Posts Tagged ‘snuggle bunny’

A little Sad, A Little Lonely

August 25, 2013

I just wish that you were here to hold me.

Fell into the self-pity trap today.

Everyone has someone but me.

Gah.

I hate that my head goes there.

I am just feeling a little isolated while everyone is out there building and hammering and setting up theme camps and getting their party on.

The event opens in eight hours and it’s already pretty crazy out there.

But I am not out there.

I am in here.

I am at camp.

I agreed to it.

The parents are in the middle of their longest shifts.

Dad went on shift today at 7:30 a.m. and is still working.  He had no breaks, no naps, cereal for dinner.  Mom started at 8a.m. and she is still working.  Although she did get a nap and I got an hour break mid day.  It is eleven p.m. right now.  Mom should be in by midnight or so, dad a little thereafter.

In that hour break, while mom napped with the baby,  I would have gone out and taken photographs, but my camera was in dad’s car and dad was all over the place, but never in the neighborhood.

I might have gone for a bike ride, but the wheel is flat.

Maybe, I thought, I should just take a nap.

No!

You only have this hour, do something with it.

I am working now.

Not crazy work, but I am here, I am awake, I am tied to camp until mom and or dad comes back.  Dad is actually working fairly close to me so it’s not a huge deal that I am here and since I knew I was going to be in it I told my friends that I would not be out and about.

However, I am feeling lonely, the irony of being at Burning Man is that sometimes you can get really isolated.  And I also happened to have fallen into the expectations trap once again.  Which I had believed to have avoided really well, but fucking things snuck up on me today.

Too many couples cuddling around me in cute furry outfits.

Fuckers.

Go away.

I want to be cozying up to some snuggle bunny.

I want someone to be holding my hand and making out with me.

Which is pretty much what I always want at Burning Man and I typically get bit by that expectation.

I have written of it again and again and again and frankly, I am tired of it.

“You will keep repeating the same relationship until you learn what you need to learn,” she said to me when I complained about my room-mate.

I can’t get out of this relationship, it is with myself.

I am stuck with me.

I write the god damn affirmations all the time, but sometimes those old records get slipped out of their dust covers and I am playing the I am so lonesome blues once again.

Really what it comes down to is that I am tired.

I have been working twelve days in a row, seven of which have been out here on playa, and the last two have been 8 a.m. to midnight or there about.

So, yeah, feelings, I am having them.

What I am doing, however, is just letting them happen.

And I am practicing good self-care.

I expressed that I really needed a shower, and I went and took one.  I got in a small nap today too.  The hour that I was free to wander about I ended up sitting down in a camp rocking chair and closing my eyes.  I accidentally fell asleep.

My intentions were to do something, but when the bicycle and the camera were taken away and I was left with nothing but myself, myself needed to sleep.

I certainly did not think I was going to do that, especially with the camp next door blasting old Snoop Dogg.

But I fell the fuck out.

And when the mom popped out of the trailer one hour later I startled awake and apparently I woke up on the wrong side of the rocker.

I was emotional, I still am, but it is passing.

And this is Burning Man, where the crucible is harsh and the layers get scrubbed down fast and the emotions are just there.

Part of being able to have these emotions, too, is that I am safe and protected and very well taken care of.  I have food and shelter, amazing shelter, hot tea, and shade during the day time, A/C when ever I need it.

Sometimes when I have everything I need I end up yearning for things I want, it’s somehow permissible to yearn then.

But truly, if I am not happy with what I have, why would more make me happy.

I like myself and I like that I can feel.

In fact, I am very lucky.

I am not checked out.

I am present.

Oh, so present.

Which is a gift.

The nice thing about having a good cry?

It’s done.

It’s cathartic and I usually feel hollowed out and clean and ready to be filled with joy afterward.  I am allowed to be sad, I am allowed to run the full gamut of feelings.

And they are feelings, not facts.

Which doesn’t discount my need to have them.

Thankfully I don’t stifle them anymore.  I have them, they go, and then I move forward.

There will be another 24 hours of really intense work–which is not quite that hard, more just that I am tired to it, I am here to be of service and I get to be a little cog in the machine that makes Burning Man go.

That is pretty special.

Tomorrow I will throw on my crinoline in acknowledgement of the gates opening and I will smile and gift my love and my strength and my grace.

I have plenty yet to give.

And a heart freshly washed with tears to open up to the sky.

One week down.

Two to go.

Hang on, it’s going to be an emotional ride.

It always is.

Temporary Digs

July 29, 2012

I missed my blog last night.

I missed this, sitting at the keyboard, a cup of Bengal spice tea steaming alongside me, listening to music, typing away about my day.

I forgot to bring my laptop with me to the house sitting gig and instead of writing I got myself situated.  I spread out a little, I played with the cats, I fed the fish, I still made tea, and I read for a little while in bed.

I thought I would have a hard time falling asleep, but no, Alex and Shannon’s bed is a dream.

