have gone through, knowing my experience can be of service, that nothing, and I do mean nothing, is wasted, that every moment, triumph or painful fall, has meaning and can be shared with another.

My life has meaning.

That is a great gift to know.

My greatest assets are my experiences and knowing that another can make use of them is incredible.

So there was that and it was good.

Then there was the overwhelming feeling of it wasn’t enough.

That I wasn’t enough, that I hadn’t gotten enough done, that I had left too much undone during my vacation time.

Meaning.

FUCK ME.

I am already behind on my school work.

Fuck me.

I mean.

Holy shit there is a lot more reading than I thought there was.

I really took a look at my syllabi today.

And get this.

I did read an entire book yesterday on the train.

Granted, it was a small book, only 87 pages, more a pamphlet than anything.

But.

Shit.

I did not see the rest of the syllabus readings until today.

Whoa.

There was a lot of reading there.

I also, before the discovery that I wasn’t nearly far enough along, done a bunch of reading for my Trauma class.

Maybe 90-100 pages.

I only have one of the books yet, so I read what was assigned from that book.

I need to read about another 150 pages between two other text books for that class and at this point I am just hoping I get them in the mail this week.

Just to have them.

I mean.

I have plenty of other reading to keep me going.

I had been warned by two of my friends in the cohort that the reading for the first weekend of Couples Counseling was beyond the pale.

I didn’t think much of it until I look up the work after kicking through what I could of the Trauma class.

Holy fucking shit.

Whoa.

I mean.

Does this teacher realize that we have other fucking classes this weekend?

Good gravy man.

Fuck you.

I texted a friend and just sort of lost it, what the hell is up with ___________ class?

We commiserated about the amount of reading and that the reader wasn’t available yet, so he’d sent a fuck ton of downloads to the class to read.

I am not great about reading on a computer screen, it’s super hard for me and I also knew that I wouldn’t get through all the reading unless I was able to take it with me and read a little here and there while waiting for the train, or on the train.

Fucking weather.

Fucking fuckedy fuck fuck fuck.

The storm is also why I didn’t really get out.

I didn’t need to, I had done all my shopping and errands previous to this weekend because of the impending doom of the storm.

And it was big and is still going on.

I was going to leave for a moment, I got on the coat, I got my umbrella, I grabbed my purse and I walked out the door, locked it, opened the gate, popped open my umbrella, took five steps and said, “nope.”

I turned right back around, shut the gate, unlocked the door, put my umbrella back and hung up my jacket.

Then I went back to the syllabi.

I messaged my friend a few more texts and then discovered that the grades were up from last semester.

Wait for it.

Straight A’s.

And Passes for the classes I had that were pass/fail.

Which I still think is hilarious that some of our courses in a graduate school program are pass/fail.

Then again, thank God that some are, I tend to get caught up in them and then realize, hey lady, focus on the ones that have a letter grade.

Which means.

Yes.

I have straight A’s through three semesters of classes.

I am half way through the program officially.

Officially I didn’t do dick today in regards to my practicum stuff.

But I did buckle down after a bit of freaking out and needing to get talked down off the ledge by my friend in school and a couple of phone check ins I did with my people.

“Your timing couldn’t be more perfect,” I said as I answered the phone.

“Lay it on me mama,” he said.

And I told him about it all and how I felt overwhelmed and I have had nightmares recently.

Ugh.

Recurring nightmares that haven’t had in years, but hey, here you go, have a nightmare, not stressed at all are you?

hahahahahahahaha.

Vomit.

“It has to be enough,” I said to him, “it has to be, I already did more today than most people do all weekend.”

I felt the tears well up and slide down my cheeks.

Sometimes it feels like there is just so much work to do and no one to rely on but myself and my God I better make this work or I’ll be homeless in the park.

Thanks brain, really needed that added incentive.

We talked it through and I felt the pressure valve open and the emotional steam hiss out.

Then.

I expressed some plans for the weekend.

Yeah.

It is a school weekend, but it’s also a big anniversary for me on Friday.

So.

I’ll be leaving school, I decided, a half hour early so I can go sit in a church basement and make a little announcement where I have made a few before, eleven other to be exact, but who’s counting?

I am.

That’s who.

I’m also going to go to a special church on Sunday and have dinner with some friends before hand and pick up a little something that evening.

