You Smell Good


He said to me, drawing back from the warm hug.

“I try,” I said and smiled.

And I do.

It was nice to see him and when I was sitting a few minutes later in the darkened room listening to the words I have heard so many times before, it occurred to me that there was no charge there, nothing.

Just a sweetness and a gratitude.

It was nice to see my ex and know that I’ll be able to be friends with him.

Not that I’m planning on hanging out with him anytime soon, just that I won’t be scurrying across the street trying to avoid him.

I remember how blown apart I felt when I saw him unexpectedly about this time last year.

I felt like I had been knifed in the guts.

It felt hella bad.

Tonight, it wasn’t at all, he approached me, gave me a big sweet hug and we just shot the shit and caught up.

Ah.

Growing up.

It’s nice that this happens.

Gives me hope for all my relationships, dating and otherwise, that I can find a way through to a softness and openness with people I have been emotionally vulnerable with.

And really, he had no idea, there was so much that wasn’t said, so much that I did not reveal about myself.

Just because I got naked with the man did not mean I was emotionally naked with him.

I tried.

He tired too.

We both tried.

We just spoke a different language and we both had very different needs.

Perspective.

So nice to have it.

And so nice to be able to write my blog!

Oof.

Yesterday was tough.

I think it was good though, I’ve got my glasses situation taken care of and it was nice to have an excuse to go to bed early.

I really couldn’t do much and I felt rather blown out by the experience and more tired than I would have admitted under different circumstances.

I still have this tiny touch of a cold too.

Nothing to inhibit me from going out and doing things, but I let myself take the two things together, dilated eyes and slight throaty sickness and run with it.

I slept.

I really slept.

It was good.

I think I may have gotten caught up with the sleep I missed between the school weekend and Day Light Savings.

I may even go to yoga tomorrow morning before work.

I may not though.

I may give it one more day of rest and really let my body be fully rested.

I know that I am feeling better, at least much better than last night, as when I put on my music I did a little dance around my room and twirled in my dress.

“You look good,” he said.

“Thank you,” I smiled.

It’s nice to have acknowledgement and I have to say, I did feel well put together today.

“Do you have another date tonight?” She asked as we stood waiting for the key to arrive.

“Nope, not unless you count with myself,” I laughed, “I just felt like being dressed up.”

I wore one of my ModCloth Hell Bunny dresses.

The teal one with Day of Dead skulls on it and tattooed hearts.

It is hella cute.

A pair of black leggings, a black cardigan, and some Converse.

“If I was on a date with a guy I’d be in heels,” I said and did a little soft shoe shuffle in my Chuck Taylors.

“If I’m dressing for me, it’s almost always Converse,” I said.

This is true, but I have to say, having classes on the weekends where I’m doing so much sitting in desks has led me to up my shoe game.

At least weekends I have classes.

Hmm.

Maybe I have been a little sicker than I thought, I feel really full of energy right now.

Of course I had a great doing the deal experience tonight and that always puts a boost in my step.

But.

There’s something else.

I just feel sassy.

Happy.

Free.

I’m not going to try and figure it out.

Just enjoy it.

Go with it.

Flexible.

I am open to being flexible, having fun, living this amazing life of mine.

I have had these little revelations, this sense of change.

Change is coming.

I have had moments when I see daisies sprouting from my heart.

I have sunshine surrounding me.

I feel my feet skipping in happiness, a long white skirt flipping out in my hand, a pair of boots on my feet, a dance, a joyfulness, I see a meadow and mountains, a barn house, a blue grass band.

Sometimes there is an illusive quality, but there, with this one little set of chords being picked out on a guitar, I just feel uplifted and joyous and yeah, ha, I see flowers, big white daisies with golden butter eyes, sprouting from my heart.

Once in a while from the top of my head.

It’s a fantastic image and I have not idea where it is, just that the landscape is there, in my interior and it feels buoyant and delicious.

It feels like love.

It feels like being seen.

It feels like a jackrabbit in the long grass, a sudden startle, a uplifted face to the sun, then, a settling and knowing, that I am safe.

It is an exquisite feeling.

One of many that I get to have.

I am so grateful that I am allowed to hold more than one emotion at a time.

I knew, intellectually, that time would heal the space between my ex and I.

I didn’t expect the experience to be like it was and to not have any pull to go chase after anything.

There’s nothing to chase.

“Be the ball, Martines,” Shadrach said to me.

Oh yeah.

Being the ball.

The belle of the freaking ball.

I’ll be the pretty girl in the circle skirt.

Sunshine and flowers in her hair.

And a daisy sprouting from the crown of my head.

Raised in brightness.

Sitting in the grassy field waiting for you to take my hand.

Come on!

Let’s go play.

It’s sunny outside.

As.

Well.

As.

Inside.

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