Posts Tagged ‘vale of tears’

No More Tears

June 5, 2018

What a freaking relief.

Yesterday, last night I should say, because technically yesterday was a vale of tears from morning until about 6:30p.m. when I had to pull it together to take care of my Sunday night commitment, was the first night since my landlady gave me notice that I did not cry myself to sleep.



So good.

This morning too, no tears!

I did a lot of work yesterday, and throughout the week when I think about it, to get through the fear.

A lot of self talk, a lot of letting the tears happen when they did.


I did holler a couple of times, “stop, just stop.”


For the most part, they just kept on coming.

Yesterday was by far the worst day of it.

Of course, it was pointed out to me later that I had actually time to stop and have the feelings, I have been a busy lady and not being able to do much sitting still when I did have the chance to the emotions just ran away with the house.

I cried a lot.


I think it moved things along and by the time I met with my person up at Firewood Cafe I was almost cried out.


I still cried for the first half hour or so and then I slowly started to get relief.

And perspective.

And that it was more than just the threat of losing my place, it was also the past few weeks of busy and go, go, go, graduate, and hang out with my mom, and get all my paperwork turned in so I am really done with school, and have an endoscopy, and maybe I have cancer, but probably not, but maybe, and having to terminate with a client and all sorts of stuff, it was all the things.

All the things needed to have a word with me and then did so in a grand sweeping emotional way.

I seriously thought a few times that I was hormonal, I never cry like this for this long, unless really depressed, but then I’d still be crying and that crying is a different kind then what I was doing.

The crying I was doing was all fear based.

Not so much sadness based.

Fear based and anger based.

I have had some angry moments, let me tell you.

But it got worked out and the more I talked, cried, muddled through, the easier it seemed to be until by the time I walked into the basement of Most Holy Redeemer to take care of my Sunday night gig I was almost wholly myself.

And then!


My old friend from my early days in recovery came prancing into the room with another dear friend and it was so good to connect and reconnect and catch up.

She’s been living in London for the last seven years, New York before that, and it was her first time back to SF in ten years.

I mean.

It was good to see her.

And hear her.

And then go out and hang out afterwards with all the friends and people and go to La Meditereanee and have some good food and laugh and get perspective.

I also heard so much advocacy for me getting to be taken care of and that there is abundance and that I do deserve it.

I sometimes forget that.

All the time.

That I am allowed to embrace abundance.


My attitude changed and I began to see this whole thing as an enormous gift.


Like many gifts I have received I did not like the wrapping paper it came in, and I have wanted to give it back, but there it is, in my lap, begging to be opened, to be revealed.

More will be revealed.

There’s always more to learn.

I get to take this situation as an opportunity to grow and to manifest what I want in a living situation.

I also get to take this as a chance to let my voice be heard, to not be run over by the circumstances, to advocate for my rights.

I listened again to the voicemail of the woman from the SF Tenant’s Union who reached out to me the day prior to my going in to the drop in session and was assuaged again to hear that what is happening is not legal and I have loads of rights.

She reiterated a bunch of them and I found comfort in that.

I know my rights and I get to speak up for myself.

Not something I have always done.

Not something that I am great at.

But fuck, what an opportunity to learn.


I’m going to get to learn about something new and in the process I will find a new place to live and it will be done with grace and dignity.

At least on my part.

My part is all I’m responsible for anyway.

Speaking of my part.

And taking responsibility.

I have filled out my BBS (Behavioral Board of Science) application for my AMFT#!

Yesterday I got passport photos taken so that I can turn in a recent photo to the BBS.

All I need to do now is get LiveScanned fingerprinting done.

I will be doing that on Wednesday.

The hope is to have it all taken care of and ready to send into the BBS by Saturday.

It was strongly suggested that I send it in registered mail and insure it and track it and make sure it gets signed for.

So a trip to the post office before my internship on Saturday.

It’s a really exciting thing.

Once the BBS gives me my AMFT# I will officially be able to take payment for my therapy sessions.

At which point I will be transitioning from my current internship to my private practice internship.

I am really excited.

It feels so nice to have positive, forward motion actions happening.

And though I do not know how long this hallway of uncertainty is in regards to where I live next.

I do believe.

With all my heart.

That is will be fucking fabulous.


Financial Aid

April 26, 2017

Fucking hates me.


