Posts Tagged ‘self-seeking’

And It’s Here

August 25, 2017

Holy shit.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my first day of classes in my third, and last, year of my Masters in Counseling Psychology program.

Fuck.

How did it get to be time already.

It feels hyper surreal.

On one hand I feel like I was just in class last weekend.

On the other it feels like years and ages.

I also have a better sense of what I’m walking into with my schedule as I have spent some time tonight doing more reading for class and looking over my syllabi for the classes I have tomorrow.

I only have two.

Which is a change from previous years when I had three classes a day on Fridays.

Of course.

I have practicum, which is the difference.

And beginning in September, basically after I get back from Burning Man, I will be seeing clients on Fridays.

And.

Sigh.

Saturdays too.

I have a few clients scheduled for my first weekend back from playa.

Mostly to make up for the sessions I will have missed by being out-of-town.

I was pleased and flattered when two of my clients asked me to make up sessions with them, they didn’t want to go two weeks without seeing me.

That was nice to hear.

I am doing a good job.

Not the best, I am far from the best, but I’m doing a decent job and I know that I am making headway with my clients and that they are getting something out of the relationship, enough so that they want to continue seeing me and wanting to make up for the lost sessions.

I am grateful for the work.

It is work.

Don’t get me wrong, but it is also such rewarding work.

And I am also happy that I am continuing to learn and make connections and see things, that the work generates constant learning is amazing.

I am not in a cookie cutter job, I am getting to constantly and consistently learn.

No better thing that.

I shall spend my whole life learning and still feel that there is so much more to know and learn and so much growth yet to be had.

Perhaps on this plane.

Perhaps in another.

I don’t know what or where any of this is going.

I just know that I want, with sincerest passion and longing, to be true to this moment, the one I am in, that in this moment there is constant love, consistency and self-awareness.

I am the best person I know how to be.

In this moment.

It will change.

I will have my failings.

I will freak out.

I will get scared.

I did today when I inadvertently flipped open Facebook, which I am less and less on, I just don’t have the time or bandwidth for it, to see a response to a post I had put up about having found a ride to Burning Man and how I was happy for it.

The response was from the woman I am going with.

And it should have been a direct message to me.

But.

Nope.

Of course it wasn’t, it was a post displayed for the entire forum to see, hundreds of folks.

I didn’t respond because it wasn’t the right thing to do and I felt instant, I mean, instant resentment.

Don’t fucking change things up on me now!

I am inflexible when I am in fear.

I want what I want and I want it the way that I want it.

Got that?

Good.

So, basically, do it my way.

Damn it.

But no.

My ride has some ideas, some thoughts, some desires to do it her way.

And as such.

Wanted to know if I would be open to renting a mini van.

Oh.

Well.

Fuck my life.

I had a fucking reservation made on my own to rent a god damn vehicle, a reservation I cancelled after securing the ride with the woman whom I am going with.

If I wanted to pay for a fucking rental I would have gone up on my god damn own.

This is my thinking walking down the hill on Chenery, on the way to go get my charge some snacks at the Glen Canyon Market and then go to the park at the rec center.

I almost said it out loud.

And no four-year old needs to hear my profanity.

I was, when I am in resentment it usually stems from fear–I’m not getting what I want or I am afraid I’m going to lose something–full of angry profanity and resentment.

I took a deep breath.

I did not respond on Facebook.

I paused.

I breathed some more.

I swore in my head some more.

Then I just got into, this is what’s happening and this is what is going on and I can accept the situation or I can rant like a maniac.

Do I want to be happy?

Or.

Right.

Right!

Just kidding.

Sigh.

I wish.

No.

I want to be happy.

And if my elderly lady stateswoman wants to rent a mini van, well so be it.

I let a lot of time go and I said some prayers and I did some spot check inventory in my mind and I realized a bunch of stuff.

I have a job to attend to.

I am with my charge and I have to go get my other charge across town.

I am in a pretty park with a sparkling water in my hand, I am outside, the grass is green, the pollinating plants smell intoxicating, the clover especially, and I am alive to have all these feelings.

I have the opportunity to accept what is going on and I prayed for guidance to take the next action in front of me.

So when the text came in from my ride I was able to respond, not react, and take a phone call.

Oh.

I still got flustered on the phone.

I had an idea of what I was going to spend on getting to the damn event and now I was facing having to pay more and I felt a bit in a bind, a bit out of control, like, I don’t have any other way at this time to get myself out there and I have a three-day weekend of school and the rest of the work day to get through.

I can’t fathom trying figure out other means of transport.

I told her I was willing to consider it.

I asked what she wanted by way of compensation.

She gave me, what I considered a vague, cop-out response, but, ultimately, the freedom to decide what I felt comfortable contributing.

I had a number in my head.

I paused for a while after getting off the phone.

I know I can afford it.