A sort of talisman if you like.

A special token of time and effort and work.

If I only do that.

If I only did that work today, the sitting across from the lady bug, the listening, the sharing, than it was a good day.

Fuck.

It was a great day.

An amazing day.

To help another.

Spectacular.

With those thoughts and feelings I got off the phone, ate a home cooked, I told you I did food prep today I have meals for every day this week and all my meals at school all portioned out and ready for take off, made a cup of tea and got onto the reading.

I watched a two-hour movie required for one of the classes and then read two clinical papers.

I did over two hundred pages of reading today and watched that movie.

But most importantly I acknowledged to myself that I am enough.

I am doing enough.

I have enough.

There is no scarcity.

No.

I have all I need.

I am so grateful.

Because the one thing that I may have the most of is perspective.

It is astounding to realize how well I have taken care of myself and how far I have come.

I’ve come a long fucking way.

Just saying.

And though I have a long way to go.

Well, they say, “they” who the fuck are they, it’s the journey not the destination.

I’m on the path and though I don’t know where it leads exactly.

I’m happy to report that I made some nice strides along it today.

And at this juncture the most important thing is to acknowledge it and to take my rest.

There will be more work to do tomorrow.

But for tonight.

I am done.

Seriously.

l am pretty much toast.

Which means.

Time for tea.

And listening to the rain beat against the glass on the back door and the deep hallucinatory roar of the ocean as the waves smash upon the beach.

Warm.

Safe.

Cozy.

And loved.

That too.

I believe it.

I know I love me.

And that is enough.

It was even when I did not realize I was enough.

Perspective.

Seriously.

Where it’s at.

 

The Final Push

December 17, 2016

All I could think about, well, not all, but a lot of what I could think about was getting through the day so that I could get to the thing and then go grocery shopping and get home and blog and have tea and maybe watch half of Project Runway, shut up, and then go to bed and get up and go to yoga and shower and eat breakfast and coffee, coffee, coffee, and go meet my person and then zip the fuck back here and write my fucking paper.

Damn you Psychopathology.

All I can think about is that span of hours that I will be writing.

Alternatively dreading and anticipating.

I mean.

By this time tomorrow I’ll be done with the semester.

If it fucking kills me.

Actually.

I will be done with it before this time tomorrow night or I might shoot myself in the head.

I jest.

Not funny for a therapist in training to joke about suicide, now is it?

Hahahahahaha.

Where’s the coffee?

Heh.

I mean.

It’s not that bad, I do know, without a doubt that I will write the fuck out of the paper and I’ve done my prep and I have my stack of notebooks, three, books, four, and my thoughts in regards to what I need to do.

There is much to do.

But I know the lay of the land and I will wend my way through the paper.

It’s going to take some sustained effort, but I got it.

I do.

It’s just stopping and pausing to enjoy the moment that is right now instead of living in that perpetual feeling of anxiety about writing the paper.

I came so close to calling in sick today.

And.

I’m not sick.

I just want the relief of being finished with the work.

I want the respite at the end of the tunnel.

Fast acting relief.

I’m not as good with sitting with pain as I used to be.

That being said, I did have a proactive day that wasn’t completely focused on pondering the Psychopathology paper.

I did get up and go to yoga.

I did not do any yoga though.

Which could have had the capacity to piss me off, but didn’t.

The instructor literally slept through her alarm.

I will cut the woman some slack though, she’s just gotten back from a long trip abroad to India and jet lag is no joke.

I left the studio after fifteen minutes of lolling about on my mat and doing some stretching and just figured that God had different plans in mind.

I had a nice breakfast and some delicious coffee and wrote a lot.

I have had a few things on my mind you could say.

And then I scooted downtown to campus to sell back some text books.

Of course the store was closed.

I’d gotten there too early so I went and idled around the practicum support table on the second floor and wrote out the two page practicum application paperwork that my advisor needs to sign for me to move forward in the process.

I was super grateful to get that out-of-the-way and by the time I was done the store had just opened.

I hopped downstairs, sold my text books and gave myself the permission to go buy some of my favorite lotion at Rainbow and wander around the aisles a little bit.

Some apples, some candles, a raw chocolate drink, my body lotion and then over to work.

I had a few minutes before my shift started and I made some phone calls and came to some really deep realizations about some personal things.