I don’t care.

I have gotten a lot more assertive in asking for help from the financial aid office at school, especially since I have had to jump through hoops that I didn’t even know were there to get what I need to get.

After innumerable e-mails I think I am almost there.

Of course there was one thing on the application that made no sense to me, not an iota and I probably filled the damn form out wrong and they won’t give me the money.


I need it for therapy.

That sounds a little desperate, I know.

What could be so bad that the lady has to have, HAS TO HAVE, being the operative word, therapy?

Oh, you know, sexual abuse trauma, incest, neglect, physical abuse, history of alcohol and drug abuse, poverty, racism, eating disorder.

Nothing at all that indicates needing therapy.


I am being a little flippant.

I have addressed a lot of these issues and I have done an extraordinary amount of work on them over the years and I have done therapy before, but.

My school program requires it as a part of my degree.

And really, it does make fantastic sense, I need to have my shit taken care of so I can show up and help others take care of their shit.

It’s the classic put your oxygen mask on before helping others on the plummeting airplane.




I found out from my therapist today that my hours with her do actually count towards my 3,000 hours that I need to accrue to get my MFT license.

It’s going to change though, the BBS (Behavioral Board of Sciences) is going to phase that out.

By 2021 you won’t be able to count personal therapy hours toward your 3,000.

And the thing is, I want those hours to count very much, because as it turns out each hour or personal therapy is counted as three.


Holy shit.


It turns out that tonight I went into my Track My Hours app and I made sure that I was using the Pre 2021 dashboard  and I entered in my hours as my therapist suggested I do and voila!

15 more hours.

I have had, after today, five sessions with her.

Multiply that by three and I now have 16 hours.

There is was in black and white.

Valid hours: 16.

Total hours to accrue: 2,984.

Fuck yeah.

I will take that.

This is going to be huge and such a help to be able to acquire the hours.

My therapist went through the same program that I am doing and we talked a lot about the process and I was so freaking grateful to be seen and have my experience validated, especially in regards to the financial aid stuff and when she said, oh yeah, these hours count, you’ll have your 3,000 by 2021, you’ll be able to use your personal therapy and all you need is for me to sign a piece of paper with my MFT license on it.

Such a huge gift to find this out.


She also suggested that I actually do talk to my offsite supervisor about my work as a nanny, considering how much time I have spent in the heart of so many families, that I actually may be able to get some of my child and family hours covered.

I would never have thought of it, I had a teacher who told me she thought nannies should get hours accredited to them, considering how nannies tend to be involved in a lot of family dynamics and bear witness to children and how they grow and learn, that it would make sense to grant nannies some hours.

I mean.


I’m going to at least check it out with my supervisor.

It’s probably unlikely, but hey, I do have over a decade of work with children and families, that kind of work experience should count for something.

And it does.

My therapist validated that today too, that I have been doing this work for a very long time, that I have, in essence been learning how to be a therapist for years.

She’s right.

It’s nice to let someone be right.

It was nice to be seen too, we have a good connection and I am so grateful for the sessions.

I already can tell that things are working themselves out and it’s an unexpected and lovely support of my experience with school and the anxiety that comes up for me when I am dealing with all things school.

I feel a lot more open with what’s happening and so grateful that I am doing the internship this summer, especially now that I know if I can all my hours by the end of 2020 I can count my therapy hours too.

Such a gift.

Just have to repeat that since I want to pinch myself and gleefully clap my hands.

Who knew?

Therapy doesn’t have to be a vale of tears.


It is also that.

A vale of tears.

I was sharing about a very sweet interaction I had with a previous charge and a gift that he had given me, a painting of my house, where I live, and this beautiful watercolor of a rainbow, “Carmen!  This is where you live!”

In a house under a rainbow, full of color and light and love.

“You had a lot of emotion come up for you when you shared that,” she said.

Understatement, pass the kleenex box please.

“Can you tell me about that?” She asked.

He saw me, this little boy saw me, and I represented love and color and joy to him, that my home, where I live is in a house full of rainbows, and if you have seen my home, well, there might be some truth to that.

What she said next I’m not sure that I could express how it landed, nor exactly what she said, but I can tell you how it felt, it felt like love, that the love in me was being reciprocated by the love in that little boy, that he saw me for who I am and he shared with me what that love looked like for him.

