Very, very, very few hits on the blog yesterday and today.
Of course.
It is Father’s Day.
Folks have things to do, people to see, loved ones to celebrate.
I sent my dad warm thoughts, it’s how I can show up today, loving from a distance.
I did try last week on his birthday to call the cell phone number I have for him, but the call did not go through and I took that as the time is not now.
I may never have the time for my dad.
I have acceptance for that, some sorrow, but mostly acceptance and a kind of peace around it.
There are times that I have wished for more from my father, but I have always known, despite not having much contact with him through the years, that I was loved by him.
Who am I to say that how he expressed his love was not the right thing for me?
I cannot choose how people express their love.
I have a certain idea how it should look, but my ideas are often wrong.
So often wrong.
It’s rather ridiculous.
But hey, I’m trying.
I may fall, but at least I know that I am trying.
And I love.
So, so, so hard.
My God, I love hard.
And it may not be what someone wants either.
I have tried being softer and kinder and easier with my love, for myself, for others, to not squeeze too hard, to be gentle, to be flexible and have deeper perspective and appreciation for all forms of love.
I’m not sure where I am going with this ramble, just that I am glad for my father and I hope he is well and I love him.
I do.
So many kinds of love, so much vastness of feeling.
So many memories.
Some easier to recall than others.
Grateful for them all.
Grateful for today.
It was a good day.
I woke up earlier than I was planning, but then again, I hadn’t planned on staying up late last night, but the cup of coffee I gleefully, rebelliously drank with my friend at the anniversary party last night had its way with me.
I was going to let myself have eight hours of sleep.
But the light in my room woke me up and I knew I would feel better if I got up and got myself going.
So I hopped up, put on the yoga clothes and went to the studio down the block.
It was a great class and I was very happy with the teacher.
Then a nice mellow, slow morning.
Met with a lady, did the deal, did some laundry, did some shopping, did some cooking.
And.
Holy cats.
I read some fiction.
I read a book.
In the sun.
On the back porch.
It was sunny in San Francisco and the beach was packed and the parks were packed and it was Father’s Day all over the place.
I did go down to the beach for a little bit, but when it’s nice out, and it was, it was over 80 degrees, the beach gets really bombarded and add a national celebrate a parent holiday and the traffic and people were off the hook.
I sat in a dune for a while and enjoyed the sea and the sun, but after maybe twenty minutes I just decided to go back home and read on the back porch.
I knew it would be quiet.
And it was lovely.
I definitely got a few freckles today and I got warm in my bones.
It felt nice to put up my feet and relax a little.
The next week is a busy one.
Aren’t they all?
But.
It does make the time go faster and I’m excited to be seeing clients now at the internship.
I also peeped the weather for the next week and it looks gorgeous and sunny and the June gloom that is so often the weather in the city for the summer seems to have abated and I am grateful.
There is so much in my life to be grateful for.
So much learning.
As I navigate through my days I see where I have stumbled and where I have been selfish and when I am not being of good service to a situation.
I can make things about myself really fast.
I catch it more often than I have in the past, but I am always a bit chagrined when I do it.
I get to recall the feeling in my body when I hurt someone or make something about me when it really has nothing to do with me, out of fear, that’s usually where I am acting from, fear.
Fear that I won’t get what I want or I will lose what I have.
And the fear is baseless.
Groundless.
Silly.
I have been given so much and I have so much, that to live in any kind of fear is a kind of waste, a superfluous worry of time, when I could be enjoying the sunshine, the daydream, the revery of sitting still in the back yard and feeling the warmth on my skin where I am caught and held in perfection.
I am human, but that is an excuse.
I have to also change when I see things in myself that I don’t care for, I can’t wish them away.
I can, however, pray about it and hope to be of better service in the future.
Remembering how it feels when I have done something that doesn’t serve another because I am in fear of not getting what I want.
Ah growth.
Painful growth.
I heard it said once or twice, though, that pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth.
I definitely grew a little today.
And the pain is not as tender as it has been in the past, but it is there so I chose now, in this moment, to remember what I felt and what I was feeling and to not let those fears get in the way of enjoying my day.
The sun.
The soft warmth.
The dreamy.
I do like the dreamy.
Please God.
Don’t let me fuck up the dreamy.
Auntiebubba 