And though I will talk about sex and intimacy and dating I can’t and won’t always talk about what is going on internally.

I have to talk it out.

So.

I did that and was really grateful for the response I got back from my person.

It did leave a surreal taste in my mouth for the day, albeit a good one, I feel really free of some character defects that have been plaguing me without me even being conscious of them.

It felt really good, I felt graced and enlightened and though there was some sadness there too, I realized that the decision I had come to was the right one for me and it really was a fucking relief to let go of some old ideas that I had no clue how long I’d been holding onto them.

Pretty intense and pretty fucking fabulous.

Which left me really at ease in my person, my life, where I am with work and school and relationships in general.

I really had a fucking epiphany of gigantic proportions.

Things shifted inside and I cannot believe how being honest with myself could bring about such change.

But there I was sitting on the bench outside the store on the corner of Lexington and 20th having the most profound conversation with my person who was also reiterating to me how deep this shift was and I was blown away, just blown away.

Work, then, was amazing, just for me showing up.

Did lots of cooking.

Stockpiled some broccoli soup and homemade black bean chili for the mom.

Played with the boys.

Ran some errands.

Played with the boys more.

Read stories.

And confirmed that I would love to have dinner with the family after work on Monday to celebrate my birthday at Izakaya Rintaro.

Can you say sashimi?

I can.

Yummy.

“As long as it won’t interfere with you finishing up your finals and papers,” my boss said, “we’d love to take you out to dinner for your birthday.”

I assured them that I would be finished by Monday.

I better be.

It’s due Monday.

But as we all know.

At least I know.

I will be done tomorrow.

So that I can celebrate my birthday without it hanging over my head.

I feel like that is pretty spectacular incentive to finish.

Almost there.

I got this.

I really do.

Seriously.

One more big push.

End Days

December 15, 2016

I had my last day with the family up in Noe Valley today.

My key ring is just a little bit lighter.

And my heart a little bit softer and sad.

But a sweet kind of sad.

A grateful kind of melting in my heart, all the brood wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, even the dog cuddled under my arm, the oldest boy reading his own book, the middle boy and I counting meerkats in the find the meerkat book, and the littlest girl on my lap intermittently reading Pete the Cat with me.

It was pretty awesome.

We even had a special bubble bath, heaps of bubbles and finger painting soap.

It was hilarious.

I was a little remiss to discover that I had the full afternoon to myself and the baby and the boys were getting picked up by grandma to do cookie baking.

I had thought I would have all three the whole day.

I had plans.

Oh well.

But.

I still got to have some time alone with all of them and it was good.

I also kicked myself a little for not bringing my Psychopathology with me to work on, I could have knocked out another couple of hours.

But this morning I decided I wasn’t going to lug around all the books and notebooks, I have never had a Wednesday when I was able to get time alone to do homework.

Let alone breathe, most of the time juggling three is a new level of nannying for me.

It was good practice though and the experience will not be lost on me as I transition to the next family and their soon to be three children–mom is due on December 30th.

I start on January 2nd.

That’s not so far away and yet feels like years away.

So much in between here and there.

Just knocking them out day by day.

Doing yoga.

Got up again today and went.

It was hard.

Super fucking hard.

There are some poses that my body just can’t get to, I’m too tight, too stiff, have had too much damage done, bad ankles, bad knees.

I leaked tears.

I have a really hard time doing any of the squatting poses and I tried, I really did, but between the shoulder that’s been a pester and my ankles being awful (I mean I may have sustained that ankle injury two years ago, but that bitch flairs up all the time, ALL the time) I ended up seizing up.

My legs cramped.

I got a Charley horse.

And my foot began to cramp.

I fell out of the pose and tried to catch my breath in child’s pose while the rest of the class blithely went about doing it as if it were nothing.

I cried, but it was not an angry kind of cry.

It was sort of surrendering to the moment cry and the tears were yes because I was in pain, but also, there was some emotional baggage there that I just didn’t even realize until a little more time had pass and the class was winding down.

As I lay there on the mat, eyes closed, tears sliding down my face, I made an amends to myself.

Out of nowhere, this part of me just sobbed, inside, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

And then.

I forgave myself.

I beat my body up.

I used my body as a shield.

I over ate to protect my too tender heat not realizing how harmful it was going to be later down the line.

I took relief and succor where I could find it.

