Wow My Blogs Suck

I am getting no readers this week.

That may be because my blogs are a bunch of mush.  My brain is mush.  I have nothing interesting to say, it is all mush.

I did not even do that much today at work.  But, yes, there it is, mush brain.

I mostly stood around.  Or at least that’s what it felt like.  I did stuff.  I put price tags on stuff.  I can know tell you with complete authority that Chuey Caps (hand-made here in San Francisco, delivered by Chuey himself to the shop on his bicycle) are $25.  That a Knog Frog light is $11.99 and the Beetle, another kind of bike light, is $19.99.

What else?

Oh, who the fuck cares?

Sigh.

My brain hurts.  It starting hurting about an hour and a half into my shift.  It started after I straightened t-shirts, and stuck price tags on anything in the store that wasn’t moving.  If you stood still next to me for too long you were going to be price tagged.

Oh, yeah, and famous people like our bikes.  Some body from Creed just designed and bought one, another guy from Sublime just had his shipped out yesterday, and the lead singing from Third Eye Blind came in today to look at his bike.

He did not like the pink chain he had chosen and got manly with a silver chain instead.  His assistant picked it up later.  I personally preferred the pink, but then hey, I’m a girl.

I definitely want one for me, a bike that is, not an assistant.  I have decided that I will have the cash to splurge on it when I get my taxes back.  That is usually my MO anyhow, splurge on something with my taxes.  Last few years it has been tattoos.  Since Barnaby is in Paris, perhaps not a tattoo this year, but definitely a bike.

Matt also came by today and I got to talk “shop” with him, which was cool, and it demonstrated to me that I know more than I think I do.  Which is also cool.

Christ this is a boring blog, no wonder no one’s reading it.

SEX

DRUGS

SEX

DRUGS

SEX

DRUGS

Did I get anyone’s attention?

Mama hasn’t had sex in a while and drugs, well, yeah I have that all the time–caffeine–but aside from writing about my caffeine intake, I don’t know that I have got a whole hell of a lot (still digging the Sight Glass, must get on it to go on coffee date with Shannon, I attempted an e-mail and lost the ability to figure out my schedule and what I can and cannot do this week).

Oh, here’s something, I am developing a crush on someone in the building.  He is awful cute and today he stopped by the shop to show off his ass.

Literally it was an Ass head.  He works for Paxton Gate and was moving a stuffed donkey head from the store-room over to their shop up the block.

I told him he had a very cute ass.

He does.

The donkey wasn’t bad either.

Is this weird?  I cannot tell if the room is a store-room or if the room is a place they do taxidermy.  I don’t think they actually do taxidermy at Paxton, there is not a chemical smell.  I don’t know that I have ever dated anyone that does taxidermy.  Hey mom, meet my boyfriend, he stuffs donkey heads and mounts them.

Wow.

That’s all sorts of wrong.

Speaking of mom’s, I spoke with her last week, she just turned 60.  How is that possible?  Christ.  And I’ll be 39 next month.  The conversations are getting a little less rocky although when she inquired after my “love life” what popped out of my mouth was, “none of your business, but it’s just fine” (I was able to not say, “none of your fucking business,” thank god, that is what almost came out).

I don’t remember ever being in a place to tell my mom that my private life, or lack thereof, is none of her business.  This is growth.  Even if it does not seem like it.

And frankly, my love life is dry as a vault.  Feels a little dusty down there.  Starting to get concerned.

Would it be bad form to date some one that works in the same building?  Does not seem like there’s any kind of conflict of interest.  Wonder how I can drop I’m single into a conversation with the Ass man.

“Hey I thought your Ass was pretty cute, what do you think of mine?”

Nah.

Too obvious.  Something more subtle?

“Is your Ass single?”

“Mine is.”

That doesn’t seem to work either.  Oh hell, I’m just not going to worry about it.  Fuck if I know when I am even going to have time to go on a date.  I was wrangled into working the SF Bike Expo this weekend.  I need to be at work at 9am on Saturday. Wrangled, that sounds as though I had some choice.  I was just told to pick a day, Saturday or Sunday and I was working it.  I figured it would have to be Saturday, I don’t like that, but I already have plans to meet up with my regular doing the deal folks and I don’t feel like re-scheduling them).

Really?

Not that I want to turn up my nose at the extra cash, but I like having two days off a week.  This will make my second week working six days.  I thought I was supposed to be working less.

I don’t feel like I can say no either.  They are swamped at work and two people are out-of-town or something like that, I was not paying much attention, I had lost my power to assimilate information.  And I’m new.  And they’re short staffed. So, that’s all she wrote.  I also got an e-mail from work when I got home.  Which I am not a fan of either.  I don’t want to think about work when I’m not at work.

Because then it feels like I’m at work and I’m not being paid to think, I don’t want to think anymore, it is taking it’s toll, my brain needs a reprieve.

I, as well, don’t like saying the “I’ll be happy when” thing, basically you’ll never be happy is what you’re saying–“I’ll be happy when I have a boyfriend, a job that pays well, a house, a kid, a month of vacation,” fill in the blank.  It just basically means you’re not living in the moment. You’re off in the future masturbating.  I am just trying to get into what I have been feeling.  And they are not the most pleasant of feelings.  I cannot fathom saying I’ll be happy when I am done training, because it seems like that is never going to happen.

Mostly it comes down to being tired.  I am tired and I just don’t see a slow down any time soon.

