From Here on Out


Every day I have been trying to do one little thing with my trip in mind.

Some times I think I am just nuts, insane, and delusional.  Then I remember, you always are, so why is this any different?

I got a message back from a friend in Alameda about crewing a yacht and what his thoughts were and the amount of information I got back was so overwhelming that I wanted to vomit on my computer and cancel the trip.

Some times I can only take in so much.

He gave me way too much.

His message was also time stamped at 3:43 a.m. this morning.

Hey friend, what are you doing up that late?

It was informational, this is true, but too complicated.  What I find again and again is that the simpler the better.  Back to my mantra, I can’t fuck it up if it’s meant to be and I cannot manipulate it into happening.

And I was manipulating my friend.

Fact is, I had not reached out to him in over two years.  There are many reasons for this, but foremost amongst them is that it is not a healthy relationship for me to be involved with.  If I saw him on the street I would stop and hug him, or on the corner of the playa at Burning Man, where I inevitably run into him.

But, I sent him a message.

I sought him out because I was hoping for a hook up.

Of both sorts.

And I know better.

Yeah, I’ll respond, I’ll say thanks, then I’ll say no thanks.  My head has gone to that place a couple of times–use sex to get what you want.


It does not work head.

You feel gross and it may be “fun” but you’re using what you think is an asset to get something that you feel like you may not deserve otherwise.

Even if my assets are nice.


So, it goes like this, the fourth the fifth,

I will not utilize the sexy sexy to get what I want.

Instead, I will keep exploring my options and taking wee little steps toward whatever the final outcome will be–knowing that there really is no final outcome, just more journey.

The point is the journey.

I am ready to do some journey.

I will start small.

I have already started–the photography.  I took the camera out again today.  I have consistently taken photos every day since I took John Ater’s workshop.  I have downloaded them and I have posted the ones I think are the best.  I have taken anywhere from 25 to 75 frames per day since Sunday, when I took 200 frames.

I down load them to my Iphoto, edit them a smidgen, then post them to–my affiliate blog.

I like saying that, affiliate.

I sound like a super station.


I recognized today that I really will have to ask for help with the Kickstarter platform too.  I have written in my morning pages now not once but twice to contact Johnny Carrol over in, hahahahah, Alameda, oh christ, who is an old friend.  He and his wife Jennifer and I and some of our fellows all did the Artist Way together.  He does film.

I want to ask him to help me stage a Kickstarter video.

I have a pretty funny idea that I think will actually pan out on video fairly well.

Which means instead of “thinking” about asking him, I just have to do it.

Funny how I had no qualms about contacting an old lover to get “help” but I can’t ask my friend?

Not funny haha either.

If Johnny can’t some one else will.  Or hell, I could also technically do it with my Iphone or even my monitor–there’s a camera on my laptop–or with my actually camera, it will do video’s.

I don’t think it will look as special as something that Johnny could do, but I can stop trying to figure it out and you know, um, maybe just sent him a message.

Oh, a plan!

Yikes, sometimes it hurts to just be in the same room as my brain.

Thankfully, I did a lot of writing yesterday, fast and furiously, and I will get to share with Carolyn in the morning some of my discoveries.

Note to self, do not wear eye makeup to meet Carolyn at Ritual.

I will also get further instructions on the rest of the inventory.  How interesting that my sex bullshit is up right about now.

Or, I am just very aware of it.  An instinct that worked in the past, but does not now serve.  Figures it would be happening right now.

Got to love the timing.

In other worlds, saw the guy tonight that I am supposed to have coffee with on Saturday and nary a thing was said, except hello.

I do not get guys.

Are we on?

Are we off?

Am I nuts.

Ah, who the hell cares, if it’s meant to be it will.

I can’t fuck it up.


Say it with me,

I can’t manipulate it into happening.

Now excuse me, I have a message to send my friend Johnny.

I got some travel plans to work on.

Mission Victorian 2900 Florida

Porch with mannequins

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