It did not serve.

My brain perhaps, it alleviated the pain of being in my body, in this world, with all the suffering contingent therein.

I didn’t know any better.

And I did the best I could.

I wore shitty shoes and didn’t exercise and ate crap for decades.

Until I didn’t.

But it took awhile and instead of going to that place I do sometimes in my brain when I want to explain to everyone around me why I can’t do something, why my body, older by far than the whippet lithe bodies of twenty year olds around me, wasn’t capable of doing what everyone else could do, I stopped.

I don’t need to tell anyone my story, I don’t need to justify my experience, I don’t have to explain.

I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

All that matters is that I showed up.

And when I think about all the abuse I have been through and all the abuse I have heaped upon myself and all the things I put into my body, well, fuck, thank  God I still have a body to walk around in, to do yoga in, to make love in, to sleep in, to enjoy eating food in.

Because if life were fair.

I’d be dead.

Seriously.

So as I lay on that mat, softly tearing up, welling with emotions, I forgave myself, I forgave myself for it all and I made a promise, to my body, from my heart, I will do the best I can to take care of you, body, I will love you and nourish you and treat you kindly and exercise and keep showing up for yoga and it will be a life long amends.

I felt soothed and relieved and wiped out and it wasn’t even time to go to work yet.

A hot shower.

A hot cup of coffee.

Some oatmeal.

And work.

And love.

And yeah, so I didn’t get to that paper today, it would have been interrupted anyway, I did have a wonderful day with the baby and the boys and I took a long walk and I wrote the last of my Christmas cards and I sent out little reminders to friends about Sunday and brunch on my birthday.

My birthday feels so far away.

Until I finish the last paper, it all feels very far away.

Anyway.

Right here.

Right now.

I’m tired.

I’m going to make some more tea and snuggle into my cozy bed, watch my Christmas tree, revel in my body, grateful for all the places it has carried me today.

So grateful to be in this body.

Especially.

As I sit quietly waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in.

Seriously.

And It Was

December 11, 2016

A good day.

I’m a little jazzed up from all the dancing at the wedding and my toes are a little squashed, I don’t normally wear heels all day long and then dance in them, but it was a wedding.

And.

It was wonderful.

I got teary quite a few times.

The bride.

Lordy.

So beautiful.

The ceremony was sweet and funny and full of love.

I was happy to bear witness and be there and it’s been a while since I’ve been to a wedding and it felt really nice to be present to connect and reconnect with friends I don’t often get to see, to have some dancing time, some hugging time, some hanging out and being seen and seeing time.

Granted I am sure I will be hella tired tomorrow for my last day of classes of the semester.

But.

LAST DAY OF CLASSES OF THE SEMESTER!

So very grateful that’s happening.

I’m ready.

The last day of the motherfucking semester.

So lovely.

Today was rather hard to sit through, I had a slight headache and a little bit of tired and also it was rainy and torrential and very grey and wet and I just did not want to go to class.

I did though.

I got through the day.

I got back another paper from Family Therapy with some nice comments on it.

I had a wonderful lunch with a few friends from my cohort.

I got to flounce around the halls in my fancy dress and my blue suede shoes.

Sorry.

No pictures.

I tried taking a few, I did, my friend did, but I don’t know, I just was not feeling it.

Sometimes the pictures they happen and sometimes I can’t get the right angle to save myself and I get tired of taking selfies and I just stuck my phone in my purse and said, fuck it.

I look pretty in my dress, with my hair up and my red lipstick on and I don’t need photographic evidence and I don’t need to post 1,000 self-referential photos on social media.

The phone stayed in my bag most of the wedding.

There was a photographer there, I’m not worried about not getting to see photos from the day.

What was more important was to sit and connect and be with friends.

That was the best.

My best girl friend and I started shaping some definitive plans for a girl day hang out in January.

Sephora, The MOMA, The Balboa for a movie, Chinese food in the Richmond.

Yes.

Yes, please.

It was so good to see her.

It’s hard when your friends move away.

I’m so grateful that moving away was just to the other side of the bay, it’s still hard to get together and getting in and out of the city with the traffic is nuts on everyone so when we do get together, it is such a gift.

I’m lucky to have the women in my life that I do.

So very lucky.

Ah.

Yes.

There.

Winding down.

