Posts Tagged ‘Shakespeare’

Going Dark

June 9, 2017

I have been scrubbing my Facebook page of all my blog posts.

It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.

It was actually an interesting little trip down memory lane.

It was good to see the pictures and posts and the blogs and to see how steady I have been in my pursuit of this endeavor.

I suspect that as of this blog the readership will go down.

Down  a lot.

But so be it.

It’s the price I pay to get to continue doing this, my little love, my bunny, my pet project for the last seven years.

I will happily sacrifice readers to keep doing the writing.

I was talking with a friend and my words ran away with themselves.

I got so excited about writing and poetry and I just started gushing.

My heart raced.

Words get me all crazy.

I’m not a crazy cat lady.

I’m a crazy poetry lady.

You should have heard me reciting Shakespeare earlier.

I got all kinds of excited.

Ah, Old English you do me so well.

Heh.

Today I actually had time for poetic pursuits, not so much writing it, but perusing it, looking up some old favorites and wondering to myself if it weren’t time to go replace some books of poetry that I used to have in my small library.

When I moved to Paris back in 2012 I sold off all my books.

All of them.

It still hurts to think about a little, some tenderness there, but I wanted to throw myself at the Paris experience and I knew I wasn’t going to pack a bunch of books up with me and carry them across the pond.

No.

I sold them.

I stored a few personal belongings of my own, small framed art works and pictures, my notebooks, my own writing, in a friend’s garage, but aside from that I got rid of everything else.

Books.

Clothes.

Shoes.

Everything but my bicycle and some clothes in a roll on suitcase.

I came back with that same roll on luggage and my bicycle.

And.

Ten dollars.

I don’t regret it, but yeah, I did have a moment today when I realized I had sold my copy of Pablo Neruda’s 100 Love Sonnets.

That I didn’t have my complete works for Shakespeare, leather-bound from my undergraduate days.

Or.

Sigh.

My collection of TS Eliot.

Also from undergrad.

And.

Oh.

My OED.

My Oxford English Dictionary.

I sold that too.

I think this may be the first time I have ever admitted that in writing in a public forum.

It was a graduation gift from a set of girlfriends in Madison who were my best friends for years before I moved to San Francisco and became a raging drug addict whose friends wanted nothing to fucking do with her whatsoever.

I managed to keep that damn dictionary through years of moves and geographics and even pretty damn far into sobriety.

But.

I decided to let it go.

It was for God to have.

It was always Gods.

I went into Alley Cat Books on 24th Street a few months ago to see if the OED was still there, I was on my way to an appointment and really did not have time to stop in and look, but the last time I had been in there, the dictionary was still there.

Granted that had been over a year and a half ago.

I didn’t see it, but they had re-arranged the store and I was too shy and pinched on time to ask the clerk if they still had it.

One day I’ll replace those words.

And one day these words will be replaced.

All words are infinite.

All moments meaningful, lustful, alive, here and present and a live and loved in my heart.

I don’t have much contact with any of those old girlfriends, but they live in my heart.

And I won’t ever forget what it felt like to get that gift at my graduation party.

I can still feel the weight of it in my hands and I knew the moment it was set in my arms what it was.

I was blown away.

To be seen for what I love is important.

Although not important enough for me to have to do it, the writing or the reading, all good writers have to read too, I love an audience, but I don’t need one to write.

God is my witness.

My heart is my muse.

I am a channel and I don’t know where it comes from or where it’s going to go.

Only that it will.

These words.

Into the ether.

Into the void.

From out my fingers, from out of my heart, with passion and providence, into the universe.

Perhaps the words will fill the voids between stars, the emptiness that needs be filled by poetry until all the worlds are seemless and held in beauty, together under the great bounty and soulshine, the light will cover the dark.

Or not.

I don’t know.

I can’t ever really know.

I will just keep writing and trying and falling and stumbling and getting up again.

I believe I will fly one day, if not this day, then the next.

And every word I put down an attempt at faith in something so much bigger than I, a tiny glimpse, a sliver of honey and lavender crystals, a shining cello note, a sting pulled, a plucking, a bewitching, an enamourement, a leap,  and love tossed I jump.

I don’t need to know where I land.

The leaping.

Well.

It is enough.

It always is.

 

Princess Tea

May 7, 2017

Fragments left on the floor for us to pick up.

See it and let it in.

At the vanguard of the moment.

The weight, burden, guilt of stars pressed

Into our bones, the enduring precocity.

Me thinkest thou dost protest too much.

Presume, defended I am, in my tea

Hat, rosebuds, faded pinks, blue corn flowers,

Yellowed enamel, princess plates, delicate sandwiches

With crusts cut off, in my role,

Childlike wonder(ing) in arenas of crystal

Sugar, so far I have to go

To be comfortable, because I am

Culpable.

