Posts Tagged ‘site’

You’re Killing Me

April 24, 2017

WordPress You’re Fucking Killing Me       *This blog written 4/23/17 while WordPress site was down.

 

I just want to write my heart out after having written 25 pages of academic writing over the last two days all I want to do is free associate my ass off and yet, again, you foil me.

My site is still inaccessible.

Sad face.

At least I found out the reason why, the site did an update to work out “some bugs” and that happened on, yes, of course, 4/20 (hmm, who was smoking the doper that day) when I was trying to post up my poetry post.

It’s the fucking 23rd and I still can’t write posts on the site.

It’s annoying and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I was able to leave a comment on the WordPress Facebook page, amongst 100s of others that I was not able to access my blog and hopefully they will get it worked out tomorrow.

I mean.

I have a big ass week ahead of me.

I have just begun the work, or so it feels, the work is always happening.

I told myself, well, I wrote to myself this morning about the work and how it would get done and that I was going to be ok and I could write the damn paper, even though it feels like all I did yesterday was work on the paper, but that was the transcription.

I reasoned with myself as I sat and did my Morning Pages that whatever happened I was ok today and was going to be ok.

I quickly listed all the things I had already done that morning—yoga, abstinent, healthy, organic breakfast, washed my dishes, took a shower, made a latte, I had prayed and made my bed, I was writing my pages, I was ok.

Further.

I was going to meet with a ladybug today and do some reading with her at a café and I had a speaking engagement that I was going to do at 4p.m.

The paper was going to get done and I would be ok.

I go through the same emotional shit every time I write a paper, at least I recognize the pattern and I do the work anyway.

In fact.

Once I was into the paper writing, after another quick prayer and putting away my dishes (got to have a clean house to write a paper), it went so swimmingly that I was startled when my alarm went off letting me know I had to head out the door to the Church Street Café in the Castro at Church and Market.

Shit!

I am almost done!

But I was ok with that, I had maybe another page to write and I was well aware that I could do that when I got home, which, of course, I did.

I was super grateful to get out of the house and to sit in a café and not talk about school stuff, oh a little snuck in, but it wasn’t too bad.

The focus was on recovery and the conversation on the reading.

Grateful.

I got to go do the deal shortly thereafter and I got the nicest compliment after speaking from someone who has seen me from the very start, I mean day one.

“Is it just me, or have you dropped your defenses a bit more?” He asked while giving me a very big hug.

“Yes,” I smiled.

“It is lovely to see,” he smiled back and walked away.

I remember him telling me years ago how defended I was and I had absolutely no clue what the fuck he was talking about.

It has taken me a long time to soften, to sweeten, to let you in.

The walls they go up now and again, but for the most part, I see that I have relaxed my vigilance and I am much more vulnerable than I was, especially in the beginning of my recovery.

I still have so far to go, but I feel it, this easing of my defenses and it is a comfort, it has been “sometimes slowly” my entire recovery and in hindsight, fucking thank god.

I also realize my tolerance for pain is much lower, my threshold will not withstand the shenanigans I used to do to keep people at arms length.

Eventually my arms got tired and I dropped them.

Only to receive more love than I could have ever imagined.

It is lovely.

Lovely to have that experience, and then hop on my scooter come home and throw a chicken in the oven and let it roast up while I was finishing my paper.

14 pages.

I finished the one page that it needed to wrap it up, proofed it, edited it, made sure I had all the important stuff the teacher wanted for it, including the correct e-mail to send to the paper to.

And voila!

It’s off into the ether and I’m done with it.

So grateful.

Super fucking grateful.

I still have two more papers I have to do.

I have cued up the next thing I need to do, listen a second time to a two hour podcast on This American Life that I will be basing my Trauma paper on, on my phone, so I can listen to it at work (although not when the little guys are home from school, not appropriate listening for them by far) and I know, know very well, that I am in it for the next week and a half.

Next weekend I will have to finish two papers.

One I will write on Saturday and one I will write on Sunday.

And then it will be done.

One more big fucking push.

And tomorrow I start supervision.

I will basically have started summer school before the spring semester has finished.

Rolls eyes.

No break for me.

Well.

Ha.

Paris.

Oh, Paris, I cannot wait.

Yesterday I wore a pair of tights I bought in the Marais the last time I was there as an incentive to get me working on the paper.

Today I wore a dress I plan on strolling the streets in.

I also have loaded Paris weather on my phone and I have been checking that.