Because once I get acclimated to the job, I am going to be moving.  Fuck my mother, I can’t even go there.  I have no room to even think about packing and moving and locating a truck and getting help and where am I going to store my shit and….

I am going to stop.  Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Time for another cup of tea and then I’m crawling into bed.

To dream, perchance, of cute asses.

Community

I have been getting back to my “roots”.  It is freaking awesome.  I am so grateful to be getting back into the middle of the boat.

I knew, I have known and not wanted to admit it either, for a while now that I have been isolating up here in my little Nob Hill perch.  I have missed the Mission.  Whether or not the Mission has missed me, that’s debateable.  The Mission has been moving and shaking since I moved to San Francisco.

I remember talking with some one about their favorite taqueria when I moved here and he said, please don’t tell any one that it’s in the Mission.  It’s starting to get over run.  It’s our little secret.  I don’t think I did tell any one about El Farolito at that time and suffice to say, I’m sure that it was not the only draw of the Mission.  But the area has blown up.

There are tourists now.  When I first came to the city, as a tourist I got off the BART at Mission and 16th determined to locate myself and meander over to Noe Valley where a friend was living at the time.  I made it all of one block before I hopped into a cab.  I was freaked the fuck out.

Now, 16th and Mission is still freaky, there’s still plenty of drugs, guns, gangs, sex, and violence.

There are also boutique clothing stores, card shops, sushi restaurants, and skate shops.  Bike shops, donut shops, pastry shops, candy shops.  You name it, there’s a shop.  Muddy Waters used to be the place to go to get coffee.  Or shoot up, ya know.

Now it seems like there’s an upscale coffee-house on every corner.  There’s a boutique cheese shop and a yarn store.

I don’t dislike the Mission for becoming gentrified.  But it does cause me a chuckle when I walk past a new condo development at 18th and Valencia corridor with stroller parking in the lobby.  My friend Eric lived across the street and down an alley on San Carlos that was notorious for heroin and there were frequently hookers taking shits in his door way.

I like that there is so much hustle and bustle.  It was undeniably overwhelming to me last week as I transitioned from the barrens of China Basin/Mission Bay, but I am getting used to it and it is really nice to be in the mix of people.

I am also getting the hang of my job more and more.  There is still so much to learn, I will be building the frame-work for a while yet, but I can tell the foundation is getting poured, and although not yet set, it will be firm and I will have a strong base to build on.

My boss said I must be tired tonight when I was packing up to go.  And he’s right I have been tired when I get done, flat-out exhausted most days.  Most days, sheesh, I sound like I’ve been there more than five days, I’ve just been there five days, and one of those was a half day, so I am yet to be an old pro at this.  I am tired.  Using my brain so much makes for a sleepy girl.  Luckily I have gotten to sleep in a little bit.

I was going to beat myself up for not getting right on a writing schedule (in addition to what I already do with the blog and my morning pages) but I said, nah, give yourself a little time to adjust before trying to add something else in.  I’m just starting to get my morning routine down.  Which I find funny as it will change and change dramatically in a few weeks.  I will be moved out of here and transitioning to a new schedule at work.  I will be going to work at 9a.m. versus 11 a.m.

I will also be living elsewhere.

And I was offered a place for the week I”m displaced in the beginning of December!  Thanks Tanya and Coco!  I will be able to stay with them for that week and so can the cats, very grateful for that, super grateful for that, beyond the moon.  Of course, December will be a little chaotic as I move not once but twice and then again in January.  But I am being taken care of and I know that when stuff like this happens it is because the perfect space is being created just for me and my situation.

I will need a place for January and the place will be there.  I will be able to move into it with all damage deposits ready to rock and roll and it will be within my price range.  I just know it.  Everything is happening exactly the way it is supposed to.

Plus, a nice perk here at the current home front–heat!  I came home tonight to a warm house.  A lovely, warm domicile.  I am thrilled beyond words.  I am warm.  Toasty, cozy, and content.  I left the radiator open in the case it magically would turn on, and it did not for two days, and then I forgot to turn it off, I think I was hoping that it would come on, and voila, it did!

Scrumptious.  No more goose bumps while I sit writing my blog.  No more scarves.  Oh, I’m still rocking the slippers, slippers should be rocked.  I don’t care about looking cool in my home.  Well, I like to look cute, what is that anyhow?  Not like I’m expecting some one to pop over for a cup of sugar and admire my cute slippers.

They are cute, though if you’re ever in the neighborhood.

You have exactly 22 days left to admire them in their current location.

But I don’t keep sugar in the house, so come up with a better excuse than that to drop by.

Treading Water

Things still feel crazy and out of control, but the facts seem to be that I am doing just fine.

I have a reprieve right now on the house search, which is a vast relief.  I’ll be house sitting/couch surfing for three weeks in December, confirmed, with the cats.  Thank God.

This gives me until January to find a place.  Or even December 15th.  I know some folks like to start mid-month.  Basically I will have a place to stay to lay my head and rest my weary soul.

Although it won’t be available until the evening of December 8th.  I need to be out of my apartment, with the cats by December 1st.  I know something will happen regarding that.  What?  Who the hell knows.

This will mark the second time in my recovery that I have been “homeless”.  But as I rode my bike past a truly homeless man on the outskirts of the Tenderloin with no shoes on, and I said out loud, almost against my will, it was so startled out of me, “Thank you god for not having me be without shoes today”.

