Posts Tagged ‘sunny’

Just Keep Writing

June 19, 2017

Very, very, very few hits on the blog yesterday and today.

Of course.

It is Father’s Day.

Folks have things to do, people to see, loved ones to celebrate.

I sent my dad warm thoughts, it’s how I can show up today, loving from a distance.

I did try last week on his birthday to call the cell phone number I have for him, but the call did not go through and I took that as the time is not now.

I may never have the time for my dad.

I have acceptance for that, some sorrow, but mostly acceptance and a kind of peace around it.

There are times that I have wished for more from my father, but I have always known, despite not having much contact with him through the years, that I was loved by him.

Who am I to say that how he expressed his love was not the right thing for me?

I cannot choose how people express their love.

I have a certain idea how it should look, but my ideas are often wrong.

So often wrong.

It’s rather ridiculous.

But hey, I’m trying.

I may fall, but at least I know that I am trying.

And I love.

So, so, so hard.

My God, I love hard.

And it may not be what someone wants either.

I have tried being softer and kinder and easier with my love, for myself, for others, to not squeeze too hard, to be gentle, to be flexible and have deeper perspective and appreciation for all forms of love.

I’m not sure where I am going with this ramble, just that I am glad for my father and I hope he is well and I love him.

I do.

So many kinds of love, so much vastness of feeling.

So many memories.

Some easier to recall than others.

Grateful for them all.

Grateful for today.

It was a good day.

I woke up earlier than I was planning, but then again, I hadn’t planned on staying up late last night, but the cup of coffee I gleefully, rebelliously drank with my friend at the anniversary party last night had its way with me.

I was going to let myself have eight hours of sleep.

But the light in my room woke me up and I knew I would feel better if I got up and got myself going.

So I hopped up, put on the yoga clothes and went to the studio down the block.

It was a great class and I was very happy with the teacher.

Then a nice mellow, slow morning.

Met with a lady, did the deal, did some laundry, did some shopping, did some cooking.

And.

Holy cats.

I read some fiction.

I read a book.

In the sun.

On the back porch.

It was sunny in San Francisco and the beach was packed and the parks were packed and it was Father’s Day all over the place.

I did go down to the beach for a little bit, but when it’s nice out, and it was, it was over 80 degrees, the beach gets really bombarded and add a national celebrate a parent holiday and the traffic and people were off the hook.

I sat in a dune for a while and enjoyed the sea and the sun, but after maybe twenty minutes I just decided to go back home and read on the back porch.

I knew it would be quiet.

And it was lovely.

I definitely got a few freckles today and I got warm in my bones.

It felt nice to put up my feet and relax a little.

The next week is a busy one.

Aren’t they all?

But.

It does make the time go faster and I’m excited to be seeing clients now at the internship.

I also peeped the weather for the next week and it looks gorgeous and sunny and the June gloom that is so often the weather in the city for the summer seems to have abated and I am grateful.

There is so much in my life to be grateful for.

So much learning.

As I navigate through my days I see where I have stumbled and where I have been selfish and when I am not being of good service to a situation.

I can make things about myself really fast.

I catch it more often than I have in the past, but I am always a bit chagrined when I do it.

I get to recall the feeling in my body when I hurt someone or make something about me when it really has nothing to do with me, out of fear, that’s usually where I am acting from, fear.

Fear that I won’t get what I want or I will lose what I have.

And the fear is baseless.

Groundless.

Silly.

I have been given so much and I have so much, that to live in any kind of fear is a kind of waste, a superfluous worry of time, when I could be enjoying the sunshine, the daydream, the revery of sitting still in the back yard and feeling the warmth on my skin where I am caught and held in perfection.

I am human, but that is an excuse.

I have to also change when I see things in myself that I don’t care for, I can’t wish them away.

I can, however, pray about it and hope to be of better service in the future.

Remembering how it feels when I have done something that doesn’t serve another because I am in fear of not getting what I want.

Ah growth.

Painful growth.

I heard it said once or twice, though, that pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth.

I definitely grew a little today.

And the pain is not as tender as it has been in the past, but it is there so I chose now, in this moment, to remember what I felt and what I was feeling and to not let those fears get in the way of enjoying my day.

The sun.

The soft warmth.

The dreamy.

I do like the dreamy.

Please God.

Don’t let me fuck up the dreamy.

 

Swim Suits

April 3, 2017

And sun hats.