Note to self, a nice bed really does make a difference.

Note to self, time to get a nice bed.

Well, maybe not quite yet, I think  a nice bed may cost as much as a ticket to Paris, so I doubt that I will be purchasing one any time soon, but my gosh, when I have some cash, and I am situated, preferably in Paris, I am going to invest.

I slept so well.

I fell asleep with Miss Penelope La Roux snuggle atop me.

Mushi deigned to let me pet him, but Miss La Roux and I could not get enough of each other.  I did not know how much I missed having a cat around.  Especially a snuggle bunny kitten.

She crawled all over me.  There was a moment when I thought, nope, I am going to be putting her out of the room, but the purring and the snuggling were too sweet to let go of and I drifted off on the cloud of a bed and was deliciously cradled and blissfully slept.

I fell asleep thinking of Robin and how much fun it was to flirt with him last night.  Some how it is ridiculously easy to flirt with some one when I don’t think it will go anywhere and I also found out he was not even here in town anymore.  I had just thought he was over in the Avenues living with his brother.

Nope.  He had moved back to Minnesota and was back for a job interview.

Minnesota, the Avenues, really, about the same difference.

I had not seen him in some time and it was fun to reconnect.  I briefly flirted with idea of just blatantly propositioning him, but I could not quite do it.

I fell asleep thinking it would be fun to just make out and have a good snuggle with the boy, and boy is about the gist of it, he is a young’un.

Then, out of the blue, this morning I woke up from a dream.  A dream where I was looking at some one who was looking at me with those fathomless blue eyes that know you like them and maybe they like you, but they are certainly not going to say anything, now are they?

It was 6:39 a.m.

I cannot remember the last time I actually woke up during a dream.  It has been a long time.  I do dream, but as I keep myself so busy, I rarely wake in the night to dreams.  My REM cycle is quite undisturbed.

I have very vivid dreams and when I remember them I remember them in Technicolor.

His eyes, wide sky blue, deep, wry, quixotic.

I did not fall asleep again thinking of Robin, that’s for sure.

Although, I did awaken to a flirtatious text from the boy.

As though it was going to go anywhere.  Fly away pretty young one, back to the land of 10,000 Lakes from whence you came.

I will say this much, it is nice being paid attention too.  I don’t know if it is because I have become so easy in my skin or if it’s just the hounds sniffing the departure date.

Perhaps it is because I am more and more embracing my authentic self.  That ended up being my ideal.  When I left Carolyn that was the summation of the inventory, the cherry on the sundae, so to speak.

A sea salted carmelized sundae of humility with a pickled sour Queen Anne cherry perched a top mounds of whipped love.

I really do feel inwardly re-arranged, it does happen.  The metamorphoses is not complete, but I feel freer than I have ever felt before.  More at ease, more relaxed, more authentically me.

Softer.

Tempered.

Striped down to the essential me.

My heart has felt outside of my rib cage and I feel an exquisite ache in my breath in my throat, in my shoulders, in my bones.

The ride has been tumultuous and the hallway long.

I was so entrenched in my old ideas of self it is hard to believe I was able to dig my way out.  I am resoundingly grateful that I allowed the pain to swallow me whole and spit me back out onto the beach of a new world, a new self, a new landscape.

I can remember with all too much alacrity how desperate I was in December and January.  How difficult it was to be in a new job and not have a place to live.  I felt absolutely adrift.  I cannot recall a birthday where I cried more, sobbed really, sober and bereft and barren.

I was lonely at Christmas.  I was working on New Years.  I was shedding my old self and the peeling off of all the things I thought I needed to have sloughed away like phantoms of irony and bitter tea leaves.

I thought I knew what I wanted.  I thought I knew what I was supposed to be doing.

I was nowhere near, nowhere close, and I was as close to miserable and adrift as I had been in some time.

I had opened up the door and stepped out into the hallway and I had absolutely no idea how long that bitch was going to be.

Had I known, of course, I would probably still be a nanny, adrift in potty training and nanny cams and miserable and isolated, wandering around Mission Bay interacting only with the barista at Peasant Pies.

I was living my life without salt, not even knowing that I had the option to season my fare.

It just took a lot of tears and voila, after a lot of dragging, I finally let go.

Surrendered.

I went over to the winning side, once again, and now, although I still am in the hallway, I see it as a new adventure rather than a sentence.

It could be argued, I suppose, that life is just one long hallway, from that first stunning, shocking entry point, until the end focus point of hyacinth light, perfumed with love and acceptance.

I don’t want to be there yet, although I can feel that I am closer to that focal point than the beginning, I still believe that the best is yet to come.

May it be that I get to end it adrift in a clotted drift of warm bedded bliss, my own preferably.

Until that may happen, I will happily enjoy every moment that I get in the next few weeks in this borrowed bed.

Drowsed and warmed by a small friendly cuddle beast of a kitten.


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