Good Lord.  I have shoes.  I mean, I don’t have as many shoes as I’d like, who does?  But I have shoes.  I have a pair that stays at work.  I have a pair of Converse.  I have a pair of slippers–currently residing on my feet.  I have three pairs of heels and one pair of flip-flops.  I have shoes.

I could not shake the image of that man’s feet from my head.  And I was complaining about being cold?

Shut the front door.

Nothing says humility like perspective.  I got a hefty dose of it.

I am totally keeping my head above water.  And like the good girl I am, I am also keeping myself au courant with my bills.  I refuse to let myself be a slave to my fears of there ain’t never going to be enough, and I am just paying them as they come in.

I just wrote the check for this month’s student loan payments and I paid my phone bill online.  That does not leave me with a whole hell of a lot, but I have lots of food–my soup turned out fabulous, in fact it may be the best batch of this recipe I have ever made.  Either that or I was just really hungry today.  I have plenty of toiletries, I have rent paid for this month.

Oh yeah, and I have shoes.

Work is getting “easier”  or I’m being nicer to myself.  One or the other, not sure yet which, but I got a title today!

Operations Liason Mission Bicycle Company 

Pretty sexy.  I’ll have business cards soon.  I haven’t had a job with a business card in ages, almost a decade.  Well, nine years, since I worked at the Angelic Brewing Company.  It feels quite nice.  I like the handle better than nanny too.

Although, I need to remember that I am not my job or my job title.  I am me and I am perfect just the way I am right now.

Who let Stuart Smiley out of the closet?  Get back in there!

The learning curve does not feel quite as steep.  I am getting in there and doing things and that feels like an accomplishment.  I still get stuck on something and end up staring at the computer screen like it’s going to magically light up and tell me what to do next.  I used an Ipad for the first time today.  The new technology keeps coming at me.

I also got my own e-mail: Carmen@Missionbicyclecompany.com  So now you can send your complaints and inquiries directly to me.

I could not figure out how to access it however.

Oops.

It was also given to me during the last hour of the day and I had started to fade.  I was moving and shaking all day long and I feel like I was pretty on top of everything that was being handed to me.  Then I could feel the brain freeze starting to happen.  It began while I was trying to word an e-mail to a client and I would get distracted by something, oh look, pretty bike, and get entirely lost.

At one point I was trying to find a password to get me into a program so that I could hunt something up and by the time I found the password to the program I had forgotten what I was looking for and closed out the program.  Only to come back to it five minutes later realizing what I needed to search for and I had forgotten the password again.  I repeated this three times, three, before I realized that I was going to have to shelf the task until tomorrow.  I had no brain capacity left to delegate to the e-mail.

I got as far as signing my name at the bottom and I put it in the draft box.

But overall, I’m pretty excited by the fact that I did not hit my brain full capacity until nearly end of day.

I also felt like I was fleeing the scene of the crime before I could be found out when the General Manager, one of the owners, and the marketing team were sitting down with all their laptops, Macbooks, Ipads, and Iphones discussing the Tumbl’r account, the catalog, the online this and the interface that.  I was in the corner of the office struggling with an e-mail and they were interacting with each other and five or six other forms of media and I just wanted to crawl under the desk.

I know it will get better.  Fact is, it already has, but I do feel a brain suck.  I am learning.  I am learning a lot.  Oh lordy, am I learning.  I had a conversation with some one about Machine Side Wall tires versus non-Machine Side Wall tires and I don’t know what I said, but the information came a tumbling out of my mouth.  So, the brain is absorbing, it just still feels like a mish mash in there.

At least one thing can be taken out of the brain pan, what am I going to do about a deposit for  a new place when I don’t have income coming in yet?  I will likely have my deposit back from my rental agency by the time that happens.

That is a relief.  I am not even thinking about where I will be for that week in December.  I don’t have the capacity to process it yet.

Fuck, I’m amazed I even wrote a blog.  I’m sort of sleep walking it right now.

Holding steady.  That’s about all I have to report.  I am holding steady.

Sunday Soup

Nothing says Sunday to me quite like making soup.

Unless it is French pressed coffee and jazz in the morning.  Which was done and done nicely this morning.  Jazz definitely says its Sunday for me.  I am quite proud of myself for my day, I have to say.  Got lots done.  Got up early, did laundry, had coffee, wrote my three pages of writing, had a scrumptious breakfast, and got out the door on time to ride my bike to the Mission, do the deal, then meet up with my 1:30 p.m. at Four Barrel.

I got a message from Joan at 2:45 p.m. as I was waiting to use the loo at the cafe saying that Mike Doughty was going to be performing at the Apple store down town at 3 p.m.

I put on some sexy lip gloss and got ready to bike over to the Apple store to see my honey.

Then I walked outside and got buffeted by the wind and chilled to the bone.  The idea of turning around and heading back to the Mission to do my grocery shopping after seeing him play was not a welcome thought.  It would be dark, it’s daylight savings, and it would be cold.  I had on layers, but it would be uncomfortable.

The decision seemed to be made by my body and not my brain as I got on my bike and found myself taking a right on 14th Street and heading toward Rainbow on Folsom.

As I smell the deliciousness of my soup cooking, I am grateful the decision was taken out of my hands and my feet did the deciding for me.  Rainbow was a mad house.  I guess I hit it at prime time.  But I am a pro at navigating the store now, I know how much I can fit in my messenger bag, I always go in with a list, and very rarely, if ever do I deviate from it.  I was in and out in 20 minutes.  Back onto my bike and yup, the temperature had dropped again.  And the wind was more blustery.  I shivered and hopped on my bike to head back to Nob Hill.