I pretty much lived in those two things all day.

And my sundress.

And some flip-flops.

Pretty nice weather.

Beach weather.

Building sand castle weather.

Wading in the waves with bright yellow plastic buckets to scoop cold salty water for building more sand castles.

I worked today and it did feel a little strange, but I rolled with it, to have my family come out to me.

The mom wanted a day at the beach and was super kind to suggest that we just meet in my neighborhood instead of having me commute in and then we could all head to Ocean Beach together.

Again my start today was later than the noon start we had talked about.

And that was fine.

I got some more homework done.

I couldn’t go to yoga.

I tried.

I signed up online.

I set my alarm.

But.

When it went off there was just no way, I was exhausted.

Exhausted.

I gave myself another hour of sleep on my alarm and rolled back over, I was out, there was no brain activity, no rumbling early morning ruminating, I was dead to the world.

Even an hour later I could have slept more.

I figured I was just tired from the long week, even though my days weren’t full days this weekend, it’s still work on the weekend and not much rest for the wicked.

Not that I’ve been wicked.

Maybe a tiny bit naughty.

In my thoughts, people, not in my actions.

I wouldn’t mind being a little naughty in my actions it just wasn’t on the menu today.

Fortunately I had enough time this morning to wake up slow, to enjoy my breakfast, to have a big creamy unsweetened vanilla almond milk latte and take some time to write my morning pages and sort out my day.

I did some homework, some grocery shopping, and a little food organization and prep before the family got to me.

We met at my house and I suggested where they could park, down on La Playa and Judah, and I walked down to Java Beach Cafe to meet with them and help them carry all the goodies to the beach.

It was very sweet to be with them.

We had a picnic in the dunes.

We dug holes, collected shells and sticks, and dashed in and out of the water.

I was super grateful for the straw fedora I had grabbed at Other Avenues when I had grabbed some groceries earlier in the day.

And the sunblock.

It was a sunblock kind of day at the beach.

It isn’t often that the weather at the beach cooperates.

There was a moment when a bit of fog and mist rolled in, but it didn’t stick and it was really a nice day for being at the beach, sunny, but not too hot.

I was with the family until about 5 p.m.

Then I came back here, roasted a chicken, made some soup, and decided I needed to get right with God.

Hopped on my scooter and took a ride up to Quintara and 20th and got some recovery on.

Back home, hot tea, my fedora hung up in the closet, grateful for the day and the service and yes, grateful that tomorrow is Monday, I made it through the work weekend.

My schedule will go back to its regular hours tomorrow and I’m good with that, I want to get back into my routine before school gets going next weekend.

Four days of work, three days of school.

Then two days off.

I’m going to hang out with a friend on Monday and I have a therapy session on Tuesday, but other than that, nothing.

I’ll get to yoga, make up for this weekend.

I just couldn’t do it, my body was really sore from yesterday’s class and I have a stress injury in my left shoulder that flared up, I’m going to not beat myself up for not getting in today, the fact that I went and did the deal is enough.

Fuck.

The fact that I worked is enough.

I did enough today.

The days are a bit of a blur, I will admit that, they keep rolling along into each other.

The sunrise.

The sunset.

The routine of my days measured out in cups of tea, words scrawled into notebooks with black ink pens, the shift of my heart as I hear the birds sing in the morning and the spill of golden sunlight through the back door of my studio.

I felt like I was moving through honey soften time this afternoon when I got back.

Just to sit outside, shaded up under my fedora, the sun freckling through the straw brim when I tilted my head back, still in sun warmed air, ravens perched on chimney tops, silhouetted against the bluer than blue California sky, my feet up on the wrought iron chair, to be still, I got my break, I got my refresh and though I worked today I was able to have a measure of quiet in my own skin time too.

I need these breaks.

I need to sit still and watch the sky.

To feel the big heavy imprint of azure press itself into my heart, to be glossed in sun, it is glorious beyond my reckoning.

I’ll change out of my swim suit and sundress soon.

My fedora has been hung up for another day.

But.

I may give myself a few more moments in my garb to appreciate the beautiful place that I live, Outer Sunset, Ocean Beach, San Francisco, California.

My home sweet home.

Luckiest girl in the world.

So.

Damn.

Lucky.

Brisk And Bright

January 2, 2016

It was chilly, cold, brisk, snappy, windy.

But sunny.