I am willing to pay more.

I don’t want to think about it.

I have other things happening before it.

I want to show up alive and present and enjoy every beautiful moment of my weekend.

So.

Whatever vehicle shows up for me on Sunday.

Well.

That’s the one I’m going in.

And whatever the cost.

Well.

That’s what I will be paying.

I’m just surrendering to what’s happening and letting God have it.

God always does in the end anyway.

I get to have this experience.

And like so many others.

I am sure there will be spiritual growth.

And.

Love.

I am certain of that.

There will be love.

There always is.

Let Me Just Spend Some Time

April 30, 2014

Working on myself.

By myself.

This is what the brain says to me, that I don’t need people, I certainly don’t, I got this handled, I can do it, go away.

I don’t even know what the hell it is that I have got handled.

But rest assured.

I have it.

My head was just a fright tonight on my way home from work. It was an off day, a day with a few scheduling surprises and I suddenly had a very topsy-turvy week happening, gathering all my things together, getting all the boys things together, preparing to not be nannying at my regular gig for a little bit.

One of the families had some unexpected travelling happen.

But it won’t happen until tomorrow.

I got the text when I got home from doing the deal in the in the Inner Sunset, that I was actually needed tomorrow.

I had to re-arrange my brain and my brain had just figured out what it was going to be doing and where and when, and you know my brain doesn’t like change, even when it’s good for me, it doesn’t like it and then I get the message.

Never mind.

I mean it’s not a total never mind, I will most likely not be nannying in Cole Valley for about a week, possibly a week and a half.

Which means that I will be in the Castro and that does affect my timing and my schedule and my get about and I will probably try to get my scooter out and going, I think it will be great practice for me and since I already made it up to the top of Castro Street, I should be able to make this one too.

But it won’t be tomorrow like I had thought.

It will be Friday.

And Thursday will be a regular day in the NOPA.

So, I am off kilter and the when I got home the only thing I wanted to do was dwell on my own shit and instead I sent my friend a text and said, I’m home, what do you need.

In seconds, a task, something to do, a way to get out of my head.

A trip to the 7-11.

A half-gallon of whole milk and a two-liter of Coca Cola.

Yes please.

Then, a walk through the last lingering lights of sunset to my friend’s place.

I dropped the milk and the soda in the fridge, fixed him a glass of Coke with some ice, washed his dishes and shot the shit for about an hour.

Boy howdy do I feel better.

It’s really simple.

And it’s always the same.

I can’t make myself feel better on my own.

I mean, yeah, there are things I can do in the privacy of my own time and place—like this blog—that do make me feel better.

But sometimes after a day of hanging out with a fifteen month old boy and a two-year-old boy, I need to engage with a friend who’s a little closer in age to me.

By the time I had finished my friends dishes I felt so much relief I cannot even explain it.

I really was glad he had dishes that needed doing.

Sometimes that small of a task can really help.

When I was at work earlier and I was not certain how things were going to suss them selves out and I felt a little crazy about the not knowing, I swept the floor.

It really helped.

Little stuff that I don’t typically talk about either.

Esteem able acts.

I did three today, and don’t you worry, I will be keeping them to myself, the fact that I even wrote that I did them takes a little of the satisfaction out of it, but suffice to say, I will sacrifice that to the blog.

My friend laughed at me after we had a minute to talk and catch up and see how the other was doing.

He’s only got two more weeks in the cast and I am really glad I have been able to do the few small things that I have.

I have gotten a better friendship out of the mix and a lot of relief from the crazy in my head.

Sometimes only a good friend is going to know the depth of that shit and some one who has been around the block a little longer than I and can give me some perspective on my crazy is a valuable asset.

I will happily wash your dishes again, my friend.

Although the next time we meet up we are going to the beach.

Saturday, a walk down to the ocean.

It will get him up and out and give me a little something to do on my Saturday that is social.

I have three commitments, but not always a lot of social things happening.

Then in a few weeks when he’s out of the cast and ready to do some exercising, I am going to tag along and go swimming with him out at Aquatic Park.

Yes, that’s right, I am going to go swimming in the Bay.

Looking forward to that.

I have never gone and I like the idea of going swimming at Aquatic Park before I attempt open ocean swimming.

Plus, there’s showers and lockers and buoys marking the course way.

“Can you do ¾ of a mile?” My friend asked.

That translates to about 1275 yards and though I haven’t been in a pool since I was in Paris, I can probably pull out a 1,000 yards without too much exertion.

What it will come down to is how long I can last in the water.

30 minutes without a wetsuit.

Longer if I decide to swim in my wet suit.

That’s all in the future, not here, not now, not something to worry about.

Thank God I have people in my life.

I can’t fix what’s broke with what broke it.

That is to say.

I can’t think my way into the solution.

But I can act my way there.

 Even if it’s by just doing the dishes.


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