I also made the executive decision to stay in tonight.  Yeah, I want to see some live music, but after yesterday’s thorough go over of my finances I realized that it was not in my best interest to go out.  I got to do that last night.  I got my treat.  I got my movie date night in and I got to go dancing.  Once in the house, it was confirmed, I wanted to make my soup and fold my laundry, listen to some more jazz and get myself organized for the week.

I got a call into Shannon and made a little head way on my housing situation.  One of the wonderful ladies in Shannon’s wedding party offered me her studio for three and a half weeks in December while she’s on vacation.  I told her thanks so much when the offer was made, but that I was going to do my best to have myself settled in some where.

Yeah, and then the realization struck of having no income for the rest of November.  It is an awkward feeling for some one who is used to being paid out every week.  Now my check will be direct deposited to my account twice a month.  I won’t have cash on hand like I normally do.  I will have to allocate my funds out to myself.  This is not an awful thing as I do a spending plan every month and I know where my money goes any how.  But not having a paycheck until December 1st is a little daunting.

I sent out a message back asking if the offer still stood.  If so, yes I will take it and can my cats stay there as well?

Fingers crossed.

This could be a very helpful scenario for me as well.  I will have to wait a few weeks, I am sure, for my damage deposit to get back to me from my rental company.  I’ll have $1500 when that happens, but I won’t have that money prior to December 1st either.  I will have it by the 15th of December.  That can be my new home move in money.  I can have a little more breathing room.

I will have to find a place to crash for the first week in December, as will the cats, but it will all work out.  I have a pricking in my thumbs.

Actually, I have faith.  Faith that I just need to continue doing actions and asking after places and doing the work involved.  I get to let go of the results and be alright with the not knowing.  What I do know is that it will work out.  It always has.  And I got to check in with Shannon and touch base about storing a few things at her place while I’m in transit.

I also took a look around at what I have and realized that really all that I truly want to go with me furniture wise is my rocking chair, my bed frame and mattress set, the two night stands and lamps, and my desk.  The rest of the furniture I can get rid of.  I will either have a side-walk sale or I will put stuff up on craigslist.

Speaking of, does any one want a cafe table and two wood chairs?  They  are from IKEA.  I repainted the chairs a periwinkle blue when I got them.  If you’ve been to my place, it’s the table with all sort of postcards and pictures under the glass top.  I will also have a small secretary, shabby chic like the majority of my stuff, available for the taking.

Aside, I am getting cold sitting here writing.  In my long-sleeved wool sweater, knit cap, and long knee-high socks and slippers.  I turned on the radiator in the apartment, but no dice.  I don’t know if they have to activate the heat or how it works, but I turned on the radiator while talking to Shannon on the phone at 4:30 p.m. today and nada.

Actions being taken.  Blog has been written.  Soup is simmering.  I will be staying in tonight.  I am too cozy right now, even if I’m starting to get chilly.  I can just put on a scarf.

Or my new hoodie!

I can also just stand in the kitchen and let myself warm up over the soup pot….

Not Bad For A Saturday

I had a nice day!

I did nice things for myself and I had a lot of fun on my day off.  Which is what days off are for.  And I am not at all upset that it’s 12:25 a.m. and I’m just now getting to my blog because it’s daylight savings and that means it’s actually only 11:25 p.m.  I love and hate day light savings in the fall.

The light change has seemed pretty drastic already and now we’re losing another hour.  However, I do love that I get an extra hour of sleep tomorrow.  It is definitely fall out there.  Not messing around with it at all.  It’s definitely here and it actually feels as though we sort of skipped from fall right into winter.

It does not help that there a lot more places this year that already have up their holiday decorations.  Give it a rest, will you?  Let me just get to Thanksgiving before the merriment begins.  There is always so much time built up toward Christmas that by the time I get there I am tired of it and want it over and then its just another day and what was all the hoopla about?

But I get ahead of myself.

I got up early and took care of a commitment.  Then went over to the Chrome store as I was in the SOMA and got myself a new sweatshirt.  It is darling, I am wearing it now.  I basically did not want to take it off from the moment I put it on.  100% Merino wool.  Illyana, one of the mechanics at Mission Bicycle gave me the heads up that they were having a sale and I went and hit it up.

I love that not only is the company local, everything is made in San Francisco, it’s all geared toward bicycle riding.  So, the tail of the sweatshirt is actually longer and designed to not ride up on your back when you are riding, which is really, really nice, especially with the abrupt weather change.  It is an uncomfortable ride when your lower back is exposed to the elements.  Plus the sleeves have the built-in thumb holes at the bottom, which immediately makes the sleeve into a sort of fingerless glove, so nice.  And quite darling.

The waist is nipped in a little, I got the girls style and the zipper is cunning.  It is just slightly off-center.  I don’t know why this makes the sweatshirt cuter, but it definitely does.  The inside of the sweatshirt is also lined with a vented material, so I can work up a sweat and it will wick off me and not leave me chilled when I am done riding.  All in all a lovely purchase.  It cost $85, even on sale, it was marked at half off!  Never thought I would spend that much money on a sweatshirt, but it is 100% Merino Wool and it’s Chrome, a total investment and I like supporting local business.