And my outlook the same.

Even after receiving some sad and unexpected news.

Which changed the tenor of my day and made me absolute in my resolution to go see my people and be in the middle of the boat.

I had only one thing planned today.

Meet a lady, do the deal, read the stuff, share the experience, strength, hope, and then go hang out with the fellowship.

But.

When I called to confirm, I got the voice mail.

I left a message, just checking in, you’ve not called me all week, let me know if we’re meeting, miss you, love you, talk soon.

And.

We did.

Shortly thereafter while I was in the middle of doing my writing this morning, working on the third page, noodling along with some ideas about what I was going to do today with my time off and navigating some thoughts as to whether I should run errands or do some cooking, drinking my second cup of coffee, happy the sun was out.

Then.

The call.

The “I decided to try some controlled drinking.”

Ugh.

It made me so sad.

No.

That’s not quite true, no one has that kind of power, no one “makes” me have feelings, that’s giving away all my power and all the personal responsibility I have to myself to be honest.

Just like nobody forced me to drink or use, or circumstances, no amount of “my child hood was horrible” was the reason I picked up.

Anyway.

I had feelings when I heard her share what had happened and why she was different and I listened quietly and responded empathetically and said call whenever you need to about anything and I love you no matter what.

We were not meeting today.

And then my day changed.

I had the entire day free and I realized that I wanted to play things a little closer to home and also make sure that I got out.

I can isolate sometimes here in my cozy little hobbit hole.

I wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing that.

I made a bunch of phone calls and got some good messages.

“That’s what we do,” she told me on my voice mail, “but it doesn’t have to be what you do.”

No.

No, it does not.

And to that end I continued to reach out until I was able to check in with one of my people as well as a close friend.

After that I got out of the house, hopped on the scooter, went grocery shopping and was hella grateful that I wasn’t the disheveled sparkle pony in last night makeup at 1 p.m. buying a six pack of hard lemonade and tottering on beat up platforms next to the guy in line paying for the hooch with cards that kept getting turned down.

I stood quiet with my apples and unsweetened vanilla almond milk and box of tea and thanked my stars that I was in a different place and my New Year woke with a bright smile at the blue skies and snuggled into a deep nest of warm blankets.

I came home and cooked up a big lunch, freezing a bunch for a school weekend not too distant.

Then I thought about what I wanted to do.

I knew I was going to go meet up with some like minded folks around 6:30pm in the Inner Sunset, but until then I had some free time.

I got outside and went for a long walk on the beach.

It was glorious.

The waves were crumbling and it was windy, not many surfers, but I saw a few and watched with mighty awe and regard.

I walked the sand and turned my face to the sun and let the hush and rush of the water carry away the sounds in my head and got clean all the way down to the bottom of my heart and thanked God for the day, the moment, the ocean, the sun, the walking, where I am and what I stand for, my purpose, my point, and how much more love I am going to bring to the table.

I believe love is a limitless resource that I can only experience if I keep giving it away.

I turned and unexpectedly bumped into a friend.

She too, walking the beach at sunset.

We caught up and hugged and took photos of the glorious sea and sun and sand.

NCST2060

 

How lucky am I to live next to such great beauty?

Very.

I parted with my friend, she walking toward Noriega and I back towards Judah and the end of the day, though tinged with a kind of melancholia, was not sad.

I often times find myself walking down by the sea when I am sad.

But this was not the case today.

I walked the beach to feel more alive, to be seen, to love, to let myself hear the roaring ocean, to feel the wind on my face, to be a small light lit by that grand light in sky, a small reflection of starlight, calling one to another.

I felt assuaged, I felt calm.

I felt as though there was a balm on my soul.

Perhaps not a strawberry lip balm.

But a gentle, sweet pressing of knowledge that my life is what it is for the work that I do and that I am lucky to get to do the work.

And convinced.

I don’t have any reservations.

I know what I am.

I can struggle against it, or I can accept, and allow those that walk a head of me continue to lead the way so that I in turn, may turn, and extend the hand of help that was so graciously and kindly leant to me.

Sometimes trudging the road to happy destiny feels like falling into one pothole from another.

But when I turn and face the horizon and see that beautiful melding of light in the sky, I know that it is all for the good, the better, the best.

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The only thing I must do and be perfectly.

Is.

To be.

Surrendered.

Today I am that.

And.

Then some.

 

 

 


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