Resource my self.

Infuriating to show you what you don’t want to see.

LOVE.

This is the thing that is

Happening.

Right.

Now.

The girl in the daffodil dress plays in the

Grass, spilling her crumpets, a shower of crumbs

So that the rabbits may feed under the fawning dusk

Undisturbed by the indelicacy of indelible love and the

Transparent violence of interruption

There of.

And so.

We wander.

Each to each in bowers of spring flowers.

In the trumpeted throat of the cala lily

I blow my heart out.

Breaking it.

That broke open.

It may hold more.

You, and you, and you,

My darlings.

My violets in the high grass

Of summer.

Carmen, Let’s Not

December 22, 2016

Talk about it.

“It makes me sad to think about it,” he sighed and leaned into me.

I had just chased him down from the kitchen to the dining room into the living room where we collapsed on the leather couch by the Christmas tree.

He was full of wiggles and silliness, but underneath was far more sorrowful than I had even realized.

“The Santa in the van bag,” he said looking at the back of the Christmas tree, “that’s from you, isn’t it.”

“Yes, doll, it is, but you have to wait until Christmas day, but yes you guessed right, there’s a present in that bag for you and one for your brother,” I said and stroked his hair.

“Are you really going to be done on Friday,” he asked me.

“Yes, my sweet boy, I am, that is my last day,” I answered him, my heart swelling up.

I have said many good byes over the years to my charges, but most of them, I think, I could be wrong, but I think, didn’t realize that I was saying goodbye for good. I have not had the experience of being with older kids, older, ha, 6.5 years old and 4.5 years old, still so sweet and young (although completely dastardly about the potty talk, my God, little boys like to talk about poo, I had an idea, but shit, hahahahaha, pun intended, they do!) and so tender, but so much more cognizant of what is happening to them and around them.

“Carmen, I don’t want to talk about it, it just makes me sad to think about it, I’m going to cry when you leave,” he said looking at the Christmas tree and holding my hand.

OH MY GOD.

Child, you are breaking my heart.

I seriously do not know how I wasn’t a slobbering mess on the couch.

I mean.

Oof.

So much love and bitter sweetness, this saying goodbye.

I won’t lie, there’s also a part of me that is ready for the next adventure, I am, but I am also having all the feels.

Every damn one of them.

I have gotten, with both boys, this past week, to have quiet moments with each of them that have just blown my heart to smithereens.

Reading and cuddle time with the littlest and though has officially phased out of the nap stage, he still gets awful cozy around quiet time and just wants to cuddle on my lap and read stories.

I am super grateful that I have had this last week with them, pretty uninterrupted with other jobs, school, or life stuff.

Oh.

Life stuff is still happening, but I have gotten to work full-time hours with the boys, breakfast to dinner the last three days and though occasionally a goofy handful, there’s not really been tempter tantrums or drama.

Knock on wood.

Tomorrow and Friday I will have short days with them.

Tomorrow I go in early and I’m just edging into up past my bed time with my early start, but I had to write, not having written last night.

My blog got laid.

Ahem.

And so I had to write tonight.

I don’t like taking too much time off from it, and though the lack of sleep my affect me a bit, I’ll be out early as well.

The mom is taking the boys to A Charlie Brown Christmas matinée at the San Francisco Symphony.

I”ll do breakfast, a dash out to the park, lunch, baths probably and then get the boys dressed up in their finest.

Their finest is pretty fucking cute too.

Little velvet blazers.

Ugh.

Adorable.

And, AND, bow ties.

I mean.

Seriously, the cute factor is off the hook.

So I’ll be out by 1:30 p.m.

I have a meeting with my person and then a bit of free time before doing the deal.

I’m thinking that once I finish up with my person I will head over to Folsom and 14th, right around the corner from Rintaro.

I’m not going to go eat high-end Japanese street food, although there’s always  a desire to eat good like that all the time, it’s pretty outside the box as far as what I want to drop money wise on food.

No.

I’m not going to be grabbing a bite.

Rather.

I discovered a new Thai Massage place that had just opened and it had a bunch of grand opening specials listed on the chalk board outside the store front.

Including a free ten minute hot/dry sauna.

Oh yes, I’d like that please and thank you.

I’m thinking that I’ll book myself a massage for Friday after my last day with the boys.

I’m getting out early on Friday as well.

I think by 1 p.m.

The boys and I will do breakfast, maybe go to the park, but secretly I think I will take them to Ritual Coffee and get a last latte with them and get them little steamed milks or hot chocolates and we’ll sit on the big carved ship bench parklet in front of the cafe and play pirates.