Afterward I ducked into Whole Foods and hit the salad bar.  The only “mistake” on my day.  I did not realize how heavy my salad was and it cost me $17.  Fuck me.  That’s some expensive lettuce.  I don’t like spending that kind of money in a restaurant on a salad.  In fact, had I known I would have gone to a restaurant. Oh well, lesson learned.  I also picked up a few groceries and rode my bike back up into Nob Hill.

I just missed the beginning of the rain.  Very grateful for that, I did not have my rain gear with me.  I got home unloaded my groceries and did my writing.  I did get up early this morning, but not early enough to do my three pages long hand and I only made it half way through yesterdays.  I am going to have to make sure that I make time to continue with my morning pages.  They center me and I notice pretty quickly when I have not had the time to get centered.  It probably would have helped to have gotten to them better what with the new job starting, but I did not.

I will not skimp on my writing again.  I will get up two and a half hours early if I need to.  I know once I get into a schedule that won’t be necessary, but until further notice, I will.  I have to focus on the writing.

Then I took myself on my afternoon treat.  I went to the fancy nail salon in Nob Hill down the street from me, Juicy Nails and Waxing.  I got my eyebrows done and a mani/pedi.  It was divine.  Reclining cushy chairs, attentive hand and foot massage, best eyebrow shaping I have had in years and yes, it cost me a bit, but hot towels, hot lotion, so good, so nice to be spoilt.  I wanted to give myself the splurge.  Use part of my bonus on something nice for me and that was it.  That and the new wool hoodie.

Then I went down the block to the Gallery Cafe and scored the couch!  I got a latte, a definite treat.  It’s been months since I’ve had a latte.  I snuggled into the couch and finished off the book I had started last week.  It was a cozy cafe moment with the rain pattering down outside and warm latte in my tummy.

After wards I headed back up the hill and had myself a nice little bit of dinner and checked out the movie listings.  Every thing that I was interested in seeing was at the Embarcadero Theater.  So after dinner I rolled back down the hill.  I had a little time to spare so I wandered around lower North Beach and walked some of the blocks between North Beach and the Financial District.  This is where I hit a lot of Christmas decorations.  They looked pretty fresh, but like I said, too early, too early for me by far.  Especially since it means that I need to call Wendy and let her know I don’t think I will be making it to Hallowell for Christmas, even though I said I would.

I don’t think I can swing it.  I am nervous enough about trying to find a place by the end of the month.  I have not had any success yet with locating a room and I realized on Thursday that I will not be making as much money this month as I had thought–the shop pays out twice monthly.  The books are done on the 1st and the 15th.  I won’t get a check on the 15th.  My first day was the third.  So, I’ll get a check at the end of the month.  And that makes me really, really nervous.

Nervous enough that I truly do not feel comfortable throwing down the money to go to Maine for Christmas.  I already cancelled on my grandmother in San Diego for Thanksgiving.  I am rather bummed about having to cancel my holiday plans, but, I need to find housing before I can make travel plans.

I got to the theater just in time to catch the 7:10 p.m. showing of the new Amolodovar movie.  Holy shit, it was good.  Creepy good.  Suffice to say I can’t write a single word about it without giving away what happened.  I can’t be a spoiler.  It is good, go see!

Then after I walked down Battery Street toward North Point.  The rain had stopped and the clouds blew wispy and thin across the high cold night sky.  I walked smartly down the streets marveling at all the little side streets and alleys that I never had really notice during the day.  I am usually too busy navigating traffic on my bike to pay attention.  It was a delightful walk.  And at the end of it, was the dance party!

Chip’s birthday party was tonight.  I had a moment of, oh, just go home, after the movie, but that’s not how you meet people and I did not want to spend the end of my Saturday night pinging around Facecrack. Besides, my eyebrows looked to fucking good to stay in.  I am so glad I went.  The dancing was terrific.  I broke a sweat.  I actually took off two of the layers I have been draping myself in for the last three days.  And my Joan was there, totally unexpected, and we got to catch up and hug and dance and fuck, yes, am I glad I talked myself into it.

Caroline gave me a ride home and she and Joan dropped me at the corner of Taylor and Washington right at midnight.  I did not turn into a pumpkin and I had a dreamy day.

Just dreamy.

10,004 views all-time

Ten thousand views.

Holy shit batman.  My blog has had ten thousand views since I started.  The majority of them from this year.

Yesterday I was looking through some of the post stats for the site and saw that I really did not start getting many views until I started doing the post a day challenge that I took the bait for back at the beginning of the year.

Ten thousand views.

That is crazy.

And pretty freaking cool.  Thank you “viewers”!  I am still a little floored by the fact that I have ten people who subscribe to my blog.  That’s ten people who get my blog sent to them in their own e-mail.  Sort of like the paper boy delivers one to their in box everyday along with spam and their Comcast bill.  Except that these ten people chose to have my blog sent to them.

How awesome is that?

It is super validating, not something that I was expecting either as I began this blog.  This blog was supposed to be for me to jump-start my dead batteries on Baby Girl.  It was supposed to get me in the habit of writing and keep my fingers warm and my brain sparked up to keep the creative juices flowing and such.  It has become so much more than that.

I look forward, sometimes with dread I will admit, to writing it every day.  There are days when I think I have absolutely nothing to write about.

Like today, what’s exciting in my world?  The weather.  Now how in the world or why would anyone give a fuck about reading about the weather is beyond me, but that’s what’s on my mind.  It got cold.  It is fucking cold in San Francisco.  Yeah, yeah, I know it snowed in Wisconsin this week.  I have no pity from my Midwestern brethren.

