Posts Tagged ‘sierra music festival’

Administrative Duties

May 22, 2012

Yes, I do them in my own life as well as at work.

I paid the bills today.  Went to the bank, pulled out cash to pay the rent (yes, I pay rent early, when I know I won’t get paid again until after the first, it makes better sense for me to do now and be proactive), balanced the check book, put money in my savings account (the one called Paris), and wrote out the check to renew my passport.

Now all I have to do tomorrow is drop all the paperwork in the mail.  It was a touch surreal to write a check to the Department of State.

Fact, is this whole thing has been surreal.  Wonderful yes, but surreal none the less.

Maybe hyper-real is better.

I find myself spinning out in my brain at times about the hows and the whys and the whens and the what ifs….then I take a big breath and some small little action.

It keeps working.

I also upped my meditation again.

I am now at fourteen minutes.

There is a serenity party going on in my house.  Get on board. Whew, the big fifteen minutes might even happen this week.

I did laundry, took out the recycling, went grocery shopping and almost fell into the Henry Hall trap again.

Damn you man, how come you are all about calling me right now?  Ah, friend, old friend, old flame, just die off hey, now, wouldn’t you?

Don’t call me on Valentines Day and wish me a happy Valentines Day and tell me about driving through the country and thinking about me.  Please don’t.

Then, I too must not pry.  It is so not my business to enquire after your relationship with your partner, the mother of your children.  Not my business.

And yet, the words just flew out of my mouth like swallows out of a barn at dusk.

Ugh.

I get to keep re-learning.

Thanks God.  I did retract my offer to go to the High Sierra Music Festival with him and his friend Mark.  Who I have not seen since he dropped me off at my old house on Potrero and 25th after we had been all out drinking and I was loaded on coke and oh yeah, I am fairly certain I made a complete inappropriate pass on.

Because if you can’t seem to manage to land the love of your life, it’s a great idea to fuck his best friend.

Ack.

Quite glad Mark turned down my offer.

Man was I a hot mess.

Henry and Mark and a music fest in the High Sierra’s.  Pot, beer, partying.  No thanks, I know better.  Henry is going to want to hang with his friend and let loose since he won’t have his kids and I don’t want to be around my friend when he’s had a few.

I love him, but now I know that I love me more.

I also love the idea of having a cup of coffee with him when he flies into San Francisco to meet Mark and then waving fair well to them as they hit the road for their weekend of music and debauchery guy friend thing.

I have better things to spend my time and money on.

I also deserve to have a relationship with someone who is available.  I heard Henry’s hesitation when I proposed coming along, I mean, hey, I’m not going to Burning Man, might as well make a trip of some sort, but I steam rolled over it.

Fortunately, Henry was honest with me about the fact he was uncomfortable with it.  Not from the stand point of spending time with me, but he was frank, he wanted to party with Mark.  And I am sober.

Nothing really puts a kibosh on a good old-fashioned let’s get shit faced weekend with the boys, then a sober friend.

I totally got it.  Thank God for perspective too, I don’t want to go.  I don’t want to waste another precious minute of my life pining after something that is not real and I don’t want to see my friend drunk or high.

I don’t care if he does or if you do or if the President does, it’s none of my business.

However, it’s not fun for me to hang out around.  I have absolutely no desire to imbibe, in fact, the thought rather grosses me out.  It smells bad, it looks bad, and I don’t need to check out.

Even when reality is intense and I think I am being overwhelmed with all the things going on.

Really, there is nothing going on.  I am sitting at my desk writing and listening to the Beetles.  I wrote a few checks today and did errands.  I took the next action toward fulfilling a life long dream, no biggie.

And it was no biggie.

That is the magic of how it happens.  Just one tiny bit of action and it all adds up.

You really can do anything you want.

You just have to do it.

You also don’t have to do those things that you don’t like because you, I have an old out dated idea of love.

I am worth more.

I have acted as if for long enough now to actually believe that and now it seems that all that work is really, really paying off.

I have been stripped down, cleaned up, and inwardly re-organized.  I have a little more inventory to write and some other acts of personal house cleaning to do in the next couple of days, but for the moment, all the actions I needed to do today have been done.

The big one was the to not do something and just sit still.

Helped me focus on cutting that check to the State Department instead of funneling money to a music festival I don’t want to go to in the first place.

I know what I want today and it is not a music festival.

I want Paris.

Eiffel Tower

The Eiffel Tower as seen from the Left Bank, Paris.

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