Hot tea in a cup.

Heels off in the closet.

Stockings slipped off my legs.

I’m still in my dress and crinoline, but bare toes on the rug and happy to be home.

If just for a little while.

I’ll be back up early in the morning and off to class, and gratefully, fingers crossed, I’ll be back on my scooter.

The rain looks like it’s passing for a bit.

I’ll be able to ride to class in the morning.

One more day of classes.

One more week of obsessing about when I’m going to get to writing my last paper.

Which I’ve already figured out will be Saturday, but I do hope I can do a little work on it Monday when I’m at work.

Wow.

Which I just realized.

Will be my last week with the family up in Noe Valley.

And then the week following my last week with my primary family.

The mom and I hammered out the last shifts that I’ll be working, they’re sort of odd hours since the boys will be out of school and the mom has some holiday stuff planned for them, activities, outings the like, I will have off schedule hours the whole week.

Monday will be 10a.m. to 6p.m.

Tuesday 9:30a.m.-5:30p.m.

Wednesday 9:30a.m.-5:30 p.m.

Thursday 9a.m.-1:15 p.m.

And.

Friday, December 23rd, my last day with the boys, 10:30 a.m.-1 p.m.

Fucked up.

But whatever.

I’m not going to worry about it, I am going to be flexible and be there and have a nice last week with them.

It’s wonky.

But.

I am grateful that I will be getting out of work so early on Friday.

I’ll be able to wrap up any last-minute errands I need to attend to before my flight out to Wisconsin and I’ll be able to be mellow about getting there.

I will pack day of when I get home and not be concerned.

I wish I had known that I was going to be out so early on that day, I would have scheduled an earlier flight, but it’s really handy to have the later flight and a good spread of hours to pack, clean, change clothes, tidy up and take care of any last-minute things that need to be taken care of.

Then a week off.

From work and school.

I really am going to take a week off.

No homework.

No reading.

No applying to practicum sites.

Nothing.

Just hang with my friend and her family.

Maybe nap.

Maybe read a book for pleasure.

God damn that sounds so sexy.

I’ve got some things between here and there.

But I’m getting closer and it’s damn nice to know that when I get up in the morning all I have to do is show up for my last day of the semester.

And then.

The Psychopathology paper grind will commence.

I will get it done.

Though.

I will.

I always do.

 

Wasn’t I Just Here?

December 4, 2016

Doing just this?

I mean.

Man.

The day went by so fast.

It’s 10 p.m. and I’m just getting settled in for the night.

I did not do any school work today.

As predicted I had a lot of other things to attend to.

And attend to them I did.

Yoga.

Which kicked my ass.

I have a sore shoulder that I think may actually be a repetitive stress injury from.

Wait for it.

Blogging.

I know.

Right?

I suspected one day when I realized that it was just my left shoulder and that it was a certain spot and oh shit, I am not sitting at my kitchen table straight on, always at a bit of an angle and I bet that is what it is.

I mean.

It is the only explanation.

So.

Over the last few weeks I have tried writing my blog in a different position and now my right shoulder hurts.

Ugh.

But it’s not the same kind of strain and I remember when I strained my right shoulder how long it took to heal, like forever, and I suppose I’m just going to have to deal with a sore shoulder.

The yoga is hard, but I’m not stressing it, I feel like I’m keeping it flexible and when it’s too hard I relax the pose.

I’m not able to do the depth of poses on my left side that I can do on my right, which bums me out a little, but hey, as my teacher said today, “be happy you got here, getting out of bed and to the class is the hardest thing you’re going to do today.”

I reminded myself of that.

“That was the hardest thing you’re going to do all day,” I told myself with a laugh and hopped into the shower.

I had a lovely breakfast and I have to say, a lovely hair day.

It’s so nice to not have lice.

So, so, so nice.

I had big, huge, full, wild, curly hair today.

It was awesome.

I laughed at myself a little too, really, you were going to cut this all off?

No.

I like it too much.

It stays.

After breakfast I zoomed up to the Inner Sunset and joined the birthday cake party at Tart to Tart.

It was just the most lovely time.

I am so grateful to be a part of this community, and the small little slice that I had today was just the best, to sit with women, wise women, experienced in love and laughter and joy and sorrow, survivors every one of them, and be counted and seen and appreciated.

Such a pleasure.