And that be cool.  I ain’t looking for it.  I am, however, making an observation.  I am sitting in my house in yoga pants, one long-sleeved t-shirt, layered under a short-sleeved t-shirt, one thin sweatshirt and a cardigan.  I also have on a scarf around my neck and slippers on my feet.  My apartment is cold.  I am cold.

The shop is fucking cold.  It is open air.  Fortunately there was a space heater by the desk today.  It was a little surreal temperature wise, my left side was toasty on and off all day and my right side was frozen and my fingers were literally numb.  I forgot my gloves.

I will be getting a new sweat shirt tomorrow and some more gloves, most likely fingerless as I will have to do a lot of typing at work.

Work.

OH MY GOD

Do I feel stupid.  Stupid.  Stupid, at work, I feel really stupid.  S. T. U. P. I. D.

Stupid has got a bad reputation as a word in American vocabulary circles.  But really, all it means is slow to learn.  I feel like I am very slow to learn.  I felt like the job rather got the best of me today.  At one point my manager looked at me and said, “do you understand what I want you to do?”

And I looked up at him and said, “nope, I have no idea what you want.”

He then explained again and walked away.  I still had no idea what he wanted me to do.  I sort of wandered around the store like a lost puppy trying to just do what was right in front of me.  Technology is super exciting and really overwhelming and I know it’s supposed to make everything more efficient and faster and cooler and go-go, but I felt like I was walking through mud.

Watching one of the guys in the shop whiz-bang through e-mails, invoices, and tab all over the computer was like watching a virtuoso at work.  I would then sit down and stare blankly at the screen.  I mean, I was unable to type at one point.  I could not find home row on the computer keyboard.

Come on.  I’m a writer and I write every day and I use my keyboard at home every day.  Get with the program.  But there was a distinct disconnect between me and the material.

I know that it is just has to be absorbed and at some future time, near future, I will randomly draw on the information and it will “magically” be there without my consciously knowing how.  But in the time being, it is overwhelming and more than a touch on the scary side.  I feel quite fraudulent, like the guy who has been training me, is like, what the fuck did they do hiring this person? I had to stop myself a number of times from getting self-deprecatory and down on myself in front of my trainer.

I know I have it in me to do the job and it’s only been two days, but I felt like throwing in the towel a few times today.  I wanted to resign myself to being a nanny for life.  Then I would just suck it up and ask, what next?  What can I do next?  Sometimes it was just being a body in the shop when some one else had to run in back or pop out on an errand.  Some times it was help move boxes upstairs (I have to say it was rather funny to watch some of the staff melt off into the back ground when it came to heavy lifting and hauling).  I also went to the bank and got change.

I feel like I have some sensory over load going on.  Remember, up until this Wednesday, I was probably interacting with four adults on a daily basis, sometimes six or seven if you include a barista I would strike up a conversation with or a cashier at SafeWay wanted to get real chatty with me about my tattoos.  Now for the last two days I have been constantly talking, engaging, interacting, with vendors, with clients, with neighboring stores, with strangers asking for directions.  I have also been in the Mission, a virtual playground of color and sound and heavy activity.

Compare to my being in China Basin where it was not uncommon for me to go hours without any kind of human interaction aside from the girls I nannied.  My brain is frizzled and frazzled and I really should not have gotten on my bike to ride anywhere tonight after work.  But I had a commitment and thank god for those, because it got me to where I needed to be, sitting still for a little while and totally able to defuse and turn off the brain.

That, I just now realized is also a pretty cool thing, I have not obsessed about anything in the last two days.  I don’t have brain space to take up with obsessing.  No brain space at all.  This morning I was so spaced out I got up two and a half hours before I needed to be at work and still was not able to get in my writing exercises.  Yesterday I got up two hours prior thinking that would be enough and I did not even crack the notebook–the first time in probably five, six months that I had not done my daily long hand journal writing.

So, I purposely set the alarm for earlier and still was not able to complete the three pages.  It is taking me longer to do things.  I feel a little checked out.  Checked out and cold.

The only time I felt warm was in bed some time early this morning when my feet finally defrosted and I had a cat curled up on either side of me and yes, I slept with the menagerie (only three) of stuffed animals that I have because they retained body heat.  I wore yoga pants, knee-high socks, and a long sleeve t-shirt to bed, slept under a duvet and a quilt and it took half the night for my feet to warm up.

Is this what happens when you get old?  You stop getting circulation to your extremities?  Or is it just me?  I know I don’t have the same amount of body insulation I used to, but I swear, I don’t remember getting this cold in Wisconsin.  Maybe I was just always inebriated?  Or maybe the heat actually worked where I was.  I know my current house has no insulation in the walls and is an old drafty Victorian.  Add to that my apartment is on the interior of the building and gets little to no direct sunlight, it stays chilly in here.

I got to stop writing about my cold limbs, I won’t be getting another 10,000 views on that shit.

Suffice to say, I may be cold, but I am also pleased as punch that y’all read my ramblings, really, really, really honored.

Really, you rock my world, it’s a cold world, but it’s rocking.

Down Time

What down time?

I popped into Mrs. Fishkin’s office today.  We are located in the same office space in the old New College building on Valencia Street.  I must say it is really nice to have friendly faces, adult faces, to interact with and engage with and get hugs from.  Oh, so very nice.