Then the house, one last lunch with my monkeys and then they, lucky boys, are going to a private showing of Star Wars at the Roxie Theater in the Mission with a friend and classmate whose mum rented the theater for his birthday.

Nice birthday party if you can get it.

Heh.

I was, at first, a little upset that our last day was going to be cut short.

Then.

I had a change in perspective and got really grateful.

What better way to leave?

On a happy note, saying goodbye may make the boys a little sad, but hey, they’ll be heading shortly thereafter to Star Wars on the big screen.

That should provide a little distraction.

And.

It’s not a final goodbye, they will be in my lives, probably more so than many of my past charges, as the new family I work for attends their school.

I will get to see them and hug them and watch them grow bigger.

“You’ll visit us though, right?”  He asked, worriedly taking my hand, “please visit us, as much as you can.”

Oh bunny.

“Yes, as much as I can, I won’t be leaving your life, I promise,” I hugged him and though I teared up, I did not cry.

Saved that up for right now.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

That I shall say goodnight.

Till it be morrow.

Poetry in Motion

March 1, 2011

I am going to write a sonnet this blog.  It has been a little while since I have done one.  And I rarely, if ever, I’m perusing the memory banks as I write this, have I done one on the computer.  Usually I write out all my poems long hand.

I do a lot of writing long hand.  When I took a course with Alan Kaufman five years ago he heavily suggested and encouraged the group to do their writing long hand.  I was vastly relieved as at that time I did not have a lap top and the computer I did have was so old I hardly used it out of fear that it would disintegrate at my touch.

I came to really love writing that way.  I still do it everyday, give or take, I do miss a day on occasion.  Mostly I do stream of consciousness writing.  I call it a writing meditation.  I just sort of open up my head and dump it onto the page.  I never go back and re-read it.  I just drop it and go.  It frees me up to do other things.

And it’s not like this blog.  I think about what I’m going to write on this blog pretty much every day.  I often times don’t know what my topic is going to be until I start writing.  Inevitably my brain says, oh so slyly, you ain’t got nothing to share, sistah, give it up.

But there is always something lurking there.  Some line of words, or poetry, an image that I cannot get from my mind.  And so it goes.  I will click onto new post, the blank page pops up and something comes to the forefront of my brain and then I’m off.

Time Pieces

I am the tick tock girl.  Chasing down the hours of the day

to claim them later at your refusal.  I cluster flowers in my

hair and hope that you will notice them.  A bright spray

of poesies and daisies and jasmine.  I am so forever shy,

yet fearless in my pursuit of the now.  The French market

clock in my kitchen always stands at five to five.  I cannot

tell you if it is the morn that calls or the eve.  Then a carpet,

flower petals scattered here and there, trailing blue bonnet

essence in my heart shatters my reprieve and the cats claws

dig and knead and I forget what it is to croon to you, love, lover

loveliest.  The shadows fall down the sky, tumbling bylaws

shepherding my dreams, heralding my losses, keeping forever

time eternal.  I have sprung.  The springs have popped, freeing

me from you, noxious romance, petulant unrequited being.

Well, there it is.  I have no idea how that works.  But that’s my sonnet.  I like to write in the traditional Shakespearean form–which is as follows: 14 lines of verse comprising 6 stanzas of rhyming couplets finished with an end cap of two that rhyme together.  The scheme is as follows: abab cdcd efef gg.

The last couplet is the turn.  Shakespeare is nefarious at leading us down one lovely path of thought, then abruptly shifting it at the very end and giving the entire piece a twist.  My favorite is the turn at the end of the sonnet that begins “My mistress eyes are nothing like the sun.”  So delicious.

The reader thinks that the voice is lauding the beauty of the woman in the poem.  But at the end Shakespeare surprises you with a vehement thrust of accusation wherein the reader realizes that the woman has been cheating on the man.  She has in fact betrayed his love.  Very powerful.

I don’t know that all my turns are that successful, or that powerful.  Doubtful you know, I’m not equating my work with Shakespeare’s.  But it does provide me a wonderful template to structure my words.  What I love about formal verse is that it stretches my brain.

I used to predominately write free verse.  And then I found that my mind was challenged to find words that rhymed and worked in the structure of the poem.  I wrote ballads, ballades, sestinas, villanelles, sonnets, the only formal verse that I really struggled with where limericks.  Not a big fan of the limerick.

I wrote the above sonnet without going back and changing anything.  Now what I’m going to do is edit for spelling and see if the piece holds up to the structure of the sonnet.  If so, I will post ASAP.

This blog’s for the one who requested some poetry.  May this fit the bill.


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