Such a gift.

I ended up staying for an hour longer than I was going to and it was the best.

No regrets at all.

After that.

Manicure.

Pedicure.

Eyebrow waxing.

Because there ain’t going to be no other time to do it in the near future.

Although I fucked up my manicure and will need to get it re-done.

I was aiming for a color that would go well with my dress for the wedding I’m going to next Saturday, but it’s a flat color and needs to be spot on to look tight and it got mucky and now looks like trash.

Must to re-do.

When?

Fuck if I know, I might just remove the polish myself and go with a clear coat that I can do without too much hassle.

Anyway.

I digress.

After that a very late lunch at La Fonda Mexican and then the decision.

Go into the throngs here, or go into the throngs there?

Shopping that is.

I needed to get a pair of shoes for the wedding to go with the dress I’m wearing, and I did find a pair and I’m very happy with them.

And.

I got all the other things I needed to get, plus a coat!

That was a happy surprise.

So.

The right decision to take the left turn was warranted.

I was debating going to the Nordstrom Rack over by 10th and Bryant or going downtown.

10th and Bryant has its upside, closed in parking, I know the store, I’d feel pretty comfortable, but it’s  Nordstrom Rack, not the real deal, and it’s always a crap shoot if I can find what I want, sometimes I do score and I’m happy but when I for sure need to make sure I get the right thing for my wardrobe I head downtown.

I was nervous about the crowds, but actually dealt with it really well and I got caught up in the energy of it.

Plus.

I was shopping at the end of the day around dinner time, since I had a late lunch I didn’t get down town until nearly 4:30 p.m.

I went to the Nordstrom Rack down town too, I mean, I sort of had to, it is the best place for me to buy jeans and I needed a new pair.

Plus, on the off-chance that I could find a pair of shoes I wanted to start where they would be the cheapest.

No go on the shoes.

But.

Yes.

One new black bra.

One new pair of jeans.

And one lightweight sweater I can wear in San Francisco and will layer up nicely in Wisconsin.

And!

One new coat.

A leather and wool motorcycle jacket that was extraordinarily marked down, like I got it for $74 and it was originally over $300, and though not quite heavy enough for Wisconsin winter, was roomy enough to let me layer a sweatshirt underneath and its fabulous and, well, um, heh, very cool.

I felt super sexy in it and sort of loved that I found it.

Totally surprised and quite pleased.

Then off to the real Nordstrom’s, which I don’t like shopping in since it’s so freaking huge and in the mall and the mall is huge and overwhelming and too many people, but I dashed in, looked around and found.

Nada.

So.

I knew I had to go to Macy’s.

And.

Yes.

I found my shoes there!

I have been looking at shoes on-line and had a good idea that I would find what I wanted through Nine West, but I wanted to be able to try them on and Macy’s sells Nine West and Nine West runs to a 12.

I wear an 11.5.

Sigh.

You know what they say.

Big feet.

Big shoes.

Depending on the brand I either go up or I if I  need to, I go down.

The twelves I tried on were too big and the elevens were perfect.

I got the sweetest pair of dark royal blue kitten heels.

They are going to go so freaking well with my dress.

I cannot wait.

Plus, they are super cute kitten heels and I can see wearing them with a lot of things.

Not that I’d be nannying in them.

But you know.

A date.

Or going out with girlfriends.

Then out of Macy’s.

I got in and out in less than twenty minutes.

Freaking miracle.

And I actually had enough time to pop into Gap which was eerily quiet and rummage alone through the sales racks.

Scored another sweater, a slip dress and a, ha, pink flannel shirt.

Because.

Wisconsin in winter screams for flannel.

Just saying.

Happy I found what I wanted and also that I was able to get in and out without too much hassle.

I love having a scooter.

Especially for finding parking.

And for zipping over the hills and zooming through the traffic.

I made my 7 p.m. commitment without a minute to spare.

A great share.

Great shares from the floor.

Hugs and check ins and then back here to home sweet home.

A late dinner.

Unpacking my goodies.

Chatting with my best friend in Wisconsin about my upcoming trip and some hot tea.

A good day.

And tomorrow.

Well.

It’s not here yet.

But yes.

There will be homework.

I had my reprieve.

It’s time to hit the books.

Or the laptop as the case may be.

I have papers to write.

I do.

I do.