That and the realization that I did not hear any screaming today.  None.  I got to listen to adults, engage with adults, and people watch–when I had time, which was not very often.  It was pretty much go from the minute I walked in the door.  I had stuff  handed to me the moment I set foot in the shop.

I had to laugh and ask if I could just drop off my stuff in the office upstairs.  I took off my bike shoes, slipped on my nanny clogs, which shall now just be called my work clogs, and stashed my lunch and dinner in the fridge.  I also unloaded some coffee, Sight Glass of course, a box of my favorite tea, Celestial Seasonings Bengal Spice, a packet of unbleached coffee filters, my gigantic mug that Wendy bought me in Hallowell, Maine for a Christmas present four years ago (l like a big mug of tea, I do, I do), and a one cup coffee drip filter.

Then I got to work.

It was on.  I was a bit overwhelmed, the computer system, the quick books, the e-mail system, the in voicing, how to build a bike, what to look for in this build box, where to find that.  Say hello to customers, eves drop on conversations, get my bearings.  When I got the chance I brewed up a cup of coffee and dashed down the hall way upstairs to say hello to Mrs. Fishkin.  It was so good.  Makes me happy just thinking about it.

Guess what else makes me happy?

My new job.

I am going to be really good at it.  I can tell.  I am so grateful for that.  I did feel overwhelmed (at one point the General Manager was telling me to do something and I started to ask a question and I completely blanked.  I mean totally, like where am I blanked.  Oh yeah, eat your food!  Brain over load and empty stomach equals blank brain) and there is an ass load of stuff to learn and it will take me some time to get it all down.  But I can already tell that I am going to be good at the job.  And I like the people and I love the space and my friends are just down the hall and I love the location.

Although I will have to get used to a different bike commute.  I had forgotten the perils and delights of riding down Polk Street in the morning hours as well as riding around the Mission at night.  The bicycle traffic is heavy, the bar/restaurant scene was just starting to get going and it is Thursday, the happy hour was a happening.  Then again, fingers crossed, I won’t be commuting from this far away in a month.

I still have made no head way on a new place to live.  Putting in $600 into the search field on craigslist is a depressing activity.  It does not raise a lot of nibbles.  But I am sticking to my plan.  I also put the bonus money in the bank today after work and went to Rainbow for a few groceries.  I stuck one-third of the bonus right into my savings account.  Along with the ten percent that I have been directed to also put in.  I am basically tithing to myself.  It’s not much right now, but I feel better having a little buffer.  And I may very well need it for a damage deposit on whatever room I do move into.

I am fairly certain I will get the full amount back on my deposit for my current apartment, but it never seems to happen that you get back your deposit from your old place in time to put down the deposit for your new place.  I want to have that all settled out without having to negotiate.

The only draw back of the current job is that the space is cold.  Which is a nice change from doing the nanny share as the condo was always, always, always, over heated and stale.  The shop door basically opens out directly to the elements.  And boy, the temperature dropped today!  And it rained!  Fuck.  Hello winter.

Sigh.  I knew it was coming, but I was hoping for one last nice weekend.  Oh well.  I am going to have to update my rain gear.  I have “outgrown” my rain coat.  It’s an extra-large that was tight when I bought it and now it bags off me.  It’s a really nice rain coat, a North Face I dropped about $85 on, so I have been loathe to replace it, but it’s stupid big and since I got that little extra cash I think I will invest in a better fitted raincoat.

And a new sweatshirt.  I was hoping to get a Mission Bicycle Company sweatshirt, but they are out of stock.  The clothing there is a little on the boy centric side of town, hopefully having a lady about the shop will encourage some more feminine gear as well.  Especially as the girls love this bike too.

When I had a moment, and there were not a lot of them, the time really flew by, I off and on daydreamed about what my bike will look like when I get it constructed.  You know I am going to have to have one.  They are just to scrumptious.  I was thinking cream frame with a mossy green crank and soft pink and cream tires, drop bars, 11 speed internal gearing (everybody seems to think all the bikes are one speed or fixies and they’re not!  They have three speed, eight speed, eleven speed, and eighteen!), a brown leather Brooks saddle, and a messenger basket.

Or maybe….

Yeah, I’ll be getting back to that once I secure a room!  And not before.  The bike is total fantasy, I don’t need one, mine is completely fine and a good damn ride.  I also love, love, love, that I can park my bike inside.  I have had to park it outside the condo for the last year, regardless of the weather or the fact that I had various things stolen off the bike all year round.  It’s super nice to have a secure spot to keep it.  I don’t like having my bike on the street for too long, stuff happens to it.  Bicycle parts equal crack.

I do have a full brain and I did not really allot myself any down time, but I can foresee being really happy in my job and that’s exciting.  And the learning is exciting.  I learned more about computers and the internet and how to really get some work done.  I am learning skills that I can take with me everywhere.  I am super grateful for that.  And of course, I am learning about bicycles, which is also very cool.

I am looking forward to going in to work tomorrow instead of having trepidation.  That is a fucking miracle.

I will just remember to wear warmer clothing and bring a scarf!

An Honest Assessment

Which I knew I was going to balk at doing, but did anyway.

I did my spending plan for the month of November 2011 earlier today.  This meant that I sat down during nap time, screaming time (K’s still not napping, although again fell out on the couch as soon as I took her out of her sleep sack), and tallied up my numbers from October.