It’s getting warmer, 70s predicted for next week.

One paper closer.

I am getting there.

Two to go.

I can do this.

I can.

Paris.

I will see you soon.

Je t’aime trop.

 

Last Night’s Blog

March 29, 2017

Site Down*

My WordPress site has been down all day.

I don’t know exactly why, but I can’t post a new blog and I’m a little frustrated with it.

They upgrade and change things far more frequently than I like but since it’s a free hosting service, I suppose I’ll let them off.

I mean.

I could pay for a domain and I could upgrade to a “better” blog within the site too, but the fact is I’m fine not paying for anything at the moment.

I just had a big calming talk with my financial insecurity fear and myself.

I wrote a check for my health insurance payment and I start therapy tomorrow.

And I am seeing my money dwindle fast.

It felt a little scary.

Hey, rent is due soon too.

But.

I have enough.

I am enough, I have enough, God didn’t bring me this far to drop me on my ass, and I will be taken care of.

The money is there, I told myself.

And yes, the therapy is not something I wish I was paying for at the moment, but I need to do it for school and I need to do it for myself and well, I tell myself, I am worth the money.

So off to therapy I will go tomorrow and I will live one week at a time and one week at a time I will let go of a little money to get me further along on the path that leads to my goal.

Today I fantasized what it would look like if I won the lottery.

Not a big whopping lottery, but you know, say 4 million.

The amount of the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts raffle.

Which is also known as the San Francisco Dream House raffle.

The proceeds benefit the arts community, specifically the Yerba Buena Center that is downtown across from the MOMA.

I have always loved their space and every year I see that raffle come up for the dream house and I find myself fantasizing about what it would look like if I won.

You either get your choice of a house, the one on raffle is up in Twin Peaks, or you get the cash prize.

This year it is $4 million.

What I would do with $4 million.

Pay off my student loans and pay for the PhD track through my school.

Buy a house.

Yes, I would, I don’t want the one up in Twin Peaks and I could still buy a house and have money left over, pay off the student loans, get more schooling.

I wouldn’t quit school.

But I would sure as shit quit work.

I’d just go to school and go to yoga and I would buy myself a new cello, go to the Luthier on Divisadero Street that the San Francisco Symphony goes to, and I would take lessons.

I would buy myself a brand new Jeep Wrangler Sport in Midnight Blue.

I might get a trailer for Burning Man.

I would probably get a trailer for Burning Man, who am I kidding, I would definitely do that.

I wouldn’t bat an eye at going to therapy once a week, heck I might go twice for a little while just to see how that feels.

I would travel.

Natch.

Venice, Barcelona, Madrid, Mallorca, Greece, Ibiza, Hawaii.

Paris, of course.

Did I mention I would pay off my student loans?

Yeah.

It’s fun to daydream a little bit.

And I did have to give myself a gentle little pep talk when I was writing out my health insurance payment for the next three months, remember, you get money from your employers, you’ll be ok, for health insurance, remember you’re going to work this weekend to help them out, you’ll make extra money this week.

I’ll be ok.

I am going to be working and schooling a lot for the next few weeks.

But.

One wonderful thing I discovered.

I was wrong about when the kids are on Spring Break!

I thought it was this week and it’s not.

In fact, it’s not for another two weeks and the family is going to be out-of-town for a long weekend, so April 10th and 11th, the Monday and Tuesday after my next weekend of classes, I will have off.

Which is good as I’m looking at working three weeks in a row straight.

I am going to need a couple of days off.

I was so grateful to find that information out today.

It took such a big amount of stress off my shoulders.

Plus, I had thought I wasn’t going to have any down time this week to finish up my school reading, if the kids are off on Spring Break I have to be engaged, I can’t just pick up one of my therapy books and read.

But.

They are not on break and I will have breaks all this week at the house for quiet and reading.

I didn’t today, but I wasn’t expecting to, so when I found out I will have the next weeks to do homework during the day while the kids are at school and I’m on my lunch break, well, that’s huge for me.

There was reprieve in my body today and in my being and I appreciated so much having it.

And I got to have some good baby snuggles today and the biggest smiles, he’s starting to smile and it’s just so good.

Warm baby snuggles, sunshine forecast for the next week and a half, long lunch breaks I can read homework during, autonomy at work, my health insurance is paid and I start therapy tomorrow.

It’s all good.

And.

The money will be there when I need it.

It alwasy is.

Seriously.

 

*This post was written on Monday, March 27th.


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