Good night my friends.

It was a good day.

And I am so very aware of what a lucky girl I am.

Seriously.

Luckiest girl in the world.

 

 

 

Grind It Out

October 11, 2016

Although I say that, it really wasn’t that bad, but I was afraid it was going to be a very long day.

Normally on Mondays, normal, fuck me, what the hell is “normal” in my life at the moment?

Ahem.

Over the last couple of weeks on Mondays, let me rephrase, I have been working with this second family of three–6 1/2 year old, 4 year old, and a very adorable 20 month old–I normally see the boys for a bout 10 minutes in the morning, then they are off to school and I have the baby all day.

Wednesday I have all three, but Mondays, I’m just supposed to have the one.

Except.

Fuck.

Today was a holiday.

No school.

I had all three to start and boy howdy is it different to run with that much energy that fast.

I kept up, but I have to say I was extraordinarily relieved when I got a text from one of the moms saying that the grandma was going to swing by and pick up the boys for some grandma time.

Thank you God.

I needed that break.

I got about an hour without the boys during the baby’s nap time and was not only able to kick out a couple pages, four, of writing, but also do about a 1/2 hour of reading for school.

Not nearly as much as I was planning, ah, how God does laugh when I make plans, but it was enough.

I felt like I was making some head way, and I read a little bit after work as well before going to do the deal and get right with God.

It was a good getting right too, so grateful to have seen some folks and heard some things and exchanged hugs with folks I haven’t seen in a little while.

I’m liking getting done with work at a more sane hour and getting out to meet my fellows at a more reasonable time.

I’m not certain what the hours will be at the new job, but I suspect that they will also be on the earlier side as well.

And of course, as the boys I take care of tomorrow are also off from school for the holiday–except in San Francisco, god bless you SF, it’s called Indigenous People’s Day–I’ll be going in early to help the family cover that school time.

I am actually working closer to 40 hours and that’s a bit more than I have expected to be doing this semester, but fuck it.

The ticket to Paris ate my prudent reserve, so it feels nice to be putting some, even if it’s only a little, back into my savings.

And.

I am also navigating a trip back to Wisconsin for Christmas.

I haven’t seen my best friend from back home in a couple of years and that really is too long.

A ticket there is not as expensive as Paris, but it ain’t cheap either, especially around the holidays, but man, I could use some down time and some play time–she has three rambunctious, awesome, fun, smart boys, and I adore her hubbie as well.  All in all they are my favorite family and to be in Wisconsin with them and their boys at Christmas?

Well.

That would be a huge gift.

So pulling a few extra hours here and there is fine with me.

I’ll juggle it all.

I always manage to anyhow.

Despite what the crazy making brain tells me, things usually do work out just fine.

I have to take some action.

I have to have faith.

I have to let go of the results and show up.

That’s all.

Like it’s nothing.

But.

Really.

It’s everything.

And I’m super grateful, so grateful, that I have this solution thing.

I don’t have to focus on the “problem” the problem is always bullshit anyway, it’s like I have a pair of myopic glasses on that distort things and situations and blow them up really big.

The drama is usually just that, drama, not reality.

In the real, in the hear, in the now.

Well.

Shucks folks.

I’m fucking great.

Did I tell you that I just found out that I got my phone for free?

It turns out that my phone was a free promotional.

I had no idea.

I had thought that once I got my phone bill the new phone would be tacked onto the bill.

Nope.

It really was gratis, a promotional, a free fucking Iphone, for changing my plan.

And.

The best thing?

The bill was actually even cheaper than what the rep had told me it was going to be.

He basically knocked off $14 bucks a month and gave me a brand new phone.

Sure.

It’s a 5s and not the new 7, but who the fuck cares?

I certainly don’t, it does the deal and I’m super happy with it.

Life is good.

Busy, of course, but not impossible.

Hell.

I might even sneak in a date this week.

Yes!

I mean.

A girl needs to play a little you know?

Well.

This girl does anyway.

Heh.

Oh!

And hey!

Yes!!!

I just confirmed that I will be going to Wisconsin to see my friend.

I just need to figure out what is the last day I’m at work in my current job.

I should get that answer when I go into work tomorrow.

It feels good right now.

This life.

I am a very lucky girl.

I really am.

Happy.

Joyous.

And.

Motherfucking.

Free.


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