I spent over my budget on cabs and under on entertainment and books.  Sort of knew that was happening.  And I was pretty spot on with the rest.  That feels quite good.  In fact I was within fifteen dollars of my calculations.  I could have spent fifteen dollars more for the month.

I started tallying my numbers, basically keeping track of everything I spend, to the penny, about six years ago.  When I got into recovery I had shall we say, a wee bit of financial wreckage.

Sure, put that round on my card.  Yes, please, let’s get another gram of cocaine.  Or five.  I should really take my mom to London, she’s never been there.  Dear reader, a suggestion, never do an eight ball of cocaine and have a heart to heart with your mother from the front steps of the R Bar off of Polk and Bush while sucking down a Marlboro Light and figuring out whether or not you or your friend is going to sleep with the older sort of good-looking in a faded Mickey Rourke (bahahahaha I almost wrote Mickey Rooney) Bar Fly way.  Because the next thing you know when you get back to your home over on 22nd and Alabama and sneak in just before dawn so your room-mate doesn’t hear you, you may get on the internet and there may be a fantastic deal for a round trip ticket for two to London in your in box.

And you may think to yourself, “hey, mom’s got cancer, again, and screw going back to see her in Wisconsin, let’s fly her out and go to London”.

The next thing you know I’m in a cab headed to Hawthorne Lane (whose brilliant idea was it to put me on the opening lunch shift?) sleep deprived and still intoxicated and I suddenly have a moment of, did I do what I think I did last night when I came in.  It wasn’t sleep with the guy at the bar.

OH

FUCK

ME

That and other slightly less or more, depending on the day of the week, stories to follow of how I blew to shit my credit card balances and ended up in a whole lotta debt when I first got some recovery time.

Can you say bill collector?

It was suggested to me that I read over this book, which I just loaned out to a friend (hey friend, I hope you’re reading!), How to Get Out of Debt, Stay out of Debt, and Live Prosperously, by Jerrold Mundis.  I read it and then I re-read it.  Then I balked.

Then I got some more calls from collection agencies.

Then one day I just did everything that I was told to do.

Six years later I have not incurred any debt.  I have lived on cash only.  I have not had one single credit card.  Although I get lots of offers for them, fuckers.

Then at the end of each month I sit down and I tally up what I spent on the month.  I tend to be a bit of a pinch penny with certain things, frugal, I suppose is a nicer way of putting it.

Scarcity thinking is more likely the truth.

When I first started doing the suggested work one of the categories that I did not have and would have not thought to budget for was clothes.  I had not bought myself new underwear or socks or bras in, well, an embarrassingly long time.  Now I have an allowance.  Right now, it’s not a whole lot.  Last month it was $100.  I spent $98.45.  Not bad!

I got some socks, a nice button down shirt, and 1 cotton t-shirt.  Things I needed.  I let myself have that category.

The other thing I do is I don’t eat out very much.  I buy most of my food.  Eating out is a treat and I allow it, but I don’t eat out but maybe once every other week.  I used to eat out a lot and then wonder where the fuck all my  money was.  Now I grocery shop and I only buy healthy, predominately organic, foods.  Fuck, even my eggs are from hens that eat vegetarian feed (as well they should be!  Do you know that Rainbow started posting a spread sheet of what happens at the egg farms they procure their eggs from.  Do you want to know if your laying hens have been de-beaked?  It will tell you.).

Anyway, I leaned.  I learned where I could trim money, really, I should know better, but last month I spent twice my alloted money on cabs.  This is a splurge that I need to drop.  Completely.  I could have gone out for two extra movies or bought a pair of jeans with that money.

But, I’m learning.

That person who made the original suggestion to me to (ah,  my cat’s grooming me, too sweet.  Who doesn’t like kitten kisses?) also suggested that as a living amends I not spend more than one-quarter of what I make on rent.

What?

Do you know where I live?  I live in San Fran-fucking-cisco.

Are you smoking crack?

Maybe you should be.

Ugh.

I have had some success with this, but usually my rent falls somewhere between 1/3 and 1/2 of what I make.

This is no longer an option.  I cut down every where I could without feeling like I was depriving myself when I did my spending plan today.  I kept all my “luxury categories” entertainment, books, writing, clothes, and cafes.  Granted I winnowed them down a touch to adjust to the lowering of my income.  However, I did not delete them.

Then I looked at what I had projected for housing–$800.  And I looked at what I was going to be short on projected income versus what I had put into my plan.  I was short about $241.  I redistributed some things, knocked down my clothing a smidge, and the cafe and restaurants a tiny bit.  Then I heard her voice with that living amends thing she was talking about.

See, my bright idea toward the end of my using was that I just needed to move out of the rent controlled room I had in the Mission, $500 including all utilities, to a more expensive apartment situation, $1150 with no utilities, because then I would not spend all my extra money on cocaine.

Uh, yeah, that did not work, in case you were wondering.

I was resentful at myself for doing that.  Shocker.  So, it was suggested that I not pay more for rent then I could afford.  Hence the suggestion that only 1/4 of my income goes to rent.

I took a deep breath.  I crossed off $800.  I put down $600.  And I repeated to myself, you are being taken care of better than you can even imagine.  Just take the next action in front of you.

I believe, exuberantly, fervently, and with much love, that the perfect place is currently getting itself ready for me (and my cats!), and it will not be more than $600 a month.

Hell, it will probably be less.

My god rocks it out like that.