That we saw each other’s essence and what a gift for me to give that to him.

I had never looked at it like that and it felt.

Well it felt.


It was a really lovely way to wrap up the session and I left having felt something big shift.

I don’t have to analyze it or reason it out.

I can just feel that I was seen, I was, and that I am a big fucking rainbow of love.

I’ll take it.

Thanks therapy.

I’ll take the hours too.

Only 2,984 to go.

No big deal.


I Only Pick People Who Are

August 1, 2013

Having fun with their life.

“That’s not to say that they’ve all had great shares, but that was my requirement when I took this commitment, only pick folks who are having fun, there’s too much misery out there,” he concluded.

I just got back from the doing some late show action in Oakland.

I talked about my life, where it was, what happened, what’s going on now and how much I am thankful, grateful, and awed.

I am still uncomfortable, but as the days have been passing and the constant out reach to my friends continues, I feel better and better.

I have also gotten some more work in the last day for this week, so I may actually break even on the week instead of taking it as a loss and I was able to sock a few more dollars into the account towards the deposit on the studio.

“What are you going to write about when you live in the Sunset,” he asked me as we were driving along International Avenue, “some thing vaguely morose and damp?”

“Something foggy and sad?”

“Stop it,” I said with a laugh.


I don’t know.

But I do know that it will be ok, there, here, elsewhere.

I do know as well that life is not a vale of tears, even when it feels that way, it does pass and as I have stated the seeing of friends, even if it’s just to quietly walk through a museum, has been such a help it has made it very clear to me that I have to continue to reach out as much as possible to my friends.

Tomorrow I have a lunch date with Calvin, to be followed shortly thereafter by some coffee somewhere in the city and some smack talk over dominoes.

I was going to go to the Academy of Sciences on Saturday with Beth, but that got changed, I was asked to work longer on Saturday and I was asked to pick up a shift Friday night.

I will actually overnight it in Cole Valley so that I can be there Saturday morning to nanny, mom and dad both have a big meeting at BMHQ.

That’s Burning Man Head Quarters to you.

That’s part of the reason my friend asked me to help out tonight.

I go to Burning Man.

I go and I have a good time.

Oh, I go and I work and I need to be of service or I will get it in my thick head that it is all about what can I take from the event rather than what can I give, or I won’t have a good time.

That is abundantly clear to me, always has been.

I go, I get glittered up, I wear crazy tights, I ride my bicycle, I sing, I dance, I cry, I laugh.

Man, I laugh a lot.

I smile until my face feels tight and my muscles sore and I have it out with my self and my abnegation of self every year.


There is enough misery in life, let’s have some fun.

That’s my friends philosophy.

I like it.

He started a new camp at the event last year and I did not realize it, I originally camped with him at Camp Stella (for queers, crackpots, and fallen women) when I was first on playa, that is located fairly close to where I will be camped.

Again, being taken care of.

In more ways than one, it would seem.

The camp will be a sober environment and I will have yet another place I can go to, close to me that I can get support if I gets the crazies in the head bits, and I will, I always do, but knowing how and where to go get help with that is a big part of my experience out there.

And an amazing one too.

To radically self-express without the aid of alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, that’s, well, that’s pretty fucking punk rock if you ask me.

I shared tonight about how I am colorful and how I wear makeup and how I have fun with it, flowers in the hair and all that.

“You look the best I have ever seen you,” my darling friend said to me tonight, right before he dropped me off at the gates of Graceland.

“You really do, and you have come so far.  I remember you when I first met you, you were a fright, dramatic, always, always, always crying, girl you were not this amazing, calm, beautiful woman I see in front of me.”

I was really blown away.

I remember my friend coming into my life my first year at Burning Man.

He’s one of the few people who know my secret playa name, Ophelia, and still uses it.

One of like a dozen people.

And with those people I am special and I will always be taken care of when I go to that camp or that tribe, for they are my people.

And I shall and will take care of them.

That is the gift of my life.

I am a care taker and I get to nurture and be kind and be sweet and colorful too.

I get to show you it’s not all a vale of tears, even when it is, that I still can be as glitterbombed as the next sparkle pony and as relevant.

I am alive.

This life is short.

I have had enough misery.

Bring on the people with light in their eyes.

Bring on the fun.

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