That’s what it felt like today.
When I wasn’t in tears.
I was in this interesting back and forth between working it and being worked over.
I went to yoga and had a really great class, my favorite teacher was teaching and he may start offering some more classes at the studio, at times I could make, so I don’t have to obsess about doing more yoga while I’m doing yoga.
I felt soft and strong in my body and I had a very open moment as I was finishing the class in the final meditation where I just felt some heart opening and some letting go of old, old, old wounds.
I think I moved through the world with that awareness today, both tender and beautiful, open and sore, alive, and sad, awed and in wonder.
I felt in my body and confident and sexy.
And I found out today that a man who I have always found drop dead sexy gorgeous has found me attractive too.
What?
And.
Of course he’s not really available to me at the moment, but fuck, it was really awesome information to get.
It means that my instincts are pretty spot on.
In fact, my instincts are so much better than I give myself credit for that I am really seeing that I am, in fact, my problem.
I was talking with a friend earlier about a coffee date I have tomorrow and how I wasn’t sure if the guy was really interested, and where’s the follow through, and…
“You know, I hear you say that a lot, like, the guy is interested, wants to hang out but doesn’t set a time, I hear this a lot, and…”
Ugh.
And yeah, I know, I have to say something, I have to be the confident one.
And confidence is sexy and God only knows how badly I want to be sexy.
Psst.
Hey lady.
I hate to break it to you, but you are sexy, just stop shooting yourself in the foot.
Don’t bother with vague, be assertive, if someone says “hey, let’s hang out,” or “we should hang out sometime,” nail them to a time.
I don’t have the patience or bandwidth to dilly dally around.
I will always be busy, that is the nature of who I am.
There will always be something in my life, because I don’t wait around to live, I go out and do things.
Except date, I’m not so great at that and it’s because I am in fear.
Fear of not getting what I want and fear of getting what I want.
So.
I am vague, I don’t say what I need, I dance around.
Fuck that.
I am confident.
Well.
Ha.
Obviously not always, but thinking or acting like I’m not a hot tamale is asinine.
I am gorgeous, I sound like an asshole, but I don’t often affirm my attractiveness as I have been classically trained like many women, to deny myself, my beauty, my authority as a sexy creature, as someone worthy of being pursued.
When I down play myself, I actually de-value my worth and I wall up and I get cold and then, well, fuck, who would want to ask me out?
I remember an ex-boyfriend telling me once that he was very surprised by my lack of self-confidence, “I feel like I am constantly having to ‘piss on my tree’ you are always being stared at, and you have absolutely no clue.”
Of course not, because I won’t be safe then.
But I’m not safe anymore in my bubble of self-dom, dancing alone in my room when I should be, could be, ought to be dancing in someone’s arms.
So.
Fuck it.
Fake it until I make it.
I’m not going to get back on dating apps or sites or any of that happy horse shit.
But.
I am going to get a hell of a lot clearer and more direct with men.
The next time a man says we should hang out, I’m going to ask when, give a time I’m available and say let’s make a plan.
Because this sexy beast is worth making a plan for.
I have had a lot of friends advocate for this sexiness and God forbid I waste it, I only have this life to live and I am not going to live it with regrets.
I have made many leaps of faith in my life.
Moving to Paris to turn 40.
Quitting a highly paid nanny job to go work in a bike shop.
Traveling by myself to London, Rome, New York.
Moving to San Francisco with a 2 month sublet, $2,000 in savings and no job.
Fuck.
The biggest leap of all.
Getting sober.
If I can do that, I can ask for what I want from a man and a date.
Yes, yes I can.
I have the power.
It’s not mine.
It’s Gods
And if you think that’s crazy, that’s ok.
God is a sexy beast too.
Like to like.
I always say.
My instincts are just fine.
How could they not be?
They are God-given.
Seriously.
Time to unleash myself from my own fear and shame shackles and get the fuck on with my life.
God did not mean for me to be alone and it’s my own fear that’s keeping me that way.
I’m over it.
Ready for the next phase of my development.
Bring it the fuck on.
This PSA, FYI, is not brought to you by my hormones.
Thank you very much.
Just my own personal reality check.
With a little help from my friends.
Thank you friends.
I couldn’t do this without you.
Thanks for having my back when I was too afraid to.
My heart is open.
My eyes are clear.
My sexy is definitely back.
Watch out.
Auntiebubba 